15 year old going to get herself killed

[attheedge]

I have been married for 4 years, I have a 15 year old DD to my previous marriage and a 3 year old DD to my current husband.

My 15 year old is driving us all mad, she is rude, ignorant, bitchy and just horrible to live with. She has just been suspended from school and they are now deciding whether to permanently exclude her. Apparantly she was trespassing on the nearby university, something she and her friends do often and have been repeatedly warned about, this time however she was attacked by a German Shepherd guard dog. The dog?s handler said that she was throwing stones at it and that?s how it came so out of control and broke free from him, her and her friends have said that as soon as he saw them he shouted at them to get off the uni property, they shouted something back and he threw the dog?s lead to the floor allowing it to attack my DD biting her arm and wrecking her school bag. The security firm made a complaint to the school and the school believe their version of events over the kids. Personally I could not imagine my DD throwing stones at a dog, she is mad on animals and does voluntary work for the RSPCA!

Aside from this she is constantly in trouble at school, she is cheeky to the teachers, walks out of lessons, drew Nazi signs all over her German work and the final straw came when she caught someone stealing from her bag, she informed the school (apparently!) and they did nothing so she took herself down to the local police station and made a formal complaint, this resulted in the police turning up at the school and the teachers becoming livid.

She is constantly putting herself in danger, just a few months ago she told me she was staying at a friends house all night, turns out her friend had said the same to her mum and they had decided to ?live rough? for the night on the streets to ?see what it was like?. She did the same thing a few weeks ago only this time she travelled to a completely different city 200 miles away via train and told her accompanying friend that they had somewhere to stay when they got there?.obviously they didn?t and ended up on the streets again all night, she loved it, her friend was mortified as was his mother.

I now know she is smoking cannabis and taking speed, she is going out drinking 3-4 times a week coming in drunk early hours of the morning, trying to get her friends (and sometimes trick them) into doing stupid, dangerous things? what is wrong with her??

She lost her father unexpectedly 4 years ago and in that time I have re-married and had a baby, I know this is a lot for any teen/child to deal with but I?m worried about what will happen to her.

Totally agree btw! When I was growing up I was ignored by my mum and treated like shit by her new dh. I now despise them both nearly as much as they despise me. I went through hell as a teenager wishing all the time that someone would take notice of me. You would do well to heed Custy's advice.

Your dh really isn't coming out well in all of this. It sounds like he is doing his best to get your dd out of your house and your life. It also sounds like he's doing a pretty good job. What a tragedy.

Thank you Custardo - the voice of reason!

She is a very wise woman is Custy and you should listen to her - very closely

I think that Custy has put it very well indeed.
our dh sounds like a prize dick tbh. I am worried about what will happen to her too, unless you both start giving her some proper, decent attention.
I can recommend this book a bit American in tone but good content
you need to give this your full attention, pronto. and your dh needs to get on side or shut the F up, frankly.

I have to point out, me and her father were seperated and divorced a good few years before I got with my current husband, it just happened that I had been seeing him for a couple of months when her father suddenly fell ill. I admit it moved very fast and I know I havn't been perfect. She was never an easy child, she was a trouble causer when she was smaller, telling tales and repeating what she had heard to adults to cause arguments, messing around on trainlines, I was called into primary school twice because of her bullying and when me and her dad split up we had no money and ended up having to live with my mother where she upped her game and started playing up even more. In the end her father was growing that impatient with her behaviour and me daring to involve myself in new relationships that he threatened to report me to the social services, although he was never actually prepared to take her in himself. Just what we needed so it became agreed amonsgt family members that she would go and live with my sister for a while, which she did and behaved perfectly the entire time. I had never got on with my sister and she swore blind that the reason DD behaved there was because she "bothered" with her, took her horseriding etc, all the things she knew I couldn't afford to do.

I know things have been hard on her, she keeps throwing it in my face that she went to 5 different primary schools as a kid and tries to make out that's why she can't make friends, the reason she can't make friends is because she always gets them into trouble doing stupid stuff.

The karate thing - She chose to take it up, I was glad that she had found something positive to do but she knew when she took it up that DH worked awkward hours, sometimes he didn't get in until gone 8pm so the last thing he wanted to do was trail out again to pick her up, he said since she treats everyone so disrespectful why should he help her. I couldn't pick her up as I don't drive.

There was one time she got injured there, badly twisted her ankle and could hardly walk and so got the instructor to phone home to ask for a lift for her as she knew he would say no to her, he agreed but when he got there she expected him to take her friend home too who lives in the next street so he came out in a mood about that. Now she's saying she's going to give it up.

Same with the RSPCA, she was doing voluntary work there and had to be there for 7:30 on a saturday morning, for the first few weeks she went on her bike and I was worried as it was quite a long way, early morning rush hour traffic and the roads around there are busy industrial roads, after the novelty had wore off she decided that if she didnt get a lift she would give that up too. She did give it up and then went crying to my father about it, my mother then charmed in saying she's a spoilt brat and is crying to get around her grandad. Its as if she takes things up just so she can blame us for giving them up but I really don't need other families interfering to but where she's concerned, they all think they have a right. She did it with some stables, got a saturday job there and then gave it up after a couple of weeks as she thought DH would be taking her and picking her up.

I know he should be more helpful but he works long hours and she seems to forget this when she wants a taxi.

I know he isnt perfect but what do I do? She wont spend time with me, she's not girly at all so salons etc are out of the question, she certainly wouldnt spend any time with DH on her own if I paid her to.

A couple of months ago we went on holiday and left her at my mums house, she then decided that she had forgotten her homework and so went to DH's parents for the key to our house and they told her they didnt have one she knew they were lying and decided to break into the house instead, she got in through the bathroom window which had been left open slightly by his parents. I got angry at my mother for it who was supposed to be looking after her and she changed her tune again saying "how can I ban her from her own house?"

