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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

16 year old daughter experimenting with sex

183 replies

trace2274 · 13/05/2014 07:40

Im a single mum and my 16 yr old daughter and I have always been good friends until recently. She has met a 18 yr old boy from the same school, and doesnt seem to want to confide in me anymore. I used to trust my daughter completey, but have recently lost faith in her as I discovered recent internet searchs in anal sex and sexual parasites. She is in the middle of her GCSE's at the minute and dont want to cause her stress, but I feel that I cant allow her to behave in this manner, but I am at a loss as in how to speak to her and raise the subject. Any help and advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

OP posts:
Unexpected · 13/05/2014 09:36

I have no idea if you are genuine or not but am finding the idea of being able to pick up the phone just to have a chat with your GP interesting - did it not occur to you to speak to your daughter before you spoke to the GP? Have you even pulled her up on her attendance since the phone call with school or are you unable to discuss that with her as well?

TantrumsAndBalloons · 13/05/2014 09:41

Look, teenagers look for all sorts of things on the Internet.

It doesn't mean they are doing them.

You need to be talking to your daughter, not a GP.
Talk to her about her attendence. But talk to her about sex. If this is her first boyfriend she probably has loads of stuff going on in her head right now.

You have to listen. If she knows she can talk to you, ask questions, express her feelings to you then that's a good thing.

I know at first it's not the most comfortable thing in the world, talking to your teenagers about having sex but you need her to be able to come to you if she has any issues.

Original poster
trace2274 · 13/05/2014 09:46

The problem with her attendance has been approached and talked about. I only found out about these internet searches this morning after my daughter left the house, so havnt had a chance to talk to her about this yet, but I most certainly will try when she arrives home this afternoon. I just dont understand how any parent of a teenage daughter wouldnt be concerned if they found out she was engaging in this type of sexual activity. I can also assure you it is a genuine concern. I contacted my GP because I needed advice on the health issues concerned. As I am aware GPs are also there to give advice and not just treatment.

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Original poster
trace2274 · 13/05/2014 09:50

Thankyou for your advice @ TantrumsAndBalloons

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TheTerribleBaroness · 13/05/2014 09:54

I have googled many sexual practices, mainly to confirm that I'd never be trying it. and mainly from links on here

A new boyfriend may have mentioned things (likely just showing off) and she's googled to find out what he was talking about. Have a chat with her, but don't panic just yet.

Atbeckandcall · 13/05/2014 09:56

You can't possibly know for sure she is definitely engaging in these sexual activities.

Just because she searched for them doesn't mean she is doing them. I've searched for all sorts of things on the internet but have never done them (not sexual btw, things like cutting my dd's hair!).

You need to calm down and stop blowing things out of proportion and jumping to conclusions. Your dd will end up not taking to you about anything.

It is difficult thinking that your baby is growing up and being intimate with someone. You need to try and think about how you would like to be spoken to about of this by your parents at her age.

Original poster
trace2274 · 13/05/2014 09:59

Thankyou! TheTerribleBaroness, I feel a bit more reassured after your post, I probably am panicking prematurely. I will have a calm chat with my daughter :-)

OP posts:
SoonToBeSix · 13/05/2014 10:01

Just because 16 is the legal age to have sex doesn't mean you are allowed to have sex that is ridiculous. At 16 and still at school you still need to obey your parents house rules.
Op I think part of the problem is you being " friends" with your daughter you are her mother she will have enough friends.

Original poster
trace2274 · 13/05/2014 10:09

SoontToBeSix, Thankyou! It seemed that no-one else on here could see my point of view, until recently. I have been a parent as well as a friend. Believe me, it isnt easy, trying to juggle the two. As a widow I have had to deal with parental problems on my own. I have always welcomed any extra advice that I could get. :-)

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TantrumsAndBalloons · 13/05/2014 10:09

My experience is that you have to be non judgemental and let them speak.

My ds1 friend contracted an STI recently. DS1 bought him to me because he was too scared to talk to his own parents.

I have always told my dcs that they can talk to me about anything and I will listen and help.
They know that I will also quite likely turn it into a lecture Grin DS1 and his friend left with the times of the drop in clinic, a lecture about being responsible for their own sexual health and the words "always use a condom" ringing in their ears.

But as uncomfortable as it is, thinking of my dcs having sex, i would rather they talked to me.

differentnameforthis · 13/05/2014 10:12

To be fair, I would expect her to know how to keep herself safe from STDs & pregnancy by now. The time for the sex talk was long before 16.

But if you feel the need, just mention it to her one day. You don't have t tell her what you found, just make it general conversation.

TequilaMockingbirdy · 13/05/2014 10:15

If my mum had checked my internet history at that age, she'd have thought I were some weird sexual deviant.

Although I'm not sure the internet is the best source, I think it's good she's researching what she's doing!

Original poster
trace2274 · 13/05/2014 10:59

I have had countless talks with her about safe sex and stds/ prevention. She seemed to take it well at those times, that was why I was so shocked to discover this search history.Also the fact that she never seemed the 'type'. She is a very intelligent girl and I have always been very proud to have a daughter like her,I have been sure to praise her, tell her how much I love her, and made aware to her that she could talk to me about anything. I know she is 16 (Barely), and it isnt illegal, but surely it is wrong for a girl her age to even consider that type of sexual act?

