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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

16 year old and money towards keep

268 replies

Faithope · 03/01/2015 17:39

Hi, so DS has a well paid job for his age-he has a salary of £10,244 a year and last month took home £950. We ask for £300 a month, I do everything for him as in washing his clothes, ironing and putting away and cook his food.
Now my issue is, he has an issue with how much we ask of him to pay. I have broken it down and shown him our outgoings each month and his £300 hardly scratches the surface of what we pay out. I have explained to him that when I was 16 (20 years ago) that I had to pay my mum £250 a month and didn't earn near as much as he does. That's the reason he needs to pay towards his keep is because he is now classed as a working adult and if he was out in the real world, he wouldn't have a penny left after paying rent, bills, food, mobile etc.
He has no idea how to handle money-last month he spent his entire wages in 7 days (all I have seen is a pair of trainers, he got his ear pierced and bought a hoodie) and had not even bought his nan a birthday present. He then asked us to pay his bus fares to work 3x!! I did but told him it was a loan and that he needs to manage his money better next month.
He's been working for 4 months now and each month is the same.
How else can I explain to him that money has to last the month?

OP posts:

SoonToBeSix · 03/01/2015 20:47

But op you are missing the point your ds is in education , he is just earning at the same time.
Your ds is a child he isn't 18 and should have to pay for his own food travel etc only. He is not an adult and shouldn't be subsidising household bills. Bills you would be paying whether he lived there or not.

lovingmatleave · 03/01/2015 20:54

While I think it is a bit much, I think it is good you are trying to help him with budgeting etc.If he's old enough to earn, then he's old enough to learn about that. However I think he should be doing some household chores . He should be doing his own laundry for example and be helping out cooking etc. For example you could get him to do a weekly food shop for himself and you could help him learn how to cook, or he could do chores for you at the weekend and you could cut the amount he has to give you.

Bartlebee · 03/01/2015 20:55

Exactly, soontobesix.

Ragwort · 03/01/2015 20:57

But Soon - why shouldn't he be contributing towards the household bills? (he is costing money - ie: food/heat/light etc) and by giving £300 a month towards the bills - which is much, much less than he would spend if he had to rent a room and pay his own bills and food etc - he still has over £600 to spend entirely on himself. How many of us adults have that much to spend on ourselves? I get depressed at the amount of mumsnetters who seem to only have £25 or so a month 'pocket money' for themselves.

I agree with MrsTawdrey - so many young people are treated with kid gloves these days instead of understanding what costs are involved when you live at home.

marne2 · 03/01/2015 21:03

That's not a huge salary, I was earning £10,000 a year at the age of 18 ( this was 15 years ago ), I was living at home, had my own car to run, I payed my parents £30 a week keep which seemed like a lot but I guess this covered food and bills as I ate one meal a day at work. I think £300 a month is way too much.

LynetteScavo · 03/01/2015 21:08

But as he's 16 he wouldn't be able to live independently.....he'd have to be 18 to sign a tenancy agreement ect.

If he was 10 yo and earning this sort of money you wouldn't take money off him to over food, you'd e saving it or him until he was 18, and giving him a bit of spending money.

inabeautifulplace · 03/01/2015 21:12

I don't think you should compare costs to a bedsit. Not really the same thing as living in the family home. Since money is tight for you, it seems sensible for him to contribute and the amount doesn't seem massive to me.

I do like the idea of shared contributions. You could suggest you'll match every pound he saves towards driving lessons, for example. That might encourage responsible saving. He is 16 though!

Original poster

Faithope · 03/01/2015 21:37

adiposegirl-thank you. Good idea

mrstawdry-been there done that-he has a card for a months worth of bus journeys. He cleverly forgot the password to top it up online so it locked the card. In order for it to be unlocked, he has to go to the travel shop in town and get it sorted. He won't do it. What's even funnier is that as he works for the council, he can use his work email to get a 20% discount on the fares. This month he had £650 to spend (he got paid 24th december) I can bet you all that there is less than £100 left... I was keeping tabs on his spends the first 3 months but have decided that if he is peeing it up the wall then he suffers the consequences to it.

bartlebee-I am not charging him rent, I am asking for money towards his keep. If I was charging rent, I would charge the going rate for Oxford and its a lot more than we are asking for.

OP posts:

FullOfChoc · 03/01/2015 21:43

I think you are doing the right thing to charge him. It's giving him unrealistic expectations to do anything else.

If I could afford it I might squirrel away some of the money to help him with buying a car or a deposit when he wants to move out.

Can he walk to work if he blows all his money for bus fare next month? I assume you've gone over budgeting with him?

Original poster

Faithope · 03/01/2015 21:46

He told me yesterday he was leaving home to go and live in a two bed flat with a family of 5 (its his friends mums home) as they were only asking £160 from him. What he failed to see was that he would be sleeping on a floor in someones council flat, while collecting benefits and having a 16 year old breaking their tenancy by having a lodger who is being charged! what parent encourages someone elses teenager to leave their family home??

He can leave home at 16.

Until you turn 16, your parents, carers or guardians are responsible for you.

But if living at home is becoming too difficult, or you are in danger (maybe because of problems like physical or sexual abuse, neglect, emotional abuse, or domestic violence) talk to someone as soon as possible. This could be a teacher, another relative or the leader of a youth group. You can always contact ChildLine at any time for free and confidential help and support.

If you feel you have to leave home, try to be prepared - contact your local council to ask about emergency help from social services.

