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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Think I've probably just cocked up. I have a very angry ds :(

151 replies

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 03/10/2014 18:03

I am pregnant, on crutches with SPD, and generally in pain and exhausted.

Ds is the oldest by a long way. He is nearly 17. I've been struggling with getting the younger dcs from school. Ds doesn't like taking the bus, so in return for lifts to school he does the pick up of the younger dcs. Still with me?

Today I specifically asked him to meet me on time because he's sometimes late on a Friday (he finishes at 3.20, the others finish at 3.30, which allows plenty of time).

I was then going to drop him off with his friends to go in to town for a few hours (regular occurrence, he's already done this twice this week and is off out again tomorrow).

Despite being reminded to be early, despite meeting me every day, he forgot. I finally got hold of him (he ignored his phone the first few times) and he had gone off in the wrong direction. Sorry for the essay. I finally got to the school very late, all was ok in the end.

I was angry he had let me down. I hadn't brought my crutches or support, I couldn't do the stairs, I admit I panicked that I simply physically couldn't get to my dcs.

I told him he couldn't go to town tonight as a consequence.

He's livid with me. Says he does everything (very much not the case, his one job is to walk from the car to the school and back once a day).

I am very upset and I admit that this is mostly with how shocked and helpless I felt. I couldn't get to my children, I didn't know what had happened to ds, and on any other day dh would have been 5 minutes away in an emergency, but he's away with work.

I'm pretty sure I've been unreasonable in taking him home with me, but I'm sick of him telling me that it's no big deal and I'm ruining his life.

Please be gentle. What should I do?

OP posts:
nomorecrumbs · 03/10/2014 18:06

He's nearly 17! Why the hell can't he get into town on his own?

He's treating you awfully. Thanks

Original poster
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 03/10/2014 18:15

Nomore, thank you, I should have just left him and had the conversation later. He's sent me a long text about how he is sorry but has nothing to be sorry for.

OP posts:
steppemum · 03/10/2014 18:19

I am guessing that for him it is actually quite scary to see you helpless and he feels a bit overwhelmed by the responsibility of collecting dcs etc.

That doesn't excuse him, he is quite old enough to be helping, it isn't a huge ask, and he is doing it in exchange for lifts, so he has a really cushy number on that score.

Finola1step · 03/10/2014 18:23

I think I would say that he can go out as planned but you won't be able to drive him anywhere.

That way you get a bit of space from each other to cool down. And a quiet evening once the younger dc are in bed.

Then over the weekend, plan with your ds the pick ups etc for the week ahead.

Original poster
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 03/10/2014 18:25

Thanks steppe. He doesn't see the vulnerable bit. I tend to downplay it all. Which is why I've been hiding so he won't see that I'm upset :(

OP posts:
Original poster
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 03/10/2014 18:30

Finola, he'll have just missed the last bus back in. We're pretty remote :(

If he'd shown any empathy at all we wouldn't be here now. I know I'm mad expecting empathy from a 16 year old.

Should I go and explain it from my side, or is there no point?

OP posts:
justmuddlingalong · 03/10/2014 18:32

Sorry but I don't agree. He is 17 and while he can and should help out, he isn't responsible for his siblings. At 17 he has his friends and own interests, which at that age, are very important. I think you should organise help elsewhere, because I think resentment could set in on both sides if this continues.

lunar1 · 03/10/2014 18:34

Is he meeting them every day? I think he will really resent that. I remember at that age taking ages with my friends when school finished. I think it'd pick a couple of days a week with him to help out but not every day, I don't think that's fair.

Original poster
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 03/10/2014 18:34

It's only for the 3 months when I can't walk that he is needed. He doesn't object to helping (apart from in hindsight as his argument), if he doesn't want to help then other arrangements can be made if need be. But today I was relying on him and he wasn't there.

He doesn't do anything to help with them outside of this. He spends most of his spare time with his friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 03/10/2014 18:36

He helps 2 or 3 days a week and on those days he is usually coming home with me anyway. Twice he's wanted to do other things, and I've dropped him off after borrowing him for the pick up for 10 minutes.

He has never objected to doing it.

OP posts:
justmuddlingalong · 03/10/2014 18:44

At his age, your own interests and plans tend to override everything else. Please don't put the responsibility on his shoulders.

ReallyOTT · 03/10/2014 18:48

He's 17! Give him a break!Hmm

Can't you get the kids dad to collect them or a friend?

peppapigonaloop · 03/10/2014 18:50

I think perhaps it can't hurt to explain that you were so upset because you feel vulnerable at the moment. He is 17, nearly an adult, he is old enough to learn to have a bit of empathy for people and to understand that he has to help out at the moment. It sounds like very little responsibility really, he has the rest of his time to do as he pleases.

