15 year old going to get herself killed

[attheedge]

I have been married for 4 years, I have a 15 year old DD to my previous marriage and a 3 year old DD to my current husband.

My 15 year old is driving us all mad, she is rude, ignorant, bitchy and just horrible to live with. She has just been suspended from school and they are now deciding whether to permanently exclude her. Apparantly she was trespassing on the nearby university, something she and her friends do often and have been repeatedly warned about, this time however she was attacked by a German Shepherd guard dog. The dog?s handler said that she was throwing stones at it and that?s how it came so out of control and broke free from him, her and her friends have said that as soon as he saw them he shouted at them to get off the uni property, they shouted something back and he threw the dog?s lead to the floor allowing it to attack my DD biting her arm and wrecking her school bag. The security firm made a complaint to the school and the school believe their version of events over the kids. Personally I could not imagine my DD throwing stones at a dog, she is mad on animals and does voluntary work for the RSPCA!

Aside from this she is constantly in trouble at school, she is cheeky to the teachers, walks out of lessons, drew Nazi signs all over her German work and the final straw came when she caught someone stealing from her bag, she informed the school (apparently!) and they did nothing so she took herself down to the local police station and made a formal complaint, this resulted in the police turning up at the school and the teachers becoming livid.

She is constantly putting herself in danger, just a few months ago she told me she was staying at a friends house all night, turns out her friend had said the same to her mum and they had decided to ?live rough? for the night on the streets to ?see what it was like?. She did the same thing a few weeks ago only this time she travelled to a completely different city 200 miles away via train and told her accompanying friend that they had somewhere to stay when they got there?.obviously they didn?t and ended up on the streets again all night, she loved it, her friend was mortified as was his mother.

I now know she is smoking cannabis and taking speed, she is going out drinking 3-4 times a week coming in drunk early hours of the morning, trying to get her friends (and sometimes trick them) into doing stupid, dangerous things? what is wrong with her??

She lost her father unexpectedly 4 years ago and in that time I have re-married and had a baby, I know this is a lot for any teen/child to deal with but I?m worried about what will happen to her.

You can't really do anything about his behaviour, other than tell him that his constant moaning makes him seem like a teenager. At this point it does not sound like DH is capable of "fathering" dd and she doesn't want that anyway. Maybe you need to take the responsibility for your daughter on to your own shoulders for the time-being. Tell your dh that your daughter is not going to be kicked out, that threats like that make the situation more volatile.

Tell you dh that your dd is PART OF YOU and that he can't have one without the other, no matter how difficult she is. Tell him that you love him, but asking you to kick out your daughter at the most difficult time in her life is like asking you to cut off a limb to prove that you love him. You gave birth to her, she might be a nightmare right now (and you need to get some kind of counselling for her, and to deal with some of the alcohol and drug issues), but he is putting you in an impossible situation, and I think that you might feel better about dealing with it if you take charge and tell him that you refuse to continue dealing with her in this counterproductive way.

I bet the first time your dh washed a car it was streaky as well
First tiem ds washed our car he dropped the sponge in the gravel and then rubbed the car with it!!! So we showed him the proper way in order to get his dosh - lead by example
Firm, consistent and calm - unconditional love.
That'll teach her more to face the outside wortld with, if she feels unloved, she will be attracted to men who pick on vulnerable girls.
please dow aht yo can if only to protect her from that. Give her some self worth - help her find it again

and ask yourself this if it came to it now - who would u pick - DH or DD1??

in no uncertain terms each time i'd pick my son he's before my DH and DH knows it - same for him - DS is b4 me. the fact it's a SD is irrelanvnat in my eyes, this is YOUR child we're on about here.

if things don't buck up seriously how would u feel if u never heard/spoke to your DD again cos that's what's gonna happen.

She has already answered that on one of the threads!

She asked why she should lose another husband over her DD, as this would make 3 marriages she's had!

She has made it perfectly clear that she would choose her DH, 1st, 2nd and 3rd time over her DD1!

right, I'm back and have calmed down a bit.

How do you feel about your dh when you see him behaving so badly towards your dd??

Your dd is at an age now where I don't think their relationship will ever be resolved so you need to concentrate on your relationship with her which can be if you start to actually listen to her.

Cleaning worktops badly, streaky cars? What the hell (sorry getting cross again) difference does that make? How important are these things? Worth ruining a relationship??

My ds spilt flour on the kitchen floor today. so f*?

You need to sit down somewhere with your dd and talk plainly. Tell her initially that things aren't right between you, that you love her and are scared of losing her. Tell her you are prepared to listen to her now and she should feel free to say anything that bothers her. She will piss you off, get emotional and angry. Ignore it and remain calm. Tell her you understand. She will calm down and talk to you properly (can you tell I've been through this with my own mother, but the other way round). LISTEN TO HER. Tell her things will change.

