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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Think I've probably just cocked up. I have a very angry ds :(

151 replies

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 03/10/2014 18:03

I am pregnant, on crutches with SPD, and generally in pain and exhausted.

Ds is the oldest by a long way. He is nearly 17. I've been struggling with getting the younger dcs from school. Ds doesn't like taking the bus, so in return for lifts to school he does the pick up of the younger dcs. Still with me?

Today I specifically asked him to meet me on time because he's sometimes late on a Friday (he finishes at 3.20, the others finish at 3.30, which allows plenty of time).

I was then going to drop him off with his friends to go in to town for a few hours (regular occurrence, he's already done this twice this week and is off out again tomorrow).

Despite being reminded to be early, despite meeting me every day, he forgot. I finally got hold of him (he ignored his phone the first few times) and he had gone off in the wrong direction. Sorry for the essay. I finally got to the school very late, all was ok in the end.

I was angry he had let me down. I hadn't brought my crutches or support, I couldn't do the stairs, I admit I panicked that I simply physically couldn't get to my dcs.

I told him he couldn't go to town tonight as a consequence.

He's livid with me. Says he does everything (very much not the case, his one job is to walk from the car to the school and back once a day).

I am very upset and I admit that this is mostly with how shocked and helpless I felt. I couldn't get to my children, I didn't know what had happened to ds, and on any other day dh would have been 5 minutes away in an emergency, but he's away with work.

I'm pretty sure I've been unreasonable in taking him home with me, but I'm sick of him telling me that it's no big deal and I'm ruining his life.

Please be gentle. What should I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 04/10/2014 10:05

Nosquirrels, will do. I'll add in some fun jobs like "cleaning the toilet" and see who he thinks should do that :o

Ds's room has an ensuite. It hasn't worked since before we moved in. We were going to get it completely re-done in a couple of weeks. Now I'm not so sure. He'll see keeping it clean as one more thing he "does for this family" no doubt.

OP posts:
Original poster
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 04/10/2014 10:05

Beast, cake is a great idea :) I'll get baking

OP posts:
Penfold007 · 04/10/2014 10:07

Hakluyt you don't have to agree with me, what I expressed is my own opinion.
I do think children in a family can and even should have age appropriate chores, duties, responsibilities whatever phrase suits you but personally I draw the line at child care.

My dh was the eldest of five and was required to bring up the youngest two for his parents when he was a young teen. Nappies,Bottles, full family meals etc. Even mil admits it was wrong and he swore any DC he had wouldn't have to do it.

I actually think the OP has done a brilliant job with her compromise agreement with her ds.

ChippingInLatteLover · 04/10/2014 10:09

Penfold

Since when is walking two siblings from their classroom to the car so he can have a lift childcare?

ChippingInLatteLover · 04/10/2014 10:10

Fuckyou should you really be standing in the kitchen making a cake?? Is this wise?

Beastofburden · 04/10/2014 10:10

The thing is, if teens are made to help, empathise, be human to their sibs, etc, the extra emotional maturity they learn helps them hugely with their own lives at school.

There is less overreaction, flouncing etc not only at home, but at school. At that age, their own mates are vastly more important than us. But you are helping him manage that side of life too.

DS1 helped a lot, and he also did well at school and had loads of mates.

Beastofburden · 04/10/2014 10:11

Can't DH make the cake?

Original poster
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 04/10/2014 10:13

Penfold, would you really classify 5 minutes twice a week as child care? I do accept that my op isn't clear about how much time and effort was involved, and there is a big difference between that and collecting dcs from school 5 days a week, bringing them home and caring for them for several hours until a parent returns from work, which can be restrictive on the child having any social life. But I am always here. This is not the situation your dh grew up in by any means.

OP posts:
Hakluyt · 04/10/2014 10:14

"My dh was the eldest of five and was required to bring up the youngest two for his parents when he was a young teen. Nappies,Bottles, full family meals etc"

Well, yes, in an ideal world that shouldn't happen.

Are you the OP's son, by any chance?

Original poster
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 04/10/2014 10:14

I thought about cake. Then I thought about standing in the kitchen, then I thought some more...

Long story short, I texted dh to pick up a cake on his way home Blush

OP posts:
noddyholder · 04/10/2014 10:16

My mum did this with me when she had another child when i was 15. I hated it.

HolgerDanske · 04/10/2014 10:16

I'm sure you've thought of this already, but please do explain to him the actual reason why you got so upset. It's a perfect opportunity to teach him better empathy and a greater understanding of human behaviour. And in understanding your behaviour he will hopefully understand his own behaviour and be better equipped to deal with how he feels in years to come.

