Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

When do you stop checking phones / messages?

163 replies

OccamsLadyshave · 03/01/2015 21:13

DD is 13 (Y8) and has today changed the password on her phone. Up to now I have had an occasional check of her messages (with her knowledge).

I know I could make her tell me - I pay for the phone and could shut it off any time. I'm just wondering whether to go down that route or let her have a bit of privacy?

When do you think is old enough to stop checking phones?

OP posts:
motherinferior · 03/01/2015 21:14

I've never checked my children's messages.

HotLipsHoulihan · 03/01/2015 21:14

My DD was about 15 when I stopped

It's not snooping. I couldn't have given a toss what was in her messages etc . It's nap being a parent and keeping her safe

circular · 03/01/2015 22:18

Always insisted on having laptop, phone, email and FB etc passwords. Understanding was, that if any changed without telling me, access would be removed. I would occasionally log on and check they had not been changed., but never, ever read anything. Felt it enough that DD1 knew I could. Stopped when DD1 (now 17) was 15.
DD2 is only 12, doesn't do much online messaging, but again, insist on having passwords.

ShotgunNotDoingThePans · 03/01/2015 22:23

To redress the balance a bit - I've never checked messages or had passwords (3 DCs aged between 19 & 13)

Original poster
OccamsLadyshave · 03/01/2015 22:30

Quite a mixed response! I suppose I should have known it would be contentious.

I think it was the right thing to let DD know I was checking when she got her first phone age 11. I think at that age they are still learning how to operate online.

She's never given me any cause for worry with her phone though, so I think I'll leave it for now, but just let her know that if I start to have concerns I might ask for her password again in the future.

OP posts:
Heyho111 · 04/01/2015 06:25

I've never checked them. I'm not sure why I would.

buttercupbear · 04/01/2015 06:46

Um, you don't! Unless you think there might be an actual problem not a made up one to snoop, and have reason to believe that there is. Confused

buttercupbear · 04/01/2015 06:48

Only the first post showed up when I was replying, I think the approach you're going to take is perfect, you're respecting her privacy but will be there if concerned Smile

bigTillyMint · 04/01/2015 09:29

I have never checked my DC's phone messages either.

I would want them to tell me if there was a problem that I could help with, which DD has done in the past.

NoLongerJustAShopGirl · 04/01/2015 09:32

I don't check, but I ask lots of questions, and we don't have gadgets (phone, iPad, laptop) upstairs etc.

SecretSquirrels · 04/01/2015 13:04

Mine got first phones at 11 and FB / other online stuff at 13. I told them at that point that I wanted to know their passwords and reserved the right to check up on what they were doing and that they should never post anything online they wouldn't be happy for me to see.
Once they were 13 I never actually did look though.

christmaspies · 04/01/2015 13:08

I've never checked although I'm a Facebook friend with my dad at her request so I have some idea of who her friends are and what she gets up to. I lurk rather than post though. I think it's her way of letting me know about her life snd keeping her safe to a degree

AnyFucker · 04/01/2015 13:08

It's a good job that when I got suspicious about the people my 14yo was communicating with that I checked her messages

she was getting bombarded with requests of a sexual explicit nature from older men she had been stupid enough to add to FB after a family holiday to a particular country

VegasIsBest · 04/01/2015 13:09

I don't check. You need to trust your kids.

NoLongerJustAShopGirl · 04/01/2015 13:13

those who are checking - you do realise they know almost instinctively how to create many accounts on many social networks and hide things in private sessions and remove cookies etc....

DD's best friend is "tightly regulated" - and her main facebook page monitored, but she has more than one facebook account that her mother does not know about.

SecretSquirrels · 04/01/2015 13:38

they know almost instinctively I love this assumption that our DC are born IT savvy Grin.
I have one who is a complete luddite and proud of it, much to my frustration. The other is skilled in the way you describe. yes you DS2, I know how many Twitter accounts you have

NoLongerJustAShopGirl · 04/01/2015 14:11

ok, MY children know tech stuff instinctively, through nurture I guess since both DH and I are computer geeks.

ContentedSidewinder · 04/01/2015 14:19

Aren't you wondering why she has changed the password? What is she hoping to hide?

I check ds1's phone he is 11 and in year 7. It is a good job I checked it as his new friend threatened suicide in a big long rant of messages that ds1 missed as he was asleep at the time they were sent and he only scanned the texts so didn't see the "would your life be different if I wasn't here" bit the next morning.

I informed the school immediately as I had no contact with the parents (am hating not knowing who he is hanging out with in the school day)

For me it is about keeping them safe, so yes I will check ds1's phone and if he changes the password, he loses the phone.

Bunbaker · 04/01/2015 14:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SecretSquirrels · 04/01/2015 14:25

DH and I are computer geeks
So are we but it's a case of cobbler's children I'm afraid. You can lead a horse to water.......

cheifbrody · 04/01/2015 17:37

Those of you who '' i have never checked my child's phone/messages/facebook, why would I''

ARE YOU STUPID?????

motherinferior · 04/01/2015 17:39

No, I'm extremely bright, actually. Since you ask.

DownstairsMixUp · 04/01/2015 17:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

cheifbrody · 04/01/2015 17:41

Bright................. say no more.

bigTillyMint · 04/01/2015 17:44

Grin at asking MI if she is stupid!

I must be stupid too.

And several others on this threadGrin