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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS has been excluded from school

205 replies

Blossomflowers · 09/03/2015 10:55

Had a call from the police on Friday pm, DS son was found with cannabis at school. They brought him home, searched his room and gave him a Caution, school has excluded him whilst they decide what to do. This sounds very bad but actually turns out he found the tiniest bit ( a stalk and not smokeable ) in a bag a school, happened to fall out of his pocket, he is an idiot for picking it up and is now grounded. But I am very about his future, he was doing so well and very well liked by his teachers, now he could be expelled. I kind of think that school over reacted, what do you guys think?

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossomflowers · 09/03/2015 14:40

lurking Thanks, it is tough to deal with, especially on your own. We will get through this some people have been very helpful though

OP posts:
MsRainbow · 09/03/2015 14:59

Posted before I had finished-
I'm sure some people start smoking young and it doesn't affect them but
there is no way of knowing who will be one of them.
I don't know why my son was able to walk away from it, though I'm glad he did. We made it clear we would not tolerate him smoking (we told him he would be grounded, but he would still be going to school) and we went through all the risks. Ultimately it was his decision. One thing we did do was make be explicit about what he wanted from life, from school, from sixth form, after that and asked him how smoking cannabis could affect that.
I hope your son makes good choices and I hope his school is supportive.
One thing I did learn is that all though it is common now and our DCs say 'everyone does it' that is not true, lots of teens do choose to stay away from cannabis, and our DCs have that choice.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 09/03/2015 15:08

MsRain Glad your DS had the strength to walk away, hope my boy can do the same

OP posts:
thehumanjam · 09/03/2015 15:44

How do people know which schools have a drugs problem? It's not like the information is available on the league tables.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 09/03/2015 15:50

Update. Well spoke to DS head of year. said he did not know how long he will excluded, when I asked if he was to be expelled again he did not know. I also asked if DS can pick up books and catch up on work from home but no as this is part of the punishment. Umm don't really get that.

OP posts:
Lurkingforanswers · 09/03/2015 15:59

Blossom It doesn't sound like you're any the wiser after speaking to the school. I understand it's a big issue and the need to decide how they're going to deal with the matter but it really goes against the idea of working with parents. You've spoken to the school and you're taking an interest and I think they could've communicated with you better. I hope they're a bit more forth coming next week. It's tough being a parent but harder when you're a single parent making every decision on your own and dealing with the consequences of that. Chin up as there's not much you can do for the time being, I'd be putting DS to good use around the home so he isn't getting a free holiday.

clam · 09/03/2015 16:07

"How do people know which schools have a drugs problem?"

I know I was the one who alluded to this earlier, but I actually think it's not so much the schools who have the problem, but the pupils attending. I just had a chat with dd in the car on the way home from school (16 and in Y12) about it, actually, in light of this thread. Her instant response to what the school would do if someone was caught with drugs on the premises was "instant exclusion, no debate." But she then qualified it by saying that they might be allowed back after the frighteners had been put on, if they were a model student. She also said that " anyway, no-one would be stupid enough to do/have drugs on the premises as they know the consequences."
Outside school is another matter though. She said there was no discernible difference between her previous ("normal" comprehensive) school and her current ('posh' selective) one in terms of numbers of kids who dabble (in her experience, although she conceded that she's older now and goes to more parties), but there was absolutely no pressure on anyone to partake if they didn't want to. Dd has an underlying health condition that means she could be seriously adversely affected by taking drugs, so she has always steered clear, and says the few of her friends/acquaintances who do smoke (pot in this case) totally accept her stance. She says she's never seen or heard of anyone taking Ecstasy/cocaine/heavier duty stuff.

Not sure how relevant any of this is, or if it's a typical scenario across the board, but she appeared to be very well-informed and that the drugs education given in school has, in her case so far, seemed to have worked. Fingers crossed.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 09/03/2015 16:20

But Clam this is not about you and your perfect world, Your post again was patronising and unhelpful, get over yourself

OP posts:
clam · 09/03/2015 16:23

Fine. Good luck with it all then. Hmm

I was hoping to allay the fears of those on here who seem to think that all schools are drug dens and that our children are dodging pushers at every corner when they leave the house in the morning, which is not the case.

VinoTime · 09/03/2015 16:59

I'm ever so sorry OP, but this needs nipped in the butt pronto.

  1. I sure as hell would not be allowing DS anywhere near his father until a major attitude adjustment had been made by both parties. No decent parent just accepts their child doing drugs. He's a fucking moron for allowing it. I suspect it is very much a case of him wanting to play at being Disney dad after your split. But that needs to end. I think you really need to be coming down like a ton of damn bricks on the pair of them. That includes restricting access until your ex decides to act like a responsible, caring parent whose main concern in life is the health and well-being of his son. He does not sound like a good role model.
  1. DS gets no money whatsoever. If he needs anything, you buy it for him. But he gets given no cash in hand. At all.
  1. Grounded until he's 32 GrinWink
  1. Take away his phone, any game consoles, etc as punishment. He can earn them back.
  1. Contact your local police station and ask about any drug prevention classes they do in the local area. Basically what you want to know is if there is anything available in your area that will scare the shit out of him.
  1. Arrange a meeting with the school in which your son is going to grovel like he has never grovelled before. If he can prove to them that he is genuinely sorry and that he is determined to get himself set straight, they may show some leniency. They're going to want to hear it from him - not just you.
  1. Educate yourself on drug use and use the information as a weapon. I think you both need to get scared, and fast. Regardless of what anyone may think, cannabis is a gateway drug and there are a wealth of negative side effects to smoking it. Get Googling.
  1. Buy a testing kit - piss on a stick test every week until it comes back clear.

