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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Does anyone ever feel like they are in an abusive relationship with their dcs!!

183 replies

Slippersmum · 08/06/2015 10:17

Ok, prepare for a torrent of self pity!! Another weekend of not being able to do anything right, no matter what I do! Don't know which is worst the horrible comments or the silent treatment. Am I the only one who feels like they are in some kind of abusive relationship!!?? If I wasn't related to them I would do all I could to avoid them, let alone live with them!!

OP posts:
Cocolepew · 12/06/2015 09:23

That's lovely travelled Smile

Can I join? My 13 yo Dd is giving me grey hair. She went out last night and less than a minute after dropping her off she dropped her phone and smashed it. She didn't have the cover on it.
I've taken it off her and she's not allowed to go for a sleepover tonight.
She genuinely can't figure out that she's not going because it's a punishment for not using her cover when she knows she should have it in all the time (it's not the first phone/ipod she's broken)

I was looking through it last night and have discovered that when I drop her at school she's then walking back out to meet her friend, this is obviously why she was turning up late for reg and got a detention for it. Though of course it was everyones but her fault.

She can be lovely, she goes to quite a rough school and her grades went down a while ago, all her teachers said it's because of who she was hanging around with (though I seemed to be the only one that thought she should bear some responsibility)
She treats school like a fashion parade Hmm

BrendaBlackhead · 12/06/2015 09:37

Sympathies, Cocolepew, dd has chosen the, er, more edgy pupils as friends and it's so depressing. Ds had/has such "naice" friends but dd has cleaved to the sort of people who inhabit the bottom groups and don't bother. She has started adding on "yeah" to the end of every sentence. Shudder.

And, yes, school exists in order for one to spend an hour getting ready in the morning: hairdos, skirt adjustment, bag positioning. What to do? What to do?

mopthefloorwithme · 12/06/2015 13:55

I see this as a safe place to rant... I love my kids with all my heart but I miss them. At the moment I'm living with three lodgers who act (most of the time) as if they're unrelated to us.

On mother's day - my youngest (18) gave me some weeds flowers from the garden and a hand-written note. The other two shuffled past muttering under their breath something like: "happy mother's day, although we consider it a meaningless concept manufactured by the profit-driven society we live in which in turn was created by you and people like you...mother". You have to laugh or you'd cry. I told them they were a pair of sad cynics.

DollyTwat · 12/06/2015 14:22

My ds really upset me last night. Usually I can ignore the nasty comments but he was so cruel

I'm waiting for the results of a biopsy on a mouth ulcer, I'm obviously a bit worried. He started to take the piss, that it's just a mouth ulcer that I was attention seeking and that it wouldn't be a proper cancer anyway so he'd be embarrassed by it
He just went on and on, I had to walk away and tell him I didn't want to speak to him anymore
It's as though it never happened with him today Sad

Tequilashotfor1 · 12/06/2015 16:04

dolly Sad what a sod!

Fingers crossed for you Flowers

Travelledtheworld · 12/06/2015 17:23

Oh Dolly what a thoughtless git.
How long will you have to wait for the results ?

VodkaJelly · 12/06/2015 17:34

Mopthefloor, maybe you should do the same on Christmas day, instead of giving them presents you can mutter about it being over commercialised rubbish.

Cocolepew · 12/06/2015 17:43

Dolly Flowers

Cocolepew · 12/06/2015 17:45

I got DD a a cheap Nokia to use so I can keep in touch with her. She hates it, so job done Smile

DollyTwat · 12/06/2015 21:01

Should be next week I hope
I wasn't BU was I? Really upset me that the thought that he'd have to be nice to me and life might not revolve around him was so abhorrent
I'll let you know wen I get re results peomise

Cocolepew · 12/06/2015 21:29

Of course you weren't BU Flowers

mopthefloorwithme · 12/06/2015 22:04

dolly - so sorry your ds was so mean - I think your reaction in telling him you didn't want to talk to him any more was perfect - maybe he was able to reflect on what a self absorbed git he was. Hope you get good news next week.

vodka - sounds like a good plan Grin

Good news. I did get a hug from two of mine the other day...and they didn't even ask to borrow money.

azA99 · 14/06/2015 07:00

I was told yesterday that I hadn't had the right sorts of jobs, that I should demand money from my family of origin (regardless of the circumstances) to give to my children, and I should do whatever I can to be in a position to take my daughter and her boyfriend, (who is rude, has no social skills, and has probably cheated on her and certainly lied to her), to places which would impress him. Or her. or their friends, not sure who. Ideally, i wouldn't be present on this imaginary holiday. I feel like the whole concept of morality and ethics doesn't exist. What is the book people talk about on this site that people often recommend, again? Although I suspect there isn't a book that will magically make this all easier. I suspect that the only way through all this is to laugh, because it's just ridiculous sometimes.

