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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS has been excluded from school

205 replies

Blossomflowers · 09/03/2015 10:55

Had a call from the police on Friday pm, DS son was found with cannabis at school. They brought him home, searched his room and gave him a Caution, school has excluded him whilst they decide what to do. This sounds very bad but actually turns out he found the tiniest bit ( a stalk and not smokeable ) in a bag a school, happened to fall out of his pocket, he is an idiot for picking it up and is now grounded. But I am very about his future, he was doing so well and very well liked by his teachers, now he could be expelled. I kind of think that school over reacted, what do you guys think?

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossomflowers · 09/03/2015 12:25

andsmile when I was younger I smoked, but as you say the stuff they smoking now is a whole different ball game, it is vile smelling and very dangerous.
flabby yea I give him a tenner a day to buy drugs which we smoke together every night. don't be so daft ffs

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossomflowers · 09/03/2015 12:28

more good post.

OP posts:
andsmile · 09/03/2015 12:30

No zoom thats n ot what I said just point it out that it has the potential to be more dangerous that what we may have tried/used and that some might not be aware that some forms are more potent.

I agree with your last post zoom but is a life ruined too much of a risk to take. I think you can be forceful with a strong message - but true just like underage sex, if they gonna do it they will go off and do it.

morethan it is for some a gateway drug.

OP - is it fixed term exclusion or permanent?

SunnyBaudelaire · 09/03/2015 12:33

andsmile - for some people the alcopops their parents buy them are a 'gateway drug' for rampant alcohol abuse. Or is that OK then? btw over the years I have seen more people seriously fucked up/dead over alcohol than over drugs. Just a personal observations and the crowd I used to hang with would have put 'Trainspotting' to shame.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 09/03/2015 12:35

andsmile 3 days for sure, they are contacting me today to discuss, I am going to arrange to pick up some work he can do from home. I hoping they will allow him back and hope to get some support for him. He is very sorry and said he would really like to stop. He started smoking after I split with his dad, said it helps him relax, was a tough time for him. Sadly his dad allows him to smoke, I went mental when I found this out

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lem73 · 09/03/2015 12:39

Don't be so naive. You remind me of my mum when my brother was going through that phase. Luckily he didn't get caught but your ds has been so you need to wake up and smell the coffee.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 09/03/2015 12:41

lem How am I being naive. ?You sound very young to have an opinion about parenting teenagers.

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SunnyBaudelaire · 09/03/2015 12:43

u beat me to it blossom! How is she being 'naive' lem ,she has just said she is dealing with the situation and will be seeking support/ counselling / help for her son.

Ragwort · 09/03/2015 12:44

If your DS is excluded from school is there an obligation from the LEA (or whatever it is called these days) to provide an alternative school place?

SunnyBaudelaire · 09/03/2015 12:46

not for a fixed term exclusion which is what I supposed she meant. Is that right OP?
Normally an exclusion will be for eg three days and there will be a reintegration meeting on the first day back. At that point OP could make it clear she needs some support.

clam · 09/03/2015 12:47

Sorry, but I don't think that 3 days is long enough.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 09/03/2015 12:48

It's ok sunny some people just like to put the boot in. She clearly has not read anything I have written. I have just re read my original post and want to make it clear I do not blame the school for the suspension and agree 100^ they must take this seriously but think expelling him seems over the top, was kind of what I was asking. I was at the parents the night before ironically and every teacher saiu what a lovely boy he was. Should his future be ruined for one stupid mistake

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SunnyBaudelaire · 09/03/2015 12:52

well as we do not know the length of the suspension/fixed term exclusion, clam, that is by the by.

TJsWife · 09/03/2015 12:52

14! Shock and most of his peer group smoke weed and more ? i'd be looking at finding him another school far far away from this one asap. This is not normal.

Georgina1975 · 09/03/2015 12:53

Drugs are everywhere, but that does not mean that most young people have taken drugs. It is important not to normalise this behaviour (spoken as a former drug user BTW) and I know quite a few teenagers who would be pissed-off about assumptions being made about their (potential) drug use.

"In 2012, the prevalence of illegal drug use was at its lowest since 2001, when the current method of measurement was first used. 17 per cent of pupils had ever taken drugs, 12 per cent had taken them in the last year and 6 per cent in the last month".

Anyway: You have asked if the school over-reacted? I would say "no" from the perspective of the school regarding the exclusion. The reputational damage (including the "message" the school sends-out to students, parents and the wider community) would be too severe not to take this course of action. Your DC also needs a clear message about his drug use.

