15 year old going to get herself killed

[attheedge]

I have been married for 4 years, I have a 15 year old DD to my previous marriage and a 3 year old DD to my current husband.

My 15 year old is driving us all mad, she is rude, ignorant, bitchy and just horrible to live with. She has just been suspended from school and they are now deciding whether to permanently exclude her. Apparantly she was trespassing on the nearby university, something she and her friends do often and have been repeatedly warned about, this time however she was attacked by a German Shepherd guard dog. The dog?s handler said that she was throwing stones at it and that?s how it came so out of control and broke free from him, her and her friends have said that as soon as he saw them he shouted at them to get off the uni property, they shouted something back and he threw the dog?s lead to the floor allowing it to attack my DD biting her arm and wrecking her school bag. The security firm made a complaint to the school and the school believe their version of events over the kids. Personally I could not imagine my DD throwing stones at a dog, she is mad on animals and does voluntary work for the RSPCA!

Aside from this she is constantly in trouble at school, she is cheeky to the teachers, walks out of lessons, drew Nazi signs all over her German work and the final straw came when she caught someone stealing from her bag, she informed the school (apparently!) and they did nothing so she took herself down to the local police station and made a formal complaint, this resulted in the police turning up at the school and the teachers becoming livid.

She is constantly putting herself in danger, just a few months ago she told me she was staying at a friends house all night, turns out her friend had said the same to her mum and they had decided to ?live rough? for the night on the streets to ?see what it was like?. She did the same thing a few weeks ago only this time she travelled to a completely different city 200 miles away via train and told her accompanying friend that they had somewhere to stay when they got there?.obviously they didn?t and ended up on the streets again all night, she loved it, her friend was mortified as was his mother.

I now know she is smoking cannabis and taking speed, she is going out drinking 3-4 times a week coming in drunk early hours of the morning, trying to get her friends (and sometimes trick them) into doing stupid, dangerous things? what is wrong with her??

She lost her father unexpectedly 4 years ago and in that time I have re-married and had a baby, I know this is a lot for any teen/child to deal with but I?m worried about what will happen to her.

oh so dd2 gets a cinema trip and she gets a dvd. she is going to think your are favouring dd2 again. i;d be pssed off if my parents did that to me.

how about a family trip to tyhe cinema and a meal afterwards?

link to the other thread for those getting confused!

I feel like crying after having read your last long post.

You went on holiday without her?? I know a lot of 15 yr olds would rather not go on hols with parents, but in this particular situation it screams 'NOT WANTED'.

OK, so she might need a few lifts (one or two a week it sounds like). Is that so bad???? I know your new ds works long hours, but when he married you, he accepted your dd too. Fuck him if he's tired, it's one night a bloody week!!!! To do something constructive like karate!!!!

She needs love, and attention, that's it!!!! You are in serious danger here of losing her completely if you don't

CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOUR!!!!!!!

I know you are finding her difficult, but PLEASE do something about this. You will BOTH benefit!!!

So what if a 15yo boy would have been safe walking home by himself? What was so terrible about your dd expecting her step-dad to give him a lift when they were going that way anyway? It really sounds as though your dd can do absolutely nothing that your dh would approve of or support.

Of course, she's irritating and bolshy and difficult. She's a 15 yo. It's their job and they are genetically programmed to be that way.

You should be taking charge of making sure she gets through these difficult and angst-ridden years, not standing by whilst her step-father makes her feel so unwanted and worthless that she risks her life walking in rough areas just to get you to acknowledge her and say you love her.

I think she's very lucky to have a grandmother who cares and your current ILs sound about as sensitive and helpful as your dh.

you also talked about her love of animals, she is capable of showing love!

You are incapable of showing love.

My parents told me when I was a wild teenager that, no matter where I was, no matter what state I was in , that if I was in trouble that they would go to the ends of the earth to get me.
Your daughter had to ask a karate teacher to ring to ask her stepdad to collect her when she was hurt. FFS how is the girl supposed to have any self esteem? How much value do you place on her and wtf does your dh think by telling her she has to leave when she is 16.

This all rankles with me as my gorgeous dss(17) lives with us because his mums dp hates him. I have seen first hand the pain that that child has been in as his mother has chosen a man over him. I have held him as he sobbed and do you know what he may never recover.
And he has me and his father to love and support him. Your dd has no one

'15 yo going to get herself killed'

Yeah, that about sums out exactly how she might end up.

This has to be one of hte saddest threads I've ever read on here.

I can only imagine how lonely, unloved and isolated this girl has felt growing up.

I'd say she's done pretty well so far.

A lot of girls growing up under such circumstances would already be far, far worse.

Or dead.

i have a cousin. treated like shit by her parents for years. they favoured the other 2 children at home. made it perfectly clear they didnt like her. we qall said 'as soon as she turns 18 and has finished college she will go'. she turned 18 on a family holiday. within a week of being home, she left. didnt tell a soul where she went.

and iwas so f*cking proud of her for walkign out of a shit situation and getting her life back.

if your dd does leave and doesnt speak to you it'll be your own fault and i will give her a round of applause and some pointers on the way if i ever meet her.

I've got to go now, but I feel physically sick.