larrygrylls · 14/06/2015 07:49

I don't get this idea of this binary between 'children' and adults. If behaviour is unacceptable and rude, it is not amusing or to be indulged. So many on this site diagnose less than perfect adult relationships at the drop of a hat but somehow teenagers demonstrating the same traits are just 'being teenagers'. If teenagers used to be able to sit down at family dinners, make conversation, talk politely to adults, they still can. And, to borrow another phrase from another area of MN, are they like that with their friends, their teachers etc? If not, they cleArly know how to behave, they are just choosing not to.

You can't divorce your children but you can control their access to money, technology etc. Schools cannot bring up children single handedly, it takes active involved parents too. 'Oh bless him/her, he/she is just being a teenager' is not good enough.

BrendaBlackhead · 14/06/2015 08:21

I think there has always been a clash between teenagers and parents - from reading I suppose it's a kind of a power struggle. I read a lot of pre-WWII books and the young people in them - usually girls - are often behaving in a painful manner. However, whereas in the past a teenager would have been grumpy, muttered a few things under their breath and spent a long time lying on their bed, or even doing a bit of flouncing, in recent times they have become more demanding and feel it's okay to speak rudely to their parents - sometimes insultingly rudely.

I suppose it might be because we try to be our dc's friend and please them. It's very difficult to try to have authority whilst constantly being reasonable and endlessly pleasant in the face of churlish insubordination.

Original poster
Slippersmum · 14/06/2015 17:10

I have had the most awful weekend. Spent most of yesterday trying to avoid my dd and the foul mood she was in. Unfortunately today we were together all day at a sporting event and it was just a nightmare The way she speaks to me in front of other people is just awful, although she was not alone quite a few parents were in the same position! Then when I say thinking I don't know how much more of this I can stand she said don't sit there sulking. She is vile! How did I get here?? Why is she like this and my other dcs are not. She has made my weekend a total misery!!! I am now at home drained and about to burst into tears. Any virtual hand holding available please??

OP posts:
DollyTwat · 14/06/2015 18:16

I can hold your hand slippersmum
It's exhausting isn't it

I've ordered a book from Amazon called Non-Violent Resistance by Martha someone. It's about regaining the authority with kids like ours. I'll report back on any strategies I find useful

Thankfully ds1 has made up with some of his friends and has gone out for the first time this week. All his clothes appear to be scattered on his floor - I'm not touching any of it Grin

confu3ed · 14/06/2015 21:58

Can I please join? My 15 yr old DD is driving me insane. Our relationship is terrible and she hates me, argues with everything I say and makes out that I am selfish and don't do anything for her. I pay for concert tickets, give her £40 a month allowance and pay for her clothes etc and it's still not enough. Almost every word that she says to me at the mo is awful and she has been so rude this weekend that I could actually scream. Trouble is that I am 10 weeks pregnant and so tired that I just have no energy for it and that seems to make it worse. God I feel so bad for saying this but by the sounds of it I am not alone!!

Springtimemama · 14/06/2015 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DollyTwat · 15/06/2015 21:18

The book has arrived
Once ds1 has gone to bed I'll have a look and report back

DollyTwat · 16/06/2015 20:17

Evening from Hell last night. Seemed my da was after a row whatever. Has a real downer on me, have no idea why
So ended up taking his phone away - he slammed his bedroom door on my face
Was going to refuse school this morning til he was told he'd never see his phone again if he didn't go

I'm worn out. Nearly cried at work when someone cheerily asked how I was

Gibble1 · 16/06/2015 22:30

Dolly, sorry you 've had such a rubbish couple of days. :(

DollyTwat · 16/06/2015 22:56

Thanks Gibble, it's been a few weeks and I'm exhausted with it
Could cheerfully walk out and go somewhere relaxing

Original poster
Slippersmum · 17/06/2015 08:08

Dolly so sorry things are tough. I to have had that thought - just walking out! I honestly think the first time they would notice something is when tea wasn't ready, although my food she shit anyway apparently so maybe not even then!! Mmmmm maybe I should start my escape plan?

OP posts:
DollyTwat · 17/06/2015 11:59

I've got a night off, my dad is having him tonight.
Maybe we need a big shed we can go and hide in Grin

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