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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

OH MY GOD MY 14 YR OLD IS PREGNANT

157 replies

mummisery · 17/10/2006 21:56

My dd has told me she is pregnant things could not be worse and she wants to keep it. She cant keep this baby but i dont agree with abortion what can i do

OP posts:
TheDaVinciCod · 17/10/2006 21:57

let her have it

lockets · 17/10/2006 21:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

7up · 17/10/2006 21:59

let her have it ifyou can be there to support her

buktus · 17/10/2006 22:00

my niece is 15 and as she has a useless mother i have been the shoulder to cry on, she is now 21 weeks pg really confident it has done her th world of good in a very starnge way i know, i dont think you can force her to give the baby up, if the other options arent there in your mind

Piffle · 17/10/2006 22:03

Your support will be vital, you will at some stage need to be there to show her what to do.
If you cannot or will not do this, you face a pretty stark choice.
Ask her why she wants it, try to get her to visit another young mum to find out the reality.
Some girls cannot think past the lad that got them pregnant as if it some way of magically holding onto them forever, I'd be quite kene to enlighten her on that aspect pronto
But all told if she good maternal support from you, keeps her education going and she is a level headed otherwise good kid, worse things could happen.
if it was my dd I'd do what I said above, pls don't take any of it personally, I'm just thinking out loud in an If It Was Me way

Original poster
mummisery · 17/10/2006 22:05

There is know room in our home and i support two children as it is on my wage i cant afford to move and the childs dad is very undesirable without going into more detail

OP posts:
moljam · 17/10/2006 22:07

i think you need to support her whatever.let her know all the options.i cannot imagine how shes feeling.or you.hope its all ok.

pooka · 17/10/2006 22:08

What kind of position are you in to help her if she does keep the baby? I would agree with other posters that if she is adamant that she wants to keep the baby, then there is not really much you can do. It's going to be such a difficult road ahead, but if you start the journey in as positive frame of mind asd possible (i.e. what can we all do to help her/what mght she want to do in the future) then you may be able to avoid some of the heartache involved.
I know there is an alternative - adoption - but could you imagine doing that yourself? I don't think I could have given up my child, and I'm afraid that that decision could itslef lead to heartache.
I really really feel for you. You must feel ike you've been hit by a 10 tonne weight.
How far gone is she? Obviously that would have implications for termination if that is what she chose.
God - it's the girls/women who have to pick up the pieces, isn't it

7up · 17/10/2006 22:08

oh dear,bit tricky if you havent got room. could she stay with grandma or would that be unrealistic.

i never agreed in abortion but did end up having one, and even though it took me ages to get over the guilt i know now it was definitely the right thing to do .

Original poster
mummisery · 17/10/2006 22:08

Piffle she isnt level headed and has many problems and i will always be there for her i always have been and believe me she has really pushed me over the last few years. I love her and i wont dessert her

OP posts:
Original poster
mummisery · 17/10/2006 22:12

Coulndnt have baby adopted i am adopted that causes problems in itself. I just feel so useless and a complete failure and she is still my baby and i will support what ever i have no choice

OP posts:
bluejelly · 17/10/2006 22:13

Oh god how awful. Sorry but I think she should think seriously about an abortion. I had one when I was 23 and in an immature relationship and it was one of the best things I ever did. I wasn't wracked with guilt for years or even weeks. Went on to have my dd a few years later and am so glad I waited.
Does she have a counsellor or someone 'neutral' to talk to? So sorry you are going through this

pooka · 17/10/2006 22:13

What a lovely mum you are. I just can't imagine what I'd do in your situation. Agree very strongly with Piffle that you need to talk seriously with her about why she wants to keep the baby - try and separate the pregnancy from the relationship with the father IYSWIM and of course emphasise the sheer enormity of having a baby to care for and what it might mean for her future.
Have to say that having watched that programme on britain's teen mums it seemed that most coped well, but it depended a great deal on how mature they were. I think of my nieces, and the eldest is 16 and the youngest is 14 and no way do they seem mature enough to even halfway cope with becoming mothers.

badkarma · 17/10/2006 22:13

My sister had a baby at 15. My mum was her main support, even though we had no spare money, we made do. We had no room either, there were 3 girls plus a baby in our room. My father was not supportive at all, in fact he threatened to throw her out..my mum said she would go too if he did. Look, it's not the end of the world, things could be worse.. she could have came inside and said "Mum, I am dying" Surely that would be worse? Sometimes that's the only way to look at things. Your support will be vital to her.. Can you let her talk to someone outside of your family who can talk to her like a young adult and not a child?

