prepare to be shocked;but at this moment in time, i wish i could throw my teenage dd out , ive reached breaking point.:-(

[canttakeanymore]

this is long, im afraid.
im a regular with a namechange.
my eldest daughter has been a handful since she was 18 months old, she started having violent rages which have just got worse and worse.
when her brother was born, she took her rages out on him and i never dared leave her alone with him.
by the time she was 9, her behaviour was so bad that she punched me in the tummy when i was 9 months preg with ds2, just because i told her off for hitting her brother.
her father and i seperated when she was a baby and he has been no help, he always made it clear that he couldnt care less how she behaved in my house.
the last couple of years have been really bad, the trouble is, when shes calm, she can be lovely, and also puts forward a very convincing act of being a little angel, so previous attempts to seek help have fallen flat on the ground as no one beleives that anything is wrong.
she will usually errupt into a rage because shes told she cant have/do something, she will attack my other children, throwing things at them, shes smashed her bedroom door on the inside and chunks are missing from the walls.
the last time she went beserk, she went to a friends and told them i hit her!!!! the mother threatened to phone social services, it took a while for me to convince her otherwidse and im sure she thinks im cruel to dd.
i cant touch dd otherwise she screams child abuse.
this week shes grounded as she had an explosion a few days ago, i also took her phone away from her.
today she started kicking off demanding her phone back, i ignored her and she went beserk, she terrified 2 year old dd, and i dread to think what my neighbours must think.
she smashed her room up, then stormed off to her friends, i was powerless to stop her, shes probally down there now telling lies that i abuse her....i cant stop crying..where did i go wrong...ive even considered suicide because i seem to be in a no win situation..today is the final straw, i just want her out of my house, i refuse to let her terrorise my other children, but shes ponly 15, so i cant make her leave, but if i could i would....

[Molesworth]

I don't know what to suggest either CTAM I'm afraid - I feel similar to you (at end of tether, don't know what else I can do etc). If talking with a fellow mum of a nightmare 15 year old would help at all please feel free to CAT me!

[canttakeanymore]

have done already-she said she didnt lie, then she accuses me of twisting everything, she actually says to me.."you are such a little twister mum"

[Molesworth]

Classic case of projection there I think CTAM!

[canttakeanymore]

molesworth-thanks, im not paid up for CATS at the moment though

[Molesworth]

me neither or I would've CATed you already - my email is spacemonkey 125 at hotmail dot com if you'd like to get in touch x

[canttakeanymore]

thanks

[canttakeanymore]

btw-reason ive namechanged is because dd namesearches me

[canttakeanymore]

just had my mother on the phone, she says i should pack her bad and drive her to her fathers..thats helpful

[MoreTeaAnyone]

No, not the best idea. And it wont make you feel any better either. You need to feel supported.

[Molesworth]

Agree that your mum's response is far from helpful. You do need support whether from family friends or the authorities (preferably all!).

[anorak]

CTAM I really do feel for you, I've had much the same with my eldest daughter, times when I just didn't know what to do, I felt so abused. She left home at 16 and found her arse of a father and following on from that my DD2 also started meeting him in secret (there was a court order for no contact). DD2 was virtually the perfect 14 year old before that. She ran away after a few weeks and has never been back, she just kept running away until she had moved herself into his house and no one could remove her because she was proming to continually run away if we did. We had to go to court this week and get the contact order discharged to make it legal for her to live there. I lost both my little girls within a few weeks

I had been struggling with the eldest one for three years, but DD2 going was such a shock, we are still reeling.

I think the problem is that parents nowadays have no practical means of disciplining children in any way without being accused of violence, kidnapping, child abuse, yet we carry all the responsibility for their behaviour and have no way of putting that responsibility down. Consequently any teenager who wants to hurt their parents finds it very very easy to do. I am beginning to think this is becoming a behavioural epidemic and we are raising selfish people who believe they can have anything they want without effort and it doesn't matter who they hurt or use. I think it won't be long before it's a big news story, meanwhile people like you and I just struggle on hoping that tomorrow our child will mature enough to realise how hurtful and unfair they are being sorry I can't say anything more helpful at least you know you are not alone. I believe ggglimpopo has had to endure similar, and I'm sure there must be lots of others.

