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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 34 35

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

prepare to be shocked;but at this moment in time, i wish i could throw my teenage dd out , ive reached breaking point.:-(

866 replies

canttakeanymore · 26/08/2006 19:23

this is long, im afraid.
im a regular with a namechange.
my eldest daughter has been a handful since she was 18 months old, she started having violent rages which have just got worse and worse.
when her brother was born, she took her rages out on him and i never dared leave her alone with him.
by the time she was 9, her behaviour was so bad that she punched me in the tummy when i was 9 months preg with ds2, just because i told her off for hitting her brother.
her father and i seperated when she was a baby and he has been no help, he always made it clear that he couldnt care less how she behaved in my house.
the last couple of years have been really bad, the trouble is, when shes calm, she can be lovely, and also puts forward a very convincing act of being a little angel, so previous attempts to seek help have fallen flat on the ground as no one beleives that anything is wrong.
she will usually errupt into a rage because shes told she cant have/do something, she will attack my other children, throwing things at them, shes smashed her bedroom door on the inside and chunks are missing from the walls.
the last time she went beserk, she went to a friends and told them i hit her!!!! the mother threatened to phone social services, it took a while for me to convince her otherwidse and im sure she thinks im cruel to dd.
i cant touch dd otherwise she screams child abuse.
this week shes grounded as she had an explosion a few days ago, i also took her phone away from her.
today she started kicking off demanding her phone back, i ignored her and she went beserk, she terrified 2 year old dd, and i dread to think what my neighbours must think.
she smashed her room up, then stormed off to her friends, i was powerless to stop her, shes probally down there now telling lies that i abuse her....i cant stop crying..where did i go wrong...ive even considered suicide because i seem to be in a no win situation..today is the final straw, i just want her out of my house, i refuse to let her terrorise my other children, but shes ponly 15, so i cant make her leave, but if i could i would....

OP posts:

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SherlockLGJ · 27/08/2006 13:18

Spacey show it to her if you wish.

SherlockLGJ · 27/08/2006 13:19

Right must go and do some supermarket shopping.

themoon66 · 27/08/2006 13:19

Oh spacecadet... poor you My DD was a strong willed, vicious bad tempered little madam from the age of about 2.

If its any comfort to you, she went through her worst period from 11 to 18 and now seems to be out the other side. She is now 20.

Is your DD very clever with words? Mine used to call me a 'twister' too... 'God mum, you are such a liar and a twister'. She always had an answer for everything and left me stumbling over my words and looking like a bumbling idiot who couldnt experess what the problem was.

I tried smacking her once when she was being a bitch and walking away when I tried to talk to her.... she hit my arm so hard I had a bruise for a fortnight.

Everything Custy says I wish I'd done when she was younger and we might have had better teenage years. In hindsight, I would have let her call childline or social services like she always threatened to. Called her bluff and see what happened. I wish I had.

Your DD is still on 15, so there's a chance for you to make her better still. I let mine drag on.. being nice, being there, letting her have a mobile phone and nice clothes. I got thanked by having it thrown back in my face while she went out and got off her face on drink with a 30 year old bloke she was shagging. In the end I told this bloke 'you want her, you can have her.. plus all her crap'. I took all her belongings and mess out of her room and took it round to his place and said 'there ya go'.

It took a year of him 'looking after' her. He was tight with money, he shouted at her if she didnt keep his flat clean. She had to wash clothes, cook food and be a housewife to him. He was a lazy arse too. After one year with him, she got herself a university place, two part time jobs and a lovely flat share with equally bad tempered girls who won't put up with her tantrums.

She is 20 and more or less self-sufficient andon the way to a degree. I'm starting to feel very proud of her now.

Sorry its a long post... just want you to see that it can get better... you just have to sit back and literally let them make their own mistakes and, more importantly, LIVE with their own mistakes.

fuzzywuzzy · 27/08/2006 13:20

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SpaceCadet · 27/08/2006 13:22

themoon-how awful for you, so glad she came out the other side.
LGJ-no i wont, shell only say, oh great now youve turned all your mumsnet friends against me!!!!

