15 year old going to get herself killed

[attheedge]

I have been married for 4 years, I have a 15 year old DD to my previous marriage and a 3 year old DD to my current husband.

My 15 year old is driving us all mad, she is rude, ignorant, bitchy and just horrible to live with. She has just been suspended from school and they are now deciding whether to permanently exclude her. Apparantly she was trespassing on the nearby university, something she and her friends do often and have been repeatedly warned about, this time however she was attacked by a German Shepherd guard dog. The dog?s handler said that she was throwing stones at it and that?s how it came so out of control and broke free from him, her and her friends have said that as soon as he saw them he shouted at them to get off the uni property, they shouted something back and he threw the dog?s lead to the floor allowing it to attack my DD biting her arm and wrecking her school bag. The security firm made a complaint to the school and the school believe their version of events over the kids. Personally I could not imagine my DD throwing stones at a dog, she is mad on animals and does voluntary work for the RSPCA!

Aside from this she is constantly in trouble at school, she is cheeky to the teachers, walks out of lessons, drew Nazi signs all over her German work and the final straw came when she caught someone stealing from her bag, she informed the school (apparently!) and they did nothing so she took herself down to the local police station and made a formal complaint, this resulted in the police turning up at the school and the teachers becoming livid.

She is constantly putting herself in danger, just a few months ago she told me she was staying at a friends house all night, turns out her friend had said the same to her mum and they had decided to ?live rough? for the night on the streets to ?see what it was like?. She did the same thing a few weeks ago only this time she travelled to a completely different city 200 miles away via train and told her accompanying friend that they had somewhere to stay when they got there?.obviously they didn?t and ended up on the streets again all night, she loved it, her friend was mortified as was his mother.

I now know she is smoking cannabis and taking speed, she is going out drinking 3-4 times a week coming in drunk early hours of the morning, trying to get her friends (and sometimes trick them) into doing stupid, dangerous things? what is wrong with her??

She lost her father unexpectedly 4 years ago and in that time I have re-married and had a baby, I know this is a lot for any teen/child to deal with but I?m worried about what will happen to her.

No, misdee, but this poor girl will do anything for attention.

That's almost never a good thing.

My heart really breaks for this girl.

The general consensus seems to be that attheedge should spend some time with her daughter. I think watching a dvd whilst dd2 is out with dh is a really good idea and a small way in which to start dealing constructively with your situation. If you can improve your relationship with your dd, perhaps family trips to the cinema might then be feasible.

Personally, I can't stand jackass either, but if that's what she wants to watch, I'd go with it. Presumably you want to change things or you wouldn't have posted on here, and that takes extra effort on both you and your daughter's part.

Callisto - ahemm!

Let's not lower our standards here

A lot of her behaviour sound really 'normal' for her age - regardless of any upset in her life. Being obnxious, not wnating to watch kiddies films, be seen with parentals in public etc is all totally normal for a teenager and shouldn't be blown out of proprotion into she is a nasty creature...she's just a 15yo!!

It does sound as if she has learnt not to trust you though ( sorry, feel harsh typing this) but you say you won't move house - then you move. You won't make her change schools - then you do. She can go see a metal band - then she can't/ Poor girl doesn't know if she is coming or going! You need to be consistent, stop fannying about, stop caving in under pressure from your dh and your family (FWIW at 15 me and a small group of girlfriends went to watch a gig, by coach, by ourselves, in Birmingham - from gloucester - it was a long haired guitar based band - we all survived...)

poor girl - she's still a child you know. Just because she's 15, doesn't mean she has suddenly morphed into someone who doesn't need to be loved.

Everything she is doing and saying is a cry for attention.

Sorry Soapy, just so angry about this.

Sorry Soapy, just so angry about this.

Me too - Callisto - a lot of posts being scrubbed just before I press the send button

Shit stirrer was the wrong word to use, I'm sorry. My family always used to refer to her as such, she just used to love seeing people arguing or other kids getting into trouble. Beleieve it or not she was very spoilt as a child and still is, when we were living on our own I would spend my last £ to buy her a mazagine she wanted. Now if she decides she doesnt want what we're eating she gets money for a takeaway for herself, she gets money for DVD's, clothes and anything else she wants.

I do feel very upset reading this thread, I know I've been shit and she's been through a lot but what you're all saying doesnt come naturally to me. I have never been a sporty person, if I took up karate I would most likely break my neck and the idea of me going would probably mortify her anyway.

I know I should spend time with her but the last time we went shopping together we ended up arguing because I wouldn't take her in a pub.

I was really upset when DD2 was born..when she was about a year old DD1 asked if she could take her out to the shops or to the park, my mother said she would never trust her with DD2 and I would be mad to let her so I never did and DD1 has been horrible to her ever since.

I know I have messed up but its really not as easy as getting in a DVd and watching it with her, I think she hates me and DH is constaly in the background moaning. When me and DD1 have a row she will usually come and apologise and DH then starts on saying "yeah she gets around you with the water works and the "sorry mum (said in a whingy voice)". it really is non stop with all of them and I dont know which way to turn. I'm sorry you think im a bitch but Im here to get help.

Probably can't add much more to this thread other than an opinion. I feel for your whole family because it sounds like you want everything to be better, but it does sound like your dd has had quite a rough time of it through her life: divorce, death, moving schools, new family to compete with (where she feels an outsider) and on top of this an expectation that she should have simply known to behave differently throughout it all. WHY???? Where is her stability? Who has taught her to deal with these sorts of problems? Who of any of us (let alone a small child/young teenager) knows how to handle all of these things? Honestly, you need to step back and TRY to look at your daughter with some OBJECTIVITY. V. hard I know, but bear in mind that she must feel that alot of her life has been out of her control, since she was VERY LITTLE.