There are so many posts on here you may not even see this but I'll be thinking of you and your dd for a long time to come.

then all I can say is the poor girl doesn't stand a chance - and beleive me I went off the rails big style at 14-17 didn't have step paretns no, dad didn't die no but if it wasn't for the persistance, love support and respect of my parents i'd have beena gonna for sure. also counciling, mum and I would have a chat/coffee after my session and i'd tell her about it -i'm sure a lot of the stuff I told her about my feelings hurt her like hell, but at the end of the day we're stronger for it, and the most important thing of all. she NEVER and I mean NEVER gave up, never threatend to kick me out always showed support and guidance. most importantly a self worth and respect. bout time your DH learnt to do that.

oh attheedge, i think your daughter sounds a very unhappy, sad, little girl with a good dollop of spoilt brat chucked in for good measure.

I feel so sorry for you all, i can understand your DH feeling so p*ssed off with her.

Not helpful i know but if she were my child i would either dump her on the doorstep of the local social services, give her a slap, or pray for the day shes 16 and hope she does leave home, then wash your hands of her.

HOPE that you are joking .

so, you love your husband more than your dd. Wow. So fastfarward your life another 13 years when your dd2 is also at this objectionable stage, because most teenagers go there, your dd1 has moved on and you have no idea where she is because you have disowned her because some bloke drove her away. Now imagine your dd2 being like your dd1, and your husband's reaction to her. Yes she may be his child, but his current form shows he has no idea or people skills, so chances are the volatile relationship will happen between him and your dd2 as well. so when she is 16 she will move out as well, and all you will have to show for it is your twat of a husband.

Well I hope you two will be very happy together. I hope you will be very happy together, just remember what goes around comes around. if your h (and I refuse to insert the letter d in front of that) drives your dds away, it will be more your fault than his because you will have done nothing to prevent it.

you don't deserve to have children.

No decent man would ever put you in the situation of having to choose.

phan - think vera's a troll - 2 posts only one was that one - perhaps is the OP posting to try and justify her points?

To be honest I wish I'd never posted.

I never said I would choose my DH over her, my words have been twisted. What I said was I would hate for yet another marriage to go down the pan when there is a chance we can sort this out.

Yes DH needs to grow up and change his ways towards her, any advice on helping him do this?

Yes DD needs to change her dangerous behaviour, I will try and spend more quality time with her, I will stop giving her money for drink but what do I do when she goes out anyway?

I want her to continue her activities but I can't afford endless taxi's and I dont drive, I can't magic money out of nowhere.

I don't know what else I can say, apart from kicking DH out which I can't do as it's his house...what would YOU do in this situation? I can I put things right without walking out and making us homeless?

It doesn't sound as if this poor child has ever known unconditional love.
The fact that she has so much goodness in her, is still trying so hard to get it right and be loved, is absolutely heartbreaking.
Perhaps if you showed a bit of backbone, and stood up for your dd and yourself, it would break the pattern you seem to have had throughout 3 marriages and you would actually gain more than you think you would lose?

Yes DH needs to grow up and change his ways towards her, any advice on helping him do this

nothing to be done if he doesn;t accept he is part of the problem

family `& individual counselling

If your dh won't consider family counseling, would you consider counselling for yourself?
It sounds as though you have very low self esteem and little faith in yourself.
If your dh won't grow up and change his ways then you are going to have to stand firm against him, and maybe counselling would help you do that.

Yeah, a troll and moronic - what a solution! Wipe hands of daughter; reject her and send her out into big bad world, aged 16 with no job, no money, a drug and alcohol habit. Make sure you slap her first, though - just for dramatic effect. Then (obviously) send her to social services cos it's their responsibility????!!!!?????!!!

Sorry, am getting myself all wound up now, need to go give DS a huge hug, make him some tea and forget about this thread.

Yep, Im off too.

Rant was at Vera.Do hope that OP can sort it out though. I'm gone.

people are giving suggestions - be consistent with your daughter - if you tell her she can do something, stick to it, no matter what dh or your mum say. Accept that children will do household jobs badly - cars will be streaky, washed up plates will me smudgy - teach her, nicely, how to do it better next time. Do not let your dh undermine her in front of dd2 - she did try to build a relationship with her step sister by asking to take her to the park,. Try to get that back. Tell dh, as nicely as you can, that you have no intention of throwing her out at 16, so if he wants a pleasant home, he will have to build a relationship with her. It is not HIS house - it belongs to all of you as a family. Please, just be a parent for a while - make sacrifices, learn to drive, give your daughter a chance to gain some confidence and have a decent start in life. please.

you sit your dh down and you have a long chat with him along these lines...

