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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

16 year old daughter experimenting with sex

183 replies

trace2274 · 13/05/2014 07:40

Im a single mum and my 16 yr old daughter and I have always been good friends until recently. She has met a 18 yr old boy from the same school, and doesnt seem to want to confide in me anymore. I used to trust my daughter completey, but have recently lost faith in her as I discovered recent internet searchs in anal sex and sexual parasites. She is in the middle of her GCSE's at the minute and dont want to cause her stress, but I feel that I cant allow her to behave in this manner, but I am at a loss as in how to speak to her and raise the subject. Any help and advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

OP posts:
TequilaMockingbirdy · 13/05/2014 12:16

BUTT OUT

Selks · 13/05/2014 12:22

You came on here asking for advice and opinions, you got them. No need to have a tantrum and be insulting because they don't fit with your viewpoint.

Original poster
trace2274 · 13/05/2014 12:26

Yes TequilaMockingJay, very immature.

OP posts:
Original poster
trace2274 · 13/05/2014 12:32

I agree I did come on this site, looking for advice, but not for insults. But believe me, I will be staying away from this site in future. I have in no way, shape or form insulted anyone in particular, but some comments and insults on this thread were deliberately directed towards me. How can anyone be so malicious as to insult someone who is honestly looking for a little help!?

OP posts:
SoonToBeSix · 13/05/2014 12:34

What is wrong with posters today this is not aibu this is a first time poster who is upset looking for advice and support. Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. And for what it's worth I agree with her, 16 year old school girls having anal sex is not ok. Like I said before just because something is legal doesn't make it right. My dd will be 16 in a few months time if I found similar internet searches I would be equally upset and most definitely not ok with it.?

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 13/05/2014 12:37

I think it is morally and unnaturally wrong at any age.

And lots of people disagree - some of which are on this site. It's sex. It might not be what floats your boat, but that doesn't make it morally wrong.

Your DD's attitude to school is a separate issue from whether she is having sex, anal or otherwise. Perhaps the boyfriend is a bad influence, or perhaps she's just hit the point of being fed up. But if you go into a discussion with her about her attitude to school and mix it up with whether or not she is engaging in anal sex, you are unlikely to get anywhere. You also risk inhibiting her from coming to you to talk about sex/personal problems.

You say you trust your daughter - so on the sex side, trust her to be sensible and let her know that you love her and you hope she is being sensible, and make sure she knows she can come to you if she needs help or advice. On the attitude side - sit her down and ask her if there is a problem you can help with, stressing you are worried about her and you want her to know she can talk to you.

chicaguapa · 13/05/2014 12:39

I think it is morally and unnaturally wrong at any age.

Morally wrong! Really?

Is that what you would have told DD if she'd started up a conversation with you about it? Shock

If so, it's probably a good idea that she's not talking to you about her impending sexual relationship with her bf. You should be offering advice not being judgmental (IMO).

Selks · 13/05/2014 12:39

Soon, advice and support was offered, it was just not what the OP wanted to hear.

avianaz · 13/05/2014 12:50

Why is anal sex morally wrong? (Genuinely curious!)

Anyway not the point of the thread... OP it's your decision to not do it, but it's NOT your decision if your daughter does. It's her body. You can ban sexual activity from the house, but that's about it.

I think this might be one of the tougher areas of parenting, when your kid starts to grow into themselves and doesn't share your views and ideals. I certainly know there are some things I'm highly strung about, but irrationally. If they think differently to me I'll have to let it go, let them be themselves. Maybe it gets easier over time.

Original poster
trace2274 · 13/05/2014 12:58

SoonToBeSix. Again, thankyou, from the bottom of my heart. I came here to ask for some help, now, to be honest I am sitting here in tears, by some of the comments, I feel more lost than ever, and cant believe some people can be so hurtful.

OP posts:
titchy · 13/05/2014 12:59

I really don't get how you can leap to the conclusion she is having anal sex just because she googled it? Hell last week I googled 'round the world cruises' - doesn't mean I'll be going on one any time soon. Far more likely she just wanted to know what it actually involved etc.

And clearly she felt (correctly as it turns out) that she couldn't ask you about it as you thinks anything other than PIV sex is morally repugnant.

FantasticButtocks · 13/05/2014 13:08

The first thing OP, is to calm down and stop panicking.

The most likely explanation for the things you found on the computer, in my opinion, is that some of it may have been mentioned by her boyfriend, and perhaps she didn't believe such a thing existed, so looked it up on the internet.

Do not jump to the conclusion that she is actually doing this stuff.

The most important thing is that you and your DD don't lose your ability to communicate. If you go wading in, and especially if you have got this wrong, you may alienate her and stop her being able to talk to you. Try and talk to her, and let her know she can still talk to you about anything she wants, there are no closed subjects.

And breathe...

Original poster
trace2274 · 13/05/2014 13:10

Again you are assuming that you know what and what not myself and my daughter talk about. I have taught her values and I have taught her morals, which were instilled in me as a young girl. Yes, I do think, it is unnatural and I do think it is immoral, and I do think that no self respecting girl, especially one so young should be engaging in that type of sexual activity, and does anybody really think that if my daughter lets this guy do this to her, that she will be respected by him!?

OP posts:
Original poster
trace2274 · 13/05/2014 13:15

Thankyou FantasticButtocks! :-D

OP posts:
TantrumsAndBalloons · 13/05/2014 13:17

I'm really sorry trace but there's your problem right there.

If you have told her that anything other than PIV sex is immoral and disgusting she isn't going to talk to you about anything sexual.