[anorak]

sorry promising not proming

[Tortington]

since when were our children allowd to threaten us with social services?

i phoned social services after my son had a particularly bad 4 months. i begged them to interfere i begged for the cohesion of the rest of the family, i begged for the disruption and bad influence on my other children.

i got " mrs custardo your son is your responsability until he is 18 years old"

this then gave me a new will to live.

i turned to him andsiad " they said your mine til your 18. you do as i say and no one is going to give a shit unless we beat the shit out of yu. and if you dont like it - you can leave,.


really - i just wouldnt put up with it - seriously its my way of fuck off. so get social services involved - who will shit themselves more?

she need telling - you do as i say and i dont care how much you scream. you get notthing freom me - nothing until you treat me with respect. you can start with an apology.

i would take all games. tv phone, internet computer, and leave a bare room. she could earn things back with good behaviour.

f she doesn't like it

ermmmmmmmm tough .... seriously tough.

whats she going to do? phone social services??? as soon as you tell her you dont give a shit - they dont take you away - they take her away duhhhhhh. do you feel that grounding doesnt work - try this.

your grounded...... they go out anyway - you dont have to restrain them - you just lock the doors.

its easy to get out - i always say " its hard to get back in again"

leave sleeping b blanket in shed or back doortep.

you forget your power

you are mother
you are mother

we weild such power - they test us but i am ultimaltey and forever the greatest influence on their lives. phychologists have written libraries on it. as soon as you ignore them and their infantile behavious, as soon as you withdraw any weapons they have, as soon as you assert your rightful position as alpha female. they will come back in line. and if - if in a minority of times they dont you should have your self worth in tact.

so tellher nect time she threatens social services - tell her "the yelow pages is on the sidede - better yet try 118 118 its quicker. a'll get a case down for your leaving.

oh and by the way social serives are not going to remove a child becuasr you hit them.

its not illegal in enlgan to hit them.

[mrsserious]

Hi CTAM
My dd is 12 and I am going through this at mo.
She has been having temper rages for over a year, she has hit me, spat at me, punched the other kids, you name it, and damaged the house.
Dh took her phone off her and smacked her leg for having a tantrum, she went to school and told them and school informed social services.
We were absolutely devastated, I was interegated by social services for 4 long hours.
I explained to them of our current sitiation with her bad behaviour and they were sympathetic to a point.
I told them OK, if I cant have the authority with my children then you can, the social services shit themselves.
At present when she has a tantrum and threatens me with social services, I actually phone them and put them on the phone to her and then I give her a clout.
I have smacked my childen on the odd ocassions as I was brought up if I showed disrespect, I got a smack and thats the way it was.
Its not child abuse, its trying to raise your children, to teach them respect, I will probably get pounced on by other mnetters but I dont much care.
My question is who is in authority here, them or us?
No child of mine is going to run my household and dictate to me that they will contact social services, I will do it for them.
What I tend to do now is, tell her to calm down,go away and think of what she is doing before she acts.
I will watch this thread with interest and good luck!

[SherlockLGJ]

She needs a good smack.


When she is sweet, she is lovely,but Lord God she can be a cow bag am I right ??

Is she still all loved up ??

[SherlockLGJ]

OK obviously have shocked you into silence, am off to bed.


Apologies if I am wrong, but I am not sure I am.

[threebob]

She's 15 and has no job. Take every single thing off her that you paid for (it should be easy as she keeps going out) except a bed, sheets, somewhere to do homework and some clothes, and chuck in some tampons if you are feeling generous.

She is doing this because she knows which buttons she can press to get the best reaction out of you. Tell her tantrums are for toddlers, and that lots of bad things happen to people and they just get on with things.

If she tells anyone that you hit her - just look really bored and say "oh, I see she tried that one out on you too - how dull".

It will get worse before it gets better - once she realises that you are not rising to it she will probably get even worse, trying to find the point you snap. You have to see it through.

And I think it's gone way beyond big chats about it, it's another way for her to hone her manipulation talents. Just say "all I ask is that you are civil to me and your siblings and respect my rules." and then leave the room.

