15 year old going to get herself killed

[attheedge]

I have been married for 4 years, I have a 15 year old DD to my previous marriage and a 3 year old DD to my current husband.

My 15 year old is driving us all mad, she is rude, ignorant, bitchy and just horrible to live with. She has just been suspended from school and they are now deciding whether to permanently exclude her. Apparantly she was trespassing on the nearby university, something she and her friends do often and have been repeatedly warned about, this time however she was attacked by a German Shepherd guard dog. The dog?s handler said that she was throwing stones at it and that?s how it came so out of control and broke free from him, her and her friends have said that as soon as he saw them he shouted at them to get off the uni property, they shouted something back and he threw the dog?s lead to the floor allowing it to attack my DD biting her arm and wrecking her school bag. The security firm made a complaint to the school and the school believe their version of events over the kids. Personally I could not imagine my DD throwing stones at a dog, she is mad on animals and does voluntary work for the RSPCA!

Aside from this she is constantly in trouble at school, she is cheeky to the teachers, walks out of lessons, drew Nazi signs all over her German work and the final straw came when she caught someone stealing from her bag, she informed the school (apparently!) and they did nothing so she took herself down to the local police station and made a formal complaint, this resulted in the police turning up at the school and the teachers becoming livid.

She is constantly putting herself in danger, just a few months ago she told me she was staying at a friends house all night, turns out her friend had said the same to her mum and they had decided to ?live rough? for the night on the streets to ?see what it was like?. She did the same thing a few weeks ago only this time she travelled to a completely different city 200 miles away via train and told her accompanying friend that they had somewhere to stay when they got there?.obviously they didn?t and ended up on the streets again all night, she loved it, her friend was mortified as was his mother.

I now know she is smoking cannabis and taking speed, she is going out drinking 3-4 times a week coming in drunk early hours of the morning, trying to get her friends (and sometimes trick them) into doing stupid, dangerous things? what is wrong with her??

She lost her father unexpectedly 4 years ago and in that time I have re-married and had a baby, I know this is a lot for any teen/child to deal with but I?m worried about what will happen to her.

do you ever cry about all this? I found admitting to dd2 that it was all going wrong and I was desperate for things to get better led to us both crying together and it helps to build that bond back up

more websites
working with animals the RSPCA

and
dog warden

have been lurking on this thread and the other one too, but find I can't keep my mouth shut any longer.

ATE - when was the last time you told your DD1 that you loved her? Have you ever told her that? the poor POOR girl must be going through hell.

I am still so by the bedroom thing and also some of the other things that your D(???)H has done that I can't comment. Do you really love this man, who can treat your own daughter so appallingly badly?

As others have said, the time is long overdue that you grow a backbone and start STANDING UP FOR and PROTECTING your daughter. If her own mother isn't going to look out for her then who is?

Shame on you.

Oh and I also wanted to comment on something that I think you said on the other thread - something about the fact that your DD always winds DH up by calling him names etc.

What the hell do you expect? He shows her no respect as a human being AT ALL. Therefore why should afford him any respect? Just because he is (supposedly) the adult does not necessarily mean that she has to respect him unconditionally. I wouldn't respect someone who treated me like a piece of shit on the floor, no matter how old they were.

Then again - how does he treat YOU? If he gets away with treating you just as badly (which I suspect he might - you are so far avoiding commenting on that) then he will think it's OK.

You are also teaching your daughter that it is OK for men to treat women with no respect.

OOoh I'm so about this I can't believe it. I only wanteed to make one more comment here but I couldn't help myself.

I am not surprised that your dd1 hangs out in the park if there is this much negativity at home and she has a horrid cold room. If your home situation improved, I'm sure your dd1 would be happy to spend more time at home with you.

