Im 18, have fallen pregnant. I dont know what the right decision is, can anyone help?

[lucyw19]

I 18, i dont know what to do, HELP!!!

True, everyone panics whe they find out, even people who have been married for years and baby is planned. Give yourself some time to think carefully and calm down

Charlee, I agree that the decision making process should be both partners but the final decision lies with the mother I think.

there are a lot of young very good mothers out there but also alot of bad ones and many however hard they try and up in years of financial hardship and depressed, AND alone, you are only 18, I didn't have my baby until I was 28 and despite working with problem children for years, nothing prepared me for the trials of parenthood, I love her more than the earth but its not easy sorry to be negative

Lucy, perhaps this is not what you want to hear, but you say that your Dr said it would be hard for you to conceive, yes? And you have! I know the timing is not perfect, and I know it will be hard for a few years, especially if you had been planning to study...but this child is a blessing -all children are -, and isn't there a chance that this is your only one?

My partner is 19, and ive asked him what he wnats because i think its fair for him to have his opinion. as i think it could affect our relationship watver decision. Im not saying id keep it just for him though.

We told his parents and their really happy for us, but i need my parents.
His parents are also talkign about marriage, which i have a bit of a trouble with i finding out as my parents broke up when i was young and when ever it comes up i feel weird and uncomfortable.

Ive tried to talk to him, but he just comes up with solutions for everything which isnt always what you wnat to hear is it?

Oh yes i no that im lucky as some ppl cant concieve at all. But its still a shock which i need to vent to ppl that are wiser than me.

Someone told me that i may have dobts right up untill the birth.

Its just dealing with them .

You said earlier on that you are excited about it. To me, that says a lot. You also said it will change your life - this happens whenever you have your first child. Just because you feel you won't have money doesn't mean the baby would miss out on things. It would have all it really needs in you (and your partner).

Message withdrawn

On some days i see babies and i think wow, i cant wait to have mine.

Then it flips over nad i just worry about everything, my parents, money, education etc.

My partner gets annoyed because he wants it and i cant decide.

I dont live with my partner either, his parents said we can live thier but, i dont want to.

My MIL was, I think, 18 or 19 when she had DH. Which means that when she was my age, she was packing him off to university! I, on the other hand, have just had DD.

In other words, her parenting was done virtually before mine started! (give or take 5 years or so since DH has a younger brother too).

lucy I have felt daunted every time I have been pregnant - and worried about money, and the other children (after the first one). When I got pregnant 'by sruprise' this time I was a real mix of feeling - I hada grin on my face for half the day and wept with fear the other half - mixed feelings and doubts are common

its good to vent and talk Lucy, wasn't saying that you shouldn't I have 2 kids -my little one is 6 months and he is driving me crazy with not sleeping etc. So I'm not sugesting all will be rosy for you, and of course your situation is more difficult as I am not as young as you are. But I wouldn't be without him you know - he and my little girl bring me such joy. I'm not trying to bully you or anythiing and I knwo this is a decision you have to make, but I just wouldn't want you to miss out on what I have, or for your baby to miss out on having you as a mummy, as you are obviously a loving and thoughtful person and would love your baby dearly.

I'll be thinking of you. Keep talking on here - its good talk and it will help you think clearly.

Hard question: Could you cope with having had a termination?

I couldn't. I considered it when I fel pregnant with DD, even though she was very much planned. I just fel into a downward spiral of terror and fright at the thought of another baby now that it had become real. After talking to my GP I came to realise that I couldn't go through with a termination. I look at DD now and know I made the right choice. My GPs advice was that once you have made your choice, shut the door on the other option and focus on the choice you have made.

I am the same soupdragon - I don't think IO would ever be able to get over it...I certainly don't think its an easier option than having the baby

I think you need to see a counsellor to properly talk through the options.

Reading your posts I see a slighly frightened child who is under immense pressure from the people who love her.

Having a child will TOTALLY CHANGE your life, thats not a bad thing - it might help you grow up fast, give you focus, determination to do all the things that you want to do. But to have a child and resent it and the people who pressurised you into having one is a terrible thing.

There is no incorrect choice, my parents had me and my brother young and by the time they were in their late thirties they had their "freedom" back whilst their friends all had young families and had lost their "freedom". But I think that the important thing is that it is YOUR CHOICE, when we make decisions for ourselves we tend to be able to deal with the consquences ourselves.

I hadnt cried at all about it, untill today. I just felt numb.

I feel as though my mind isnt my own.

I thought i may be able to tlk to my ister baout it, she 15 but quite mature for her age.

She said i was stupid to even think about it and it would be selfish on me and my child. She also said that it would kill my mum, thats the worst pain.

That hurt me a lot, but what does a 15 yr old know.

It won't kill your mum.

agree Soupy and MrsA..I couldn't do it. Remember you have to live with your decision Lucy.

I think that it is great that you are talking things out on MN, and I really hope tat you carry on doing just this.

I would also encourage you to talk face to face with someone who has no personal involvement in your pregnancy. I think that it would help you to talk through your options, the positives and negatives of any decision that you make with someone who is trained and is dispasionate in this.

Can you ask your gp to refer you to a councellor?

Is there an impartial person you can talk to this sbout face to face?

You will get good advice on MN, but I get the feeling that atm you need a little more help than we can probably give you.

hi lucyw19, i know how you feel, i was 18 when i fell pregnant and my dp supported my decision to keep the baby, it took a long time to sink in that i would be a mother but it all fell into plce once my dd came.

im now 21 and have a ds too who is 8 weeks. i havent had my familys help as my family are bengali and went against their 'faith'.

your dp seems very supportive, but make sure you make the right decision for yourself which you wont end up regretting. good luck xx

I dont no if i could, i think id regret it too much.

and yes i think once uve decided you should stick to it, thats why i havent made a decision, which my partner cant undertsand.

I appreciate all of ur advice, its really helping =]

want to echo soupdragon - your mum will get over it

I think you need to look at the whole picture of your relationship and think of how a child will affect everything and if you are ready for it.
You may decide to keep your baby and hopefully everything will turn out how you want in life.
But if you decide on a termination it is not necessarily the wrong choice either.
I got pregnant at 17 my boyfriend at the time wanted it and I thought I did too. My parents thought differently and convinced me to have a termination and I felt very guilty at the time etc
BUT I've had/have a good happy life lovely children and dh, I look back and know I made the right decision. I wouldn't have had the things I have now and looking back at the ex-partner what an awful life I would have given the child.
Just take your time and do not be rushed by anyone.

Speak to your GP and get him to refer you to a counsellor.

To be honest you are not going to get particuraly impartial advice from a forum full of mums. No offence meant to anyone, and there has been some useful advice but it is quite pro having the baby.

Before the whole thing with DD, I always thought I could do it. Now, whilst I remain vehemently pro-choice, for me it's not an option.

I'm trying to think what my GP said as he was fab... something about whether you see it as a baby or just a problem to be fixed. Those who see it as the latter get through it easier. I realised I saw it as the former though. There's nothing wrong with whichever way you see it but it affects how you form your decision and how you deal with it later.