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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

OH MY GOD MY 14 YR OLD IS PREGNANT

157 replies

mummisery · 17/10/2006 21:56

My dd has told me she is pregnant things could not be worse and she wants to keep it. She cant keep this baby but i dont agree with abortion what can i do

OP posts:
izzybiz · 21/10/2006 13:13

hi mummisery,
I fell pregnant at 15 and had my son at 16.
I was not a troubled teen and had a loving family at home.
I was just a teenage girl in love.

I really do feel for you and your Dd, this is such a huge thing to have to try and deal with, she is very lucky to have you, i dont think i could have coped as well as i did without support from my family.
She needs to be totaly aware of what she is doing, what ever decision she makes will change her forever. But it does have to be her choice,
I read someones post " i would make her have an abortion" well that is obviously someone that has no idea of what its like to be in this situation.
You say she is troubled, this could be the making of her, its not ideal but its happening and you all have to make the best of it.
I sometimes feel that ive missed out on being a young woman, free to do what ever i like and have fun, but with support i have still been able to do the things that i want. And i wouldnt change a thing.
I hope everything works out for the best, whatever she decides to do. You are a good mum to stand by her, she is a lucky girl, maybe you could save this thread to show her, so she might get an idea from our expeiences? good luck.x

izzybiz · 21/10/2006 13:15

Just wanted to add my son is 14 this year, and im 30 now, and we are doing ok!

flutterbeebonfirebanger · 21/10/2006 13:33

Hi mm,

I would just like to congratulate you on having bought up a daughter who obviously feels loved and trusts you enough to confide in you with this situation.

Maybe sit down with your daughter and her friend and have a really really honest talk, having her friend their may allow your daughter to speak a little more easily and if you and the friend agree your daughter may accept the suggestions a little easier than if coming from you alone.

Hope things work out no matter what happens.

bigfatred · 21/10/2006 15:52

Hi mm - I am impressed that your dd obviously has no illusions about the xbf and doesn't want him around. she sounds courageous. she must really have a sense of how much you love her so something you are doing is right regardless of everything that has been happening for her over the last 4 years. does she know what she aspires to beyond possibly having this child? she needs to consider that as well adn how one may impact the other.

ps respect your feelings totally on abortion, that earlier comment was not was not aimed at you.

muma3 · 21/10/2006 17:05

hi (its toiletrollmummy btw )
yes i lived at home at the time but my mother wasnt very close to me and i think this is why o rebeled . not saying this is the reason that your daughter fell pregnant but you mentioned she had some other issues?
i felt very negleted at the time too . she was very work orientated and i was passed from pillar to post . back and forth from hers to my b/f house. he was 15 and his parents were really good to begin with . i stayed at theirs until the baby was born and for a few months after. (my mum buggered off in the mean while to london to work with out telling me !!

things didnt really work out at theirs and we were always arguing so i took myself to social services and asked for help as i was very mature and knew i couldnt keep things as they were. i needed somewhere stable to live.

i lived in a hostel fro when dd1 was 4 months until she was 11 months. i then got a council flet . the reason for this is because they wouldnt house me until i was 16. whilst i was in the hostel i got an allowance from some services i cant remenber who they were. they offered alot of support and was available for finacial support aswell as a cuppa and fag when i was feeling down. ex b/f also got put in an hostel and we then moved in together .

when i turned 16 i got income support and they paid my rent for my hostel /flat.
i had a community support worker who helped me get the things i needed ie; bedding and a cot etc. i also got giving gifts for dd1 for xmas. (childrens appeal or something )

it was a bloody rough time and i wouldnt recommend it to anyone . the hostel had druggies in it and i had no end of things stolen.

my advice is to support her no end , she needs you . please please please dont assume that she is grown up and able to cope even if she thinks she can . i still need my mum but havent had her for years and yes i still cry over her leaving me . im 24 now and i think i will never forget what i went through and how it has made me a strong indepent person .

love her support her and get as much help as you can .

i still went to school until the end of year .
fell in jan
left school in jne
started a young mums school in sept and then stayed til the following june. i did my exams and took baby with me .

she will need you even when the baby is grown up
anything else i can answer please just ask

Original poster
mummisery · 21/10/2006 17:37

Thanx muma3
I wont desert dd im struggling for space and money i work four days a week and also have a two year old son.

The issues dd has are innapropriate friends drug users etc and obviously dad of baby she stays out all night etc.

All started when my mum died suddenly and i sent her to her dads for a couple of days so i could sort things out(obviously a mistake) dd and i where always very close but have grown apart some how i would love to get that back.
I feel that she wont let anyone close because she couldnt stand the pain of losing them.
I was also quite poorly with ds and PND and partner had left and we just grew apart.

