Does anyone ever feel like they are in an abusive relationship with their dcs!!

[Slippersmum]

Ok, prepare for a torrent of self pity!! Another weekend of not being able to do anything right, no matter what I do! Don't know which is worst the horrible comments or the silent treatment. Am I the only one who feels like they are in some kind of abusive relationship!!?? If I wasn't related to them I would do all I could to avoid them, let alone live with them!!

I have a 23 year od DD a 20 year old DS and an 18 yo DD. The first 2 were a breeze. The youngest has been the challenge of my life. She is the only one left at home now.Her room is hideous and like tequila said upthread we only have 2 teaspoons in our house too, my husband thinks she's building the iron throne with them. if she is happy and none of her friends/teachers/random people in the world have upset her then we all have a good day, If life does not proceed in a Lucy ordered fashion then I have to absorb it. She hates where we live, she says she doesn't want to go to uni but is only going because she won't be able to get a job, she says she has an awful life and I have ruined it. She refuses to come on family holidays but then moans the bejaysus out of me when I leave her "home alone and she needs me"
A classic moment was when she wanted her dad to pay for a plane ticket for her as she refused to sir next to her 23 year old sister in a car because she hates her. The poor man was taking the children to his mothers funeral and she still couldn't put anyone's needs above her own
I am in flitters with her

This is all so familiar. Eldest DS 18 has just defaced DS2 prom ticket. I now have to phone school, make up some crap story about it getting destroyed and try and get a replacement. I have gone off at him about it only to be told to piss off. I really thought tonight might have been ok, he's done his last A level exam today so thought he'd be elated rather than vile. I've really had enough...

Have you started the book Dolly? Maybe you could bullet point it for us on here??

Yes have started it, there's a long build up to the concept
Once I've grasped it I'll post it

My 18 year old daughter is living with her dad because I found the abusive behaviour unacceptable. She straight away got herself a part-time job, stuck to it, organised her own phone contract, did her school work and a lot of her worst behaviour (bigotry online with 'friends' for example) stopped. She's 20 times different, but she came over today for lunch to celebrate the end of exams and was still pretty contemptuous towards me, her sister and her father. But she's a lot different and a lot calmer. I really do agree with the person who said we shouldn't treat 'teenagers' as another species. I've always thought this. I have a lot more understanding now about the rewiring thing, and how similar to toddlers they become as something goes on developmentally and they clearly need to seperate from their caregivers by experimenting with a kind of hatefulness...So I do see that it's a thing they need to do, and they need a lot of love. But I also think there's a thing we need to do, too, which is to say when it gets ugly and when their actions are just wrong and we don't want to be part of those actions. I realised that engaging with some of the worst stuff (and that means rising to it, a lot of the time, and arguing back!) I was just making it worse. But I'm really sad, and I miss her. I miss being her mum and seeing her every day.

AZ my dos went to live with his dad last year for 6 months. He seemed like a changed boy to start with, but I think he was getting a lot of attention due to Disney parenting during the school holidays and life was wonderful for him
At 18 your dd is old enough to move out anyway, but you might find you establish a new relationship if you just give it time

I know I felt betrayed, I was the one who'd put up with all the crap, who'd stayed up all night nursing him when sick, gone without to pay for things and then it was all fabulous at dads. I felt really hurt and I expect you do too. But I kinda knew he'd come back.
Big hugs, it will all be ok in the end

Nothing really to report. Got home from a long day's work. Two are at home, no dinner made though...one just buggers off out. At 18 doesn't believe he has to say where he's going, what he's doing or when he'll be back. I suppose he doesn't really. Though he has an exam day after tomorrow.

No conversation from either of them unless I ask a general question, otherwise they'd probably not open their mouths. I don't believe they're deliberately rude, just so absorbed in their own lives that I am completely irrelevant.

On the plus side youngest did make me a strawberry and chocolate pancake for breakfast the other day

quite glad to have found this thread - I feel my kids are like this a lot of the time and they have just turned 14. Have been going through a nasty divorce for last year or so and probably going to get worse before it gets sorted and didn't know whether my kids behaviour was partly related to this. It seems they are pretty "normal" - i struggle with neither of them wanting to do anything other than ipad/xbox and then complaining that I dont do anything with them. neither of them want to talk about what is going on but seems they dont talk much anyway. have tried the bet you dont talk/behave like this to your teachers but doesnt make any difference. I am so worn down with everything and was beginning to think are they depressed and would some family talking help. I am having to deal with far more than I ever have and having no extra support from their father doesn't help.

