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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

OH MY GOD MY 14 YR OLD IS PREGNANT

157 replies

mummisery · 17/10/2006 21:56

My dd has told me she is pregnant things could not be worse and she wants to keep it. She cant keep this baby but i dont agree with abortion what can i do

OP posts:
nailpolish · 19/10/2006 07:50

do you have any close relatives like an aunt or a sister your dd can stay with

you ahve enough problems and not enough space

winnie · 19/10/2006 07:56

Mummisery, contact connexions. There should be a support worker there specifically for teenagers in dd's situation. She will be able to advise you about the financial specifics.

HAPPYFACE · 19/10/2006 08:12

All I can add to this really is my own experience. I was pregnant at 17 and my parents said if I kept it I was on my own, I knew my boyfriend was useless really. I had an abortion and was really upset. I cried for days and felt guilty for months, I had no support really, my parents just told me to pick myself up, they were very hard.
I look back on the above and know I did the right thing. I have a great life, I'm now in my thirties with a lovely husband and 2 children. My ex boyfriend is still in/out prison!
I remember thinking I knew everything! I don't think I realised this wasn't the case until I was in my early twenties!

TrustyTrudy · 19/10/2006 14:36

HI

Sorry to hear about your situation, as a mother its one of the things I dread to hear come out of my dd mouth in the future, I just hope all the safe sex conversations I'm planning on having with her is going to work.

I would call your Dr surgery and ask them if their is any local groups, charities or organisations that help teen mums. If they cant help you try the CAB.

These organisations should beable to help you answer any queries you got and if your daughter does decide to go ahead with the pregnancy, they may beable to work out a way to support her and you.

Also you could try a charity called Surestart.

I hope you find the help for you and your dd where you can work through this.

Trudy

zippitippitoes · 19/10/2006 14:38

Your local council may also have a team in place to help as recent funding has been made availabe for this area..I know this is happening in Coventry for example

corrina28 · 19/10/2006 14:45

i think what ever you dd decides to do you have to make sure that she knows that you support her 100%, the last thing you want is for her to move out and move in with the lovely sounding boyf.

theUrbanDryad · 19/10/2006 15:13

have a look at this

i did a VERY quick google search and looked on the DWP site and i think she would be entitled to a surestart grant, but not sure. i think someone else mentioned connexions, they are brilliant, also your local Citizen's Advice.

i think you need to make it very clear to DD the legalities of having a termination, ie if she makes this choice now she CANNOT change her mind after 24 weeks.

good luck. it's a horrible situation. on the plus side you have 6 months or so to start planning.

Original poster
mummisery · 19/10/2006 20:47

Thanx urban i will take a look

OP posts:
winnie · 19/10/2006 23:06

mm, you've probably read it, and I hate being the bearer of bad news but the website ud linked to does state that pregnant under 16's don't get any benefits. Dd needs to be made aware of this

Kidstrack · 20/10/2006 09:22

Mm becuase my sister was under 16 my mum had to claim the Surestart grant and she also claimed the child benefit too, it was weird because my mum was claiming child benefit for her own daughter and then had to claim it for her grandaughter, My sister would then be given the £15 to go to the shops and get nappies and wipes, the good thing that my sisiter done at such a young age was breastfeed as this saved my mum buying baby milk.

Mojomummy · 20/10/2006 10:30

could you/she talk to someone about an abortion ? she is awfully young to have a baby...do you really think they will cope ?

Far better to abort then give up for adoption, IMO.

Babies are hard enough in your 30's, let alone your teens...

toiletrollmummy · 20/10/2006 10:33

hi ,
i fell pregnant with my dd1 when i was 14
if you need to talk then i dont mind answering any questions

ps. i am still here and surviving and yes i did keep her its not the end of the world (not ideal ) but you will get through this
hth

PeachyBobbingParty · 20/10/2006 10:37

The best mother I ever met had her first at 15, if that helps? She's amazing.

Ultimately it's up to your daughter what to do, but you can provide her with options and information. You could also help her access quality, independenta dvice- for example are renowned

I feel for you, it must be scary. But should she decide to keep this baby please remember that there are support services out there: child benefit for a start, and there is money available though I think it's complex for under 16's iirc.