Get to social services NOW.

Get to Relate NOW.

As for your DH, he's a twat.

Did anyone take on board the fact that attheedge was talking about spending some one-on-one time with her dd which seems to have been overlooked. Whatever people think of her parenting and/or priorities (which I certainly don't agree with myself), she might stand a better chance of improving her family relationships if she was given a few constructive suggestions on how to deal with the situation and encouragement, rather than a lot of negative feedback. I assume that she posted on here for help of some description. The op suggests that she is worried about her dd, not having a moan about how difficult she is...

You need to get some counselling as a family. Leave DD2 at her grandparents and you, dd1 and dh go alone. It sounds like dh resents dd1 and no wonder she's reacting the way she does. This is a child who thinks she's an adult crying out for love and attention. The most pertinent thing we teach our children when they're small is the ability to love. Do you ever tell her that you love her, hug her kiss her. Regardless of whether you'll get a good reaction or not. This is what she needs to hear. She needs constant re-assurance, groundrules. You said you think she's taking drugs, yet you thought nothing of giving her money for drinks. Don't let your daughter become a statistic - drug addict, pregnant child, rape victim. Act now. Stop thinking of her as a problem and remember she's a child that needs the love she so desperately craves.

There is so much conflict in your situation. You have to decide who comes first in your life. Dh or dd. If it's dd then you have to learn to stand up to dh and tell him to butt right out of things with your dd. He's the main problem in all of this from what I understand.

If your priority is dh then ,as a poster on the other thread said, perhaps you should look at other options for dd. It's a shocking thing to say but I don't see any other way out unless you put her first and stand up to her bullying manipulative, whinging step father. And it will only get worse.

and if she thinks you chose him over her
You'll be out of luck with her for a lifetime.

attheedge you are right it won't be a simple as just watching a DVD with her ( even if you do manage to grit your teeth through a jackass dvd!) but at least that will be a start...

I really think you need to have a chat with your DH - as Piffle and others have suggested - and lay down some ground rules, for you both (but mainly for him ) on how you will behave around your dd. For example: that he should not react to her teenage tauntings by having a teenage tantrum himslef, but ignore them (and in doing so, deflate them).
That she is as much part of the marriage as you are and as your 3yo dd is...you are a family unit, that you don't want her to move out when she is 16, so he cannot tell he that she has to etc etc

If you are truly looking to resolve this situation I suggest you print off these threads and re read them very carefully.

You are very contradictory in the way you treat her. For example, one minute you give her money to go to the pub, the next you wont go in a pub with her.. She is 15 and very confused about your relationship.

Is it possible she can earn her money by doing chores around the house (preferably not your DHs ironing)?

Why do you take so much notice of your DH and mum? You seem to have a grasp on what you need to be doing, then they say one thing and it all goes to pot again.

Sit down and talk to her, for her sake.

I agree with Ali that your dd1 needs to know that you are on her side, and that nothing she says or does can change the fact that you love her (even if you HATE her behaviour sometimes and worry about choices that she is making). You also need to make this really clear to dh. I would suggest that you ask him to imagine your 3yr old dd at 15 years acting out (which could happen!), and ask him if he would in all honesty ever consider threatening to throw her out. Is it one rule for your first daughter and another one for his own child?

We tried the jobs for money but they were never upto DH's standads. I was always very soft on her and as she was growing up I did EVERYTHING for her, even put her toothpaste on her brush for her when she was 10 years old! so she doesnt have a clue about how to do household chores, another one of my failings.

She would do the washing up but wouldnt wipe the side down, when he told her to wipe the side down she did but didnt dry it, when he moaned about that she turned around and said "do it yourself" and threw the cloth at him. so that was that one gone.

She washed his car for him, came in freezing and then he moaned because it was streaky, its all more hassle than its worth. The last straw came when she did the washing up for some money and when she'd done it he said she should be doing jobs around the house anyway without being paid and didnt give her anything (I did before anyone asks!) and she never lifted a finger again (apart from one time she cleaned the over for no reason at all still confused about that one.

I know half of the problem is him.

I think more like 50% of the problem is him.

Another 30% is YOU, and you need to own that if you're going to get any where w/it.

sorry I know he's your DH but FFS - u should tell him to treat both girls the same or not at all - it's out of order and I do care who u are to treat 2 girls so totally different - I don't see a problem with DD - and tbh i'd have been the exact same - does your DH not realise to get the respect from her he has to show some to her first - starting with not being so bloody controllling and if u ask me manipulative.

this whole thing has me v she's acting up for attention she's shoutiong out what about me and no one's listening to her - your too busy with DD2 and DH just isn't intrested period. it's about time u told your DH some home truths and got this all out - he's out of order if u ask me, and u should take some time to have u and DD one on one at least once a week - leave DH with DD2 if u really must - and no it's not much to ask for u to spend time wiht your DH when he's home from work - but u shouldn't abanodn your DD1 at every oppertunity, she needs u to stand up to DH for her not to just say oh ok then.

fwiw - yes your DD might be a bit acting out but seriously what do u expect?

cleaned the over for no reason at all still confused about that one.

she is a confused hurting young girl....being told she'll get pocket money for chores,,then DH saying not! she cleaned the oven to try and show willing. to try and be a part of the family. to prove she is not just doing it for the money.

i have read these threads- am alternately & very

a lot of what i would have said has been said, probably a lot better too!

Expat especially has given some no nonsense advice...that i for one would follow...

you are contradicting yourself left right & centre....and giving mixed message..so this girl does not know where she is heading or who to rely on....

so very very sad....