It sounds like you are having a tough time, made tougher by little support. After spending my whole evening with one of my dcs looking into courses rearranging everything I have just been screamed at and told to fuck off out of my life! I had an overwhelming urge to land a punch right between the eyes!! Of course I didn't! So I would say if they are a pain in the arse they could have been anyway. But of course they are going through extra stress and it must be tough

I remember being a not giving a shit kind of a teen and my father's words still ring in my ears "if you think life would be so much better without my help there is the front door, open it and make your own way in the world". I don't think I complained again, about anything. I think some of you here could maybe do with giving your kids a bit of a dose of this medicine. If they are too young for the front door treatment threaten to cut off their allowance and find a part-time job.

I have tried everything. There really isn't much left in her room she has had so many 'withdrawal of privileges'. I think apart from this thread making a lot of people feel less alone it shows sometimes nothing seems to work on some children. My others dcs have caused less stress combined than this one! Just glad I don't feel so alone through posters sharing their experiences.

I have just started a thread about my DS then found this one, he is just what most of you describe, miserable, arrogant, but what I cannot put up with is his aggressiveness

Can I join, please! I have twin 14yr old ds who are making my dh and my lives a misery atm. Only yesterday I was sworn at, called vile names and had items thrown at me because I lost it when, during one of the numerous violent fights they have with each other they managed to get water all over both their mattresses (throwing water baloons at each other in the bedrooms) and also break the shower cubicle door. Apparently it was all my fault as I had asked them to bring their washing downstairs!!?? Later it all went very quiet and I found them acting best mates again, laying together on the blow up mattresses hey had to use,watching a DvD!
The constant fighting, then raging at me because I have removed X box or I pad or phone privileges (usually ends with removing all 3) goes on week in and week out. They are ultra nice to me to try and get devices back early, then I'm a "F'ing fat bitch" when I don't give in and stick to my guns over a punishment. DH wants to strangle them, and has had to actually leave the house to calm down on occasions rather than give them the hiding they oh so deserve.
Oh, and it's our fault that we are "poor" and they can't have all the expensive things their "richer" mates have. We are not poor, both dh and I work, but we do have to budget and we cannot afford for them to have the designer trainers, X box 1 or go on expensive holidays that some of their more affluent mate get.
I have told them today that unless their general behaviour towards us improves, they will not be going on the mini break that they are really looking forward to during the holidays, as why should we pay out money to be insulted by the horrible humans they are. BUT... on the positive side, at school, around their mates etc, we are always be told what polite, helpful boys they both are!
Talk about Jekell and Hyde personalities!

So glad I found this. Even if it is somewhere to vent. I have 3, dd 15, and 2 ds 12 and 10. The last year has been hellish, a real roller coaster, dd struggles with anxiety, trying to keep boundaries and be a parent but being terrified that you will tip them over is a real challenge. Life is like walking on egg shells. The hardest thing is losing my daughter and having someone I every now and again glimpse the old girl, to having someone who seems to hate me! I didn't anticipate it would be this hard and I still have 2 to go- on the plus side this thread has really made me chuckle. So glad I am not alone! So tired of pretending it's all ok.

I agree about this being a place to be honest. My dd and Ds were having an argument right at the top of the stairs the other day my dh intervened as he thought one of them was going to end up at the bottom of the stairs. Neither would listen to him and just seemed hell bent on killing each other. My dh moved my dd towards her room and she turned to hit him!!! She didn't mind you I think it's because he moved fast! Now she is not speaking to us as her Dad had been so horrible to her?? And all we get is mouthfuls of abuse. She can sulk for ages!! Maybe he should have let them both tumble down the stairs (no u didn't say that)!!!

It's the complete change in personality that really gets me. I at one stage, thought I had succeeded in raising nice, polite boys, now I feel I have failed horribly! I just wish they would stop trying to kill each other and wrecking our house in the process, currently we need 3 new doors ( holes in them) 1 complete door frame (one shouldering the door to try and get back at his brother), I shower door, not to mention the picture frame glass, and 1 hole in an interior wall!! We are holding off fixing anything until they have either grown out of this behaviour or left home, whichever comes first!

bubbly64 - if you do get the repairs done, ensure the culprit pays for the damage, nothing like hitting them in the pocket to get the message across!

Yesterday I asked DS (18) to hoover the stairs.
Cue whimpering, whinging, high pitched crying type noises, all carried out to theatrical effect whilst smashing the hoover around violently.

