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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

15 year old going to get herself killed

281 replies

attheedge · 23/10/2006 19:45

I have been married for 4 years, I have a 15 year old DD to my previous marriage and a 3 year old DD to my current husband.

My 15 year old is driving us all mad, she is rude, ignorant, bitchy and just horrible to live with. She has just been suspended from school and they are now deciding whether to permanently exclude her. Apparantly she was trespassing on the nearby university, something she and her friends do often and have been repeatedly warned about, this time however she was attacked by a German Shepherd guard dog. The dog?s handler said that she was throwing stones at it and that?s how it came so out of control and broke free from him, her and her friends have said that as soon as he saw them he shouted at them to get off the uni property, they shouted something back and he threw the dog?s lead to the floor allowing it to attack my DD biting her arm and wrecking her school bag. The security firm made a complaint to the school and the school believe their version of events over the kids. Personally I could not imagine my DD throwing stones at a dog, she is mad on animals and does voluntary work for the RSPCA!

Aside from this she is constantly in trouble at school, she is cheeky to the teachers, walks out of lessons, drew Nazi signs all over her German work and the final straw came when she caught someone stealing from her bag, she informed the school (apparently!) and they did nothing so she took herself down to the local police station and made a formal complaint, this resulted in the police turning up at the school and the teachers becoming livid.

She is constantly putting herself in danger, just a few months ago she told me she was staying at a friends house all night, turns out her friend had said the same to her mum and they had decided to ?live rough? for the night on the streets to ?see what it was like?. She did the same thing a few weeks ago only this time she travelled to a completely different city 200 miles away via train and told her accompanying friend that they had somewhere to stay when they got there?.obviously they didn?t and ended up on the streets again all night, she loved it, her friend was mortified as was his mother.

I now know she is smoking cannabis and taking speed, she is going out drinking 3-4 times a week coming in drunk early hours of the morning, trying to get her friends (and sometimes trick them) into doing stupid, dangerous things? what is wrong with her??

She lost her father unexpectedly 4 years ago and in that time I have re-married and had a baby, I know this is a lot for any teen/child to deal with but I?m worried about what will happen to her.

OP posts:
veraduckworthshandbag · 24/10/2006 17:55

rant at me all you like but unless this girl wakes up and smells the coffee shes dead in a gutter by 20.

webcrone · 24/10/2006 17:55

attheedge

I don't think this is a wind up at all. The patterns and the history you describe are far too consistent with the behaviour you're experiencing.

Instead of telling you what I would do, I'll tell you what I did, in a similar but not identical sitation, but first you need to consider the following:

  1. Are you prepared to stop trying to work out how you got to this situation and concentrate instead only on what's happening here and now as this is the only thing over which you have any control?
  1. Are you prepared to decide what you want and commit to making it happen? Are you prepared to find the strength and determination to stop this pattern of behaviour, which involves you all, continuing?
  1. Are you prepared to accept that it will not be easy and it will take time? Are you prepared to accept that you cannot change it all at once?
  1. Are you prepared to make your DD your priority, even if it rocks your marriage?

Let me know and I'll tell you more.

kimi · 24/10/2006 17:57

how did your DD get on with DH before you married?

zippitippitoes · 24/10/2006 17:58

I didn't think it was a wind up either

I can empathise entirely with difficult teens, divorce and a new partner

wannaBe1974 · 24/10/2006 17:59

erm ... veraduckworthshandbag you're not OP's dh per chance are you? because if you are you are a twat.

misdee · 24/10/2006 18:01

attheedge your lost post about the bedroom situation has made me cry. your poor poor dd1. turfed out of her bedroom for dd2. again your dh put his dd before her.

he should be very ashamed of himself. and you need to stick up for her some more.

wannaBe1974 · 24/10/2006 18:02

and no, I don't think it's a wind-up either. I think your situation is unfortunately all too common, although not always on that scale.

wannaBe1974 · 24/10/2006 18:04

agree with misdee. I think it's shameful that a supposed adult can behave in this manner.

You have the ability to do something about it though. Your dd is a child, yes times have been difficult for her, but you can help put them right. your dh is an adult, but he is behaving like a child. tbh if my dh treated a child of mine like this I would leave, but obviously it's not always that simple.

wannaBe1974 · 24/10/2006 18:06

and is it any wonder that she hates her little sister so much when she is so obviously the favourite and there is no place for her in her own home.

