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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS has been excluded from school

205 replies

Blossomflowers · 09/03/2015 10:55

Had a call from the police on Friday pm, DS son was found with cannabis at school. They brought him home, searched his room and gave him a Caution, school has excluded him whilst they decide what to do. This sounds very bad but actually turns out he found the tiniest bit ( a stalk and not smokeable ) in a bag a school, happened to fall out of his pocket, he is an idiot for picking it up and is now grounded. But I am very about his future, he was doing so well and very well liked by his teachers, now he could be expelled. I kind of think that school over reacted, what do you guys think?

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Original poster
Blossomflowers · 09/03/2015 13:23

andsmile Thank you again, nice to get some sensible advice. You mentioned a documentary I think, what was it called? can I still get it on catch up?
The reason I am not with his Dad is because he is an awful parent, DS knows his Dad is not good but loves him and would not forgive me if I cut contact.
Am still waiting for school to call. Need to know what is happening, if they want to expel him not sure what happens next. There is not an alternative around here

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Original poster
Blossomflowers · 09/03/2015 13:24

Issabell Why don't you read the post properly before you comment

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GingerCuddleMonster · 09/03/2015 13:26

Blossom where does your DS get money from? work? pocket money?

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 09/03/2015 13:34

Well his dad give him money,( asked him not to) and sometimes I give him dinner money when not having a packed lunch. Will have to rethink this now

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andsmile · 09/03/2015 13:36

Let me find it

"Drugs Live: Cannabis on Trial" its on Skys On Demand on Channel 4.

I thought I knew enough but this was bare stark up to date and powerful.

He may need help to change how/who he socialises with - it's just as much about the lifestyle habit - entertainment as someone else mentioned. Does he do any sports/clubs etc for future.

Would it be worth using this as a wake up call to his father - could you get him on side...though peer groups are very influential - are there any other parents that you could help to put pressure on to disuade them from doing this?

I wouldn't go up againt him btw, all shouty judt calmly explain you are following advice about safe guarding his health re drug use.

trulybadlydeeply · 09/03/2015 13:38

OP, one other point I meant to make when I posted before was that I would urge GP involvement, as your DS may well be self medicating. From personal experience / knowledge many teenagers use drugs/alcohol as a way of masking other problems, eg anxiety, depression, life pressure etc.

I am NOT suggesting that your son must have mental health issues, or that all people who use drugs and alcohol do, however the first question I would want to ask you son about his cannabis use is why.

morethanpotatoprints · 09/03/2015 13:40

Blossom

I'm not sure I would stop his money tbh, even though this sounds daft in the short term.
The reason being if what stops him is not being able to buy it then long term you don't solve anything.
If he is educated, pays consequences, punished etc and learns why its a bad thing including the legalities when he is older and then stops, you have cracked it. Otherwise would you not be worried about him starting again when his finances resumed.
Just a thought, I could be wrong.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 09/03/2015 13:49

andsmile thank you, I will sit down and watch it with him tonight. I have resisted shouting at him but he knows I am deeply disappointed in him.
truely DS has had counselling was was very depressed and self harming last year. He admitted to her that he smoked to relax
His dad has admitted to feeling a bit responsible for what has happened, had all the you see I am a terrible parent thing again, that why we should have never had children, such a cop out really.

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andsmile · 09/03/2015 13:52

If you were terrible, you wouldnt be asking the questions an trying to think this through.

No one is perfect. You can't control people or situations...but your can control how you respond.

I hope his dad supports you on this - I bet you have more to say to his dad after seeing that programme!

GingerCuddleMonster · 09/03/2015 13:54

personally I'd withdraw all money but that's my opinion. can't buy can't use, this obviously won't stop "friemds" subbing him though which is the other issue, his social group are helping the behaviour continue.

I'd move him, he's not GCSE year, but that's me. I don't care how upset it makes him I'd have to remove him from the current social group, GP is a good idea also with regards to his father I'd be former and again take the upset that comes with it. No visits till he can show me he's changed (the father that is) and dad has to explain why not you. he's the bad guy not you.

clam · 09/03/2015 13:58

"I'd have to remove him from the current social group,"
But if drugs are as rife as some posters on here suggest, then he'd just meet similar people elsewhere. Better to educate him/shock him about the real consequences of smoking so he makes the decision himself to stop. Oh, and get his useless arse of a dad on board with the programme too.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 09/03/2015 13:58

ginger The only possible alternative school is a million time worse, which is why I chose this one. Moving school would be so disruptive, he is doing well with his course work and going into year 11 this in Septmeber
andsmile it was his dad saying he was a terrible parent, but I do feel a little rubbish now

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Quitelikely · 09/03/2015 13:58

Yes the school expelling him will help as will calling the police.