I would start with a telephone call to your local surectart or CAB who can give you all the information on finances you need in one shot. Far simpler that way.

Please remember that once she is sorted, you need support too. A counsellor would be a good idea, I wills ee what i can find that's relevant but your GP would be a good start.

PeachyBobbingParty · 20/10/2006 10:40

good starting point for information

PeachyBobbingParty · 20/10/2006 10:41

(seems you will get WTC fif you are working)

Beccarolloveragain · 20/10/2006 10:48

I havent read the entire thread but just wanted to add that my little sister had my niece when she was 14.

We didnt find out until she was 32 weeks pregnant so no options available to us.

It was such a terrible shock. The father was in a young offenders institution when we found out.

Anyway, my DN will be 5 next Friday and is a total joy.

I was at the birth (as was my mum, who was deeply upset about her being pregnant but went to support her and is now glad she did as the bonding process started as she saw her being born)

My sister was in with a bad crowd when she got pregnant and was going off the rails. The baby actually seem to save her. She is a great mum, now lives on her own with her [new, nice] boyfriend.

She carried on her schooling and did 8 GCSEs and went on to do A Levels.

makemineadouble · 20/10/2006 19:41

I wanted to keep up with this thread as I have friend in same situation, but I'm away now for while, I feel so sad for you and your dd and your ds, I cant advise coz you know what I think (but thats me not you)

You are however getting some cracking support on this thread and without sounding cheesy this is when I think mn is at its best emotional support and practical advice too

sincere good wishes x

Original poster
mummisery · 20/10/2006 20:42

Thankyou so much for all your help and advice it is so nice to have some support.

Toiletrollmummy was your mum at home to help you?

Social services have been talking among themselves and reckon they are going to take baby off dd i just cant let that happen it will totally finish her after everything she has been through

OP posts:
Mojomummy · 20/10/2006 23:11

This has really been playing on my mind (I know, she's not my daughter, but how knows what can happen in 11 yrs)

Have you sat down with her & gone over her options. She has said she wants to keep it, has she said why ? It's a big old world out there, plenty of time to have a family I'm just thinking of all those opportunites she has ahead of her, which are going to be extinguished by this. It's a tough old world out there, at 14 she's really not old enough to look after herself, so can she really think she can look after a baby ? What about the father & his family ?

Perhaps as a family you could do some sort of list of options, putting everything in black & white does help & assuming it's early days, there is no pressure at the moment ? Hope you can work something out..

Original poster
mummisery · 20/10/2006 23:30

The father is a waste of space and has no family have had a chat with dd tonight and so has a good friend of hers who she really cares about so she is having a good think about things which is at least encouraging

OP posts:
dizzydesperatehousewife · 21/10/2006 00:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bigfatred · 21/10/2006 10:47

hi mm - hope dd had good coversations last night and glad she has got friends she can be honest with as well as you. has she been able to explain 'why' she wants this baby. how much of it is tied up with other things not going well for her? think you are absolutely right to go for the dad all guns blazing and his past is no excuse. is he still in touch with your dd or influencing her? does she think she can hold onto him if she has the baby? hope he's well and truly off the scene for all your sakes. and sorry, but other peoples views on abortion have no relevance to any decision that you and your dd may come to.

Mojomummy · 21/10/2006 11:42

I'm pro-life...your daughters life.

Thinking of you.

Original poster
mummisery · 21/10/2006 11:42

Bigfatred i dont believe in abortion either but my beliefs and anyone elses arent part of this decision i promise you that. I want whats best for my dd and i will support her what ever. She has had a rough four years and i would like her life to be happy. Ive told this guy to leave her alone and the police are on this as well.She doesnt love him doesnt want to be with him and i dont want him putting pressure on her.I dont believe that dd could cope with this maybe but thats just my opinion and based on the whole picture and knowing what she has been through.

OP posts:
winnie · 21/10/2006 13:03

mm, thanks for the email

You are a good judge (for want of a better word)of what your dd can deal with. And I can completely understand why you believe your dd could not cope with having a baby right now. She is still a child herself and a very troubled child at that. I am glad the police are doing something with regards to the xbf.

This is relentless for you and I know you have a lot on your plate but, if you can, please make a little time for you. You will be no use to dd, ds, your Dad or yourself if you don't look after yourself too {{{{}}}}

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