"The way you behave towards my daughter is unacceptable. yes she is a teenager, but there are two children in this house, my daughter, and our dd2. they will be treated equally as they are both my children. When you married me you knew that I had a child, and I therefore expect you to treat that child equally to your own. She is trying to do some good in her life, she wants to do corati, and that is a good thing to be involved in and keeps her off the streets three nights a week. As you know I don't drive, I would appreciate it if you picked her up from corati. Maybe you and her could then stop off for a pizza/mcDonalds and spend a bit of time together and get to know each other as human beings and not arch enemies. If you continue acting like a child towards her I can't see much future in this relationship."

And it might be his house, but as his wife you're entitled to half of it if you end the marriage, but let's not anticipate that just yet.

Then you have a similar discussion with your dd:

"I know you and x don't see eye to eye, know there is fault on both sides and I have spoken to him, he will now pick you up from corati, and once a week will take you out for a treat, mcDonalds/pizza/bowling so you two can get to know each other a bit better on nutral ground. I've spoken to him, but I expect you to do your bit as well. From now on there will be no pocket money for drink/drugs, you will be home by 9:00 on school nights and 10:00 on weekends. You are 15, I know you want to be out tut the streets are no place for a girl your age late at night. At the weekend we'll go shopping or to the cinema, something that you would like to do and just spend some time together. We'll give it a trial period, and after 3 months we'll review the money/kerfue, but you have to show me that you can be trusted and can act maturely and responsibly. Trust has to be earned, and on recent form you have not earned that trust. You are my daughter and I love you and will always be here for you. DD2 is your little sister, and I understand that young children can be difficult sometimes, but it's not for ever, she will grow up, and as her big sister she will look to you to set her a good example."

then stick to all of it.

No im not joking, i think there comes a point when enough is enough

I've just read this thread (not the other refferred to) through in one go..

and I think the one thing you need to start, and finish with is getting your dd to know that you love her whatever, that is the backbone of caring for teenage children. They can call you when things go wrong and you will turn up to fetch them from the roughest part of twon where they've gone for drugs, a bouyfriend or whatever in the middle of the night. You are the solid one who can be relied on, they are the vulnerable learners.

You obviously need some help to get there. I think you need counselling to find that love and that self esteem to give you the strength and confidence to get her back on track.

A lot of the things you mention are so petty forget them and tell yoiur dh to forget them too. She is an outsider in the family, make it your goal to bring her in. Ask her why she likes the biker pub, ask her to pick a few dvds she thinks are good and tell you why she does, and choose the one that sounds the least awful. Tell her whatever happens you will always be there for her and perhaps you will over time come to believe it yourself. Start behaving like she is a daughter you love and maybe the feelings will follow.

looking at the whole thread its clear this girl has always been trouble but we all want to be pc and form a hugging club, when what she REALLY needs is a kick up the bum.

she isn't "this girl"

and no one is "always trouble"

there are grown ups involved who need to take their responsibilities seriously and the op is doing that a bit by posting

I actually feel terrible now There was an argument last year over DD1's bedroom, we had the main bedroom, she had the 2nd bedroom and the third was originally a bathroom but when DD2 was ready for her own room we got it converted into a 3rd bedroom and had an extension built for the bathroom. The new bedroom was smaller, down 2 steps, had the old bathroom 'flowered' window so you couldnt see out of it and no heating. This was meant to be DD2's bedroom, we were going to put a new heater in and know she wouldnt be bothered about the rest. Anyway DH decided that DD1 would be better off in this room as the steps would be quite dangerous for a 3 year old, I knew she would be livid and told him so, he convinced me that that room was bigger, the window would be changed and heating put in straight away so we told DD1 the plan, she refused, we talked her into it. She had been in there for months with no heating (this was winter), no proper window and the room was blatently smaller. She stuck a note on her door saying that the room was off limits to human beings as the temperature was too cold, I told DH that she was getting pissed off (rightly so) and he kept saying we didnt have the money to start messing around putting new heating in etc. In the end she came storming down one night screaming that she was ffing freezing, the room was a shit hole and she wanted her old bedroom back, DH went mad and started shouting at her and she stormed off crying, slammed the glass living room door and it shattered almost showering DD2 with glass. DH went for her, she turned violent and DH went outside and punched the wall, she then disapeared out of her window and didnt turn up until the next day.

I know what you all think of me but its so confusing when everyone keeps telling me how awful she is, ever since she was 5 years old people have gone on about her. I never seem to get anything right in anything I do, the flat me and her shared when the divorce was going through was damp, no heating and totally unsuitable for a child, the 2nd one was no better, everyone was telling me she was being brought up appallingly and when I got with DH and we had the house I thought now they will see how well we've done and then it all turned sour again.

I'm going to have to have a good think about everything, thanks for taking the time, whether you think I'm messing around or not you have made me think about it properly.