15 year old going to get herself killed

[attheedge]

I have been married for 4 years, I have a 15 year old DD to my previous marriage and a 3 year old DD to my current husband.

My 15 year old is driving us all mad, she is rude, ignorant, bitchy and just horrible to live with. She has just been suspended from school and they are now deciding whether to permanently exclude her. Apparantly she was trespassing on the nearby university, something she and her friends do often and have been repeatedly warned about, this time however she was attacked by a German Shepherd guard dog. The dog?s handler said that she was throwing stones at it and that?s how it came so out of control and broke free from him, her and her friends have said that as soon as he saw them he shouted at them to get off the uni property, they shouted something back and he threw the dog?s lead to the floor allowing it to attack my DD biting her arm and wrecking her school bag. The security firm made a complaint to the school and the school believe their version of events over the kids. Personally I could not imagine my DD throwing stones at a dog, she is mad on animals and does voluntary work for the RSPCA!

Aside from this she is constantly in trouble at school, she is cheeky to the teachers, walks out of lessons, drew Nazi signs all over her German work and the final straw came when she caught someone stealing from her bag, she informed the school (apparently!) and they did nothing so she took herself down to the local police station and made a formal complaint, this resulted in the police turning up at the school and the teachers becoming livid.

She is constantly putting herself in danger, just a few months ago she told me she was staying at a friends house all night, turns out her friend had said the same to her mum and they had decided to ?live rough? for the night on the streets to ?see what it was like?. She did the same thing a few weeks ago only this time she travelled to a completely different city 200 miles away via train and told her accompanying friend that they had somewhere to stay when they got there?.obviously they didn?t and ended up on the streets again all night, she loved it, her friend was mortified as was his mother.

I now know she is smoking cannabis and taking speed, she is going out drinking 3-4 times a week coming in drunk early hours of the morning, trying to get her friends (and sometimes trick them) into doing stupid, dangerous things? what is wrong with her??

She lost her father unexpectedly 4 years ago and in that time I have re-married and had a baby, I know this is a lot for any teen/child to deal with but I?m worried about what will happen to her.

I posted on your other thread - sorry you gave no indication on there that your dd was so troubled...

Gosh, she sounds quite something - she must be quite brave going down the police station and making that complaint! She'll probably go far when she's older!

Tbh, I think she did absolutely the right thing in reporting the theft to the police. I think it stinks when schools feel that, when incidents happen on school premises, they should be treated more favourably than anything that happens on the street.

Where does she get the money from for drugs and drink? Have you spoken to social services or any drug counsellors? What about the school? They normally have some pastoral counsellors there. I know your dd may not cooperate but it's a start.

Much of what she is doing is attention-seeking. She lost her dad and you have found a new partner and have a new baby, so perhaps she's feeling a little left out - I'm sure you're not doing anything to make her feel this way, but it's the end result. I think I read elsewhere that your new dh doesn't get on with her and life is difficult. Could he not make more of an effort? After all he is an adult and she is still a child.

I think your daughter's behaviour is understandable (though not desirable) given what she has gone through in recent years. I would be particularly concerned about the sleeping rough though. Agree you need to look at where she is getting the money for drink and drugs.

Haven't read your other posts about her relationship with her step-dad and this is going to sound harsh but you and your dd were a family first - you husband needs to respect that and work at building a relationship with your dd. Your dd needs to know you are there for her and put her and her sister first...

Is she on birth control?

B/c if she isn't, I'd strongly consider getting her some.

I've seen your other thread re: your DD and DH fighting. How long a gap was there between her dad dying (suddenly?) and you taking up with your DH? I wonder whether that caused her some stress?

Any chance of getting her to have counselling, or the two of you getting counselling together?

A lot of this is normal 15-year-old behaviour, but a bit more so, iyswim ...

attheedge - having read your other thread too I think maybe your dh needs to step back abit from the little stuff. The time she spends in the shower and rows about music are little niggles that could be left. This bigger stuff needs addressing. She's pushing her boundaries just like they do when they're toddlers but if you're arguing over the little things too it just ends up a constant battle.

The school should have taken the theft more seriously and I can understand her being angry but OTOH she is going to get into trouble trespassing. My son got into trouble in this way because there was damage done and although he wasn't responsible he was seen on the premises.

