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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Im 18, have fallen pregnant. I dont know what the right decision is, can anyone help?

265 replies

lucyw19 · 17/09/2006 15:00

I 18, i dont know what to do, HELP!!!

OP posts:
Blu · 18/09/2006 17:48

Right now, do you want to be a mother?
Is it the right time for you to be a mother?
You have to listen to you, yourself and you, and your most heartfelt insticnt, not what anyone else wants.

Good luck.

lucyw19 · 18/09/2006 17:48

mumandlovinit,

thanku for all that great advice, thats helped a lot!

Im still totally confused, but i like to be in control so knowing the housing and the benifits id recieve helps a lot.

I live in suffolk, so not too far from you?

wb x

OP posts:
mumandlovingit · 18/09/2006 17:49

i know people might moan at me for saying this but if you do decide not to have the baby then make the decision soon as there's a tablet type thing you can take which will terminate the pregnancy but i think its only up to around 6-8 weeks or something then you have to have the more invasive procedures to terminate.

im sure there's lots of help in your area for young women having children and support groups etc, there are around here and the midwife could put you into contact with those before you've even had the baby if you need support.you're never on your own as long as you ask for help when you need it.
search the internet.im sure i saw a site before that was especially for teenage mums telling their stories and support etc if you want to look at people's experiences who are your age.

lucyw19 · 18/09/2006 17:51

the thought of having a baby is of course nice, but i just dont no how to think

=(

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mumandlovingit · 18/09/2006 17:57

no not too far from me.suffolk is lowestoft, ipswich etc think.im norwich area.dont be scared about finances.you will be fine.im currently on income support and supoprting my two children.their father and i are having a bit of time apart.he still sees the kids but lives elsewhere.the housing pay my rent ad council tax and i get income support, tax credit and child benefit.its tight money but i cope and so do alot of other people.you just have to be realistic with your money ad not blow it all on designer outfits etc.you can do it if thats what you want to do and dont let anyone tell you you cant work with a child, thats rubbish.im getting a job after xmas when my youngest is full time in school.by the way if you are on low income or not working when you have your baby you can apply for a maternity grant of £500 from the social and you can claim up to 3 months after the birth if you're working before the birth to help fund things for the baby like pram etc.
sounds silly but if i was in that situation, like i was when i had to decide whether to keep the baby when my partner and i broke up, i sat on my own, tv off, music off, no compuer and sat alone and really thought about deep down what i wanted and whether ther desire to have the child was stronger than the desire to not have it and thought about how i would feel if i did terminate.thats how i came to my decision and i told people my decision and ignored anyones comments that were different to what i wanted.just an idea for you.

lucyw19 · 18/09/2006 18:03

I think i need to sit alone and really think, but my mind trails off.

tbh i have nothing planned accept the midwifery course, which hasnt been completed (the form i mean) ive never known what i wnat in life where as my sister for instance wnats to go to uni etc!

ive never made my own mind about anything.. thats why its soo hard

OP posts:
mumandlovingit · 18/09/2006 18:08

talk to your mum or go to the doctor and ask to speak to a councellor.after everything ive been through my mum is still there for me and supported me through everything.a baby is a big responsibility but so it termination.could you face not having the baby and getting to all the milestones like the due date and xmases etc knowing that there could've been a child there? if you could then you've got two choices.if you couldnt then there's only one.got to get kids tea out now but take care of yourself okay and have a heart to heart with yourself, even if its writing to yourself in a diary, it'll help to get your feelings out.

lucyw19 · 18/09/2006 18:11

thankyou x

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bev1e · 18/09/2006 18:41

You must do what is right for you. Not what you THINK everyone would like you to do. Your parents and your boyfriend will have opposing views and both will think they know what will be best for you but deep down you are the only one who can make that decision and unfortunately you are going to upset some people in making that decision. You are the one who is going to have to live with the choice you make. You are the one who will beat yourself up in the mirror every morning if you don't make the choice that is right for you.