At age 16

You can leave home without your parents' or carers' consent (you don't need their permission). If you become homeless and you're 16 or 17 years old, you may be entitled to help with money, housing, education, training and support from social services.

So in the eyes of the law-he can leave so he can be an adult, he can be an adult at home and pay towards his keep.

OP posts:

Corygal · 03/01/2015 21:51

I think 300 os a pretty healthy whack in a household of at least 4 (soon to be 5) people. He's certainly paying every penny of his way. I take it he's a stepchild to your OH?

Original poster

Faithope · 03/01/2015 22:00

Corygal-Yes he is, OH adopted him in 2011. Our baby together was a 10 year rollercoaster, 4 IVF's and 3 Miscarriages along the way and this bump im having is a massive surprise lol (not sure why thats relevent but thought I would tell you all lol)

OP posts:

sooperdooper · 03/01/2015 22:02

I think it's totally fair, he still has £600 a month to spend on himself and needs to learn that's how wages work, they pay your way in life, bills included!

I can't get my head round those saying he shouldn't have to pay, I worry that kids will be growing up totally unable to manage their personal finances and expect to be bailed out continually - there's nothing wrong whatsoever with a person earning that salary contributing to a household budget

PisforPeter · 03/01/2015 22:04

I wouldn't take that much from DD tbh

Original poster

Faithope · 03/01/2015 22:04

Fullofchoc-O yes I have shown him how much he has for bus fares, for clothes etc and how much he could save if he wanted to. He also smokes which he denied for months but as a non smoking household, you can tell. So cigarettes are a huge expense. That is banned from happening in or outside of the house. He has to go away from the street. He'l have no choice but to walk. Might teach him to put bus fare by won't it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Faithope · 03/01/2015 22:08

sooperdooper-and that is the way I was bought up. I was taught that life isn't free, I won't have a large sum of cash at 18 to get a deposit for a house or car as my parents were people who earnt enough to live. I don't have that luxuary for my children either so they need to learn the value of money at a young age and that spoonfeeding them will get them nowhere and probabley be bums who expect others to pay their way in life.

OP posts:

SoonToBeSix · 03/01/2015 22:14

Parental responsibility ends at 18 not 16 in England unless the 16/17 year old marries.
Yes a 16 year old can leave home but that doesn't make them an adult.
You might be wrong about your ds mums friend , many social housing tenants can have paid lodgers.

ChillySundays · 03/01/2015 22:16

Op - I presume that you have lost child benefit for him? If so, bearing in mind how much he earns he should at least be covering that loss. As someone else has said he needs to be buying a bus pass as soon as he gets paid and then if he runs out of money too early in the month he's on his own.

The other idea is that he pays yous so much a month but you get the buss pass.

At that age DD was at college and earning about £70ish a week (plus £20 per month from me) but when she was 17 that money also paid for driving lessons and then when she passed petrol and car tax.

SoonToBeSix - I get what you are saying about him still technically being in education but most kids that age doing an apprenticeship are earning about £100 or so. He is earning a bloody good wage for his age.

TheXxed · 03/01/2015 22:17

OP how does he cost you £300 a month?, also he is still your responsibility until he turns 18.

DaisyFlowerChain · 03/01/2015 22:23

There's no way I'd take £300 from a 16 year old. They are still a child and your responsibility. It doesn't cost that much to feed a 16 year old anyway.

I never understand those who want to profit from their children.

Coyoacan · 03/01/2015 22:31

I am surprised at the people saying that because he a "child" (I'm sure the young man would be most offended) he shouldn't pay. Isn't it the responsability of parents to prepare our children for independence and adulthood?

My mother was like you, OP, (except that she didn't do my laundry) and I am eternally grateful that she taught how to be independent.

Original poster

Faithope · 03/01/2015 22:34

I am not profiting from my child. When have I said I am not responsible for him? I am trying to bring him up so he doesn't rely on society and that he understands money. I cook, clean, wash, iron for him. I even get his wash basket and take it to the washing machine. He has two cats-he doesn't do the litter tray or feed them, his parents do. No matter how much I ask him to help out, he always finds a way of 'forgetting'. Its not just the food I am 'charging' him for-he is on the internet day and night, he has his xbox on, he charges his mobile, ipod and laptop. He uses the electric and the gas heats his room. He chooses what he wants from the shopping and asks me to get certain things he likes. I have even topped up his phone and paid his bus fare as I have said in previous posts, why should I when he earns plenty to do that himself?? I buy his grooming products. I even paid for his hair to be cut. I am making sure he grows up independently while helping him gradually rely less on us. Surely as a parent that is what our job is?? Not to wrap them up and provide until they can be bothered?

OP posts:

Original poster

Faithope · 03/01/2015 22:36

He is not a child, he is a young, working adult with a mind of his own, money of his own and parents who love and care about him.

OP posts:

Siarie · 03/01/2015 22:38

Seems like a lot to me, but then I never had to pay keep to my parents because I left home before I started working. My brothers did and they paid £250 a month ish each but they were earning like £20-35k each.

Suppose it depends how you view the world, living out of the family home is more expensive of course but it comes with quite a few benefits of its own!

Georgina1975 · 03/01/2015 22:39

Yes. Take £300 PCM. Under one-third of his pay for bed and board is pretty good IMO.

If you don't need the money, secretly save it up for him (or a portion) to hand over when he moves out. A nice lump sum for deposit or similar.

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