When are you watching your dvd together? What did you decide on?

attheedge, I've just read this thread and I admire you for trying to change things. It does seem that a lot of the problem has been you simply going along with things your H says and does. You may not be able to change him, but you can do two things.

a) every time he says something outrageous, like he'll kick her out, or she hasn't cleaned up to his standards, etc., turn to him, IN FONT OF HER, and give him a piece of your mind. Say who on earth do you think you are, she's done a bloody good job / of course she needs a heater / I am very proud of her for going to karate, of course she needs a lift / she is my daughter and I love her and no way will you kick her out, grow up / etc. etc. as necessary. Don't sneak behind his back to try to make things right. Stand up to him, tell him what's not on, you're not his slave and nor is she. You may well find that when he's put in his place he actually can behave a lot better. He's been gettin gaway with it for years and thinks it's OK.

b) you can give her one hell of an apology for all the terrible things that have happened to her and your failure in the past to stand up to DH and put her first.

The most important thing IMO is that she knows you care and put her first. The poor girl needs to hear and see that so much. Yes she's a pain in the arse, but look at her - karate, a band, volunteer work, she wants to go to college - she's got so much going for her, so much enthusiasm, so many interests. Crack this problem and I bet she will flourish and become so much happier.

And if you really mean to make things better, and genuinely put your children before your DH, I would also consider leaving him if he continues to be such a problem. Yes it would be bloody difficult. But if your children come first, they come first. That was what it took my mother 20 years to figure out and I so know how your daughter feels when you don't stand up to DH.

I have read the whole thread. Your daughter sounds great... amazingly she sounds like she has lots of confidence and attitude - please don't let the other family members kick this out of her with their insults and critism - as others have said please stand up for your dd - if you don't know one else will.

i had thought that you might be making this up but you're not, so i apologise for doubting you.

i think nappieslagore made a good point when she said that you maybe arent' doing the best job as her mum, but you certainly seem to have done somethign right over the years as she seems a remarkable girl (annoying, changeable, brave, clever, bold, angry, loving... all normal teenager things).

your husband sounds like a horror, though, i mean where were you when he was asking for his CDs back? couldn't you have said that he was being ridiculous, or are you scared to?

if you print this off and show it to her, she might think we've all been dreadful towards you and tell you that you're not that bad after all, and that would be a great place for your relationship to restart, wouldn't it?

and then both of you can start dealing with His Majesty The Baby... ... the sooner the better it sounds like... my husband no longer speaks to his mother after she wouldn't/couldn't stand up to his stepdad and i know your heart would break if that was your future.

'my husband no longer speaks to his mother after she wouldn't/couldn't stand up to his stepdad and i know your heart would break if that was your future. '

I know plenty of people in that exact situation, aitch.

You need to let your partners feelings take second stage for a while and concentrate on her.He is an adult and will survive She is crying out for love and attention and it seems she has been for years TALK TO HER like a loving mother and an adult Listen to custy she makes out shes hard as nails but going by this she is a great mum and thats all kids want

I still say u ned to have a serious chat with your H and his fmaily - they're bang out of order for calling your DD that, focus on building your relationship with her and try if u can to get DH to at least stop actin like a spoilt little boy. anyhow.

your DD can join the army if she so wishes at 16, they do a school leavers project - she'll need to be fit and pass the tests but it's worth looking into - they only give u £50 p/w iirc - might be less for under 18s actually, and they'll give her training, also somewhere to live!

how about something like this vet corps
apprentaship college

it's not something i'd recommend to people it's a hard life at times but it might well give your DD the self worth and stability she's craving.

It strikes me that there is a very good reason why your H lived with his parents until he was 35 and that you were his first serious relationship. If he treated any tentative girlfriends with half the contempt he shows your dd, they would have run a mile and swam the channel. It is possibly also an explanation as to why he seems to have such difficulty in functioning in a family unit where he is supposed to be the "head" (or one of them at least).

Your dd1 sounds absolutely bloody marvellous. She is striking out and making moves to do something constructive with her life rather than just wallowing in depression (and she has every reason to be seriously depressed). OK so she does normal teenage rebellious stuff - I'd be more worried if she didn't.

