When do you stop checking phones / messages?

[OccamsLadyshave]

DD is 13 (Y8) and has today changed the password on her phone. Up to now I have had an occasional check of her messages (with her knowledge).

I know I could make her tell me - I pay for the phone and could shut it off any time. I'm just wondering whether to go down that route or let her have a bit of privacy?

When do you think is old enough to stop checking phones?

I think if a 13 year old found out you were checking their messages then that would cause a major argument. Bad idea!!! x

Not if you are upfront about it

Dd knows that a condition of her having a smartphone /laptop is that I can access her messages.

I've never checked the DSs phones or messages although I do know their passwords (ftw they also know mine!) We've had many many talks about acceptable internet and text behaviour and they know me well enough to know that if they ever crossed the line in that regard, they'd lose it all. So far they've never given me any reason not to trust them. Obviously if I was put in the same situation as Bunbaker, then different rules would apply, but atm I know them and I know what they're like and there's no need.

Things might be different with DD however - she's more social and more inclined to go along with a group and imo more likely to do something on the spur of the moment without thinking of the consequences.

I parent according to the needs of my very individual children. I'd imagine most people do.

No it would not cause major arguments if you are upfront in the first place.

My kids were simply not allowed any FB or anything else until they turned 13 and only then with the proviso we had their passwords so we could check whenever we deemed neccessary.

I'm always slightly amused at how many parents say they 'trust' their children; I am sure the parents of children who have wild parties when they are away felt they 'trusted' their children; I am sure my own parents felt they 'trusted' me when I was growing up but of course I got up to all sorts of mischief behind their backs (fortunately no mobile phones in those days ). My friend felt she could 'trust' her DD but she ended up stealing from visitors to their home & had to warn us to keep valuables with us at all times. What about the parents of children who bully or send inappropriate photographs to each other - some of those parents will have the same values as you and I.

Part of growing up is 'pushing the boundaries' - I hope I have raised my DS to behave in the 'right' way, but there's no way I believe 100% that I can 'trust' him all the time.

So what do you suggest, Ragwort? Police everything they do? How does that work?

Elder.three madhting 15, 12 and 10 have phones, the do.get checked, just randomly we will ask.for their phones. But what is more.important imo is keeping.communication open, making.sure.they know they can always talk to.us and discussing Internet safety, issues with messages etc.

No, of course not, but that's one of the reasons we (or rather DH) does check our DS's phone occasionally (randomy, as 5madthings says) and I personally feel it's just not possible to 'trust' your child to always do the right thing.

Keeping communication going with the kids is definitely the most important thing - there are so many different ways to subvert the parent checking that it is just like a placebo that keeps mum and dad happy and off your back, but you still do what you like anyhow.

I started teaching my daughter about internet safety at the same time I started teaching her about RL safety. Most of the rules are more or less the same anyway.
I happen to know that she uses a pseudonym online, and (as I do) will randomly lie about personal details.

One of the conditions of her having any social media at the age of 11 (she wasn't allowed any prior to that, even if 'all' her friends did, and still didn't get Facebook until she was 13 - their rules, I was just enforcing them) was that not just me, but also my mother, had her passwords and the right to check at any time. I rarely did.
She went to live with her dad when she was 14, he didn't allow her any social media access so she learned to go behind his back.
In my opinion, no 13 year old has any need for a smart phone - and Daughter still doesn't want one at 18.

i don't know, in the 2 years I havent had a laptop, i used my phone to watch films, use emails, search the net. you name it my phone can do it.
i don't have a TV of my own so I use my phone to watch everything on. Mainly law & order, criminal minds stuff like that. they never go onto the next episode on the telly so I had to watch them somewhere! now I have my laptop, that's my TV.

My mum and dad never checked any of my online accounts (been on Social Media since I was 10 in 2003) because they respected my privacy and never had any reason to check.

I think any parents who check are just looking for a reason to snoop, unless there is a genuine concern (bullying, etc.)