Piffle · 24/10/2006 18:07

Your daughter has been upended on so many things, she must feel at the bottom of the heap.
You need counselling urgently or her life masquerading as rebellion may spiral out of control.
Essentially she is lost, hurt and emotionally neglected by the family she needs to be there for her whatever. She is repaying you by lashing out and trying to hurt you. Getting your attention by hook or by crook.
Your DH needs to butt out, he has not got the skills even as a decent adult to be fair and calm about this.
You need to tell him, he either supports you 110% however necessary to get your dd back on track or he's out the door
End of.

kimi · 24/10/2006 18:07

sorry not read all (trying to cook dinner) but how could you leave a child with no heating in a bedroom in winter?

Is there no one your dd could stay with, and does your H know how much he is in favour of "his" child over your dd.

misdee · 24/10/2006 18:09

you said your dd turned voilent, i think you will find its your H who turns violent,. on this and other thread you have said he goes for your dd1.

you seem to put material possision (ie the house) and everyone else before you dd.

in my life my kids come equal, if not above, dh.

charlyp · 24/10/2006 18:09

Sorry but I think some people need to get some perspective, and there is a fair bit of ranting going on towards ATE which is pretty harsh.

Sure she does not seem to have handled things very well, and the DH in question doesn't sount very D, but alot of whats been posted here is not very constructive.

ATE, I think your daughter sounds like a fairly typical 15 year old in terms of her behaviour - I was a nightmare at 15, suspended, took drugs, had totally inappropriate boyfriends, disrespected my parents and generally made a real nuisance of myself - and my relationship with my Mum didn't improve until I was in my twenties, and I came from a very loving and supportive family (no death, divorce or money worries), so her behaviour is probably not as much of an issue as you think.

The real problem is the dynamic that exists between her and her step father which sounds very damaging both for her and for you. It does sound as if there is a serious lack of adult behaviour from him, and it seems from your posts that you are more concerned with how he feels that how she feels. In this instance she must be feeling very unsupported, out of place and unloved, which is no doubt influencing how she behaves.

I think you really need to try and address your husbands behaviour if you want to solve your problem, if he started treating her with abit more respect and not responding to her bad behaviour in such a negative way, rather responding to good behaviour positively it would certainly help your situation. This will be difficult for him as he doesn't love her, she is not his daughter and he must view her as a massive inconvenience. But if he loves you and his daughter he should be willing to make the effort to resolve your family issues for all your sakes. If you have a conversation with him and he is not prepared to do this you are faced with some pretty horrific choices, and I hope it doesn't come to that for you.

Good luck

oranges · 24/10/2006 18:13

Just found this - thought you may like it. good luck.

No Child of Mine

No child of mine will walk in darkness while I have to give,
No child of mine will need for love as long as I shall live;
No child of mine will live tomorrow in dreams of yesterday,
No child, no child of mine.

No child of mine will lift his head to see a blackened sky,
No child of mine will suffer thirst from rivers that run dry;
No child of mine to live in peace will find he has to die,
No child, no child of mine.

No child of mine will rise to hear a bird that's lost his song,
No child of mine will touch a flower to feel its freshness gone;
No child of mine will be forced to do what he believes is wrong,
No child, no child of mine.

This earth will be a garden for my child and all his dreams,
A growing space, a place where he is free,
The sun and moon will be his guide, the wind will sing his song,
And love will grow as it was meant to be.

Freckle · 24/10/2006 18:34

This whole sorry saga sounds like a modern version of Cinderella with your dh in the role of the wicked stepmother favouring her own children over her stepdaughter. The favouritism is so blatant that I'm surprised your dd1 is still there. Unfortunately, it's unlike that Prince Charming will come along to rescue her so it's up to you.

Perhaps you could show these threads to your dh. If he can see that the vast majority of people see his behaviour as childish, immature and totally unacceptable, he might be prepared to rethink how he treats your daughter.

gothicmama · 24/10/2006 18:39

ATE I have been thinking that your need to find approval in what you do may be linked to your dd's problems now please show her you can be strong and give her the love acceptance she needs please take her side when she needs support and give it without any thought for what it will cost/give you

FloatingHeadOnTheMed · 24/10/2006 19:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mascaraohara · 24/10/2006 19:45

She's welcome to come live with me.

