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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Think I've probably just cocked up. I have a very angry ds :(

151 replies

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 03/10/2014 18:03

I am pregnant, on crutches with SPD, and generally in pain and exhausted.

Ds is the oldest by a long way. He is nearly 17. I've been struggling with getting the younger dcs from school. Ds doesn't like taking the bus, so in return for lifts to school he does the pick up of the younger dcs. Still with me?

Today I specifically asked him to meet me on time because he's sometimes late on a Friday (he finishes at 3.20, the others finish at 3.30, which allows plenty of time).

I was then going to drop him off with his friends to go in to town for a few hours (regular occurrence, he's already done this twice this week and is off out again tomorrow).

Despite being reminded to be early, despite meeting me every day, he forgot. I finally got hold of him (he ignored his phone the first few times) and he had gone off in the wrong direction. Sorry for the essay. I finally got to the school very late, all was ok in the end.

I was angry he had let me down. I hadn't brought my crutches or support, I couldn't do the stairs, I admit I panicked that I simply physically couldn't get to my dcs.

I told him he couldn't go to town tonight as a consequence.

He's livid with me. Says he does everything (very much not the case, his one job is to walk from the car to the school and back once a day).

I am very upset and I admit that this is mostly with how shocked and helpless I felt. I couldn't get to my children, I didn't know what had happened to ds, and on any other day dh would have been 5 minutes away in an emergency, but he's away with work.

I'm pretty sure I've been unreasonable in taking him home with me, but I'm sick of him telling me that it's no big deal and I'm ruining his life.

Please be gentle. What should I do?

OP posts:
Hakluyt · 03/10/2014 19:12

"I'm conflicted. He's 16. He does a lot to help out."

No he doesn't. His one job is to walk his siblings to the car 3 days a week!

Original poster
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 03/10/2014 19:13

I really do appreciate all the responses (from both POVs). I think I will talk to ds and explain things.

I'll give him the option of getting himself home or coming with me and helping. Not in a petulant way, but if he doesn't help then I don't have time to collect him.

I do think today has shaken me with how utterly useless and pathetic I felt at not being able to get to my children. I'll try talking to the school about letting them leave without me there to collect them. They are sensible children and would go back in if I wasn't there.

Ds can then happily take responsibility for no one but himself.

OP posts:
HaroldLloyd · 03/10/2014 19:13

It's a 5 minute job! It's hardly making him a carer not a sibling.

He is getting a lift and just nipping out of the car.

Really, people think this is too much? My mind boggles.

HolgerDanske · 03/10/2014 19:14

I don't think he's necessarily shown that he can't be relied on. He couldn't be relied on once, but every other time he does well. So I would continue the arrangement. Otherwise you don't give him the chance to do it well.

Original poster
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 03/10/2014 19:16

And I am inwardly :o ing at the idea that ds is parenting his siblings. He really isn't. He doesn't even babysit for them.

OP posts:
SoonToBeSix · 03/10/2014 19:19

Of course he should help. I am disabled my dd has just turned 16 and she would do this if I needed her too.
You did the right thing op.

Itsfab · 03/10/2014 19:19

If a son can't help out his mum when she is in difficulties then there is something seriously wrong.

I am careful not to ask DS1 to watch DS2 unless I really need too - usually 3 times a year - as it isn't fair but you are in a different situation and it is very sad that people think you are out of order for asking for help and then being upset when he doesn't help you.

Hakluyt · 03/10/2014 19:20

No, OP, don't do that! You are absolutely right to expect your nearly 17 year old to pitch in at a time like this. If you stop asking him to collect his siblings, then certainly get him to do something else. I presume he's doing his own washing and getting at least one dinner a week?

HaroldLloyd · 03/10/2014 19:20

You have to learn about pitching in and having the manners to let someone know your not going to be there - albeit he forgot but he should have apologised.

It's not a lot your asking of him.

Original poster
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 03/10/2014 19:22

Haklyut... Does putting his washing in the basket once a month count? He cooks maybe once a month if he fancies it. He makes a good pasta bake.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 03/10/2014 19:22

I think it's one of those things (teenager forgot/couldn't see or visualise the consequences of his actions in not coming) and you have understandably overreacted. Accept his apology, and have a calm chat.

I think you need to say to him, it's OK, I understand you feel under pressure to help out and don't necessarily want to. I'm sorry you feel that way. However, for 3 months it's an all or nothing situation, and I cannot change that. I am in pain, and physically limited for now. It's not your fault or responsibility, but if you choose to help me out and be reliable about it, I would be very grateful. Then tell him these are your choices:

  1. I can pick you up, in return for you picking up your siblings, and then an onward lift to wherever you want to go
  2. I cannot pick you up at all for the next 3 months.

He can choose, leave the decision up to him.

And in the meantime, so as not to have this panic again, can you arrange a friend to physically get the kids from the classroom, or talk to the school about having them brought downstairs to you?

Hakluyt · 03/10/2014 19:24

why is it not fair to ask an older sibling to watch a younger one? A family is a community- everybody should help out. And one of the things older siblings can do easily is to watch the younger ones. I just don"5 understand why anyone would think differently. "Dd- could you listen to ds read while I cook dinner?" "Ds- dd has a lot of homework tonight- could you take the dog out while I sort the washing?" That's how families work.

