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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Think I've probably just cocked up. I have a very angry ds :(

151 replies

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 03/10/2014 18:03

I am pregnant, on crutches with SPD, and generally in pain and exhausted.

Ds is the oldest by a long way. He is nearly 17. I've been struggling with getting the younger dcs from school. Ds doesn't like taking the bus, so in return for lifts to school he does the pick up of the younger dcs. Still with me?

Today I specifically asked him to meet me on time because he's sometimes late on a Friday (he finishes at 3.20, the others finish at 3.30, which allows plenty of time).

I was then going to drop him off with his friends to go in to town for a few hours (regular occurrence, he's already done this twice this week and is off out again tomorrow).

Despite being reminded to be early, despite meeting me every day, he forgot. I finally got hold of him (he ignored his phone the first few times) and he had gone off in the wrong direction. Sorry for the essay. I finally got to the school very late, all was ok in the end.

I was angry he had let me down. I hadn't brought my crutches or support, I couldn't do the stairs, I admit I panicked that I simply physically couldn't get to my dcs.

I told him he couldn't go to town tonight as a consequence.

He's livid with me. Says he does everything (very much not the case, his one job is to walk from the car to the school and back once a day).

I am very upset and I admit that this is mostly with how shocked and helpless I felt. I couldn't get to my children, I didn't know what had happened to ds, and on any other day dh would have been 5 minutes away in an emergency, but he's away with work.

I'm pretty sure I've been unreasonable in taking him home with me, but I'm sick of him telling me that it's no big deal and I'm ruining his life.

Please be gentle. What should I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 04/10/2014 12:36

:)

It went well.

He started off refusing tea and cake and sitting with arms firmly crossed. He gave his version of yesterday first. Then I have him my POV.

I told him that he didn't have to help out and get the kids, he said that he wanted to get them. Which was a very good start.

He accepted and apologised sincerely, and doesn't want the arrangement to change, although I offered more than once.

We then discussed how we all contribute to the house and that this isn't "favours" (or if it is, I win!), it's a family working together. He has agreed to Hoover the landing weekly, fill and empty the dishwasher daily, and do his own laundry.

He asked for an increase in his allowance, I pointed out that the offer of paying him to do work on the garden stood. He accepted that.

We discussed lifts and buses and he will make his own way home from seeing friends from now on.

We hugged and I got a mumbled "love you".

There was (I think) an understanding that increased freedom means increased responsibility.

We also discussed how he responds to requests, and clarified what was acceptable.

At no point after his initial complaint did he say that what happened yesterday was unfair (although he may still think it, I think it's "done"). I did clarify how little I can do, and he stressed again that he wants to help (which made me very proud).

So from here on in there will be no more "I'll do it later", and that being in the middle of a (3 hour) phone call didn't constitute "being busy", although homework was of course negotiable.

Thank you so much for all the advice (and I do mean all of it).

Thanks for everyone. Oh and Cake

Cake is a choice of cream or chocolate.

OP posts:
Original poster
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 04/10/2014 12:36

I didn't apologise, and he wasn't given the option not to attend :)

OP posts:
Rascalls3 · 04/10/2014 12:58

Well done!!! I have been reading this thread but not commenting as everyone else was doing such a good job. The outcome has actually made me quite tearfulBlush So great that you are all moving forward together. Just lovely!

noddyholder · 04/10/2014 12:59

That sounds like it went well! Sometimes they just need it spelled out

Guitargirl · 04/10/2014 13:03

That sounds as though it went really well and you both sound very reasonable, I think it's great that you can talk with him like this.

DownByTheRiverside · 04/10/2014 13:09

Be prepared for needing to help him remember for the next couple of months until it becomes a habit for him.
Don't get disheartened if he hasn't quite had a complete Damascan conversion and needs a boot in the bum occasionally, he's on the road but not there yet!

MiscellaneousAssortment · 04/10/2014 13:09

Do you know what? If you turn out a young man who sees contributing to a family not in terms of 'helping' and 'favours' but as a natural part of the rights and responsibilities of family life... You will have done an amazing job. And helped your son develop into a man that will be able to have equal and functioning relationships in a way sooo many can't in the previous generation.

It struck me with your word 'favours' that teens who are allowed to think that, may turn into grown ups who 'help out' their wife with housework and 'babysit' their own kids.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 04/10/2014 13:18

At 17 I was buying my sisters school things for her from my earnings! Picking her up from school would have been an easier option!

Also he should really be able to get himself to and from wherever he wants to be! I travelled an hour alone to and from college at 16.

Pagwatch · 04/10/2014 13:31

That went well - how great.

