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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

When do you stop checking phones / messages?

163 replies

OccamsLadyshave · 03/01/2015 21:13

DD is 13 (Y8) and has today changed the password on her phone. Up to now I have had an occasional check of her messages (with her knowledge).

I know I could make her tell me - I pay for the phone and could shut it off any time. I'm just wondering whether to go down that route or let her have a bit of privacy?

When do you think is old enough to stop checking phones?

OP posts:
sweetsundaefortwo · 05/01/2015 10:30

I checked DS facebook once (he could have it on agreement I knew password and could check, he said he 'needed' it to keep in contact with his dads side of family who all live overseas........)

Anyway, I checked once when he was 11 and found a FB message from a boy who turned out to be 14 saying that he was going to break DSs nose. I was so upset DS hadn't told me, he said it was because it didn't bother him... The parents of that child were informed

NoLongerJustAShopGirl · 05/01/2015 11:19

It can be a mistake to assume that the facebook they friend you on is their only facebook account. Most kids of my daughter's group have a facebook account for family and a little friend stuff, and another that is strictly friends only - with stupid names made up from characters in animé/bands etc... (so they hope we can't find them - cos obviously we never hid stuff from our parents at their age...)

pandora987 · 05/01/2015 13:10

My DD 12 proudly told me she'd changed her password on her phone, then 2 days later insisted on showing me what it was !! (Must admit, I'd already had a surreptitious glance over her shoulder and seen it anyway) I check her Facebook and messages but so far all innocent school girl stuff. But I'll keep looking until she's a grown up! They are so unaware of any internet dangers... But tbh if anyone unknown was looking at her Facebook page or Instagram they would die of boredom with the drivel they put on it..

MrsSchadenfreude · 05/01/2015 16:30

"They are so unaware of internet dangers."

They don't have to be. You need to make sure they know about what can happen. There is plenty of stuff on youtube about stranger danger.

Hakluyt · 05/01/2015 16:45

Are they really unaware? My children have had loads of teaching about it at school. Obviously the real danger is going to meet someone in real life- and presumably they've been hearing about that since babyhood?

motherinferior · 05/01/2015 16:53

Mine spend their time warning me about meeting Dodgy Women I Met On The Internet

bigTillyMint · 05/01/2015 16:54
Grin
bigTillyMint · 05/01/2015 16:55

Zachary, Had!

Hakluyt · 05/01/2015 16:55

I do sometimes wonder what "anything can happens" happen that I don't know about.............

bigTillyMint · 05/01/2015 16:55

Exactly!

motherinferior · 05/01/2015 16:58

Out of interest I went and asked my daughters about personal messages, sites with other people on them, personal details etc. They looked at me as if I were a complete idiot (which obviously according to a number of posters on this thread I am, of course) and said no way were they giving out that kind of info, they'd had lesson after lesson about it, etc etc. They're actually far more careful about that kind of thing than I am. Hence the comment above (when I'd said don't blame me if someone claiming to be Zayne Malik turned out to be a hairy-handed mass murderer).*

*This was a joke, btw. In case anyone thinks I'm that uncaring.

GraysAnalogy · 05/01/2015 16:58

Haven't got to that stage yet but I won't be doing anyway

My mum never checked my phone and I'm glad she afforded me that privacy.

Ragwort · 05/01/2015 17:07

Well, I genuinely am thick because I wouldn't know how to check someone else's phone Grin.

My DH does check our DS's phone occasionally, I think it's fine to check, we've all heard horror stories about inappropriate behaviour and although it's easy to say 'I trust my kids completely blah blah blah' I would rather be seen as slightly nosey than 'respect their privacy' and then goodness knows what might happen. And I speak as someone whose close relatives got into all sorts of trouble on line whilst their parents 'respected their privacy'. Sad

Hakluyt · 05/01/2015 17:14

"goodness knows what might happen"

What????????????

Ragwort · 05/01/2015 17:27

Bullying - or being bullied.
Meeting up with unsuitable people.
Sharing inappropriate photographs.
Sending (or being sent) malicious messages.
Getting involved with drug dealing, stealing, prostitution ......

