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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dd has literally been crying all night because she doesn't like her hair cut

180 replies

18yearstooold · 09/05/2015 07:35

Dd (13) has been asking for months to get her hair cut short -this has been a considered decision

Went yesterday to get it done and she hates it

The tears started about half an hour after she got home and haven't stopped

She's now saying she's not leaving the house, has cancelled plans to see friends, doesn't want anyone looking at her -its too short to tie up so I've no suggestions for her really

It actually looks really nice but she can't see that

What the hell do I do?

OP posts:
Sorehead · 09/05/2015 09:01

Do you have a hairdressers nearby where you can literally drop her at the door so she doesn't see anyone and ask them to style it for her in a way she likes, then ask them to show her how to recreate the look?

When I was 13 I tried to cut in a fringe myself from a long side fringe... now that was awful! Only way to salvage it was to have it all pushed back with a hairband until it grew out. Not great because I have quite a large forehead Blush

ragged · 09/05/2015 09:09

She needs some friends to come around & say it Looks Fine.
Her angst is all about what the friends will think.
I feel for you OP!!

PacificDogwood · 09/05/2015 09:11

Yes, I agree, no adult will be able to help how she feels about it - her peers need to reassure her Grin

cathyandclaire · 09/05/2015 09:12

I know she's only 13 but for the next couple of days eye make up (especially mascara) is your saviour.
A new haircut is very exposing and when it's short you can't hide behind your hair any more. DD found this when she had a heavy fringe cut in.
Get her to experiment with new looks, or get a mac/somewhere else lesson.

BinToHellAndBack · 09/05/2015 09:17

Get her to choose one friend to invite round to watch a film in the dark to ease her in gently with very little attention going on her hair?

Friend will of course notice but your DD will be able to feel she is hiding a bit.

HellKitty · 09/05/2015 09:22

I feel for you! I went from bleached blonde to brunette. Cried and stayed off school for a few hours while I begged DM to buy me more bleach. She didn't Grin

I also got a 'trim' in my late 30s that ended up from very long to very short. I wore a hat for 6 months!

No advice other than reassurance and get her friends over.

Twirlwirlywoo · 09/05/2015 09:29

I think even the most confident person would have moments of OMG have I done the right thing going from hair past the shoulder to a short crop like that. No matter how fantastic the cut and it suits you.

Add on top of that general teenage girl insecurities, desperation to fit in. teen self etseem etc etc and no wonder she is besides herself.

She will get used to it in time. Its the initial walking past yourself in the mirror and almost jumping in surprise of OMG is that me - it will take a few days. Most of us have been there at some point.

I think the best suggestion is to get her closest friends over today, girls you trust and have a word and ask them to help boost your daughters confidence with her new look.

She will get comments on Monday at school and not all positive I imagine - not because there is anything wrong with the cut but because teens/kids can react negatively to change and be jelous of having the confidence to have such a bold change.

ageingdisgracefully · 09/05/2015 09:34

That is bloody gorgeous OP! I'd kill for that! Mine just won't do it.....Envy.

Well....we've all been there, haven't we? I agree that it's probably more about overall self-esteem/self-consciousness than the actual haircut. It's hard being 13, but there you go...

I think I'd be quite brisk about it. Give her the weekend to fiddle about with it (great styling products like powders, colours etc about), and perhaps direct her to Pinterest for some confidence-building inspiration. Then leave her to it.

I was called "streak" for ages in school after a Harmony rinse left my mousy hair with bright red streaks...perhaps you have similar stories to buck her up a bit. It's only hair, and will grow. And I bet her friends will LOVE it.

guineapig1 · 09/05/2015 09:34

Ahh bless her, we have all been there. Do you have a friendly local salon with a young hairdresser who could have a look/help with some looks/ideas? I am thinking maybe an apprentice/trainee even, probably the younger the better (but with some knowledge of styling!) as the age gap will be smaller and she is more on you daughters wavelength . Even if she suggests exactly the same as you, it will undoubtedly be better received from a young cool, hip hairdresser who often sport short stylish crops themselves. By virtue of the fact that you are her mum anything you say about it looking lovely/fashionable will be immediately discounted but coming from someone else it might be a different story...

Original poster
18yearstooold · 09/05/2015 09:46

If I get her friend over then she will go ballistic

I've suggested inviting her nicest friend over today or tomorrow once she's had time to play with it but she's just wanting to hide under her duvet

I'm envisaging more tears this morning as she's slept on it and it will be stuck up all over the place

I've offered to do it for her before she goes in the bathroom but we shall see

OP posts:
Jenni2legs · 09/05/2015 09:56

Could you go on Crown and Glory and boy some nice sparkly clips for her?

