When do you stop checking phones / messages?

[OccamsLadyshave]

DD is 13 (Y8) and has today changed the password on her phone. Up to now I have had an occasional check of her messages (with her knowledge).

I know I could make her tell me - I pay for the phone and could shut it off any time. I'm just wondering whether to go down that route or let her have a bit of privacy?

When do you think is old enough to stop checking phones?

How does checking messages and phones actually help when kids can sanitise the content before you get to see it. When they have multiple facebook/twitter and other social media accounts which you do not even know about.

My DD's best friend had a facebook account "for friends only" which had some decidedly dodgy "friends" in - yes I told her mother - who was one of the other smug "Oh, I check her phone/messages so I know what she is up to" types.

Be involved all you like, but do not buy into the placebo effect of "oh, I check her phone, so she is safe".

And surely all kids know that even though we are old now, we were their age once, so know what they get up to! Never needed the internet for that.

I never checked my teenagers' phones.

Be involved all you like, but do not buy into the placebo effect of "oh, I check her phone, so she is safe".

I agree, but at least we are trying and not burying our heads in the sand because we think our children are perfect.

Those who check phones more than likely still talk to their kids and try to guide them other ways as well.

Those who do not in my opinion are probably the ones that do not know where they are half the time or who with [ and sigh yes i know they could lie about that as well]

Just check your kids once in a while because I do not want you to wish you had...

Those who check phones more than likely still talk to their kids and try to guide them other ways as well.

Sorry disagree,if you have the sort of relationship that they can and will talk to you,then you dont need to check phones,facebook etc as if anythings wrong they will already have told you.

Not necessarily.................... 1sassylassy

I think that is just a really naive approach 1sassy - do you honestly think that all teenagers will tell their parents everything - even when they have a great relationship?

How often, even on Mumsnet, do we hear the same shocked comments 'I never thought it would happen to my family'.

Sorry not naive at all,it worked with mine,they all knew they could talk to me about anything,there may have been times I went a bit white and had to sit down for a bit but Ive never checked their phone or social media and theyve all grown up to be well adjusted adults.

My teens (15 and 14) have chosen not to have phones because they think that they lead to trouble. They both have laptops though, and no we don't have their passwords, never had (before they had their own machines they had profiles on the family Mac). I do have the passcodes for their ipods, and dd does use hers for messaging friends, but I've never felt the need to look.

When they were younger and more naive they were only able to use the computer in our living room so easily observable, plus the only time when dd got into a tricky situation online she came straight to us, and together we worked out a solution, composed statements to make, closed accounts, rang parents, went to school, talked to the school police liaison person etc (another kid was being bullied). She knows that we have her back regardless of whatever trouble she might get into, so we are fairly sure she will come to us if she needs help. Plus she is pretty robust online, refuses to be friends with people she doesn't really know and like, uses pseudonyms etc.

ds doesn't use social media really, just skype and steam when he is gaming, and he only talks about gaming so not terribly interesting.

They are both geeks and if they choose to do dodgy things they could do them perfectly easily without us knowing, and to be honest I am sure that they will. They've had lots of education about exposure, and as there have been two teen suicide deaths very widely publicised in the country where we live, and two older boys prosecuted for sharing pictures of semi-naked ex-girlfriends they are well aware of what can go wrong.

Ragwort I agree with you, I very much doubt my children will tell me everything. In fact I don't think that they should. However knowing that why do people imagine that their children - especially when they are teens - will willingly hand over all the passwords to every social media account they own, and not think 'hmm mum and dad don't need to know about x, I'll just set up a new account for that'. It takes all of a few seconds and has no cost.

Those who check phones more than likely still talk to their kids and try to guide them other ways as well.

I disagree with that as well - people who check phones tend to think that that is it sometimes, job done.

Kids won't tell their parents everything - did we?
I know my kids are not perfect, we keep the lines of communication open, I try to guide them through by talking about stuff rather than the draconian "I must have your password and access to your phone" which leads them to hide stuff anyhow.

I check my kids all the time - and tend to know where they, and all their friends - are because they are usually all in our dining room eating us out of house and home, composing songs and singing and playing rock music REALLY badly... as teenagers do..

nooka..

what you went through was sorted some kids would not tell their parents though..........

Another circle thread .. some do some don't, some will get into trouble some won't.

I would rather air on the side of caution.

"agree, but at least we are trying and not burying our heads in the sand because we think our children are perfect."

I don't think my children are perfect. I do think that if there is anything they don't want me to see on any of their various devices, they will make sure I don't see it. So what's the point of me checking it? There won't be anything there. So I concentrate on keeping channels of communication open. And keeping my fingers crossed.

yep, ds1 is 15 & I check, but he has been stupid in the past & had his phone & laptop etc removed.
Now I check but without his knowledge.

