Think I've probably just cocked up. I have a very angry ds :(

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

I am pregnant, on crutches with SPD, and generally in pain and exhausted.

Ds is the oldest by a long way. He is nearly 17. I've been struggling with getting the younger dcs from school. Ds doesn't like taking the bus, so in return for lifts to school he does the pick up of the younger dcs. Still with me?

Today I specifically asked him to meet me on time because he's sometimes late on a Friday (he finishes at 3.20, the others finish at 3.30, which allows plenty of time).

I was then going to drop him off with his friends to go in to town for a few hours (regular occurrence, he's already done this twice this week and is off out again tomorrow).

Despite being reminded to be early, despite meeting me every day, he forgot. I finally got hold of him (he ignored his phone the first few times) and he had gone off in the wrong direction. Sorry for the essay. I finally got to the school very late, all was ok in the end.

I was angry he had let me down. I hadn't brought my crutches or support, I couldn't do the stairs, I admit I panicked that I simply physically couldn't get to my dcs.

I told him he couldn't go to town tonight as a consequence.

He's livid with me. Says he does everything (very much not the case, his one job is to walk from the car to the school and back once a day).

I am very upset and I admit that this is mostly with how shocked and helpless I felt. I couldn't get to my children, I didn't know what had happened to ds, and on any other day dh would have been 5 minutes away in an emergency, but he's away with work.

I'm pretty sure I've been unreasonable in taking him home with me, but I'm sick of him telling me that it's no big deal and I'm ruining his life.

Please be gentle. What should I do?

Museum, dh thinks we should give him the choice of being treated like an adult or a child.

Am really regretting doing a 6 hour round trip for him last week, to take him on an experience day that was bought with a voucher I was given (but couldn't use before the deadline because of said baby) for my birthday. Just because we wanted to spoil him and show him he was appreciated.

More fool me.

I can't believe people are saying at 17 he should just be seeing his mates and doing his own thing. Op is ill and heavily pregnant and asks him to walk from the car to the school and back again a few times a week in exchange for lifts. I don't think that's beyond a 17 year old, in fact he should be doing more to help at home especially while the Dh is away.
Op yanbu at all, he needs to keep in touch with you and not forget the one responsibility he has. Jeez. Gobsmacked at some if these replies.

My Dcs are 16,15 and 10

Once a week my 16 year old picks the 0 year old up after football. My 15 year old also does 1 day picking him up.
They cook dinner one night a week each
They do whatever stuff needs doing in the house
They do laundry. They walk the dog.

They watch the 10 year old if I am out.
There is no way on gods earth I would be providing a taxi service or feeling sorry that they couldn't go and meet their friends if they didn't think that collecting the younger one from school whilst I was struggling to walk was the right thing to do.

Families help each other. You don't get to say oh I'll take all the good bits of being part of a family but when i want to do something, that's more important.

And...a choice between treating him like an adult or a child? How does that work then? Because surely he will choose to be a child when it comes to being responsible and an adult when IT comes to going out etc?

My eldest is dd1, she's 14.

All dc are in school on the same campus, so one day a week dd2 (12) has athletics club which finishes just when dd1 is out of school.

So dd1 picks up dd2 and they come home on the bus together (usually dd1 gets the local bus and dd2 gets a school bus as she's in primary).

In return I'm relaxed about her getting picked up from The Boyfriends house.

(I am disabled and medically unfit to drive, so I delegate pickups to dh!)

It's just What We Do. It's life!

I think 16 is old enough to have small responsibilities like picking up a sibling or cooking the odd meal or hoovering. Its preparation for adulthood. However if he's always late on a Friday maybe he could help all week then have Fridays off. I do think you should be honest with him about your condition though, you can't expect him to empathise fully without full knowledge

Sorry dd2 is 10

I think dh's idea was that we stopped doing anything for him, he could cook, clean, get buses, wash up for himself and not contribute to the family in any way. In an attempt to break his sense of "I do loads to help out and no one does anything for me".

I don't know. He'll sometimes do things when asked. He'll mostly say no. I don't force him to help. Perhaps I should. I asked him to Hoover once a week, he's done it once in 2 months. If he's reminded I just get an "I'll do it later" and he never does. We had an argument last week after I took some washing in to his room and found he'd stuck a penknife into the top of my grandfather's army chest. Lots of our grumbles are normal teen stuff (he takes all my things and loses them in his room etc.) they're all fine, but wearing.

He refused to talk last night. So we're no further on.

It all boils down to the fact that in his head he's sorry he was "a bit late" and that I have no right to be upset, therefore no right to have been angry with him, and certainly no right to have not taken him straight in to town.

From what I have read, I don't think you have overreacted. He is becoming an adult, he made an arrangement with you and agreed to it, you are not expecting him to be the sole carer of your younger dc's but just walk into and out of the school while you are temporarily disabled? And he just forgot. Which isn't really on. I too would have been cross, and withdrawn his privilege. I expect his backlash is because he felt guilty and shit and that's how teenagers handle negative emotions, they push them onto someone else because they hate being wrong.

He has now apologised and I would accept that and talk through with him why it is really important that if he makes a promise or an agreement he must see it through, regardless of it later becoming inconvenient, this underpins him growing into a nice person.

I would also explain that it is ok to say no to requests for help, if he really doesn't think he can commit to it, but needs to think carefully about how much help he will get in return when he needs it, not just from you, but from everyone in life. If someone in his life made commitments to do something for him then constantly forgot and let him down, he would very quickly learn to not offer his help to them.