VeryVeryDarkGrey · 09/05/2015 10:04

I think you need to stop pandering to her really, its just hair, its a beautiful cut and it will grow back. Stop trying to jolly her out of her mood and she might realise a bit quicker how ridiculous she is being

Preminstreltension · 09/05/2015 10:07

I'm a bit alarmed that you have lost sleep over this. Your job is to be brisk and reassuring and not model over emotional responses. She's only 13 but needs to learn from you.

Original poster
18yearstooold · 09/05/2015 10:12

I've lost sleep due to the level of genuine distress she was showing last night

If I worry I can't sleep -it may only be hair but its her hair and its important to her

OP posts:
MarniRose · 09/05/2015 10:16

I'm veering towards the harsher responses on here - and I have a teenage drama llama myself!

I'd let her have her wallow and then I'd be talking practicalities with a brisk ' that's enough wailing about your hair now please ' . I certainly wouldn't be losing sleep/ pandering to her by thinking about texting her friends etc. it's a haircut , she hates it , it's upsetting but hey, nobody died and it's now time to stop being daft.
Ive taken that approach to parenting for almost 17 years - my kids don't hate me and still speak to me Grin

Preminstreltension · 09/05/2015 10:17

but this is like a baby having a massive meltdown. They are not actually about to die although it looks like it. They are fine but overwhelmed by emotion. Nothing will happen to her through being this upset and over the course of her teens she needs to learn to moderate these responses. Your job is to be calm and nice but not get involved in the emotional drama.

outtolunchagain · 09/05/2015 10:20

Thats true, it is important to her , and goodness knows we've all been there, but essentially this is a life lesson.You have to keep hold of the mantra that you are the adult and she is the child .You cannot take the problem away, the hair has been cut now but you can help her to deal with the shock, because essentially thats what it is .Being hysterical with her and joining in is not going to help her to learn .

She absolutely has to get on with life , children are scared for life , or lose limbs etc yes its harsh but its life , we cannot hide under a duvet and get hysterical everytime something doesn't go our way .I would gently suggest that the self indulgence has gone on long enough , that she has to go to school on monday and that this is what having new haircuts is like , how would she like to proceed ?I would not be hysterical as well.(easier said than done I know)

pnutter · 09/05/2015 10:21

The minute one of her peers sees it and says "oh wow I love it" she'll stop completely and she will suddenly feel like the bees knees. So I'd just go for that idea . Asap.

RudyMentary · 09/05/2015 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
18yearstooold · 09/05/2015 10:32

Not got her ears pierced, she's never been interested

She's generally not a girly girl

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 09/05/2015 10:32

Is she, by any chance, due her period and is thus awash with PMT, making it all seem so much worse?

SnotQueen · 09/05/2015 10:46

Tricky for you, but I also think you should try to stop her wallowing (impossible I know!)

Tell her that even adults are disappointed with haircuts sometimes but it will grow etc etc. Offer to help her style it and try different things.

She needs to know that hiding for 4 months is not an option but there is a solution - get to grips with her own hair and own it. I reckon other girls will be jealous as it will make her look grown up and sophisticated. Christ, I'm jealous of people who can pull that haircut off!

Cocolepew · 09/05/2015 10:51

Thats the same as my hair, it must loook lovely Wink
My DD has had a very short pixie cut for a few years, shes 17 now. She has never had a negative reaction to it, most people tell her they are jealous she was brave enough to try it.
She will get over it, DD2 is 13 and obsessed with her hair so I feel your pain.
Because of the longer length on top its actually really quick and easy to grow.
Flowers

PacificDogwood · 09/05/2015 10:56

Of course her distress is genuine - she does feel that this The Worst that could happen to her.
That's why it's important that you remain calm and nice and reassuring about it.

It's only Saturday, I'd see how things go, but under NO circumstances would I allow my child to stay off school because they hate their hair cut. Priorities and all that.

I hope she comes out the other side v soon.

Mitzi50 · 09/05/2015 11:06

DD always hates her hair cuts resulting in door slamming, sobbing and general hysteria . I have learnt to give reassurance that it looks lovely (always true so far) and then move quickly on a no nonsense, kind but firm attitude as I realised that anything I said just prolonged the drama.

Flowers