No surprise then that he broke the head attachment. I made him go and order, and pay for, a replacement part.

Then I had to take him out for a driving lesson and suffer being told that he knows how to do a hill start better than I do. Even though he can't do it.

Good move Pear (re the hoover), so it's still Drama Central when they're 18yrs is it , FFS, kill me now.

Hi...i thought i was the only one going through this...i am totally at the end of giving up. My son has been 'less than lovely' for the past 5 years..he's now nearly 16 and his agression towards me and my partner is unbearable. His attendance at schooled averaged 70%...i had constant telephone calls from school...making me feel inadequate as a parent. My son is big..prop forward..im tiny...believe me..when i was on my own i couldnt force him out of bed. He'd square up to me..frighten me...almost ruled the house...but i let him do it and get away with it. 2 years ago i fell in love...been single for 3 so about time...i thought someone by my side...working together my son would show some respect. How wrong could i be...its got so much worse..he was expelled grom school and now is 'home schooled'...although he's never out of bed until 3pmish every day..later at weekends. Today was the worst...he doesnt get on with my partner and when they're home together i get constant txs and phonecalls about rows they'ved had...piggy in the middle. My partner maintains my son shold be up at 11am and doing his planned school work...my son sleeps through alarm...a small riot erupts. This isnt the first time but i really am at the point of giving up...he's scarey when he's abusive...he wishes my partner dead...he's told me to choose between them...he swears and shouts at him..telling him where to go but not that politely. Ive been outside my house before too scared to go in as my partners on nights and me and my son have had a row about him sleeping until 4 and he's so angry at me. Think i'll shut up now...but any advice or anyone going through the same please get in touch x thank you x

Ah, im so glad Im not in this alone. My middle child is the source of great pain - he is constantly in trouble at school, has been expelled from one, and its looking dodgy with school 2. Smoking. Drugs. Sex. and yet a national sportsman. ALso a prize tosser of epic proportions.

Is currently in the brown and smelly stuff at school over some crap with a girl and some pictures...that he never had, he just made out that he had them to impress other lads.

He needs to go talk to his HOY and explain what the deal is, (including the fact that his phone has no camera and no internet - his old phone did, but he lost that 6 weeks ago and now demands that I buy him another or claim in insurance - only I must pay the excess. Jog on matey.) But will he? No. Because its not his fault, clearly.

He talks to me like I'm shit, steals from my purse, doesnt clean up after himself and his bedroom is a tip. But Im unfair because I dont give him pocket money. For doing sweet FA. He is, in fact, Kevin the teenager. The older he gets, the more I appreciate the comedy genius of Kevin.

Hi...its horrible isn't it....we give him everything..i find myself making constant excuses for him doing sweet fa...or for sleeping all day...and all we get is agression..ive had 5 years of this and am at the point of giving ip...its effecting my job and my health but even this doesnt seem to bother him

templar I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. I really have no advice though I think you could do with some real help and support in setting some boundaries, and sorting out what action you can take - if any. Awful to be scared of your 16 year old. But certainly make it clear to him what you will do - from the most basic withdrawing of priveleges to the most extreme of calling the police. You could start a thread of your own as others have been through it I'm sure.

Meanwhile, my youngest, 18, has failed an important exam and is grumbling and moaning "I don't care, I don't even WANT to pass".

Me, I'm fecking sick of shelling out money for extra lessons, teeth, driving, constant bloody support, trying to understand... dd (20) gives the youngest a lift to town IN MY CAR, to sign up for a retake. This was at 5pm - at 10.30 pm they finally call me to inform me of their plans. One has no money on her phone, the other has no battery. I expected them back for dinner. I am so bored and tired of it all. I really, really, need to set some boundaries myself, don't I?

Yep..i think we both do...we've done it far too long though...let them get away with it...changing their culture will be sooooooo tough!!! Going to seek prof help today...if he had a relationship with his dad id be asking him to sort him out but he hasnt seen him since he was 3...so mopthefloor...they have to like it or lump it dont they? We're all they have so live by my rules and everything will be fine....gulp!!!

Templar, you have pretty much described my life with DS 17. At 15/16 I reached crisis point with him. The turning point was him getting a part time job. He is much better now but still volatile and manipulative. Occasionally violent but not towards me. Every door has holes in, much of my glassware and crockery is smashed through carelessness or anger. Wish I could type more but got to work! You are not alone, I've been through exactly the same and its hell