Whilst the advice on here has tended to sway to the positives of "it can be done" I'm one of the few that thinks you have your life to live before you think about being responsible for a baby.

lucyw19 · 18/09/2006 18:45

Thanku bev, i dont really know how to make the right decision, im just stuck

OP posts:
bev1e · 18/09/2006 18:51

Regardless of other people's feelings (i.e. what you think your mum will say and how you know your boyfriend is feeling) do you want a baby now? In your heart would you like to be solely responsible for a baby now?

bev1e · 18/09/2006 18:52

Sorry I'm not asking you to answer that here but to think about it for yourself. Do you have a gt reaction to the question (again don't answer it here just for yourself).

bev1e · 18/09/2006 18:53

Gut reaction - not gt reaction, sorry.

mumandlovingit · 18/09/2006 19:05

agree with you bev1e

alot has swayed towards the, it can de done, but sometimes peple dont realise what help they'd get and abort thinking they'd be left to go through it all alone and without all the facts i think its hard for someone to make an informed decision.
i hope lucyw19, you havent thought that ive been trying to sway your decision one way.it is entirely your choice and decision and as long as you are appy that you've made the right decision in the end then it doesnt matter what anyone else wants.its you that has to live with your decision, no one else.with or without a baby you've got your whole life ahead of you with alot of opportunities.take the time to make sure you're making the right decision whatever you decide and dont feel that you have to post your deicision on here if you dont want to, its your private decision and no one would think any less of you if you didnt

mumandlovingit · 18/09/2006 19:05

my spelling is crap again, sorry

lucyw19 · 18/09/2006 19:06

ill think about it =] thanku for the advice!

i need to think lng and hard

OP posts:
StitchtheCrafter · 18/09/2006 19:10

no one can giv eyou advice. we all answer, with the best of intentions, but from our own perspetives. our own lives, our own characters.
we know nothing about you, your circumstances, your beliefs, your hope and dreams. nothing.

lucyw19 · 18/09/2006 19:11

its good to hear what everyone thinks =]

nothing is swaying me =]

thank you

OP posts:
jacksma · 18/09/2006 20:58

I haven't had time to read all of this and someone may have said this already but when I was 20 I fell pregnant and the best peice of advise I received was "do what you feel is best but if you decide to have a baby it must be because you want a baby not because you don't want an abortion" - that sorted my head out a bit. I wish you all the best - it is not easy.

tammybear · 18/09/2006 21:21

I haven't read the whole thread, just the first few posts, so sorry if I repeat a lot of what might have been said.

I was 17 when I found out I was pregnant. It was scary to find out at first, and I was petrified of what my parents would say. I was quite surprised on their response tbh. They were very calm when I told them, although still shocked.

I'm now 22, my daughter is 4 in December, and I am very happy. I'm no longer with my partner, but that was a decision I made myself when my daughter was 8 months old. I've been doing part time college for the past 2 or 3 years, and starting again in a couple of weeks, and I also work part time. Money's tight, but at the moment, I'm renting out so all my money's going there, and I'm actually moving back into my mum's next week just so I can save money.

At the end of the day, it is your decision (sorry know it's been said a few times). Have input from your partner, family, friends, doctor etc, but it's down to you. It is a big decision because it's so life changing, but I think deep down you know what you want to do, although you may not know it yet. Doubts, fears and worries will always come into play because it's such a huge step, no matter how old you are, but probably more so when you're still fairly youngish yourself.

If you feel you can't speak to someone that you know, try speaking to your doctor or a support group that you could phone. Even if you're not asking for advice from them, least it's you getting all your thoughts and feelings out into the open to someone, and it may help you realise how you feel about it all.

If you do decide to have this baby, you can still go back to education, and do the midwife course you wanted. And we all want to give our children the best possible things in life, but the most important thing they need is the love from their mother.

Sorry if that seems a bit patronising or condesending or anything, but my brains a bit meh at the moment, so I can't think properly lol.

Astrophe · 18/09/2006 21:22

I don't know if anyone has said this, but there is a third option Lucy. You could have the baby and have it adopted by another family. I'm not saying this would be easy (but none of the options are) but I know there are thousands of loving people who would love to bring up your baby. Something to think about.

If you are interested in this you should post on the 'adoptions' topic as there are many lovely ladies there who have adopted and could tell you more about the process and about the input you could have in finding a home for you baby.

I hope you are ok Lucy. Have you had a better day after the blue with your BF?

fussymummy · 18/09/2006 23:03

Hi again Lucy, I don't know if anyone has mentioned it yet, but do you have a family planning advice centre near you????

If so, you'd be able to get loads of advice from there.

lucyw19 · 19/09/2006 08:36

Me aznd my bf talked a bit last night, he toild me he wants to be with me whatever choice i make, but i still dont know what to do!

OP posts:
fussymummy · 19/09/2006 09:53

Great that you're talking about baby at last.
I can't remember, but do you live at home with your parents still???

lucyw19 · 19/09/2006 13:17

yeah i do..well my mum.

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