You might like to think that would never happen to your children, but it can and does and I don't want to fall into the trap of thinking my child is an angel and would never get involved in anything like that. As I said, this has happened to the child of someone I am close to and if phones had been checked the parent might have been aware of it earlier and helped to prevent some of what followed ......... which went on to involve police, social services and years of problems.

But, like so many subjects on Mumsnet there is no 'compromise' situation here - either you check occasionally or you don't - we all parent differently & thanks goodness for that or else we'd have nothing to discuss on Mumsnet Smile.

Hakluyt · 05/01/2015 19:37

None of those things are exclusive or even mainly confined to social media.........

Picturesinthefirelight · 05/01/2015 20:02

You can make a child aware of the many dangers all you like but if that child has a particularly gullible personality IT won't make a jot of difference.

We have the added issues that dd attends a schools that is fairly unique & easily traced, dh is a teacher at that school so she has to be aware of what is out there publicly & she has aspergers so has a distorted sense of what is socially acceptibke & she can't see people may not be who they say they are.

Within one week of her having a mobile phone she received horrible, anonymous threatening texts from someone at her old primary school. The perpetrators were in Year 5!!!! & Year 7.

MrsDiesel · 05/01/2015 20:05

My children are too young for phones etc yet but surely they will just delete anything they don't want you to see?

Bunbaker · 05/01/2015 20:26

Reading the various responses on here it is obvious that children are all so very different and so are parents, so there is no single answer that fits all scenarios.

Bunbaker · 05/01/2015 20:26

That was a boring reply wasn't it!

MrsSchadenfreude · 05/01/2015 20:56

I think it is important to get your child to have appropriate independence as young as possible, so that by the time they hit secondary school age, they are a bit more savvy than a child who has not been allowed to do anything without a parent. Ours were allowed to walk home from the school bus in primary (aged 9 and 11), busy main road in big city, about 5 minutes, but quite safe, as had crossing points. From that they progressed to going to visit friends in different parts of the city and in the suburbs, on the train/bus/metro on their own. They had phones with them, and knew to call when they had arrived, to sit with other people, near women or a family. This helps, I think, with maturity and boundaries, and read across to internet stuff.

DD2 is 13, but very tall and looks about 17. She said when she was coming home the other day on the bus, a boy of about 17 kept pestering her and asking for her number. Her response was "I'm 13. That's the only number you need to know." She was quite unfazed by it, but was concerned that he might follow her home, so went past her stop and into Tesco (as she had been told to do), called me, and I went and collected her from there.

NewYearNewBrie · 06/01/2015 14:30

my mum never checked and she trusted us. I also will not check. it's called trust and a bit of privacy. I'd have been gutted if my mum went through my texts and such. i'd have felt very betrayed.
however if something happened (meetings and such) I would check.

Cerisier · 06/01/2015 15:49

I don't check DD16's phone or laptop but I do feel twitchy as there is an awful lot going on out there over phone messages, FB, Tumblr, Whatsapp, Snapchat etc. I hear about some stuff but I'm aware it will be the tip of an iceberg.

Hakluyt I like your idea of a sealed envelope with passwords in being kept in her room for use in an emergency. I'm going to talk to DD about that.

Cooroo · 06/01/2015 23:48

I'm another who never checked DD's phone. We are FB friends - and I think it's her only one as she and her friends are all very active on it.

If she was a different child i might have felt the need, but she's always shared what's going on in her life so I didn't feel it was necessary to look at her phone.

MerryMo · 07/01/2015 00:17

Am mum of 2 teens. 16 and 13. I dont check 16yo anymore but do 13yo.

I check from time to time. I cba to read the crap messages they send to each other discussing dull whatever.

However, what I am looking for is inappropiate picture and messages from people not similar in age and inapropiate content.

I keep very close tabs on the security settings. My kids are set pretty tight but have friends with public profiles!!

Sadly, I can recall several incidents involving both my dc friends have been inappropiately messaged/friend requested by strange men. 2 cases of police involvement. I know of friends DC who have arranged to meet strangers in towns and these kids are lovely, not what I would class secretive etc etc

Teenagers are still learning and think they know it all! They will push the boundaries. It makes me uncomfortable to think of my DC doing so but I will be bloody naive to think they never have nor never will. Ofcourse they may have secret FB,instagram etc accounts all over the place but that does not mean I shouldnt bother to keep one eye on the accounts I know they do have.

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