Please take on board what people have said on here. Try it, even for a week to see the difference in your daughter.

She is supposed to mean more to you than you dh.

It doesn't seem that way to her and to us on here.

If we all went to the cinema there would be a row about which film we went to see, she wouldn't sit through a kids film for example and I couldn't expect DD2 to sit through "Saw 3" for example.

I do try, I know you all think I don't give a shit but I do. For instance I knew a band she liked was coming to our town, I also knew her friends were going and her cousin but for some reason she never asked if she could go so for a suprise I went and bought her a ticket to go and she was estatic and really enjoyed herself.

A few months ago a big heavy metal band was toruing England and her penpal (who lives 200 miles away in Newcastle) had two tickets and asked if she would go, I said she could and then got slagged off by all the family (especially my mother) for being so 'careless' and so ended up saying she couldnt go afterall and she was gutted. It just seems that I mess everything up no matter what I do.

She doesnt make "girl" friends, all her friends are boys for some reason, including the penpal which is why I didnt let her go in the end. Plus knowing her she would've ended up sleeping on the streets.

Attheedge, do you love your daughter? If anyone treated my daughter the way yours has been treated by your husband I would kill them. Why do you resent her so much? Why can you not see that she is desperate for your love, understanding and time? You blame her for everything. Was she a 'mistake' baby? I have found both of the threads deeply upsetting and if you have even the slightest compassion for your daughter you need to help her now.

in fact I'm going to go and give my two ds a hug and kiss and remind myself to ALWAYS show them that I love them

A bit sickly maybe. But it's just the way this thread has made me feel.

that was great you got her tickets to that band. Brilliant. But it's got to be more than a one off thing. Not necessarily things costing money, but showing that you are thinking of her.

You should have let her go to Newcastle. Why are you listening to what other people say? You are weak. Think for yourself! You are the parent here.

I've gotta go, cannot get away from this thread.

i had a lot of bloke friends when i was 15.

so yet again you broke your promise of her beign able to go somewhere. why did you listen to your mother etc and not just put your judghement in your dd. at 15 i was travelling places by train and back, was going to gigs in central london and travelling back with groups of friends. my parents trusted me. i had enough money to get there abnd back. and money to call.

ATE - SHe doesn't want things from you - she wants your time and your attention - to show that she is worthy of your love and care!

One act of kindness which you can recount really isn;t going to change my view that she is not receiving appropriate love, care and attention. Not by a long, long way. And you are solely responsible for that!

You need to smarted up your ideas and stop being such a wet rag! Frankly I'd be embarrassed to call myself a mother were I in your shoes right now

She didnt want to come on holiday with us and the Karate is actually 3 times a week.

It strikes me that you need some assertiveness training. You make a decision (not to move house, not to move her school, to let her go to see her penpal) and then change your mind because others have said something.

It does seem that you are easily swayed by what others say, but not by what your daughter is screaming at you - that she wants to be loved, that she wants you to tell her stepdad that he will not be allowed to chuck her out, that this is her home as well as yours and she has every right to be there.

Clearly your relationship with dd's father was not good, before or after the divorce. Do you see her as a reminder of that and feel that, if she were not around, you could have the lovely marriage and family life of which you had always dreamed with just you, dh and dds?? Because that's the way it comes across.

hmmm karate 3 times a week, or hanging about the streets in gangs like most teenagers do.

'She doesnt make "girl" friends, all her friends are boys for some reason, including the penpal which is why I didnt let her go in the end. Plus knowing her she would've ended up sleeping on the streets. '

b/c they give her attention. I'll bet I know how, too.

Oh, no, she probably won't end up on the streets. She'll wind up w/some loser bloke who treats her like crap, more likely.

If you knew she wouldn't have anywhere to stay in Newcastle you should never have said yes. You let her down by saying yes and then changing your mind.

It's not just about periodic grand gestures that come to nothing. It's about love, affection and security every single day, even when they are being a pain. I was a shocking teenager (and I didn't even have cause to rebel) but I always always knew that my parents loved me, even when I was sneaking out or slamming doors and telling them to f off.

giving things does not equate love, it is a bonus, try to find time for her,change teh way you think and stop listenning to everyone she is your daughter and you love her stop listenning to everyone else, let her know you love her and try to show this by checking what she thinks about doing things adn not belioeving everything about her is bad

expat i wasnt sleeping with my male friends. just preferred their company. didnt have to pretend to be all girly.

attheedge it seems you are avoiding answering the questions that mners are asking you, they are not doing it to get at you but are finding this thread increasingly frustrating as you are simply not adressing the real issues and seem reluctant to acknowledge them. please re read both these threads, take on board what people are saying and do domethig about it. If I was in your shoes this thread would be making me cry at the very least you are not reacting in an emtoive manner atll, ask your self why this is please

That comment shocked me too. She was 11 when her father died and you said that you'd been divorced many years prior to that, so she must have been between 1 and about 7 or 8 when she was being a "shit stirrer". No child is like that at that age. Difficult, yes, but really is this any way to talk about a young child?

Maybe she was like that because she was trying to get your attention even then, particularly if you were caught up in dealing with a bad marriage.