You do need to support her publicly. The more you tell people how important she is to you (in front of her), the less likely they are to feel it is OK to belittle and insult her. If you don't support her, they clearly think you feel the same way. And I really don't understand why they feel this way about her. It really beggars belief. I think you should point out to your FIL that it is his son who is ruining your dd's life, not the other way round.

Well done, though, for coming back to face the music. You obviously have some of the fibre that your dd is displaying - perhaps you just have to dig a little deeper to find it .

ATE Im really pleased that you came back

Dont let your dh's family treat your dd1 with disrespect or think its right to talk about her in local shops who do they think they are.
They have no right to talk about her like that.

Im glad your going to do something with dd1 it will be quality time for you both.

It sounds like your dh has been spoilt and is a right mummy's boy and can do no wrong he is the adult and needs to grow up.

I wish you the best of luck look after your dd1 and dont stand for dh giveing her shit you need to stick up for her.

Keep posting

didn't realise your husband left home at 35! This says a lot.

Also, the fact that his father can call his step-granddaughter a 'bitch' says a lot about him, which in turn goes some way to explaining your husband's horrific social skills. He obviously grew up in a household where bullying was the norm.

Your dd1 has backbone, who knows where from.

What a mess.

People have been saying you should go round to your mum's, your in-laws and tell them what for....but you are not going to do that, are you? Let's be realistic here. You are also not going to suddenly, after all these years, turn to your husband and stand up to him for the sake of your daughter. You are scared of him. Is he ever violent towards you? No matter, he's emotionally violent.

I don't know the answer, one step at a time. But please, take that step.

I agree with Custy.

Haven't read all the thread but I do feel a little softer towards you than some posters - some harsh things have been said. Of course you love her but that's your trouble - you love evryone.

You always put dh first. Your marriage first. Marriage is just an institution and institutions serve a purpose but shouldn't be propped up at all costs. You are trying to please everyone and it can't be done.

A lot of what you say could have been written by my bf, except that is the father not step-father that is denying lifts etc. (she even had to call a taxi to hospital in an emergency ). My bf thought she was doing the right thing, being strong even, trying to hold everything together but she wasn't. Her dd still reproaches her for not standing up to him, allowing him to get away with his bullying behaviour and for not leaving him sooner. And that is her own father.

Your main problem is that you have let a pattern of behaviour be established that is very, very hard to break. I mean everyone, not just your dd. It has to be broken but it will be painful and has to be done.

So think positively for a change.

I am struck by how many good points she has - so appreciate them fgs! So many activities and all she wants is a lift for them to continue. What wouldn't I give for a teenager that wanted to do something!! Denying a lift is denying opportunites, the chance to develop interests and her personality. Interests that would keep her away from more disreputable activities, atleast part of the time.

Be happy she is such a strong character, it will take her far when she is through this phase of her life. Most would be bowed into submission, but no, she involved the police.

Try to see things from her point of view e.g. "They are always telling me not to walk through rough areas, but the one time I ask for a lift they can't be arsed."

And well done for keeping posting.

ATE I do hope you will come back again, please let your daughter spend some time with the sister of yours who takes her horsebackriding. give yourselves a break from eachother whilst you sort yourself out.

The people on here who have given you advice have been so kind and helpful, although it may not seem tht way to you. I hope you can open the links they sent you - just click on them and that should do the trick. If you need help just ask. If is okay to admit that you are not very bright, have problems and need help. Nobody will judge you for that, but you must listen to advice, even if you don't like it.

Show your daughter the links for RSPCA and all the rest. Let her know that there is a whole mass of us Mums out there who care about her even though we don't know her. Let her know that we think this:

Dear Little One

You are a brilliant and wonderful girl. We're all so impressed with you doing work with animals, wanting to go to college, helping to clean the house doing karate and lots of other things.

Life might seem so hard for you right now, but ask your Mum to show you the links we sent for more information. We are all here sending you hugs and wishing you only good things. If you need to post on here to ask us for help we will all try to respond with any information we can give you.

Sometimes grown ups make mistakes and are wrong. This does not mean you are wrong or bad.

Be strong. Believe in yourself. Follow for your dreams.