It helps because it sends a message to other young people that drugs will not be tolerated and there will be consequences. He deserved to be expelled as do bullies etc.

You cannot stop him smoking the stuff, only he can do that of his own free will. Educating him on the dangers might give him a thought or two..............

clam · 09/03/2015 14:01

"Million times worse" how? It's not just about wealth. Schools in more affluent areas have got just as much of an issue as poorer areas, even if they won't admit it.

The worst-behaved/most disruptive/drink-drug-takers I've heard about recently were from my friend's son's private school.

clam · 09/03/2015 14:07

Blossom, can I ask... you say he knows you're "deeply disappointed in him." What for, though? Didn't he know before that you "hated him smoking?" So, does he think you're disappointed for getting caught with it? Getting into trouble? Risking permanent exclusion? Or for making poor choices? Does he care much what you think, when he knows his dad sanctions it?

Just wondering how much of a battle you're going to have with converting him.

GingerCuddleMonster · 09/03/2015 14:08

I'd do both, and give him a last chance saloon/clean slate at a new school, hang around with the same type of people again, I'd seriously be looking at resedential drug rehab, and I'd make it very clear and not an empty threat. He can 're sit gcse's at a local college later than planned drug free if he must and feel like a right knob head.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 09/03/2015 14:12

clam nothing to do with wealth both comps

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stayathomegardener · 09/03/2015 14:19

I think you are not getting fully supported Blossom because posters can see that your son has lied about just picking up the bag that was in his pocket.
It is hard to think that you really understand the situation whilst hanging on to that.

trulybadlydeeply · 09/03/2015 14:19

In that case Blossom he is possibly is self medicating then. Did he have any treatment for the depression other than the counselling, such as anti depressants? Do you think he is depressed again?

The reason I am suggesting this is that my daughter (15 at the time) was in a similar position about 18 months ago, although it was mostly alcohol rather than drugs. Turned out she was severely depressed. Nearly a year on ADs, and input from the substance misuse team, and she is a different person. I felt awful at the time - awful because her mental health was so poor, and I hadn't realised (even though we have a family history of MH issues), and awful because I hadn't realised the extent of her substance misuse. It was a horrible time. But she sought help, accepted support / treatment, and she is better.

stayathomegardener · 09/03/2015 14:21

Clam,it is fairly rife at DD's rural private school but not in the 14/15 year olds,much more 16+

Madamecastafiore · 09/03/2015 14:23

Your son is lying to you. It was his cannabis. I think you need to accept that.

I'd hope that the school expelled some utter shit bag who took drugs into my children's school but then I've seen kids with drug induced psychosis so don't see it as a harmless recreational drug.

stayathomegardener · 09/03/2015 14:23

Depression and self harming in the past would make me want to fight to keep him at his current school where he is well liked and accepted.

Lurkingforanswers · 09/03/2015 14:29

Hi Blossom I Had to post as I think you're getting a hard time of it on here from some. I can't believe it's been suggested that your naïve when I think some of the posters giving you a hard time are. I don't have experience of having a teen yet but when I was back in the early 90's, drugs were rife in my school and out. I never touched drugs even though they were all around me as it's purely down to personality. As for anyone who thinks your funding his drug habbit, if he wants to smoke he'll find a way even if he doesn't get the money from you. I'm sure your dealing with this as best you can which is not an easy process as you can't have him at home 24 7. I hope the school give him a warning and it gives him a shock, best of luck with it all Flowers

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 09/03/2015 14:31

truly Sorry to hear about your DD. it is hard dealing with MH issues. DS suffers from lack of confidence self esteem and he over heard his dad saying things that a kid should never hear. XP tried to commit suicide and self harmed, I tried to shield DS from this but he is not stupid. He uses drugs as a way to cope or that is how he sees it. Not tried AD's but might be worth a try, counselling has finished I was not totally happy with the outcome if I am honest. I have a very angry bot on my hands today

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clam · 09/03/2015 14:36

Who/what is he angry about?