[Kathlean]

Wow not in this postion but she sound like she is having a tantrum.

Can you physically leave the house when she kicks off? Take the other kiddies to a park/cafe etc. If you leave she can't attack any of you.

Come back after 30 mins or an hour and totally ignore her don't talk or interact with her until she apologies and talks to you with respect. If she starts again go out again. Hard on you and the others I know but think of it as a reverse time out (-: Hopefully you and your other kiddies will have a nice time together.

If she wrecks the house sell her stuff to repair it. Not a punishment but a consequence for her actions.

She is big enough to do her own cooking/cleaning etc. If she wants you to do it make her treat you with respect.

I also agree with the others remove any 'perks' that she has and give them back as rewards and if she goes out leave her out it's not going to do her any harm.

Unfortunatly you need to be the TOUGH one because you are the one who loves her and cares about what happens to her.

[Judy1234]

Some of that behaviour is normal. It can feel awful to be 15. I remember it very well. She has problems controlling anger. If you can afford it and she will go pay for her to attend an anger management class. Get your GP to refer her to a clinical psychologist too.
Then try to get the younger children taken care of by their father and take her away for a big girls only weekend to have fun with you.
Put her on fish oil which helps behaviour in many children.
Try to remove sugar from her diet.
All you can do is love them at the end of the day however awful they are.
Good luck with it all.

[SpaceCadet]

ok ive posted under my real name, i dont care if dd sees this anyway sherlock knew who it was!!!!
actually the batteries ran out on my mouse so couldnt post any more!.
seriously though, yesterday i got so low i thought of taking the cowards way out.
custy what you said is bang on the money.
last night i went in her room and said, im not grounding you anymore, you can go out and do what you like, i dont give a damn what you do outside of this house, but if you are not back by x time, you are locked out, tough, she jusy smirked at me.
ive told her that shes being moved out of her nice big bedroom because she doesnt deserve it, and one day, when shes out i will swop her with ds1's tiny box room and everything ive ever bought her im taking back.
she said, ill phone social services, i said you do that love, the worst case scenario is they will take you away and put you in foster care or a childrens home, where you will find life tougher than you imagined, she doesnt beleive me on that score sadly, she still thinks it will be like tracy beaker.
LGJ-no, the biyfriend dumped her, that didnt help either as it was all my fault for moving her.

[Kathlean]

You sound so upset by all this.

You and your other kiddies deserve better and they would be devastated if you took the cowards way out. I'm sure your DD would be as well even if it's the last thing she would ever admit.

Come on here and do all your ranting and raving don't let her know she is getting to you. It is going to be really hard but it is best for everyone.

Good luck

[SpaceCadet]

anorak-i think you are right in that we have no powers of discipline over our children, i dont condone giving kids a damn good hiding, however, you cant even touch your kids these days without them threatening you with the ECOHR, its ridiculous.

[alexsmilitantmum]

sorry spacey, i have nothing helpful to add but just had to smile at your daughter saying she would phone social services because you took away her big room and her phone.

maybe worth telling her about/showing her a pic of, Victoria Climbier and pointing out the state that poor child was in, and how social services left her where she was.
I think teenagers have such a short sighted view of the world;" i'll phone social services and they'll make mum be nice to me". I don't think they ever think about the whole 'i'll get taken into care, mum will go in prison, the whole family will be split up and when i'm sixteen i'll be fending for myself completely"
you have my every sympathy spacey.i'm dreading the teenage years.

[mysonsmummy]

ds is only 4 so no advice really. only that what custyX says really makes sense - and sounds like a route that could work. good luck.

[anorak]

It isn't just the issue of the law regarding smacking a child, either. While I appreciate what Custy says about it not being illegal, my DD1 is the same size as me and I always felt she would hit me back, harder, and where do you go from there? You'd end up in a face-off where you'd be less likely to want to hurt her than she would you, or you'd be calling police out to a family brawl - no.

Plus the fact that I was battered as a child and verbally abused and I just couldn't resort to that myself. I'd feel like a reincarnation of my mother and I couldn't live with myself. I know my reaction to her has made me too soft, but if my children had any sense they'd see that as an advantage for them instead of poisoning it.