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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Think I've probably just cocked up. I have a very angry ds :(

151 replies

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 03/10/2014 18:03

I am pregnant, on crutches with SPD, and generally in pain and exhausted.

Ds is the oldest by a long way. He is nearly 17. I've been struggling with getting the younger dcs from school. Ds doesn't like taking the bus, so in return for lifts to school he does the pick up of the younger dcs. Still with me?

Today I specifically asked him to meet me on time because he's sometimes late on a Friday (he finishes at 3.20, the others finish at 3.30, which allows plenty of time).

I was then going to drop him off with his friends to go in to town for a few hours (regular occurrence, he's already done this twice this week and is off out again tomorrow).

Despite being reminded to be early, despite meeting me every day, he forgot. I finally got hold of him (he ignored his phone the first few times) and he had gone off in the wrong direction. Sorry for the essay. I finally got to the school very late, all was ok in the end.

I was angry he had let me down. I hadn't brought my crutches or support, I couldn't do the stairs, I admit I panicked that I simply physically couldn't get to my dcs.

I told him he couldn't go to town tonight as a consequence.

He's livid with me. Says he does everything (very much not the case, his one job is to walk from the car to the school and back once a day).

I am very upset and I admit that this is mostly with how shocked and helpless I felt. I couldn't get to my children, I didn't know what had happened to ds, and on any other day dh would have been 5 minutes away in an emergency, but he's away with work.

I'm pretty sure I've been unreasonable in taking him home with me, but I'm sick of him telling me that it's no big deal and I'm ruining his life.

Please be gentle. What should I do?

OP posts:
HolgerDanske · 04/10/2014 10:33

And no, seriously now, he will absolutely not get to 18 and magically grow up. Small steps here and there is a much more sensible way to encourage that Smile

Taking the bus would be a good start!

Penfold007 · 04/10/2014 10:34

I haven't got my point across well enough. What I am saying is that I think the OP has done an 'adult' deal with her ds. He hates having to go to and fro school on the bus and she needs someone to just bring younger dcs from school to the car. She needs regular and reliable help for a period of time, he gets a lift. Win-win in my opinion.

Original poster
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 04/10/2014 10:35

I think you're right, it's a delicate balance this parenting thing. I don't want to be unsupportive, but I don't want to be so supportive that when I'm not there he falls flat on his face because I haven't given him all the life skills necessary for him to get by.

It's a constant imbalance, whilst I'm rushing to shore up one aspect, I'm letting something else fall apart. It's like spinning plates.

OP posts:
antimatter · 04/10/2014 10:38

Ask him how would he feel if you forgot to pick him up on Friday night.

I know my ex was like your son when he was still living at home. Allowed to pick and choose what he did and when he did it. This attitude stayed with him a d is affecting him until now in his work and private life.
That meaning he is unable to hold down reasonable job and still lives in a rented room at 50.

If he doesn't learn there are co sequences to his behaviour now he will later anyway.

DownByTheRiverside · 04/10/2014 10:38

Ohh yes, exactly like a complicated juggling act with knives and balls and scarves some of which are made of glass and some of which are on fire.
So, time to step back and analyse. You will always be there for the big stuff, and to support him when he needs it.
Now you all have to sort the needs from the wants and realise what the priorities are.

Chandon · 04/10/2014 10:39

Is a bike an option? (Not a motorbike, a bike-bike)

Or bus to go out, you pick him up if no bus?

Train station he can walk to?

Can't keep driving him around like that. Can he earn money for taxis?

roughtyping · 04/10/2014 10:39

How are you feeling fuckyouchris?

Haven't read the full thread Blush but FWIW I had my DS at 17. I also had 2 younger sisters and did a lot more for them than walking them to/from a car. My parents would've had a fit if id just left them.

ChippingInLatteLover · 04/10/2014 10:40

holger I think it's ridiculous to make him get the bus when it's barely out of the OP's way to drop him off and pick him up. He just needs to appreciate it.

Yes FuckYou when he turns 18 he will magically turn into a responsible, caring, delightful adult :) Absolutely.

it's not lying when you tell a heavily pregnant woman something to give her hope

I'm glad your DH is 'one of the good ones' :)

HolgerDanske · 04/10/2014 10:41

I know. That's exactly right, it's an endless juggling act of balancing all sorts of conflicting priorities.

My eldest has just gone off to uni and it has been really great to let her take that last step to independence. It feels so incredibly right to have helped her to get to the stage where she actually is a baby adult and ready to take on the world on her own terms Smile. I managed to raise an actual adult!!

I've seen with mine that even though they may protest and whinge and whine, they are crying out for independence, they want with everything in them to be more grown up. We have to let them do and be that. And part of that is to make them do so, even when they're not quite aware that that's what they really want.

AtiaoftheJulii · 04/10/2014 10:41

When my kids were younger I had a bit of a thing about not making my oldest be "the responsible big sister", so if e.g. they went to the park I'd say they must all stick together, etc, rather than that dd1 was the oldest. But the gaps were small. And you haven't said that he's complained about this before, seems like something he's just bringing out in his defence.

Dd1 is now nearly 18 and if she cocked up an arrangement like that and left me panicking and stranded, I'd be equally furious - the nature of the arrangement is separate really from the being letting down.