I wouldn't let any man go for my daughter and that's for sure.

It's quite clear what your dd's problem is and that it is you and your husband quite frankly.

piglit · 24/10/2006 19:54

A number of your comments concern me. For example:

  1. "he went for her and she turned violent"
Your dh went for her - he started the violence. Can't you see that you have such a negative state of mind about her that when your dh, a grown man , attacks her you accuse her of being violent
  1. "the flat that me and her I shared when she was little..."

You make it sound like a couple of flat mates living together. This girl is your daughter, not a room mate or a friend or a sister. Your daughter.

ELF1981 · 24/10/2006 20:03

Attheedge - I haven't read the whole thread, but I've read your posts, think I got them all.
I'm 25, and remember being 15. I remember it being a confusing time, saying and doing things that came out wrong. I remember hurting my family. I remember my dad threatening to kick me out, to the point of packing my bags, organising for me to move in with my sister.
I remember being very confused.

Love your daughter. Hug her. Talk to her. Put her before her husband. Treat her equal to your other daughter. Tell her you love her.

We all rebel. But in the majority of time, all we require is unconditional love.

Pollybloodyanna · 24/10/2006 20:05

This is just so sad. I'm afraid I'd never let any man treat my daughter like this. I'm no psychologist but it is easy to see why she behaves like she does. She is still a little girl - your little girl - you really need (imo) to put a stop to your "d"h's behaviour towards her and put her first. I think as others have suggested it would be useful to have get some kind of counselling as a starting point.

I hope you can stop this spiral that you and your dd have got into, but unless you change the way your dh behaves (and how you back him up), I really can't see how you can do anything.

badkarma · 24/10/2006 20:31

Your poor dd

You clearly are a nutcase. And your dh is a total arsehole and a bullying bastard. I bet it makes him feel good to knock the confidence out of your 15yr old. What a fuckin shame on you, you loser, to let him make her feel like that!

And you say you are the first relationship he ever had at the age of 42 hah! I bet he had more..but they saw sense and walked away!!!!! I cannot believe you put an "Owned house" over a "council house" and even now, the feckin house isn't even yours, is it?? No I bet it's his!! and that is why you stay, why you let him treat your child the way we wouldn't let strangers treat our children.

Do me a favour? Go and put the poor kid in care or something, that way she has some kind of chance for a happy future, 'cos you, my friend, are a waste of space.

expatinscotland · 24/10/2006 21:11

I've decided to play EuroMillions on Friday.

If I win, I'd be happy to offer your daughter a place with heating to live in where I'd make sure some sad excuse for a man doesn't get a rise out of bullying a kid.

And to provide her w/the years of therapy she's going to need.

And even a spare bit of compassion and love that she doesn't appear to have got much of at home.

I've thought about this all day, about all the kids out there trapped in this situation.

It's really and .

LittleWonder · 24/10/2006 21:12

Here is your answer:

"so it became agreed amonsgt family members that she would go and live with my sister for a while, which she did and behaved perfectly the entire time. I had never got on with my sister and she swore blind that the reason DD behaved there was because she "bothered" with her, took her horseriding etc, all the things she knew I couldn't afford to do." these are your words and everything you need to know is written there. SEND HER TO YOUR SISTERS NOW!! she is right! She behaves when you bother. Instead of giving her money for drink and drugs, spend it on horseriding. and listen to the great advice you've had on here. I send big hugs and love to your DD, she sounds so sweet, cleaning your oven, working for the RSPCA, taking up karate, she is a darling, only you cannot see that. but your sister can. Please send her round there before it is too late. and then get help. quickly. your DH should be locked away in a very cold prison cell, like it or not, he is abusing her.

lulumama · 24/10/2006 21:18

little wonder

i didn;t read that bit....you have summed up the situation succintly, and the answers are all there, aren't they??

her aunt bothered with her, and her own mum can;t see that is what is missing,,,,,,,jesus wept...

so very bloody ....

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