Have a hug from each of us sweetheart. we all believe in you.

From me and lots and lots of Mums x

god, i must be hormonal or something but the idea of that child reading that letter just brought tears to my eyes. and i am NOT a tears to the eyes kind of woman.

The whole thing brings tears to my eyes. I hope ATE has the courage to keep reading and show her how we feel.

I have a teenage daughter, they are a challenge - but when I step back, I see that she is my teacher and any bad behaviour is usually a lesson for ME!

Message withdrawn

Please show her littlewonder's open letter adn count me as one of teh mums

I won't apologise for my harshness, as I said I was that teenager once. BUT at least you are trying to do something which is more than my own mother did, she spent most of my teenage years feeling sorry for herself and grasping attention for herself, much as she does now!

This is very raw for me. My stepdad used to look at me like I was a piece of shit each time I stepped through the front door. He would make nasty comments to me when no-one else was listening. He made it clear that he didn't like me and wanted me out of the house, he would tell me how worthless I was and this was when he deigned to speak to me at all! Most of the time I didn't exist, I spent hours in my room not daring to go downstairs. I am wondering what your dh says to your dd when you are not around? I never told my mum because I got the impression that she wasn't interested and if I did try to broach the subject I was labelled a trouble maker and a liar. She was quite physical with her punishments too my mum. I remember her dragging me up the stairs by my hair, throwing me across the other side of a room and screaming in my face because I had refused to wash his car.

I too came from a background where we were expected to leave home and get a job. That is what I did, I left home and worked in a kennel 6 days a week on YTS making £30 a week, half of which I had to give to my mum for rent and food, and he still tried to deny me any of that food!

My sisters both left home as soon as they could because of him, they shared a flat together. But I was too young. I went to stay with my eldest sister when things got too rough, and I spent sometime staying with Custy too, but she had a young family to look after at that time. I was in that nightmare until I was 22 when I left for a residential college. Only then did I discover who I really was.

I lost my teenage years and I admire your dd for trying to make the most of hers. She has more guts than I had. But I can see what she will become and the kind of relationships she will have. The damage has already been done, this is just a case of damage limitation now.

Anyway, I wanted you to know why your posts have made me so angry, they just flipped a switch inside me. I wish I could give your dd a hug because I have an idea of just how she must feel, and it cuts me up to think of someone else suffering how I suffered. I have never felt so alone and unloved as I felt for many many years at home. There are repercussions from that even now, it's hard to forget.

I'll leave this thread now and hope that it saves your daughter, that you manage to salvage something out of this.

Rhubabrb - i think it was compassionate and generous of you to share that, to explain your pov.

hope i dont sound patronising, but im pretty impressed with you, as well at ATE's daughter, for coming roaring through such awful situations with guts and confidence. hope your past doesnt haunt you too much and that you are able to feel good about yourself as you deserve.

have just joined mums net and this is the first thread i have read and I am overwhelmed...just want to add myself to the 'mums' backing the wonderful letter from Little Wonder - to the daughter; even if you don't feel your own mum is worried about you and loving you (She is and she does!)many many other mums are - please please please take care of yourself.

Attheedge - to place the dreadful situation you have put your daughter in to one side for a moment, you need to get out and find a job and get some autonomy in your life. If you had your own money and friends you might find it a bit easier to stand up to (hopefully leave) your f*wit of a husband. Can you not see what a grade A loser he is? He will never change and I really don't know why you are with him. I would rather sleep on the streets. He is a neanderthal bully. Normal men do not act like he does. So what if it is the third marraige down the pan? Surely your daughters (and I use the plural deliberately) come before anything else? The man does not deserve a family and he will treat dd2 like dirt as soon as she starts to decide things for herself. Abusive relationships almost always escalate. If he isn't hitting you already, it won't be long. You have called your daughter some unforgivable things and yet you say nothing against your husband. Which means you are either scared stiff he will catch you posting and read what you have written about him, or you really couldn't give a stuff about your duaghter, in which case why are you here?