Where does her money come from for the cannabis and the late night train rides. Is she earning herself or are you handing it over? If you're handing it over, then stop.

I think the best piece of advice I've taken from MN about teens is to pick your battles - don't fight about anything and everything.

Are you talking?

Admittidly I give her the money, at least I did when I thought it was just drink she was using it for. I knew her and her friend went to a pub in the city centre, a well known 'biker bar', the male family members have all told me THEY wouldnt dare go in there but personally I dont know what its like, she says its very friendly but I dont know, they were thrown out a few weeks ago as one of them fell into the DJ box through messing around.

The drugs she recently boastes about to me, she buys it from an actual dealer and has apparantly been in his house with her friend, I have no idea who this man is or how she met him. I have often wondered if she is suffering from some kind of mental illness, she seems to love putting herself in danger. She started a karate class a few months ago which doesn't finish until 9:30pm, the walk home is in a pretty rought area, she asked if DH would pick her up and he said no, she should walk and she went mad saying we're all prepared to see her getting killed yet she often walks through rough areas on her own for no reason at all, sometimes in silly hours of the morning so she obviously see's the danger with the karate walk home so why do it at other times for no reason?.

Why wouldn't your DH pick her up from Karate? I think there's more to it than what you have posted.

why can't you pick her up from Karate?

Does your dh do much for her? perhaps she feels excluded from your new family. It sounds like she is from your posts.

In fact it all sounds like a cry for help and attention...

Shame on your dh for letting a 15yr old walk home through a rough area. It is one thing for her to put herself in danger, it is another for her parents to.

Her dad died 4 yrs ago and your dd is 3 so you got together with your curent dh immediately after her dad died. I'd imagine that she is pretty upset by this fact, she needs councelling, fast. your attention was caught up with a new man and baby within a year of her losing her dad, how could you have any left for her?

15 is a horrible age anyway and she is desperately trying to get your attention. Stop giving her money and start spending time with her. Go to Karate lessons with her or do something that just you and her can do.

I think you need to think about the danger you are putting your dd in, tbh! How can you let your dh refuse her a lift? How would you live with your self if something happenedto her? She did the responsible thing by asking for a lift & she was told no! Perhaps she wonders through rough areas because she thinks no-one cares about her, I can see why she would think that!

Why wouldn't she take drugs? YOU give her money to drink under age, so what kind of message is that giving her? If she is allowed to go in bars, then why not a drug dealers house?

I am sorry, but there is no wonder she is rebelling! IMO, she is screaming out for help and attention!

This actually makes me feel ill. I did all your dd did at that age, with a lot less cause to rebel, and there is no way my parents would have refused me lifts home or encouraged a younger sibling to tell me off. its nasty

I think she's looking to you to lay down some rules - but really you're not doing that. I do know how hard it is, especially when they say they're going out whatever - you can stand in their way but not much else - but don't give her the money to do this to herself. She's getting mixed messages here - don't drink/do drugs but here's some money - don't go mixing with a rough crowd but walk home by yourself after dark.

Your dh needs to improve his behaviour - he's the grown-up, he needs to act that way and show her cares about her.

I feel for her actually, it sounds like she's crying out for help.

Rarely have I been so upset by a couple of threads on MN

Your child is being bullied in her own home - and you are just standing back from it all wringing your hands!

Poor child - she really lucked out on the parenting front didn't she

Sorry attheedge - it sounds like we're giving you loads of grief here. You're obviously worried about her else you wouldn't be posting but I really think the starting point is your dh's attitude.

Sit down with her and let her talk, tell her you will listen to what she has to say and when she's finished try to make a plan to improve things for her.

I agree with CCC - my dh would not let any of my adult female friends walk home late in the evening, let alone a 15 year old through a rough area! I'm really surprised by this... I haven't read the other threads, but it certainly sounds like she feels in need of attention. Perhaps you need to try to develop a special activity with her that just the two of you can do.