She has been in trouble and in court alot and i have been there every time 30 to be exact and have looked for her many nights she is very abusive and angry and doesnt talk about things very often and doesnt see or care about the consequences of her actions but expects me to pick up the pieces.

But i love her always

OP posts:
NAB3 · 21/10/2006 17:39

I feel that you need to keep quiet about what you want her to do. If she makes a decision that she feels you have pushed her in to the likelihood is that she will blame you for ever. Show her both sides of having the baby/having a termination as well as discussing adoption and get all the help and advice you can. Has she seen a doctor or a midwife yet? I think the dad should have a good slap too (metophorically) though if she wanted to sleep with him (did she?) then it is hard to prove rape but she is underage and he should face the consequences of that.

Original poster
mummisery · 21/10/2006 17:43

She has seen the doctor and has appointment to see the midwife and when i try to point out all the options she yells at me then tells me she will go into foster care so that i wont have to find the space or money to look after her and so that social services wont take it off her

OP posts:
muma3 · 21/10/2006 18:13

oh god no , they shouldnt take it off of her , not for the fact that you are struggling for money that is silly. you will both be fine honest. both of you together will cope fine , i did it on my just fine. dd1 had what she needd and was fed and warm . there was never mention of them taking her off me . dont worry

and

Original poster
mummisery · 21/10/2006 21:50

Muma3 they don want to take baby because of me struggling for money but because she doesnt look after herself i have told her to start behaving if she wants the baby but she doesnt seem to take it in. She is supposed to be in a 9 and she is not home ss will find out because she is on a curfew the whole thing makes me very

OP posts:
Original poster
mummisery · 22/10/2006 00:32

Well im sat up waiting for pregnant dd to comein this really isnt going to help with ss what do i have to do to get through to my dd she is just not listening

OP posts:
Tortington · 22/10/2006 00:36

if i were you - i would move house.

nope its not easy. you have job friends life etc.

but at the moment your dd is seriously fucked up.

my other option would be to tell her that your going to ask ss to remove her for the welbeing of your 2 year old.

Original poster
mummisery · 22/10/2006 00:39

i would move if i could afford it havent got many friends any more.

She has been removed before just ran away and what about that baby

OP posts:
Original poster
mummisery · 22/10/2006 09:58

DD didnt come home and i feel crap. She is doing herself no favours but i might as well talk to myself. She stopped listening to me four years ago

OP posts:
winnie · 22/10/2006 10:22

mm, I am so sorry.
Do you have any idea where she is?
I agree she is doing herself no favours. Maybe this is going to be the hardest lesson she has to learn and - I know she is only 14 - but she is going to have to deal with the consequences of her actions herself. You really have done all that you can. Please try to remember that. There is only so much you can do. This must be so heartbreaking for you

Original poster
mummisery · 22/10/2006 10:26

I have some idea where she might be but they lie to me when i ring and ask.

Yes dd obviously is going to have to learn by her mistakes never mind the effect on the rest of the family and i dont think she realises how its going to effect her

OP posts:
winnie · 22/10/2006 10:32

mm, I wish I could take my own advice (as if it's so easy... if it was I'd be doing it myself [& my dd is older]) but as an outsider looking in I think it is time to prioritise you and ds. Be there for dd on one level, but take a step back too, for ds and your own sakes.

winnie · 22/10/2006 10:33

and of course she doesn't know how it will effect her... she has no idea

Original poster
mummisery · 22/10/2006 13:53

DD still not home and havent heard a word and mobile is switched off im starting to worry

OP posts:
winnie · 22/10/2006 20:15

mm, any news? Thinking of you.

Original poster
mummisery · 22/10/2006 20:44

Yes she come home around four wont tell me where shes been(as usual)but at least she is home

OP posts:
mears · 22/10/2006 20:49

mummisery - perhaps it is worth discussing the impact of your daughter's continued behaviour with her. It is certain that there will be a case conference involving social work, midwives, police and yourself and dd to discuss the baby's future. From what you have said here it is highly likely the baby will have a Child Protection Order placed at delivery. Unless your DD can overcome her disorderly behaviour it is unlikely that she will get to keep her baby. The best thing she can do is straighten herself out with your support and that of social work. I hope you get good support.

Original poster
mummisery · 22/10/2006 21:01

Thanx mears i will not let other people take away my grandchild i will bring him/her up myself if i have to.

I have been asking for ss to secure my dd for years for her own good she meets all criteria but they wont but there quite happy to take away my grandchild i dont think so

OP posts:
happybiggirl · 22/10/2006 21:05

Message withdrawn

Original poster
mummisery · 22/10/2006 21:08

HBG im on it i think its a great idea

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