Regarding his possible expulsion. This depends on the school's disciplinary policy and drugs policy. I do not think they would be over-reacting to take this course of action, and - assuming you want to keep him in the school - you (and he) need to give them reasons to take the risk on your son. I guess, again, you need to find out about the process. It would be good if your son - in person or in writing - could advance a case as to why he should not be expelled. And it needs to be something better than "I am a nice lad and drugs aren't that bad and I only found it on the floor anyway". Namely, he needs acknowledge a mistake and commit to becoming drug-free (including tobacco).

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 09/03/2015 12:53

TJ sadly you are misinformed.

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Ragwort · 09/03/2015 12:55

But the 'stupid mistake' in your opinion was being caught with the drug, are you not more concerned that your 14 year old child is regularly smoking cannabis with his father's approval? Shock

Agree with TJ - I have a 14 year old DS myself and if this was him I would be voluntarily moving him to a new school.

Georgina1975 · 09/03/2015 12:58

From DrugScope too (these figures include 18+ up to 24): Drug usage is consistently higher for young people than for the whole population. For people aged 16-24, 2.5 million people (37.7%) had ever taken an illicit drug in their lifetime; 1.3 million (19.3%) had done so in the last year; and 700,000 people (11.1%) had done so in the last month.

So, no, the majority of under-18s have not taken illegal drugs.

GingerCuddleMonster · 09/03/2015 13:00

no according to some a 14 year old smoking weed is perfectly normal and acceptable, and if you ar aghast to such behaviour you are naive, it's just a silly little teenage growing up blip that will iron itself out, and the school should accept him back with open arms to continue his behaviour so he can hang with the cool kids, and introduce others to the woinderful world of harmless weed smoking.

When he's found at 18 snorting coke of a toilet seat in Yates wine bar that will just be a silly drunk mistake.

LoofahVanDross · 09/03/2015 13:01

Fingers crossed he will get a fixed term exclusion, be made to learn about the horrific effects these drugs have on people, and be allowed to return to school to carry on with his studies.

I would hope that at 14 they do not just sling him out.

clam · 09/03/2015 13:01

Was it a "stupid mistake," though? You've said he smokes it regularly, and with his father's approval. Having it in his pocket was presumably normal practice for him, not "just a mistake."

Where is the commitment to changing his behaviour, if all conversations previously have failed to change his stance. He reckons it relaxes him and that "everyone else does it." He obviousy doesn't think it's a big deal. Other than going through the motions of saying what he thinks the school wants to hear, what's altered?

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 09/03/2015 13:10

So what are you suggesting clam

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trulybadlydeeply · 09/03/2015 13:14

TBH I don't think the school were over reacting.

There should be a substance misuse service commissioned in your area for young people, that the school can refer him to, who will work with him and highlight the risks, long term consequences etc. If they can't/won't refer then the GP can. Has he seen the GP yet about his cannabis use?

Some professional input and support at this stage will reap huge benefits, and if the school see that he wants to change they will be far more understanding and supportive.

I would also question why his father is allowed any access when he facilitate this.

andsmile · 09/03/2015 13:15

blossom reguardless now what's done is done - think about what is best for your son (easy bit) and decided/how to do it (hard bit) - Fixed terms can go permanent. We did have a permanent at the last secondary school I taught at but this was for dealing. Each school is different there are sanctions that can be applied to subjectivity. They will take into account his general conduct and performance. Be supportive and proactive, ask about accessing some in school support services - they may have a community attached police officer, in school counsellors, youth workers - find out what they have.

Do you have another parent who you could talk to who has same concerns and might have experience with dealing with the school?

Prepare properly for the meeting with your information and written bullet points what you want to know/ ask about.

I would get your son to reflect on his actions (whatever they maybe - this is about going forward) possibly write a statement in support of his return about 'regrettable actions' and refer to school policy/rule - sorry to have broken it etc and his desire to continue to study, got out of his depth. But I think a guided conversation, this really needs to come from him.

So I guess moving forward:

  1. Deal with school meeting, get him back in - routines be firm don't 'lose it' He has tested a boundry here and stand firm.
  1. His father - do you want him witht his role model - do you need support from a family supoprt worker - re-consider access - this maybe a blessing in disguise it's forcing you all to re-evaluate
  1. Longer term - education and information about his drug use - is there a local service to access. Share your high aspirations for him, the praise you've heard and had for him on here - this persons future doesnt include .....
  1. Get some support for yourself - this is stressful for you - remember them teacher have dealth with this before you haven't and they probably have kids themselves who have tested them too.
IsabellaofFrance · 09/03/2015 13:16

You are naive OP. Naive to believe the fairy story your son told you all about how he picked up a stem and had absolutely no idea what it was, but he was interested enough to keep it.

The only way that could actually have happened is if normally he smokes skunk, which brings a whole new set of problems at your door OP.

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