I friend dd on facebook and had to tell her/remind her gently to curb her language - she seems to forget that she friended her gran, granny, aunties,cousins etc and used her "with friends" type talk on some facebook posts... OMG you should have heard the family reaction... to an "OMFG".

Kids don't always "self regulate" to start with, but when they do realise that they can upset others they tend to rein it in a bit - I think that early stage is where parental checking can help a lot - they don't always realise they are talking to people outside their target audience.

Be as 'slightly amused' as you like Ragwort. I'll trust my children, you distrust yours. That's all fine, different family dynamics I guess.

That's good MrsDmitri and I genuinely hope your children live up to your trust. My personal experience is because of some very sad, challenging and difficult situations that arose in my extended family which is perhaps why I am over cautious.

My teens have had a lot of education about internet dangers and sensible behaviour at school. And, like Motherinferior's dds, they are quite shocked that I sometimes go and meet strangers I met on the internet (Mumsnet meetups, etc). They worry that I'm being naive.

In fact I think they suspect that the whole of Mumsnet is some dodgy site which draws in unwary middle aged women who don't really understand that you're not supposed to witter on about your personal life on an internet forum, and then merrily go off to meet random "Mumnsetters" in a pub.

I love the line '' i trust my children so i do not need to check''

but if they were meeting some random nutter that gave them money, they would not tell you would they?

You have to keep an eye on them, it is just basic parenting.

If they were meeting some random person (refuse to use your word) that gave them money it could just as easily be a random person they met on the way to/from school, on the bus, in town of a weekend as someone they "met" on their phone/facebook.

(the phone and facebook that can easily be sanitised pre parental checking)

Chiefbrodie- explain to us how you "keep an eye on them"

Indeed they could meet the stranger on the way home from school and you would know nothing about it, but if the stranger left a message on their phone and you checked it you would know..

simples

Just use your brain hakluyt or go to a parenting class, but for gods sake do something.

I don't at any age. And don't put parental controls on computers etc.

if the stranger left a message on their phone and they read it and deleted it, and emptied the waste basket how, exactly, would you know?

"Just use your brain hakluyt or go to a parenting class, but for gods sake do something"

Like what? If they are doing anything they shouldn't be doing presumably they will delete the evidence immediately. Or set up accounts I don't know about.

I would rather work on building a relationship where I hope to God they would tell me if they were in trouble, and where they arent't the sort of people who would bully or intimidate anyone. Obviously I can't even begin to guarantee I've done that,but I don't see how policing their social media is going to help.........

Of course nothing is 100% guaranteed to stop children being bullied or becoming bullies, meeting up with strangers etc but if a child goes missing isn't one of the first things the Police do is check the mobile phone records etc to see who they are communicating with?

Yes of course some really savvy youngsters will know all about deleting records etc but sometimes there can be clues on phone records.

I am laughing sadly at the naiveity of the posters who 'trust' their children so much.
I and other straight A students at school had relatively open and frank dialogue with our parents about what went on at school regarding sex/gossip/who's doing what. Our parents, all average middle class lefties trusted us not to be stupid and didn't check our phones or Internet conversations.
Out of our group, one girl met up numerous times with random men she met on the net, and had two very dodgy experiences with them pressuring her into sex. One of them was messaging a family friend of her fathers who was 12 years older than her, sexually explicit messages. Another would bring boys back to her house after various messaging on msn and text, and unfortunately got a horrible reputation for being a 'slag' as go the nasty double standards around boys and girls experimenting. Parents were extremely naive and some stuff that we used to do was beyond awful, although none of our mums and dads would have a clue because..they didn't check our phones or msn messenger conversations.
I have two dds and will definitely be checking their phones in the future to keep them safe. It makes fuck all difference, quite frankly, if your children are 'great kids' or have an open relationship with you. They will still be doing stuff you won't know about that could endanger them, unless you keep tabs on them. The smug parents in the group of friends were the ones kicking themselves for not being more involved in the first place. Teens and pre teens are naive, inexperienced and think they know everything, and they ultimately need guidance and to be monitored.