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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS has been excluded from school

205 replies

Blossomflowers · 09/03/2015 10:55

Had a call from the police on Friday pm, DS son was found with cannabis at school. They brought him home, searched his room and gave him a Caution, school has excluded him whilst they decide what to do. This sounds very bad but actually turns out he found the tiniest bit ( a stalk and not smokeable ) in a bag a school, happened to fall out of his pocket, he is an idiot for picking it up and is now grounded. But I am very about his future, he was doing so well and very well liked by his teachers, now he could be expelled. I kind of think that school over reacted, what do you guys think?

OP posts:
LoofahVanDross · 10/03/2015 17:54

Fugacity - There but for the grace of god go the rest of us, including you.

OP - you have held yourself remarkably well throughout this thread. This could honestly happen to any of us, at any time. Perhaps we could put ourselves in the OP's shoes for a minute.

Fugacity · 10/03/2015 18:29

I am under God's grace for sure, but nothing to do with illicit substances!

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 10/03/2015 18:34

loofah thank you. Of course it could And again I thank the people who have been help and offered advice instead damming me making out that I a terrible parent and my DS a horrible druggy. If you mmet my son you would say what a delightful boy, he has just made a mistake and hope we can get him on the straight and narrow

OP posts:
Fugacity · 10/03/2015 18:37

But he hasn't just made one mistake, has he? He is a habitual user of an illicit substance and has finally been caught.

If that had been one of my teens, I would blame myself for poor parenting.

auberginesarenottheonlyfruit · 10/03/2015 18:39

Hmm, the thing is,

auberginesarenottheonlyfruit · 10/03/2015 18:44

re: what silverbangles said,
he has agreed to accept support in quitting smoking? That sounds far too wishy-washy and a bit, "Well, OK I'll try, which is kind of giving up before you even start.
Can't help thinking if he was truly repentant and determined to make amends, he'd have no doubt about giving up.
His previous mental health issues in my mind, make it even more important he never touches this stuff again.
And also agree that this was not "a mistake." You've acknowledged that he has been smoking this stuff for a while. Where's the mistake, apart from having been caught?

fannyfanakapan · 10/03/2015 19:03

Teenagers are a law unto themselves - they indulge in risky behaviour because they want to push the boundaries and reject their parent's values, so as to forge an independent identity.

Parenting has little to do with it. Its all about peer pressure. You can tell your child not to smoke, you can point out the perils, you can ground them and take away everything - but they will still do it.

I hope that the parents on here blaming the OP don't forget this thread when their child comes home drunk or stoned or gets in trouble with the law. May they feel a little shame when it happens.

auberginesarenottheonlyfruit · 10/03/2015 19:13

Some teenagers, fanny, not all of them.

CommanderShepard · 10/03/2015 19:22

fugacity's point is a good one, OP - you would be more than reasonable to warn him of the consequences if he were to do it again, especially in terms of US immigration laws (I know it sounds dramatic but I can assure you they really are that strict).

fannyfanakapan · 10/03/2015 19:25

agreed, some kids dont smoke, some dont drink, some dont engage in underage sex, some don't spraypaint graffiti, beat up old ladies or join ISIS. But some do. They are children still and deserve love and support from the adults in their lives, to show them a different way, to show their path into adulthood.

auberginesarenottheonlyfruit · 10/03/2015 19:40

Whilst I get that the OP is battling a difficult path here, particularly as her ex is sabotaging her at every turn, let's not forget that the opening post was asking if the school were over-reacting by excluding her son over drug possession.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 10/03/2015 20:09

aubergine I did not think excluding him was ott, expelling him I thought would be too much. And seems they agree with me.

OP posts:
andsmile · 10/03/2015 20:12

Just read your update - thats good news Blossom

auberginesarenottheonlyfruit · 10/03/2015 20:31

Expulsion is not a term used much, if at all, nowadays. It's exclusion, either fixed-term or permanent.
And you spoke in the past tense about the school having excluded him "while they decide what to do." You said "he could" be expelled."

And actually, you don't know for sure yet that they agree with you, as you said " if all goes well he will rejoin school."

YoureAllABunchOfBastards · 10/03/2015 21:00

Have you had a letter? This is starting to sound very much like an illegal exclusion. We have specific text that we have to include on every letter which sets out restrictions on being out during school hours, the complaints/appeal process and the reintegration date and time.

We ALWAYS offer work, even for a short exclusion. Not having work is not a punishment, it's a reward.

My comment of bollocks was aimed at the school, not you. It pisses me off when schools bend the rules. It's not hard to get it right.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 10/03/2015 21:03

youre no I had no letter and yes I knew you were refering to the school, I agree not allowing him complete work seems total bollocks.
Re being expelled I am showng my age

OP posts:
auberginesarenottheonlyfruit · 10/03/2015 21:08

Correct procedure or not, to quibble about the terms of the exclusion would send an appalling message to the ds. He had cannabis on him, he's been smoking it for a while, it's a fair cop. Suck it up (which, to be fair to the OP, se seems to be doing).

AuntieDee · 10/03/2015 21:22

You seriously believe he 'just found it' and put it in his pocket?

YoureAllABunchOfBastards · 11/03/2015 07:41

I don't think that the DS needs to know that his mum is complaining about how the exclusion was dealt with. But the school are not acting correctly. If they exclude, they need to follow the guidelines.

auberginesarenottheonlyfruit · 11/03/2015 18:54

Of course he doesn't need to know, but I bet he'd find out.

Alvah · 13/03/2015 23:45

Blossomflowers I don't know why people are being unsupportive... Hmm
I really feel for you in this situation, my own DS 14 knows a lot of people who smoke cannabis (at school and outwith) I have been terrified he would start/try smoking it himself. We (some parents) discovered a facebook chat where they were planning to get some (a few months back when he was 13). It was such a shock and a nightmare. I've had mine on drugtests since, but it has been negative everytime. I am starting to stop being freaked out now, but am keeping a close eye.

So yes I feel for you. Your boy is lucky to have a supportive parent. But I would keep a very close eye on him just so you can help him make good choices for himself xx

cleo14 · 14/03/2015 01:25

Hi, blossomflowers, I've have read through this thread and I really feel for you. I have worked with young people for a number of years, have extensive knowledge of teenage development and also am a parent to a teenager. Besides the lack of support you have received on here, I am also fairly horrified by how naive people are. What I would like to say is that you are very lucky that your ds eventually told you the truth- lying is a normal part of teen development as is experimentation. I wonder how many people on this thread are truly confident that there ds/dd has never experimented? Unfortunately, you found out the hard way. At almost 15 your son should have some degree of independence- your response to this is crucial and you must ensure that your relationship with him remains intact. Education is key at this age, direct him to the facts. If cannabis use is an issue in his school they should be responding to this. Please remember, this is a phase- it will pass. Take care x

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 14/03/2015 12:19

alvah cleo thank you for your kind messages. I have been some what stunned by people ignorance and attitudes.
Well I let DS out for the first time and had 3 friends to sleep, they are a lovely bunch of kids, keeping a lose eye on him. Back to school on Monday hopefully all will go well

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossomflowers · 16/03/2015 13:21

Well just got back from the integration meeting. It went very well. A clear message as been made should there be any other episode with that will be it. We have arranged for youth worker to meet with DS and am going back to the GP to get a referral to a service that can help him quit smoking. I am pretty sure had he not been so popular and had such potential they would have not allowed him back. Hopefully onwards and upwards

OP posts:
LoofahVanDross · 16/03/2015 20:40

Brilliant news. So pleased. He should not be written off at 14. As you say onwards and upwards.