Stop feeling bad about it, you did the right thing.

I have NO idea what some of the posters are on about, none at all.

He wants a lift to school and home, in order to make that work he needs to walk from the car to their classroom to fetch them. Fuck me, it's hardly being left with them for 6 months is it

He sounds like a typical selfish teenager though (not all of them are selfish, but some are gobsmackingly so) and sometimes rude with it. If you ask him to do something he should do it - how come you and his Dad allow him to say 'No'? That has to stop. As does 'I'll do it later'. It's not acceptable.

Stop feeling bad. You're expectations are normal. To the posters saying ops asking too much, you're doing your dcs no favours. You think you're being kind but not expecting teenagers to help out creates entitled monsters.

I'm more of the 'soft parent creating brats' by the way. I don't get my teenagers to pull their weight for a quiet life and then stomp round resentfully.

Hundreds of children under 18 in this country act as carers to their disabled parents, cooking, cleaning and looking after younger siblings.

What you are asking of your 17 year old is very little indeed.
I am actually angry with posters who are suggesting otherwise.

At 17, my DD was expected to take a part in looking after the house and her younger sibling.
In return, I provided food, shelter and paid all the household bills. And gave her lifts when she needed them.

OP I think what you are asking of him is actually not enough. With younger DCs in the family I would be asking him to cook at least once a week, do some hoovering and see a few washing loads through as well.

And to the poster who suggested you give your DS Fridays off - disability doesn't take a day off.

Christ almighty - he is asked to help collect his siblings a couple of times a week and that's being equated to parenting.
He is supposed to help. It's a family not a fucking hotel.

Good grief. At 16 DS1 went on a professional first aid course so he could be left in sole charge of his disabled siblings.

The key thing is he thinks you over reacted. I would say, yes, I did, sorry. But that was because I haven't been truthful with you about how much pain I am in. In future I will give you the full story, as an adult.

If you are very annoyed with him you could mention pregnancy hormones

In an ideal world parents shouldn't expect older children to care for younger siblings but in real life it happens. I think you've actual given your son an adult option, he picks siblings up in exchange for mum's bespoke taxi service.

He 'forgot' and you struggled to cope it happens but he needs to realise that breaking a deal has consequences.

You've probably both calmed down a bit so have an adult conversation about how much pain your in, what he needs to do and what he can expect from you. Also the consequences if he feels he can't stick to any deal you both decide on.

If he won't help then you and dh have to agree to stay strong with the no lifts Tec.

Also have a plan b ready for unforseen emergencies with the school pick up. Is there a mum or two in your network you could phone who would walks the DC to the car to meet you?

"In an ideal world parents shouldn't expect older children to care for younger siblings"

I couldn't disagree more!

"He is supposed to help. It's a family not a fucking hotel."

This- times a million!!!

Thank you for all the responses. I've tried to respond twice this morning and the ether took my posts, so third time will hopefully be the charm.

He refused to engage last night, dh will be back at midday, and I intend to boil a kettle, sit us all down (with the dcs safely glued to the TV) and discuss what happened, what is generally happening, and how we go forward from here.

He's not a bad lad. He's lazy and selfish at the moment, and I want him to see how his contributions are small and straightforward, and he doesn't have a right to everything that is done for him. At the same time I want to listen to his grievances and discuss things rather than dictate (if at all possible).

"I'll do it later" will be considered a dirty word in this house.

I want him to understand that when he has upset someone else a lot, he doesn't get to decide that they "shouldn't" be upset and therefore he shouldn't be sorry.

And I need to be clear with him about how limited I am now.

I don't know if it will make a difference in the long term, we shall see.

A family is a community in my book and everyone has to muck in for it to work properly.
You haven't over- reacted and even though he's a self-absorbed teenager he needs to know that things are tough at the moment and he has to step up a bit.

That sounds a really good plan Fuckyou.

It sounds a great plan. Good luck with it.

Make sure he understands that as far as you're concerned he is a great lad. Teens can be so very defensive, and they might know they're being unreasonable but they still hate being told they're a bit crap.

I hope it goes well. Better make it a BIG pot of tea

Unfortunately the mums I know work full time, so aren't there for pick up.

I like the idea of using "yes I can see why you would only be able to see an overreaction, and that's because I haven't been completely honest with you about how much pain I am in, and how this is only going to get worse".

Any other time I could have called dh to help in an emergency, he works nearby. This was why dh and I had both individually reminded him of the importance of this one evening.

I am going to have to face up to how little I can do now. That's not easy. It's hard to accept that you can't do something so simple. And that's why it was so upsetting. I was so helpless and powerless and I couldn't do something so easy that would take me five minutes normally.

I think no matter what, if similar circumstances occur when I've got no backup if he lets me down, I can't rely on him again.

Hopefully I can sort something with the school.

Don't worry, I will be saying the positive stuff too :)

Brilliant plan, OP, specially this bit: I want him to understand that when he has upset someone else a lot, he doesn't get to decide that they "shouldn't" be upset and therefore he shouldn't be sorry.
There are loads of adults who don't understand that, so you are doing him a great service pointing it out now!

Get him to suggest what he thinks is reasonable contribution to the household . . .

Just one word for the midday session.

Cake.

You have time to knock out a Victoria sandwich.

Never underestimate the power of cake to make a surly teen feel loved underneath.