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Original poster
trace2274 · 13/05/2014 11:00

Thankyou all for your replys :-) alot of you have been very helpful :-)

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Original poster
trace2274 · 13/05/2014 11:13

@ unexpected, please dont presume to judge wether or not I am a good parent or wether or not I speak to my dd. You have no right to judge me or make presumptions

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redandchecker · 13/05/2014 11:13

OP, your daughter isn't doing anything wrong. She is 16, I was having sex before I was 16 Blush I always used protection. Just because this is her first boyfriend does 1)not mean it's her first time and 2) doesn't mean she's definitely doing anything.

The skipping school issue can of course be addressed and she can have sanctions or grounding/what not for skipping school.

I'm unsure though how you will address the sex. 'Hi daughter, I've been looking at your internet history...' If you're already concerned about trust, this won't help. She will not trust you, confide in you and in future will delete her history.

The best thing to do is just to sit down with a cuppa and say I know you've got a boyfriend now so although embarrassing thought we better have a chat! Explain you want her to be able to talk to you, talk to her about protection, birth control and if she wants you to attend any appointments or has any questions you are happy to help.

She's not doing anything morally wrong here, you need to support her so she can trust you, not judge her and spy on her or it will do the opposite

Original poster
trace2274 · 13/05/2014 11:16

I wasnt spying on her, we have a shared computer and she obviously forgot to delete the search history.

OP posts:
SoonToBeSix · 13/05/2014 11:31

Op please don't think I was criticising I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be raising a teenager on your own it's hard with a partner. I just meant if we try and only be a friend to our teens it can cause problems but that's obviously not what you have been doing. You sound like you are doing a fantastic job.

BarefootShirl · 13/05/2014 11:33

I'm with a number of other posters - the most important thing is to be there for her and not to make her feel she can't talk to you about things. When I was 16 we didn't have the option to google everything but I'm sure I would have done if I could - not because I intended to try everything, just out of curiosity. FWIW, I was having sex before I was 16 and almost always took precautions but was fortunate that I had an understanding DM who I could always confide in and who would offer loving advice and not be judgmental.

titchy · 13/05/2014 11:41

What's her intelligence got to do with it? Are clever girls only supposed to be curious about vanilla-sex?

She's 16, curious about different types of sex, and probably thinking about a sexual relationship with her boyfriend. That doesn't mean she's doing anal with all of Upper Sixth....

It's not wrong for a girl over the age of consent to think about or want to try ANY sort of sex, as long as she practices safe sex and is in a fully consensual relationship.

Selks · 13/05/2014 11:45

OP you have some strange ideas in your head.....your daughter isn't the "type"?....what type do you have to be to have a natural curiosity about sex and sexual acts? And I say again, just because she has googled anal sex doesn't mean she is considering doing it.

You really are making too many assumptions and judgements here. If you want her to be open with you you're really going to have to be a bit less rigid in how you think about things.

ShatnersBassoon · 13/05/2014 11:49

What did the GP have to say about it? I'm intrigued.

Original poster
trace2274 · 13/05/2014 11:51

Hi SoonToBeSix, I honestly didnt think you were criticising at all. you were one of the few replies that I have recieved in this thread that was helpful and understanding, so thankyou! From the bottom of my heart. I have recieved some nasty and accusing comments on this thread, which were unwarranted as I was genuinely looking for advice, and I very rarely have anywhere to turn to for help. Again, thankyou for your kindness :-D

OP posts:
Unexpected · 13/05/2014 11:53

Where exactly did I judge your parenting or make presumptions about not speaking to your daughter? You yourself said you had "lost faith" in her and couldn't speak to her about this. I suggested that it would be better to bring the subject up with her before contacting your GP, when you have no idea if she is just curious about sex or is actually sexually active. If anyone is making assumptions here, it is you, thinking that because she is intelligent and not the "type" that she couldn't be acting in this way. There is no "type"!

Original poster
trace2274 · 13/05/2014 12:12

Ok, I have seriously had enough of this site. It is supposed to be By parents, for Parents. But most of you seem to think there is nothing wrong with an inexperienced ( yes, I do know for sure) teenage girl thinking about experimenting with anal sex? I think it is morally and unnaturally wrong at any age. If you seriously dont mind your teenage daughters getting involved in that type of sexual act. I would suggest that you yourself look at what morals you have taught your children. Also for those of you that think I dont 'talk to' or am 'judgemental' of my daughter, I do nothing but 'talk to her'. I have raised her by myself since she was 6 months old. I think I have done well so far. Yes, I was shocked and I must confess a little hurt this morning, when I inadvertently discovered what was on the search history on our shared computer, and thought I would ask for a little outside help. So please if you arent willing to offer any practical advice, please, BUTT OUT. I would also stress that her intelligence has alot to do with this, as she goes to a grammer school, was always planning to stay on for lower and upper sixth, since she met this guy, her attendance and attitude to her education has slipped so much that she now isnt able to stay on and do her A'levels and has to attend college to do them.

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