Believe me, I have heard things from my DCs, not necessarily what they have done themselves but have heard from friends etc that make me a little uncomfortable but I don't show it. I talk to them about it, explain that not everyone does the same things, likes the same things. That no one should be pressured into doing something because "everyone else does it" but at the same time to understand its ok to want to try different stuff as long as you do it safely and with a person who respects you and cares about you and isn't putting pressure on you to do something that makes you uneasy.

If you are judgemental and horrified she won't talk to you.

Atbeckandcall · 13/05/2014 13:32

Your dd is allowed as a human being, a different opinion to you as to whether or not anal sex is acceptable.

FWIW, anal is not my cup of tea, never has been, never will be. That's not to say I judge those who do (and I know boys and girls who enjoy it).

You're asking people to not judge you on here but I'm sorry to say you've been the most judgemental of everyone.

You have states that there is a "type" that has anal sex, clearly someone who is unintelligent and not sensible, unlike your dd.

I'm not having a go at you, and neither do I feel angry or upset by some of your comments. I actually feel sad that you are so blinkered and that you're potentially going to think less of your dd over something that is not an issue.

The duty you have to your dd is to ensure that you've educated her on safe sex from the risk of unwanted pregnancy and STDs. And that any kind of sexual act, from kissing to sex to spanking and whatever else MUST be mutually agreed and she that she mustn't feel she should do anything she doesn't want to.

OP, I respect your very strong and clear morals and boundaries, you must give your dd the same respect.

Original poster
trace2274 · 13/05/2014 13:39

I have never been judgemental towards my daughter. I agree that what she does and who she does it with, when she truely is an adult. Is her business. But, as I stressed earlier while she is still so young and wholley in my care. I think I (hope I have a right) to teach her certain morals. I have had plenty relationships in the past, and I know from experience , that with guys that age, if you give them an inch, they take a mile, also, some (not all) like to brag. Considering this guys age, and knowing my daughter as well as I do, id hate for to be taken advantage of, because I know, that she wouldnt be able to deal with it. Only last summer she had to deal with extreme bullying from former "friends" to the extent that police were involved , this almost devastated her. I had to basically hold her every night while she cried herself to sleep. Since then I have been extra cautious with my daughters well being and happiness, I have also found it extremely hard to cope on my own. My daughter tells me everyday that she loves me, as I tell her. So the thought of someone taking advantage, of an already vulnerable girl, is appalling to me. Especially in such a way.

OP posts:
avianaz · 13/05/2014 13:46

But why is it unnatural and immoral? It doesn't result in a child, but neither do blow jobs, masturbation or even sex with condoms (which you are okay with). You could even go as far to say sex at any time but ovulation! Of course this might not be your reasoning (just a common one for people against gay relationships and anal) but I think it IS important to scrutinize the things you learnt as a child and took for granted.

Something I think you'd find interesting is the book "I'm OK Your OK" which goes over transactional analysis... the "parent" part of us is the part that holds on to everything we learned from our parents before we could think for ourselves, without question. Can the the cause of irrational prejudices. ;)

Anal isn't the evil or shameful act that has been portrayed to you... it's very common, and to those who like it, very enjoyable. Pretty sure a lot of people on mn do it/have done and you can't say all these people's partners disrespect them for it!

In your shoes I'd be worrying about the kind of guy she is doing things with - not the acts themselves. Yes I would be worried too! I think it's completely fair enough. What if he was immature and seen sex as something to be "won" from women, and disrespected your daughter with their friends - especially at that immature age!

Maybe a good idea to think about this, and understand your own worries better, so you can articulate advice better and talk about it properly.

Tantrums makes an excellent post. :)

Original poster
trace2274 · 13/05/2014 13:48

And also I did not state that anyone who indulges in that particular sexual activity is unintelligent or the unintellectual type, you clearly picked me up wrong( maybe its my fault ,I didnt express it right) I merely meant that my daughter didnt fit the 'type' of teenage girl that experimented at all, as she herself, has had opinions of girls who are her age and older who are sexually active. The reason entirely, why I was so shocked!

OP posts:
avianaz · 13/05/2014 13:49

trace we x posted - I think that last one was much more fair enough. Why don't you try talking to your daughter about that? About how some people can be.

I think it's lovely how much you talk, myself I can't talk to my mother lol!

Maryz · 13/05/2014 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
trace2274 · 13/05/2014 13:58

Thankyou avianas! Thankyou! :-D im sorry if I seemed judgemental, I didnt intend to be. Im just very concerned and extremely worried about her.

OP posts:
Atbeckandcall · 13/05/2014 14:01

There's no such thing as a type Trace.

I was head prefect at school. Played in the school orchestra and woodwind band, sang in the choir, was in school productions and church choirs. I spent most of my weekends mucking out ponies and helping out at the yard. I got very good grades at school too.

I also smoked, drank, dabbled with weed and hooked up with unsavoury types.

My mum just didn't know about any of that's because I HAD to hide it from her. She wasn't approachable about (sounds like you are more approachable than her) sex or alcohol and was/is very closed off. If it wasn't on her approved list she wasn't discussing it.

I think that's why I got rather experimental, if she wasn't going to chat about it I had to find out myself.

When it comes to sexual preference there is no such thing as a type. Trust me.

imip · 13/05/2014 14:08

Just because she is googling anal sex, it doesn't mean she is considering doing it. As mentioned upthread, how many surprising web pages have you ended up on because you've clicked a link?

Though I don't think anal sex is unnatural; some people do, some people don't. It doesn't make her deviant. She is still your lovely daughter, she is just growing up....

Selks · 13/05/2014 14:20

Why does this thread make you feel unclean, Maryz?