My view on the drug taking might be contraversial, but I think most people have experimented at one time or another. At the end of the day, people will find ways to access and pay for drugs if they want to and I think, as worrying as it is, all you can really do is make sure she is aware of the consequences by highlighting events in current affairs, like Leah Betts. She's obviously happy to tell you about the drugs, so, if it were me, I would encourage her to talk to you about what she is doing, drugs and all, so you can keep an eye on it in case the drug taking escalates.

If she were my dd, I would certainly cut back on the money I gave her. The drugs you mention are not the hardest ones out there and the hard ones are the expensive ones so cutting back on her allowance might help discourage her from trying the more expensive ones.

That's just it, soapy.

I haven't been 15 in a long time, I must admit.

BUT, I distinctly remember how trapped I was.

As a minor, she has NO other place to go unless she runs off.

She's acting this way b/c it sounds like hte only time she gets your undivided attention.

She's come to understand that your DH and his relationship comes first, your child by him comes next and she's somewhere out in left field.

I'd be pretty f*cked off w/that myself and believe you me, I'd be LONG GONE the second I turned 16.

Ever wonder about those people who don't speak to their parents?

Well, this is why.

PS - I don't mean to belittle the effects of cannibis or speed - I have known people who have developed psychosis from both and can imagine how worried you are, having seen my own mother go through something similar with my brother. But in the grand scheme of things, there are worse substances out there...

TBH, I think the starting point is your relationship with your dd. I don't think talking to your dh will work. He needs to see, and your dd certainly needs to see, that NOTHING is more important than your relationship with her. And they can both only see that by you demonstrating that it is the case.

And as I said on your other thread, I think you need some help to do that.

And not picking her up. How do you let that happen? Can YOU pick her up?

is this for real? If so then I think you need to look a lot closer to home to determine the reasons for your dd's behavior. Her dad dies and within a year you are not only remarried but have a baby as well? And where was your daughter in all this? Did you give any thought at all to giving her the time to grieve for her father before setting up your new family in her father's house?

And you tell her it's ok to drink by giving her the money to go drinking in a bar where even the male members of your family fear to go, by doing that you are giving her the message that she can do what she wants, and she does just that, because nobody cares enough about her to stop her doing it.

So she walks through rough areas in the early hours of the morning. Well that's as maybe,but if she asks for a lift, then the responsible/caring thing to do would be to give her one. And tbh corati might be just the thing she needs - there's a lot of evidence that marcial arts instils a lot of discipline.

Rarely do I become annoyed at posts on here, but this is certainly one of them. You and your dh need to have a long, hard look at yourselves, your daughter is 15 fgs, but you and your husband are the ones that need to grow up.hild

"Ever wonder about those people who don't speak to their parents?

Well, this is why"

spot on expat! Alot of damage was done to my relationship with my mum at 16, once she moved her much younger boyfriend in & started to berate my life & feelings. I haven't spoken to her since I left home at 18. (would have been sooner, but had no where to go)

Atheedge I hope things get better for you. its so hard to know which way to deal with it. You try the calm then end up screaming and shouting!
She has had to deal with loads. I think maybe some kind of councilling may be the answer, but how do you get her to it?
Good luck. Remember she is a good kid at heart and she loves you loads. x

i dont understand why you give her money. if she wants to get drugged up and shitfaced shouldnt she earn her own money?

shes putting herself in danger becuase she wants you to notice her.

maybe you should tell your dh to go out of a fri or sat evening and put the baby to bed and just have pizza and pop and a girly film. arrange to go get your eyebrows waxed or your nails done.

i think you have forgotten how tolove each other.

its very easy to hate your own teenager. its remembering that you loved them, your memories together, how fab they can be.

all this is no doubt compounded by your dh who probably wished your dd didn't exist.

all in all its about time you sent some firm messages

to your daughter - i love you and i will maketime for you. you are my first born and i love you.

to your dh.

she is my daughter and i love her above you. she is my child. i love my children above my husband. you will respect that if you understand it. therefore i would appreciate you helping me through this difficult time. As she is my daughter you will do everything you can to ensure her safety for my sake.

the thing that struck me most is your dh saying he wouldnt pick her up from karate.

karate - an excellent constructive medium she chose.

will he be happy when shes dead and your devestated.

will you be happy when she leaves at 16 pregnant and never speaking to you again.

come on. you love her. your the adult - make things happen.