I personally believe that the school would be perfectly reasonable to expel him. Frankly, I find it quite refreshing to hear that schools are taking such a hard stance on this. But as a parent, I can also fully appreciate you wanting what's best for your son. Understandably, you want him to remain in school. Any parent would. Unfortunately for you, the school have hundreds of other students that they have a duty of care to. This isn't just about your son for them. Teenagers are often rebellious and easily led. It's the school's job to protect the rest of the student body from highly negative influences such as drugs- and your son has just landed himself right beneath that label.

Best of luck OP Flowers

stayathomegardener · 09/03/2015 17:38

Woah! Clam was answering the previous posters very valid question question.
I don't see how you can surmise Clams life is perfect either with a DD with a health condition [hmn]

TJsWife · 09/03/2015 17:54

OP how on earth did you read claim's post as patronising? you are really fixated on the idea every teenager is smoking dope and what not round the corner and at school. This simply isn't true, certainly not at 14.

Nobody is trying to be sanctimonious, people are trying to help you to see the wood from the trees by pointing out that this is not normal behaviour for that age group which you seem to have normalised from your posts. If you take it for what it is now you can put the brakes on it before it escalates any further.

Ragwort · 09/03/2015 17:59

I find Clam's post very helpful - I admit I am very naive about drugs (never been offered cannabis let alone had the opportunity to turn it down Grin) and for parents like me it is difficult to know how to have that sort of conversation with my teenage DS. Thank you Clam - some good suggestions on how to chat about drugs.

StaircaseAtTheUniversity · 09/03/2015 18:11

I feel like I've wandered into a parallel world here. I'm the lefty liberal hippy going in a lot of ways but it's a drug. It's illegal. He should be expelled for having it in school- absolutely no question!!!

bigbluebus · 09/03/2015 19:40

If they have excluded him they should have given you written notification of how long he has been excluded for - and details of your right to appeal. IIRC they should also supply work for the period of his exclusion. If they have not done either of those things then the school is breaking the rules.

clam · 09/03/2015 19:48

That's what I understood to be the case too, bigbluebus, but might it be different if it's a case of having found drugs? Is that appeal-able? The OP said she'd "accepted it." (the exclusion)

munchkinmaster · 09/03/2015 20:08

I'm a bit concerned he told you he wants to stop but can't.

Either he is lying

Or

He does have real problems with drugs, or depression, or self medicating etc.

That needs a different type of action from pure recreational use.

Hardline grounding etc but also help to address problem.

I don't think all teens smoking dope have an underlying problem but this one might.

stayathomegardener · 09/03/2015 20:20

Vinos post is great but the problem is your DS can't realistically be too apologetic for just finding drugs.
Nor can you admit to pissing on a stick until clear as that will undermine the finding of drugs story to school.

clam · 09/03/2015 20:30

I thought the OP said he had admitted having cannabis in his pocket. So hasn't it all moved on from the "just finding it on the floor" story? Or was it that he just admitted it to the OP, not to the school?

munchkinmaster · 09/03/2015 20:31

So maybe they come clean? School more likely to accept a 'guilty' plea and genuine contrition than a bit of an I just found them story.

Callooh · 09/03/2015 20:44

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lillypond123 · 09/03/2015 21:07

I'm so sorry that this has happened and I'm also so sorry people are being so judgemental about it on here. A LOT of teens experiment with cannabis, I know everyone at my school did and a lot of these mums being horrible to you on here probably don't know that their little angels are experimenting as well. Its not what any parent wants but its a part of being a teen for lots of young kids.
If I were you I'd get a meeting with the school ASAP, also contact education authorities or some kind of legal advice. Is there any way that you can perhaps see if they will allow him to leave the school voluntarily if it comes to that (which I really doubt it will). See if you can get advice from the police officers you spoke to, and an apology from your son will go so far with the school especially as he is a good student.
Dont worry too much even though thats hard to do, so many kids do stuff like this and turn out great. I know lots of my friends daughters who were suspended many times from school and got their act together at college and are now studying away at university, i hope your okay and this gives your son a bit of shock and helps him

YoureAllABunchOfBastards · 09/03/2015 21:27

Right, bollocks to the ins and outs here. The school cannot refuse to set work. They have an obligation to do so.

If they have excluded him for three days, was today the first day? If so he will have to return on Thursday. If they are going to permanently exclude, they need to make the decision and let you know. They will have to get it past a governor panel and you will have the right to appeal.

The LA will have to provide an alternative place - usually a PRU in the first instance. Transport for this should be paid.

If they don't give you an answer re: length of exclusion, contact the LA. Some schools bend the rules massively.

SunnyBaudelaire · 10/03/2015 08:36

How is it all going Blossom? Have the school decided on what they will do yet? I fear it may be expulsion...
Hang in there, we are here to support you, well some of us anyway.

hesterton · 10/03/2015 08:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.