He does talk to me about most things but after being really stupid & making arrangements to meet someone he'd met on "hot or not" I don't really trust his judgement. His hormones seem to rule his brain at the moment. He really didn't believe that this 15 yr old girl could really be a 45 yr old perv as in his words, they'd been talking for ages.
This is a "bright lad" who has had internet safety lessons at school & lectures from us.
Turned out she was a 15 yr old girl & her parents were just as horrified but you never know!

Mine isn't old old enough but if she was she wouldn't be allowed to use it until maybe 14 plus. My job shows me the reason why young girls especially (Aswell as boys) need to be monitored when it comes to social media. I have seen girls as young as 12 who have been groomed on the internet and have had very bad things happen to them. I know we all want to trust our kids, and we like to think they are clever and everything else but a 12 year old child does not have the mental capacity to deal with situations I hear of every day, it's very easy for grooming to start and of course THEY WILL NOT TELL YOU ONCE DRAWN IN. Each to their own but my child will be told about the dangers of the internet as soon as I feel she is old enough, and I will tell her every day until she has the awareness and capacity to understand without my guidance. I see too many destroyed little girls to allow it to happen to mine.

If you don't allow social media until 14 your child will be socially isolated. Like it or not, that is how they live their lives now. The consequences of that can be far reaching. Obviously not in the same league as the consequences you talk about, but still worthy of consideration.

I check if I am worried. I have checked my 17 YOs (genuine concerns about her relationship). I always remember a lady that said she wished she had checked her DD messages as she could have saved her life. Her daughter thought she was meeting a boy but it was a killer.

Checked DD's phone when she was in year 7 and managed to stop a massive bullying campaign with the help of her school. Not checked much after that, because she had clearly seen how damaging the Internet could be. The following year I was called into school, because she had sent a friend a holiday picture of herself in a bikini and it had gone viral, resulting in a sixth form boy from another school getting a serious disciplinary (and I dread to think how far that picture travelled). Another long talk about Internet safety from me and the school. She's 15 now, I have all her passwords and never look. I am a facebook friend, but I know she also has snapchat, Instagram, Twitter and who knows what else. Laptop was allowed upstairs when she started year 11 and same for overnight phone.

Privacy is important, but so is safety.

The interesting thing about 'trust' is that my parents DIDN'T trust me when I was a teenager and I still resent them for it. (no social media at that time though)

I had my head screwed on very firmly, worked hard at school and wanted to do well -- and yet they still seemed convinced that if I so much as looked at a boy or listened to a pop song I would become pregnant, fail all my exams and somehow become a totally different person.

It got better after I was about 16, but I was always determined to give my children credit for good sense and shrewdness, and keep the lines of communication open.

I repeat. Why do people think their children wouldn't hide/delete any messages they don't want them to say? Or have accounts parents do!mt know about? If I was a teen with something to hide (or even without something to hide) I would make sure my parents only ever saw the most vanilla side of my social media presence.

Because not all children are devious like you Hakluyt. Some are just naive.

Agree with Bunbaker - yes, some children might be very tech savvy and know how to hide messages but equally some children are naive and just don't realise that inappropriate messages/photos etc are just that ........... inappropriate. One of my DS's school friends was sending unpleasant comments to girls, his mum saw the messages and was able to have a frank chat with the boy about why the words he was using were so unsuitable. He did seem to be genuinely sorry and hopefully the problem won't happen again - of course it might, but at least the parents are aware of it and not thinking to themselves 'my DS is an angel and would never do anything like that'.

What about the children who are receiving inappropriate messages but, as another poster said further up, just don't realise that they are being groomed or bullied?

Bunbaker just read your post - I too am now going through the same with my daughter aged 13...2 friends alerted the school to Instagram postings re suicidal thoughts and self harming...and yes found out she had two id's...friends on Facebook, talk all the time, would consider us to be close but my god knocked the wind out of me....read all the posts and sobbed...deep deep stuff. She does not know I have iPad passcode and keep checking...school have been fab and already seen a counsellor (v lucky) - outwardly very happy, singing around the house, playing with her sister, watching telly with us but inwardly some very very dark thoughts...thank god for her friends - so yes, I would check phones/iPads whatever - you just never never know. At this moment in time I am so petrified I cannot explain

I don't think it's right to check children messages, they need to have a sense of privacy and trust, knowing they can talk without worrying if parents will read it. parents should have a strong enough trust with their children that they can be free to speak to their friends without someone snooping.
Parents reading childrens conversations will probably find something they didn't want to hear, but not understand because it's been taken out of context and they don't understand the full story.
If they're old enough to have a phone, they should be trusted enough to text when they want and be responsible with it.

I was groomed heavily and later blackmailed by a man in his late thirties when I was about 13 until I was 15. My dad was very protective but didn't check well enough- I wish he had of, because I wouldn't have gotten into the mess I did. It's not always about trusting your children, it's about not trusting everyone else to care about your children like you do! I was a sensible kid but i did this really, really stupid thing because of him which still affects me today- relationships, friendships, everything.