It's on going battles between everyone, my mother goes from saying "she needs a slap" to "you need to bother with her more", she tells me she is moving out when she is 16 and wont speak to me again when she does. DH tells her that if she doesnt get a job within 2 weeks of leaving school he'll kick her out, she replies by saying she'll make sure she isnt working and it goes on and on

I really hope that this isn't for real!

oh dear, you just dont get it do you? Are you for real?

so you have confirmed she is dysfunctional and your dh is a unhelpful

what you havent done is come up with a suggestion of how your going to interact more with your daughter.

my daughter was always a tom boy - would rather die than wear a dress. however some unconventional nail varnish - or glue on nails and a dvd and we have a great time

I have posted on your other thread, but to add... Why dont you ask her what she wants. Ask her how she would like thing to be and what she would like you two to do together.

i honestly dont know what tyo say. really i dont.

It;s easier said than done, DH works long hours so me getting time with DD1 on our own is very very rare, she wont watch the same DVD's that I would watch either and when DH is off work (which is rare) is it really such a crime to want to spend some time with him?

When he's at work me and my DD1 do sometimes have a laugh but as soon as he comes in she starts, often telling him what I've said about him or his parents to start a row.

me too, atthe edge you are scapegoating your child and appear to have done so for a number of years. She is your daughter although to listen to your posts she is a burden to you, whatever has happenned in the past adn I suspect there may resentment towards her dad on your part. she is your daughter and needs to be shown how to live and be social. money doesn't make you a good parent but being accepting does. Talk to her or go to counselling yourself, I feel very sad and concerned for your daughter

Could you please tell me what I am doing that is so bad??

how about ASKING her what she wants to watch. you may have to sit throug ha film you hate but she will have fun with you.

you need to sort this out as a family. include your dh. ask you dd what she wants to do and if your dh can arrnage to get her there and back safely.

But all teenagers expect their parents to be taxi drivers. And if no lift is offered, could you not provide her with the money for a taxi?

I don't know what the problem was with giving her friend a lift home if she only lives in the next street. How selfish would it have been of your dd to get your dh to give her a lift but not to offer to her friend?

Strikes me that she's damned if she does and she's damned if she doesn't. She's certainly had a lot of turmoil in her early life and now she's landed with a step-father who seems to go out of his way to make it jolly clear how much he hates her and wants her out of the house permanently. Poor bloody kid.

"she wont watch the same DVD's that I would watch"

I don't understand why you can't watch her choice of dvd?

You need to see your GP about getting some parenting classes and counselling.

'Bothering' about her doesn't have to involve driving or lots of money.

But I'm really concerned at your DH's bullying her in such a fashion.

I mean, she injured her ankle and had to get the instructor to phone b/c she knew he wasn't going to give her a lift?

And so what about the friend, she lived ONE street away.

I feel sorry for her, tbh, b/c she's had nothing but very weak examples of females around her.

She'll be one of those who does anything and everything for the first bloke who pays her any attention.

I hate to tell you this, but you're very close to losing your daughter forever.

Wow.

I'd be f*cking heartbroken and gutted.

But you don't seem to have the self esteem to do anything about it, just wringing your hands. It seems to be a pattern your daughter is well aware of.

She sees you as weak.

You back that up at every turn.

PLEASE get some help for you and your daughter asap!

'DH tells her that if she doesnt get a job within 2 weeks of leaving school he'll kick her out'

When your arse of a DH says this to her - what do you say!

Fck off you * she is my DD and she will stay under my roof as long as I see fit - and if you don't like it - the door is that way!

Or do you sit any say nothing!

ok, look - make sure she can get to karate or the rspca safely - god do you know how many parents would love their teenagers to have hobbies like that?. its not a crime to get your dh to give her friend a lift occassionally too. and kids do forget their homework - usually the adults around them know how to sort the problem out. stop listening to your mother and dh. she is your daughter - you need to look after her.and yes, it is bad to want to spend time with dh if it means you lose your child in the process. I CANNOT believe how upset I am at this.

Everyone on this thread, and everyone on your other thread, and your mother is telling you that she wants love, understanding and attention from you. You are just looking for sympathy and whilst anyone here who has a teen understands how frustrating they can be, and does have sympahty for you, anyone on the outside can see that this child needs her mum.

Tbh you sound like you have washed your hands of her, that she has a self fulfilling destiny with disaster and that there is nothing you can do. Sorry but thats not true. You have the power to make this child feel like she is worth loving and worth having a decent life. the fact that she shows interest in stuff like animals and martial arts and gets saturday jobs speaks volumes about her.
The fact that her parents won't go out of their way to give her a lift or to support her speaks volumes about them.

Her karate friend is a 15 year old boy who would've been quite safe walking home on his own, I wouldn't mind but she dislikes the kid anyway.

The only DVD's she would watch is stuff like Jackass which make me feel sick.

I will ask her though when she gets home if she fancies getting a DVD in this week as DH is off work so could take DD2 to the cinema.

try to be more understanding, so what if spending tiem with her means you don't spend a few hours a week with your man he should understand that your children come first. Try to do things with dd1 that don't involve talking about family or events,
Try to do one thing a week with here taht she wants to do (at first this may be hard, old habits die hard sio you need to be strong and keep tyrying it willbe worthit in the end)
Also try not blame things on dd1 Try to give her the benefit of the doubt. Also as a parent you need to give her consistent signals adn messages it sounds like on one hand you want to keep her safe but yours adn your dh actions don't refel;ect this (would it really hurt him to pick her up - probably not - the benefits of knowing she is safe and the bridge building it could do should outway the rest. She is a teenager and needs support to grow to adulthood