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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

16 year old and money towards keep

268 replies

Faithope · 03/01/2015 17:39

Hi, so DS has a well paid job for his age-he has a salary of £10,244 a year and last month took home £950. We ask for £300 a month, I do everything for him as in washing his clothes, ironing and putting away and cook his food.
Now my issue is, he has an issue with how much we ask of him to pay. I have broken it down and shown him our outgoings each month and his £300 hardly scratches the surface of what we pay out. I have explained to him that when I was 16 (20 years ago) that I had to pay my mum £250 a month and didn't earn near as much as he does. That's the reason he needs to pay towards his keep is because he is now classed as a working adult and if he was out in the real world, he wouldn't have a penny left after paying rent, bills, food, mobile etc.
He has no idea how to handle money-last month he spent his entire wages in 7 days (all I have seen is a pair of trainers, he got his ear pierced and bought a hoodie) and had not even bought his nan a birthday present. He then asked us to pay his bus fares to work 3x!! I did but told him it was a loan and that he needs to manage his money better next month.
He's been working for 4 months now and each month is the same.
How else can I explain to him that money has to last the month?

OP posts:
Timetoask · 04/01/2015 10:14

What does the breakdown of expenses matter?
Because op wants son to learn about money management, if he "sees" where the £250 is going exactly it will help it be less abstract and prepare him for when he is on his own. At the moment he is not really learning anything.

GnomeDePlume · 04/01/2015 10:27

Did you speak to your DS about charging him board before he started work? I guess that a lot of things about starting an apprenticeship have come as a shock to him:

  • cash richer than he has ever been
  • time poorer than he has ever been
  • back at the the bottom of the heap in his organisation

What do his friends do? Is he the wealthiest amongst them and does he pick up the tab?

Something a lot of posters are completely missing is that you cant make him do anything.

What you can do is stop babying him. He wants special toiletries then he pays. He hasnt the money for a haircut then he turns into Shaggy. He wants anything special/different bought then he pays up front.

But.... you stop looking at his bank account. If he pays his way then anything else is none of your business.

YonicSleighdriver · 04/01/2015 10:30

I know I said I was leaving but ah well.

If DS was 18 and had £950 a month would people still think £300 was unfair?

elastamum · 04/01/2015 10:35

I think you are doing the right thing OP. He needs to learn how to manage his living expenses or he will be setting himself up for a lifetime of debt. I don't understand why posters are horrified at him paying his way.

My father was an apprentice at 14 and contributed to their household, I worked part time from 14 and bought all my own clothes and paid my own way, pocket money was just to cover a school lunch. We also walked 3 miles to school - no big deal, that's just how it was then.

I worry more that my teenage DC don't have jobs, get a good monthly allowance and have never had a part time job. They are in for a massive shock when they leave school.

TenMinutesEarly · 04/01/2015 10:37

Take the £300 and put it into savings for him but don't tell him. He will have enough money for a car, deposit on a flat (depending on where you love admittedly) in a few years.

OnIlkleyMoorBahTwat · 04/01/2015 10:38

What does the breakdown of expenses matter?

Because op wants son to learn about money management, if he "sees" where the £250 is going exactly it will help it be less abstract and prepare him for when he is on his own. At the moment he is not really learning anything.

The OP States that she has shown her DS the household expenses and explained that £300 'barely scratches the surface'.

MerryInthechelseahotel · 04/01/2015 10:40

Can't believe people are suggesting it is too much. He is getting absolutely everything for £10 a day and still left with £20 a day to spend. In what universe is that unfair? Maybe for the rest of his life he will never proportionately have as much. Op if you do save for him I would put it towards something specific ie deposit, driving lessons etc. If he was living independently he would have to do his own washing etc maybe he should be asked to do this too.

elastamum · 04/01/2015 10:41

I think gnome has a point, I would take the money off him and then let him get on with it. You cant help him unless he wants the help. He needs to struggle a bit to learn. and I would stop waiting on him looks at snoring teens and wishes she took her own advice

TheXxed · 04/01/2015 10:49

How does 300 a month barely scratch the surface ?????

notonyourninny · 04/01/2015 10:51

I think I'd let him keep his money until hes 18. Hes just a kid, let him enjoy himself. I would insist on chores though and he has to pay for all his own clothes, travel etc.

YonicSleighdriver · 04/01/2015 10:54

He is enjoying himself - he's getting through £650 PCM. What enjoyment is he missing out on with the other £300, do you think?

Original poster
Faithope · 04/01/2015 10:55

So are you telling me that you would call the water board and tell them you only flush your loo once a day so you want reduced rates? Or that you aren't paying your mortgage as you are at work all day so not in the house you are paying for? Get real here! You have to pay for a lot in life that we all begrudge but we HAVE to if we want a roof over our heads and food in our mouths!

Why should I break down what the £300 is for?? Does your tenancy or mortgage break down how much each brick costs? How much the plaster on the walls cost? No, It's a figure that DH and I know is reasonable and that he can afford!!

Yes the fact that my husband is not my sons birth father has nothing to do with this conversation. He is his father as he adopted him, in court and has parental responsibility.