If you explain to him how upset you felt and that it was horrible to be completely stranded and worried about your children, and get him to see what a help it is to be able to rely on him, then I have a feeling he will be reliable next time and hopefully every time.

Teens are selfish, sure. But they also love to be useful and needed and actually, most of the time do want to be grown up and reliable. They just might not know it yet.

ChippingInLatteLover · 04/10/2014 10:20

fuckyou no need for the Blush at all. It would be daft for you to stand in the kitchen making one.

noddy did what exactly?

The DS doesn't like getting the bus, he wants a lift home. In order to get a lift home the OP has to be in two places with not much time in between, so her DS walks from the car, to the classroom to fetch his two siblings. What exactly is the problem here?

DownByTheRiverside · 04/10/2014 10:21

I think your expectations are reasonable OP, and that he is behaving like a bratty teenager, so attempting to talk to him logically and calmly is the best way forwards.
if he really doesn't want to pull his weight, then he doesn't get treated like a dependent child by you and you withdraw the treats and extras that you provide for him and he doesn't see. Think of it as a wake-up call for him, a way of skilling him into adulthood.
Mine are 19 and 23 and living at home. It's worth the effort to support them in the transition from child to adult, and to point out that everyone does their bit in a shared house.

Original poster
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 04/10/2014 10:22

Noddy, I'll certainly be giving him the option of making his own way home from now on if he doesn't want to help in that way.

Holger I'm going to try to be completely honest with how I felt in that moment. Hopefully he will understand.

OP posts:
DownByTheRiverside · 04/10/2014 10:23

Oh, and timekeeping is a vital job skill.
That DD has to perfection and DS really hasn't...yet.

noddyholder · 04/10/2014 10:24

Good idea he should have options then he may see he isn't getting such a raw deal after all! I had no options and while I enjoyed some of the 'helping' I also resented it as my friends weren't doing it!

Original poster
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 04/10/2014 10:25

Downby, I dream that once he hits 18 he will magically grow up and pitch in with everything. This is what happens?! Right?!

Chippingin, thank you :). I do have a stool in the kitchen but it's one less thing to waste my limited movement on. I'll have enough running around to do today after the littlies. Although dh will take over the vast majority once he's here, and he doesn't complain and is lovely.

OP posts:
DownByTheRiverside · 04/10/2014 10:26

Why doesn't he like taking the bus?

Original poster
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 04/10/2014 10:28

Because it doesn't drop him right outside the house and he would have to get up earlier to catch it and arrive home later Hmm

Lazy reasons. And I don't mind giving him a lift since I have to drive to get the dcs anyway and he's only a bit further on... This is what they call "making a rod for your own back" isn't it? He has come to take it all for granted.

OP posts:
DownByTheRiverside · 04/10/2014 10:30

'Downby, I dream that once he hits 18 he will magically grow up and pitch in with everything. This is what happens?! Right?! '

Why would it? What's in it for him? {grin]
Or are we talking serious drugs and hypnosis?
Seriously, think of the things he needs to manage; food, bed, access to washing and laundry facilities, support for his education. Those sort of essentials.
Then think of the things he should be able to do for himself by now; make basic meals, use the washing machine, walk three miles, use public transport... See learning those skills as a positive, rather than feeling guilty about neglecting your PFB.

HolgerDanske · 04/10/2014 10:30

^^ mind you! that is a very good question.

I think that once you are over this stage where you need him to help you, he ought to learn to take the bus even if he doesn't like it all that much (unless there are other issues that have contributed to this).

At 17 he ought to be learning that in real life we all do a LOT of things every day that we might not choose to do. He is old enough to get himself to and for school.

HolgerDanske · 04/10/2014 10:31

(Oh oops that was referring to the question why doesn't he like to take the bus)

I think this is part of the problem. He is being babied a bit...

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 04/10/2014 10:31

Good plan re chat and cake OP (esp buying the cake! last thing you need is to be standing baking one)

Loads of my friends' teenagers collect younger siblings from school and walk them home. I don't think asking him to walk 5mins to meet his siblings in order to get a lift home is really asking very much at all.

I am very much in the "our family is a community, we all help each other" camp. Teenagers might be naturally selfish but I don't think that means we should just accept it! Grin

DownByTheRiverside · 04/10/2014 10:32

'This is what they call "making a rod for your own back" isn't it? He has come to take it all for granted'

That moment of self-realisation deserves the first slice of cake. The baby will cut another slice of your time out of your day and your week. Time to get started on gentle but firm encouragement of this new and exciting step in his life. Time to start taking on the responsibility of managing yourself my son.