Wishing you lots of luck for the coming weeks & months.

buktus · 17/10/2006 22:13

how far gone is she

Piffle · 17/10/2006 22:14

RE the problems do you think she will cope with a baby at all - is it a case of make her or break her perhaps?
If she is a pretty troubled teen, she needs some counselling perhaps...

Kidstrack · 17/10/2006 22:15

you can only be there to support her, in whatever way you can. You always find ways round things, my sister was 15 when she had her baby, it was a bit of a squeeze but she had the baby and baby stuff in her room, she just had to clear out all her teenage stuff and replace with a moses basket.

Rhubarb · 17/10/2006 22:15

Whatever she does it will be a decision that she will have to live with. Forever. There is help and support out there for teenage mums, more help than there ever was before. Teenage centres for mums, classes for them, etc.

You cannot make this decision for her based on what you think is right. If she is adult enough to have sex then she has to be adult enough to take the consequences. Let her grow up now and make this decision. She'll never forget your support.

moljam · 17/10/2006 22:15

mummisery,i agree with pp what a lovely mum you are.cant even imagine how id feel.

pooka · 17/10/2006 22:16

Think that if I'd got pregnant when I was first sexually active then I would definitely have had an abortion. Now I've had my babies, I couldn't imagine not having them, but them I was married and financially secure and they were planned so different kettle of fish.

wannaBe1974 · 17/10/2006 22:34

I think it is vital that she see a counsellor. Someone who is totally nutral and who can discuss with her all the options that are available to her. She has to make this decision on her own, but she will need someone who can talk through everything with her, without swaying her in any particular direction. As her mum, although you support her, you will obviously have views of your own and these could be passed on to her, however much you might not intend for that to happen.

How far gone is she? has she seen the gp yet? if you can get her an appointment with the gp she could get an urgent referral to a counsellor

good luck x

ShouldKnowByFriday · 17/10/2006 22:39

Do you have any friends with a small baby that she can look after (under supervision) for the day (and night)? A neighbour's daughter who is 16 was pregnant and looking really happy, I saw her smoking in the street each time I saw her and lo and behold the baby was 6 weeks premature. I saw her when the baby was 4 weeks, she had been up all night, she looked exhausted the the novelty of a new born baby had long worn off. She had alot of hard work to do and ahead of her and looked thoroughly miserable. I don't think teenagers (nor indeed any new mum) really know what a new baby entails until they look after one by which time it is too late to have a change of heart. Good luck.

acnebrideofFrankenstein · 17/10/2006 22:47

what an incredible shock for you.

i'd second the neutral counselling option. Perhaps for you too? (not with her).

ok i'm parping myself now.

Original poster
mummisery · 17/10/2006 22:59

Thankyou all for your kind words. DD is most likely a couple of months at the most and i have been trying to get her to a councillor for four years as she is a toubled teen she just wont go. I have arranged for her to see a family support worker and she can give her all the options. DD knows how hard it can be as she has a twoyr old brother i had difficult pregnancy emergency ceaser and PND and my partner left me. The dad of this baby is 21 and i have been trying to keep them apart he has a seriously bad record and should not be involved with dd.

OP posts:
Molesworth · 17/10/2006 23:29

oh mm, you've had a terrible time of it over the last couple of years from what you say

Just want to add my support - it sounds to me as if you're doing all you can do. I agree with others who have suggested counselling - and don't forget that you need support too.