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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

When do you stop checking phones / messages?

163 replies

OccamsLadyshave · 03/01/2015 21:13

DD is 13 (Y8) and has today changed the password on her phone. Up to now I have had an occasional check of her messages (with her knowledge).

I know I could make her tell me - I pay for the phone and could shut it off any time. I'm just wondering whether to go down that route or let her have a bit of privacy?

When do you think is old enough to stop checking phones?

OP posts:
chiefbrody · 04/01/2015 18:36

corrected my name............... lol........ been on here for ages, nobody including me noticed.

smug thinks like me everybody else can do as they wish of course.........

Just like every mn thread some do some don't.

Bunbaker · 04/01/2015 18:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

motherinferior · 04/01/2015 18:43

Yes, Bunbaker, but your situation was different from automatic policing. You had a specific situation which overrode your DD's right to privacy.

I did masses of stuff as a teenager my parents never knew about and I'm quite sure my daughters will too, but that doesn't give me the automatic right to screen their phone messages (they're not on FB). I am extremely nosy and I'd love to read them but that's not the point.

motherinferior · 04/01/2015 18:46

(And of course we'd noticed the misspelling. We were however too polite to point it out.)

chiefbrody · 04/01/2015 18:49

Surely, the point is just to keep them safe, life is so different now to when I was growing up............ The mobile phone was not even a thought in my head or the internet.

We did not have a home phone until I was about 14.

Life is very different and does your children's school not tell you to keep an eye on internet access and phones.

Or do you really close your eyes and just not bother.

chiefbrody · 04/01/2015 18:49

Too polite until I disagreed with you.

MrsJacksonAvery · 04/01/2015 18:55

I'm a pastoral head at a high school. My DD is too small for a phone yet, but I will absolutely check her messages when she's older, til I can trust that she would come to me if she was sent anything inappropriate. You wouldn't believe what yr7/8s show me that is sent to them - they are often too worried to tell parents or don't know how to tell them.

motherinferior · 04/01/2015 18:56

Till you were rude. And frankly the insistence that we are all thick/ignorant/naive/indifferent parents is still quite rude.

What on earth do you mean by 'bright ...I rest my case' anyway?

MrsSchadenfreude · 04/01/2015 18:57

I don't close my eyes, of course not. DD2 only has access to the computer at home in the sitting room, so no privacy (wifi doesn't work in her bedroom). She spends much of her time on Minecraft and Skype with her friends, all of whom we know. On the one occasion we heard a deep, male voice on Minecraft, we asked her who it was. It was her friend's elder brother (the mother confirmed this). Computer time is very limited at her boarding school and all social media seems to be booked. She has no wifi connection in her bedroom at school, and her phone doesn't work there either.

We can't police her life, but we can go as far as we can to make sure that she knows not to send photos of her tits to anyone, and not to speak to, or friend anyone she doesn't know. I hope that we have done this.

chiefbrody · 04/01/2015 19:02

True you cannot police her life when at boarding school. All is clear now you do not check her phone because she is not there.

chiefbrody · 04/01/2015 19:03

Sorry you are not thick, just not there.

Hakluyt · 04/01/2015 19:11

The deal I had with my DS was that her passwords were in a sealed envelope pinned to the notice board in her room. Which meant that if anything bad happened I could access her social media thingys, but not routinely. Apart from that I saw no need to check.

MrsSchadenfreude · 04/01/2015 19:12

She is here from Friday to Sunday, and all school holidays, so has been here for the past month. I have not felt any inclination to check her phone during this time, nor did I before she went to boarding school. I did, on one occasion, hack into her FB account when she was at her last school, to see if she was part of a group who had been online bullying. She was not.

So I am here, and am not thick. Smile And at least I can spell my username correctly.

bigTillyMint · 04/01/2015 19:23

Ooh, MrsS, you know how to hack into FB accounts? Sounds a useful skillWink

chiefbrody · 04/01/2015 19:24

I only have your word you have spelt your user name correctly....... I did laugh when I looked at it.

MrsSchadenfreude · 04/01/2015 19:28

Well if you're that interested, you could google it...

Picturesinthefirelight · 04/01/2015 19:43

Dd gas a phone, facebook & instagram account on condition I know all passwords & I check regularly.

I will stop checking when I no longer find things that concern me. Dd is 13, fairly gullible. She has posted information on blog websites I made her take down & she has been the victim of text bullying

She has tried to create alternate email accounts but I found the quite easily. I log into her facebook regularly to monitor activity.

It's all part of keeping her safe.

Picturesinthefirelight · 04/01/2015 19:46

It is very possible to monitor activity when a child is at boarding school. I just check get facebook, emails & instagram from home. Texts are harder but I can see what numbers she is texting from the bills.
They are not allowed to use school computers for social media.

chiefbrody · 04/01/2015 19:47

You got it pictures KEEPING THEM SAFE.

I cannot believe I am having this debate, I thought everybody would be monitoring social media used by minors.

SnakeyMcBadass · 04/01/2015 19:53

Ds (14) knows that if we ask to look, he has to oblige. But I have never looked through his phone. Did catch him using my PayPal account to access in game content, though, so you bet your arse I get a weekly website report.

Picturesinthefirelight · 04/01/2015 19:53

When I was her age I woud write angst ridden teen poetry & stories in a notebook or diary.

Now teens post it in blog/vlog sites with too much info about themselves & it's there forever.

They need guidance.

Maddaddam · 04/01/2015 20:28

I never check my dds' phones (they are 14 and 13, (and 10 but she doesn't have a phone). I tend to trust my dc til they prove themselves untrustrworthy, which they haven't yet.

I have occasionally logged into their facebook accounts in the past, they know I know the password and don't mind, I told them (which was the truth) that I trust them to be sensible, but not all their friends and it was just to keep an eye on things at the start of facebook-use.

I used to be really angry that my father didn't trust us to be sensible (my siblings and I were all perfectly sensible teens). We talk a lot about online sense, privacy etc.

Hakluyt · 04/01/2015 21:42

"
I cannot believe I am having this debate, I thought everybody would be monitoring social media used by minors."

Explain why?

FriendlyLadybird · 04/01/2015 23:38

I don't check what my DS is doing on social media (he's 13). I know he posts on Reddit and writes fan fiction (both under a pseudonym that I got within three guesses). He was planning to open a facebook account but I don't think he has yet and, in any case, he has agreed that my DSD (25) will be a friend, and that I will be listed as a family member. I know that DSD will alert us if she sees anything remotely suspicious.

I know that he's sensible and very sharp. Like Maddaddam, we talk a lot about online safety, what's safe to post, etc.

Fool4u · 05/01/2015 00:52

I am friends/follow my 14yr old dd on fb/Instagram/twitter/sc etc & am "friends" with quite a lot of her friends too. It gives me a snapshot of what's going on for them all...usually just angst about boys & GCSEs.. I know that most of her heartfelt stuff is done by direct messaging & rightly so.. I'm lucky I have a good relationship with her boyfriend & he talks to me quite openly & I know I'd get it from him if something was wrong with her, even if she doesn't want to share stuff with me. I've snooped on her messages once, when she left her account open & quite frankly I wish I hadnt (teenage love talk!) having said all that if I thought she was remotely vulnerable or being bullied, or open to being targeted by older boys/men I would have no qualms about invading her privacy if it meant protecting her