When do you stop checking phones / messages?

[OccamsLadyshave]

DD is 13 (Y8) and has today changed the password on her phone. Up to now I have had an occasional check of her messages (with her knowledge).

I know I could make her tell me - I pay for the phone and could shut it off any time. I'm just wondering whether to go down that route or let her have a bit of privacy?

When do you think is old enough to stop checking phones?

Those of you who 'check' - how does this work in practice ?
Do you ask for the devices every day and scroll through every app - facebook, snap chat, twitter, texts and emails? This could be time consuming !
Secondly I would imagine any teen who has stuff to hide if they know you are 'checking ' would delete anything incriminating.
I can see it might work for some , but not me.
Better to work on communication and education with teens, monitor their behaviour and moods closely , and for younger teens keep them off line after hours.

My Son is 12 and I have all his passwords and log on information. Our deal is he proves to me I can trust him 100%, and the rains will become loosened in time and in line with that trust.

It is a shame that so many people do not have a single clue what their children are up to on social media. I have seen some awful things written by some 'lovely children' whose parents 'trust them profusely'.

I am also not naive to thinking that perhaps my Son wouldn't be quite so squeaky clean without my close either either!! haha

eye even!!! Multi-task FAIL!

I've never checked their messages. Why would you? Do you also ask them to tell you everything anyone says to them during the day? Do you ask them who looked at them during the day? Do you check who they walked past during the day?

If they are old enough to have phones/communication devices, and you have spoken to them about keeping personal details private when speaking to people you haven't met online, then they are old enough to have some privacy and independence from you.

What Dumbledoresgirl said.

DD has shown me stuff in the past.

I check mine - not 15y/o though.

It's incredibly important that kids are safe, I work at a school and work closely with the school's pastoral team, and know the dangers that children are exposed to with unmonitored access.

Often they aren't even aware they're in difficulty. We have kids being groomed and it's all found out too late, because no-one was bothering to check what these children are doing.

I find it incredible that some parents give their (say) 12 y/o child un-monitored and in restricted internet access, but if that same child asked if they could... go to an event alone. (lets say, going to a local, small-scale music festival) They would say no way, or you have to go with a friend, or text me when you're there. You'd want to know times and dates, etc.

But no problem with alloiwng them to use skype/whatsapp/snapchat/whatever and have NO CLUE as to what they're doing? Seems ridiculous to me.

dumbledore that's not really comparable - passers by are different. However you might ask them, who is this person you've been meeting up with so often? Or where is it you're going this afternoon and who with?

You'd ask because you need to know your kids are safe.

Sure as they get older, you won't know every detail, and I wouldn't expect to to know every tiny thing, but at 13, I would expect to know where my child is and who they are with.

To me, that's what people are doing when they monitor their children's phone/internet access. Not being nosy, or restrictive, just making sure they're safe etc

I have had the same experience as both littleolwinedrinkerme & Bunbaker
I have always know her passwords. So last summer when DD1 (14) left her ipod on the dining table , I thought i would do a cursory check because it was unlike her to leave it lying around.

I am SO glad I checked. She was self harming and had got herself trapped with some really dark thoughts. It was heartbreaking to read what she was going through, and what websites and chat rooms are out there which encouraged these feelings. Suicide sites and self harming chat rooms which made my heart break and tore our world apart.

This is a child who has everything going for her, she's beautiful, talented, articulate, has an amazing friendship group and a family who love her dearly. Yet it so very nearly went so disastrously awry.

We were one of those families who thought it would never happen to my child. But it did. And thank god I picked up her ipod that day.

I am testament to the fact that if your child tells you each day she is fine and dandy, it's not always to be taken at face value

My younger daughter (age 15) left her Tumblr open on my iphone, and I saw that she was posting pictures with a Lolita theme and sharing pictures/ideas about older men. I did intervene and tell her to take them all down and that she was sending out signals that suggested she was asking to be coerced. She did, and she knew I was very worried and not cross with her but cross with the world of creepy people out there. I have no way of knowing that she isn't doing anything so unwise again, I jokingly say 'are you safe online?' when I offer her cups of tea, but the problem is that I have also intervened with her older sister by reading private texts and FB messages and I wish I hadn't. Because it caused a terrible rift and the older sister now feels her privacy was betrayed (which it was). So my ambivalent answer here is that I think it's hard to get it right. And maybe schools should be teaching more about this stuff, and getting older teens to mentor younger ones and sharing the mistakes they've made. The people who give the best perspective on this are those in their early to mid 20s who grew up with the internet and are more savvy. I don't know. We definitely need some better conversations about this stuff.

All electronics have to be handed in half an hour before bedtime. I have dds gmail instagram & facebook installed on my phone & I check them every week or so

I have found things that she didn't realise we're wrong (professionally taken photos of one her school friends used as the cover illustration for a fan fiction book & rants about people/incidents that could cause trouble. )

I have passwords and unlock codes and used them occasionally when dd14 first got her phone and fb. I don't check now although she will show me stuff if she's uneasy or unsure. I think the knowing I could if I wanted to keeps her in check.

Snapchat is the one you dont want your kids to have. Untraceable and unretrievable even by police. Posing real problems with cyber bullying and grooming.

don't check them unless there is a concern

you can't monitor conversations when they speak it isn't fair to read messages between friends