I completely agree with the idea that freedom and responsibilty increase at the same rate.
It is a process and it's not a one off conversation but soooo worth it. As MiscellaneousAssortment says its the difference between a young adult seeing themselves as contributing to the running of the household to everyone's benefit and helping out mum as one kind of grudging favour.

Enjoy your cake Smile

Beastofburden · 04/10/2014 13:40

Well done! Now put your feet up and eat cake.

ChippingInLatteLover · 04/10/2014 13:51

Great :) It's a good starting point and nice to have removed the tension!

I'll have a bit of each Cake please :)

Itsfab · 04/10/2014 16:39

I hope things get better for you now, OP.

Cake for you.

This morning this was said

Me - DS1 (13yr) can you take the laundry basket downstairs please? I am not meant to lift at the moment.

DS1 - You don't have to say that, you can just ask me to take it down.

Me Shock considering all the times he huffs about doing his jobs it through me as has come out of nowhere.

Kids get pocket money and are expected to do a couple of jobs each day. Sometimes they will have to do a particular job once a day, other times could be 3 or 4 times. I constantly have to ask them to do it and they definitely see them as linked to getting money which is our mistake. I have pointed out - when they say they haven't made the mess, etc - that I haven't made their clothes dirty so why should I wash them? Silence.

At what age can you ask a sibling to watch another or is it all down to the children involved as I suspect it is?

Currently DS1 and DD are alone for a few minutes each school day and sometimes they will stay at home if I am doing errands with DS2 and they don't want to come. DS2 is 9 and sometimes thinks he should be allowed to stay as well and DS1 will look after him..

Finola1step · 04/10/2014 16:51

I agree that teens who grow up thinking that the are doing their parents a "favour" are likely to think that they "babysit" their own dc. Or fully expect their parents to look after their dc as an when it suits them.

Hullygully · 04/10/2014 16:55

what pag said

families help each other

the end

Hullygully · 04/10/2014 16:56

oh, read back now

well done op, good show

Viviennemary · 04/10/2014 17:01

I think he is expected to do a lot at his age. He isn't responsible for his siblings. And he genuinely forgot. I think it would be mean of you to say you won't do this that or the other for him.

Pagwatch · 04/10/2014 17:02

My DS1 would babysit for DS2 (9) and DD (3) when he was 13.
Now DD is 12 and I leave her at home on her own for a while. She's at secondary school and walks to school. She's old enough not to be stupid and phone me if she needs anything.

I think obviously it can depend on the individual child but I think giving children responsibility makes them confident and increases how capable they are.

Dd cleans her room, packs her bags, bakes, cooks herself breakfast some mornings (omlette or fried egg), goes to town alone and walks to school. She's earnt independence and she loves it.

Pagwatch · 04/10/2014 17:04

Hey Hully

ChippingInLatteLover · 04/10/2014 17:08

I think he is expected to do a lot at his age. He isn't responsible for his siblings. And he genuinely forgot. I think it would be mean of you to say you won't do this that or the other for him

Hoover the landing weekly, fill and empty the dishwasher daily, and do his own laundry

You think that is a lot?? Really??

He is never responsible for his siblings. For the eleventy billionth time, he gets picked up from school (meaning his mum can't get to the little ones school earlier) and he goes in to collect them and take them out to the car. 5 whole minutes of 'responsbility' then he's free to do as he pleases - the OP even willingly drops him off at his friends if he wishes.

I bet he did NOT forget, he decided to slink away and hope he wasn't pulled up on it! IF he forgot, he should have apologised, not kicked off.

The OP hasn't said she wont do xyz for him?!

ImperialBlether · 04/10/2014 17:10

Too late now you've had the talk, but I was going to say you could trade favours, so that he vacuums on Sunday and you'll give him lifts on Monday. He makes his pasta bake on Monday night and you'll give him lifts on Tuesday. I'm sure you could find half a dozen jobs for him!

ChippingInLatteLover · 04/10/2014 17:11

Gosh Pag DD seems to have got to 12 quickly Shock

HolgerDanske · 04/10/2014 17:49

I think MiscellaneousAssortment has made the most important point in the thread, tbh. What a good thing to keep in mind when dealing with young men, and a very positive and proactive principle to stick to when weighing up how and what to teach them in regards to 'helping' at home.

HolgerDanske · 04/10/2014 17:52

And Pagwatch demonstrates nicely what I meant about children and young adults positively thriving on greater independence and responsibility (within appropriate bounds).

Congrats on your talk, OP and good luck in implementing it Smile

Do not be disillusioned if you have to remind and enforce until it becomes a habit.

Itsfab · 04/10/2014 18:13

through threwBlush.

Pagwatch · 04/10/2014 19:32

God I know Chipping - ds2 is 18 next week Shock

It's all not possible. Really. I'm that old [wrinkled face]