NoSquirrels · 03/10/2014 19:24

X-post, OP! You are doing everything I said anyway Grin

MrsCakesPrecognition · 03/10/2014 19:27

My DCs primary school has many children being collectef by older siblings, not just collected but taken home and cared for until parents get home from work. I'm really shocked that a 16yo isn't able to follow through on a commitment he has given someone.
Sixteen year olds marry, have babies, hold down jobs, join up...all the OPs DS has to do is be on hand, as arranged, to walk his siblings from school to the car. Not hard.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 03/10/2014 19:29

He's 17 and he let you down. Of course you're supposed to be cross about it!

I think there's is this feeling that we can only give children responsibility if it doesn't matter if they don't do it - which actually isn't responsibility at all. When they're younger and starting to learn how to do things properly then that's fine.

But as a seventeen year old it's part of helping them become adults that they get given 'proper' responsibility, and that they can be relied on to help out. They are a part of the family and should be given tasks that help the family life function, not just take from it. He gets a sense of pride and confidence in himself and skills for life.

And also, he's not being used as a slave or a proxy parent in this situation. It's a temporary situation and more of an errand than a big part of their day like cooking and serving dinner, or being in charge of baths and bed - things that are more about nurturing.

Itsfab · 03/10/2014 19:36

Hakluyt - I suppose as he is my son and I chose to have him I should be responsible. I did ask DS2 to read to DS1 the other day but that didn't happen.

We aren't feeling like a proper family at the moment. DD is being awful. Every time she opens her mouth it is rude or spiteful. She has admitted not liking her younger brother and certainly doesn't seem to care about anyone. I feel such a failure. The boys are loving towards DH and I and are pretty okay to each other. DD always wants a hug good night but other than that I doubt she really is bothered about anyone Sad. She certainly wouldn't do anything with DS2 to help me.

Clarabumps · 03/10/2014 19:42

Of course he should help you out! He's absolutely capable of fetching his siblings for 5 minutes. The way some posters are going on it's as though he's in the workhouse with the weight of the world on his shoulders.

Hope you are okay OP. Thanks If he's stays at home then he has to chip into the general running of the house. xx

MexicanSpringtime · 03/10/2014 19:46

Gosh, I am bit gobsmacked at thinking that your son shouldn't ever be asked to do anything? Surely we are bringing our children up in the hope that they will be helpful members of the community not entitled brats. (OP, I am not referring to your son). If you can't ask them to help with the family, who would these parents expect their children to help?

exexpat · 03/10/2014 19:52

Itsfab - how old is your DD? DS was pretty horrible to DD (4 years younger) for years - putting her down at every opportunity, pointless bickering etc - particularly around age 10-12, but by 13 he was much better, and since 13 has babysat for her and been generally much more grown-up. They still bicker sometimes, but I think it was worst at the just-hitting-puberty stage.

MrsCakesPrecognition · 03/10/2014 19:57

exexpat, I hope you are right. Mine are exactly the ages you describe (10 & 6) and DDs behaviour towards her little brother is getting really nasty at the moment, beyond their usual bickering.

minkymuskyslyoldstoaty · 03/10/2014 20:06

op, just want to send you a bloody big hug, i know how very tiring and excruciating SPD is. He forgot, you got angry. You are allowed to be angry. He's allowed to not quite get where you were coming from.

I am sure, very sure you are coping as best you can, and keeping it all in but you are also allowed to get upset. It does actually sound like you have a good relationship with him. Go and have a chat with him. x

Itsfab · 03/10/2014 20:12

exexpat - DD is 11, the boys are 9 and 13. She carries on and on even when given warnings. She has currently lost her phone and lap top and hasn't been allowed to go to a birthday party. The boys have never been so horrible with their words as she is Sad.

Original poster
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 03/10/2014 20:21

Thank you for all the lovely things you've said Thanks

We do have a good relationship generally. He's a nice lad, just going through a teen lack of being able to think of anything beyond what he immediately wants.

We'll talk. I'll stop putting on a brave face and hopefully we'll sort things out ok.

OP posts:
exexpat · 03/10/2014 20:26

Sympathies, Itsfab and MrsCakes. I hope they both grow out of it sooner rather than later. I'm afraid I can't offer any particular advice, except that moving DS into the front seat of the car made a huge difference to my stress levels on car journeys.

museumum · 03/10/2014 20:32

Right now he thinks missing one night in town is the end of the world. He'll get over it in no time. I don't think you were that harsh... sit down and watch a film or something with him tonight so he's not 'out' but you are doing something nice in.

He's in the car getting a lift home anyway... there is NO WAY he should sit there while you hobble in pain to the younger dc's school and back. Of COURSE if he's in the car getting a lift anyway he should be the one to get out and pick them up!!!

Even if he wasn't 'helping', not turning up for his lift home is beyond rude! I'd have not let him into town tonight even for that! I am all for teenagers having space with their friends but if they want lifts places then they must be courteous, you are not a taxi!