Original poster
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 03/10/2014 18:52

Just, I do see what you're saying, and if he had let me know he wouldn't be doing it, I would never have been there to pick him up, I could have gotten to the other dcs' school early, had my crutches and support, taken my time and been early enough to park close, get somewhere to sit etc.

I normally pick him up either way. Today I had made a point of reminding him (since dh is away), and offered a lift to his mate's.

He's shown he can't be relied upon. I shouldn't be relying on him anyway. So the only solution is not to collect him since then I have no time to collect the dcs myself.

OP posts:
Dontwanttobeyourmonkeywench · 03/10/2014 18:52

How young are the younger DC? Are they old enough to meet you at the school door or would asking the school for help in getting them to you an option? My DS is 17 and often helps to pick up DD(7) if he's free because her school is on his way home but it's his choice. I only ever ask him if I'm really stuck because he is at the age where hanging out with his mates is important to him and I remember having to be the person who picked up my little sister after nursery everyday (different schooling system and hours where I grew up) because it was one of the many "the only thing I ask you to do".

I think you should have a chat with him when you are both calmer and be honest about how much you're struggling.

Trollsworth · 03/10/2014 18:55

There are people in this country who are parents at seventeen, and we expect them not to be awful at it. Picking younger siblings up is not beyond the pale for a young person of seventeen, and he's being a spoilt brat.

Original poster
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 03/10/2014 18:58

OTT, I've explained that their dad is away today.

I've clearly not described it well.

Normally I pick ds and the dcs up and take them all home. Ds wants me to do this. His school is a bit further on but finishes earlier. I pick ds up first and then drive to the other school. Since I am struggling to walk, ds has been walking up to the school to get the dcs. This takes him 5 minutes. At my current rate it would take me 30 minutes. Today ds didn't want to come home, but because I have no one else to help with the dcs today, he kindly agreed to meet me and then I would drop him off afterwards. He forgot. Had he told me before hand that he didn't want to I could have done things differently. As it was I would have been half an hour late for the dcs and probably would have had to crawl some of the way as I didn't have my crutches. But I did get hold of him and he did come with me. We were just very late. I felt very let down. I think I overreacted and regret it.

OP posts:
justmuddlingalong · 03/10/2014 18:59

He is a sibling though, not a parent.

exexpat · 03/10/2014 19:01

think it is perfectly reasonable to ask your DS to do this a few times a week, specially since you are doing him a favour (giving him a lift) in exchange, and it is presumably for a limited time (you won't be pregnant for ever). No different from assigning him chores around the house. And at the very least, since he agreed to do it and knew you were relying on him, he should have kept his word.

DS occasionally picked up DD (four years younger) from school from when he was about 14 - I'm a single parent with no one else available to do it. He did not complain and was always reliable. When I am ill, he also does things he wouldn't normally do, to help me out. I think that is all a normal part of family life.

ThursdayLast · 03/10/2014 19:04

I don't think you over reacted at all.
Whatever the ins and outs of your situation, he let you down today and now he is 'suffering' a consequence.
Probably supposed to be meeting a girl or something later Wink
He'll be fine when he's calmed down.

TortoiseUpATreeAgain · 03/10/2014 19:05

And he's being asked to spend five minutes fetching his siblings out of school, not devote himself to their welfare twenty-four hours a day.

Hakluyt · 03/10/2014 19:06

Jesus- he's 27, and he's being asked to help out a couple of days a week for 3 months! What's with all this "give him a break" stuff? Is he a member of the family or isn't he? If he is, then he mucks in when stuff needs doing.

OP, you were right to be cross. But you do need to explain to him how difficult things are for you, but reassure him that it's temporary.

Bowlersarm · 03/10/2014 19:09

I'm conflicted. He's 16. He does a lot to help out. He probably feels his family is divided into three; him, his much younger siblings, and his pregnant mum. It must be hard.

On the other hand you give him lifts.

I'm fence sitting at the moment. But I'm definitely not condemning him.

Do you have a partner? (Sorry if you've said already)

Bowlersarm · 03/10/2014 19:09

Oh ignore me, I'm miles behind.

WhereTheWildlingsAre · 03/10/2014 19:11

I think what you are asking is perfectly reasonable. You are not burdening him with parenting at all! He is contributing to your family's life and being asked to be a part of the team

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