Anyway, think your plan and your approach sound good. Hope the chat goes well Smile

HolgerDanske · 04/10/2014 10:42

Well, we are coming from different perspectives, then, I guess.

I'm sure the OP will make her own decisions on what would be best for her son's need for growing independence.

Original poster
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 04/10/2014 10:43

So agenda for the meeting:-

Listen to ds's grievances
Explain my pov and come clean about how in pain I am
Eat some cake
Discuss whether he wants to continue with the arrangement of lift in return for getting the littlies.
Discuss how we can support each other, what support he needs, how best it can be achieved
Discuss housework and who should do what and when, ask him for suggestions on what he should do.
Discuss anything else he wants to bring up.
Discuss how we speak to each other, what isn't an acceptable response.

Discuss it all calmly, and blame all my tears on stupid hormones.

That's the plan anyway.

Expect a "I don't want to talk about it, I'm going out" first response. Bribe with cake. Explain this needs sorting before that. Not actually an option but would rather he chooses to talk now.

What have I missed?

OP posts:
Original poster
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 04/10/2014 10:44

Bike?! Ha! Bought him a new one for Christmas because he wanted the freedom. He's ridden it 3 times

OP posts:
MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 04/10/2014 10:47

I used to have to earn / pay for via chores non essential lifts when I was that age - not by looking after siblings (I am the oldest but the gapsare smallish) but by doing chores. I did resent it because my parents had chosen to live somewhere with almost no public transport... But the chores I had to do were more onerous than popping in to fetch a younger sibling and walk them to the car - get him to wash the car or empty all the bins and vacuum, or cook a family main meal, in return for each lift, and he'll see he has quite a cushy number atm.

HolgerDanske · 04/10/2014 10:47

That sounds perfect Smile

Also, I want cake now.

Original poster
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 04/10/2014 10:47

Rough typing, thanks for asking. Teary and tired is how I'm feeling, but far more optimistic than last night :)

Chippingin, dh is one of the best :) please keep lying to me.

All these replies have helped so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 04/10/2014 10:49

Cake for everyone :)

OP posts:
missingwordsround · 04/10/2014 11:01

OP Your agenda sounds perfect ! The only thing I might add would be to give him a heads up maybe an hour or so before you sit down together - it will be counterproductive if he feels "ambushed"

FWIW I am [shocked] at anyone who thinks that asking him to help you for 10 minutes a day with his OWN family, whilst you are pg is being hard on him!!

Increasing levels of responsibility is a GOOD thing. If he shoulders boring responsibility (chores) with reliability and good grace, then he is in a great position to ask you for freedom to do more fun stuff.

GL

missingwordsround · 04/10/2014 11:02

oops meant Shock !!

Original poster
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 04/10/2014 11:05

Thanks, missing, have just messaged him (have we really come to messaging!) to let him know.

He's responded with "can't we just forget about yesterday? There's nothing to discuss".

I've said there's lots to discuss and I'll call him when dh is home.

OP posts:
PfftTheMagicDraco · 04/10/2014 11:22

He's 17. He could be living alone and raising a family by now, working full time.

If he's living in your house, he's the same as everyone else living in that house. He doesn't get special dispensation to be lazy because he's a teenager. You are all a team and you work together to keep things running, because one person isn't the maid for everyone else.

I think that if he's only doing the bare minimum - washing in the basket once a month, then he's not doing enough, and if he was used to working around the house to keep it going as he should have been, then maybe helping out with the kids wouldn't be such a big deal.

You do kids no favours by not making them help out. They become entitled. I cannot believe the responses here, the idea that you might be unreasonable for asking your almost adult child to do something small to help out is frankly ridiculous.

I wouldn't let him out, and if he's not prepared to help you when you need it - don't be giving him lifts places to help him.

ChippingInLatteLover · 04/10/2014 11:35

He's responded with "can't we just forget about yesterday? There's nothing to discuss"

Pfft - yes there is! Plenty. Ingrate.

I don't want to talk about it, I'm going out

Cake?? You have to be kidding. It's time to get tough. Correct response:

You are not going out, sit down. There. Now.

I wouldn't discuss how much pain you are in or your 'pov' right now. This is about HIM being an ungrateful and unreliable little shit. It's about his behaviour being unacceptable.

Even if you weren't in any pain or pregnant, his behaviour wouldn't be acceptable - so don't make it about that (it will only make him feel more resentful and as if he's in the right!!).

ChippingInLatteLover · 04/10/2014 11:37

He's not even helping out He's getting the kids from their class in exchange for a lift home because it's the only way to make it work. This is NOT helping out!

ChippingInLatteLover · 04/10/2014 11:38

Helping out would be fetching the kids home on the bus so the OP doesn't have to go out!

Pagwatch · 04/10/2014 12:23

Yep - I agree with Chipping.

The conversation happens whether Little Lord Fauntleroy wants it to or not.

At 16 DS1 was walking DD to her school before walking back to his for two or three days a week. On the other days he helped DS2 to his bus.

I wouldn't be apologising or explaining either. He helps because a family helps each other out - not because you are incapacitated.

This learnt uselessness is not a gift.