It was DS choice what he wanted to do when he finished year 11. He went to 6th form in the summer holidays to do taster sessions. As it turned out his GCSE's would have meant they wouldn't have him anyway. He also applied for two jobs, a college course and 3 apprenticeships and heard back from ALL of them wanting to take him on. HE chose what HE wanted to do once school was no longer an option. We ARE NOT MAKING MONEY FROM OUR SON

OP posts:
RufusTheReindeer · 04/01/2015 11:22

I think what you are suggesting is fine

Personally I would take £300 and save half for him (without telling him) or take less and make him save but that would be my preference no reason why you should do the same. The. Pension thing some one mentioned sounds good

I think the 16 bit is a red herring

More chores would be good as you say, although I would be happy with him doing more cooking Grin

crazykat · 04/01/2015 11:25

I'd say it's fair that he pays 1/3 of what he earns towards his keep. I'll do the same when my dcs are working unless it's a Saturday job while studying.

If he was living in his own place he'd be paying a hell of a lot more than that on rent/gas/council tax/food etc.

I'd save most/all of it for him though if you can afford it to help him out with a deposit for a flat when he does move out. There's no difference between asking for money for their keep and saving it for them and not charging for their keep but telling them they have to save a certain amount.

Imo not charging working dcs for their keep is part of the reason so many young adults end up in debt when they do leave home as they are used to spending all their money on nights out/clothes etc and when it runs out they either cadge off mam and dad or don't go out till the next payday. I have a few friends who did this and are still paying off the £1000s of debt they ran up when they left home 10 years ago.

YonicSleighdriver · 04/01/2015 11:38

I think you will need to be the one starting the pension for him until he's 18, if you go that route, but do check as it might be 16.

m0therofdragons · 04/01/2015 11:45

My parents always said 10 per cent - this avoided arguements if one of us earned more than the other. I had to buy my own clothes and toiletries plus pay for petrol and car insurance/lessons.
I think it should only be a token amount at that age so he can actually save for a house deposit. Having a child you expect to support them until they are at least 18 and realistically longer. Id be more keen to ensure he pulled his weight at home rather than top up finances.

sooperdooper · 04/01/2015 11:51

I think you should charge the board and stop doing his laundry, teach him to do it himself or at least to start doing more round the house

DaisyFlowerChain · 04/01/2015 11:57

"WE ARE NOT MAKING MONEY FROM OUR SON"

Of course you are, dress it up all you want re it teaching him skills but essentially you are profiting from a child. If he has stayed on at school, how would you have fed him etc? You can teach him a household budget without taking anything from him, it's hardly rocket science. If it wasn't about you taking the money and truly teaching him to budget the whole lot would be going in savings for him ready for when he's an adult and ready to fly the nest.

Flibbertyjibbet · 04/01/2015 12:17

My 8 and 10 year old boys do more round the house than your son does. They don't mind, it's just what they do, sorting their own laundry, emptying the dishwasher, taking the recycling and bins out. When they start secondary school they will start on making simple meals. Dp does loads round the house without asking, because his mother brought him up to contribute to the running of the house as much as the finances.
my ex was just like your son. A mother who did everything for him (including snooping in his room and opening his post). He just took it for granted that everything around the house was done by others. When we were buying a house his mother presented him with a bank book showing all the secret savings she'd made for him. Did that teach him money management? Did it hell, he just expected me to pay for everything.
If you want to teach him to be responsible then get him doing chores, stop paying for his toiletries, haircuts and special food, in return for a reduction in board. You'll be no worse off but he'll think he's got more money.

5madthings · 04/01/2015 12:19

Yanbu.

The op says she does have savings for the ds once he turns 18. But lots of you have ignored that.

Given he does nothing at home pretty much it sounds like the lad has a good deal. Especially if he eats as much as my teen ds!

Op he may settle down, it could be the novelty of having the money, I did similar at 18. But quickly learnt I needed to budget.

SoonToBeSix · 04/01/2015 12:40

But you are making money from your ds . Otherwise you would take the £300 deduct the amount you used to receive in CB and save the rest.

mamadoc · 04/01/2015 12:42

OP I think you are completely right to do this

I really don't get people saying that it is different because he is 16 and 'still a child'. If he is old enough to be paid that sort of money he is old enough to pay his way at home. In 2 years time should she suddenly start to ask for the money then just because he had another birthday? By then he will be used to spending it all and will find it really hard.

Here is a true cautionary tale:

My BIL started work at 16 whilst living at home. Now aged 27 he still lives at home with MIL, contributes nothing, taps her up for money constantly (which since retiring she cannot afford), gets his laundry and shopping done, bed changed and lifts everywhere. He spends everything he gets on clothes, trainers and x box games (and cannabis) and is constantly in debt with no idea how the real world works.

Periodically he shacks up with a woman for a little while until she wises up and realises that he is a complete cocklodger and gets rid and he comes running back to mummy.

She has done him no favours at all and both of them are desperately unhappy but not able to break away. She won't kick him out as 'he would never manage' and sadly it is true.

If you don't give a young person some responsibility and you always bale out their mistakes how will they ever learn?

dalekanium · 04/01/2015 12:46

If you don't take money for keep when he's earning that much, you'd be setting him up to fail. Unrealistic expectations of disposable income could give him significant problems handling money later in life

This

With bells on.

LynetteScavo · 04/01/2015 12:50

Mind you, my 16yo could quite easily eat £300 worth of food a month.

AnyFucker · 04/01/2015 12:50

an apprenticeship that pays a 16yo 950 a month ?

wow

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