Molesworth · 27/08/2006 13:28

themoon - your dd's story gives me hope, thank you

Re: social services - the problem I have is that my dd knows that SS aren't interested in putting a 15 year old into care, so there's no leverage there. The police have even said that if she runs away with her 23 year old boyfriend (who is an absolute low life) there is nothing they can do if she has consented to it. I feel powerless.

Sorry, I don't mean to hijack here, just that I'm a bit further down the line re: SS, and that has been my experience

SpaceCadet · 27/08/2006 13:43

i have my reasons anyway for not having a lot of faith in the ss department, i stsarted out training as a social worker many years ago, had just been accepted onto the dipsw but changed my mind, i couldnt work for them decided against it.

themoon66 · 27/08/2006 13:46

Molesworth... The worthless boyfriend may yet be the one to turn things around for you. My DD's worthless bag'o'shite was 30 and had walked out on his DP and DS 3 years before meeting my DD. He hooked her in by pretending to be oh-so depressed coz he had no access to his son. She thought he was sensitive and caring and I didnt understand. Turned out he had no intention to see his son coz that would mean paying money to ex. The scales took a year to fall from her eyes. By that time, it was too late for her to move back in here, and I never even suggested it when she said she was leaving him. I said 'you'd better ask around your mates to see if any rooms are going spare'.

She can still be a nasty spiteful little bitch when she wants. When I'm with her i'm always treading on eggshells coz i know it won't take much for her to kick off at me. And she has no shame about screaming abuse at me in the street, in public.

themoon66 · 27/08/2006 13:48

My DS, on the other hand, is quiet, studious and very, very polite. I've handled them both the same, so it MUST be something in them they are born with.

SpaceCadet · 27/08/2006 13:53

the moon, my other 3 kids are lovely, so i know its nothing ive done wrong.they all have been treated the same.

Molesworth · 27/08/2006 13:54

Interesting point - my dd has always been extraordinarily stubborn and difficult too. It's definitely not all down to parenting style

themoon66 · 27/08/2006 13:59

On the positive side... that stubborn 'i want everything' attitude is coming in handy these days. She has switched it on to focusing on being determined to do well at university and being very outspoken and sticking up for herself if she gets bullied or picked on in her part time jobs. Someone attempted to mug her for her phone and she kicked seven bells out of the mugger.

Judy1234 · 27/08/2006 14:23

Teenagers need consistency whether of strictness or laxitude but never a mixture.
It is not that rare for teenager to swear and to develop particularly clever skills to annoy their parents.
There's a good book by Peter Gilchrist called Home made Kids about teenagers which I've sometimes found useful. I have never found punishment works with anyone, adult or children particularly well so I am probably at odds with most other people writing on this thread.
If mine swore at me I'd say I didn't think swearing was very nice and indicates a limited vocabulary and I found once they got from 15 to about 17 all their hormones smooth out and they're lovely again.
if she's reading this thread she could add to the thread.

anorak · 27/08/2006 14:24

themoon, your story has brought tears to my eyes. Why why why do they have to put themselves through all this strife when they have a loving home? I'll never understand.

I've still got a mark on my arm where DD1 bit me 2 years ago!! Even then I did not hit her but basically closed down her attack by holding her down. Now that she has gone she wants to meet up with me from time to time, but I don't know why she even wants me, she never seemed to like me when she lived here. I suppose she wants me to reassure her that I'm not going to hold all this against her - what's happened to DD2 principally as well as everything else.

I'm confused, upset, can't identify my role in their lives any more.

Increasingly I think this is a 21st century social horror - children bullying their parents. It simply shouldn't happen in the first place. We shouldn't have to be trying to work out how to deal with it.

Is there no way of giving parents more power without allowing bullying parents to abuse children? I love Custy and really admire the way she handles things - Custy I think you are inspirational but I couldn't do things the same way, after the childhood I had. And even for you it sounds like a tough struggle at times.

I just have so much difficulty understanding why our own children want to hurt us so much - my mother was a monster but I never wanted to hurt her and always tried not to. I just don't get it. Never will.

SpaceCadet · 27/08/2006 22:24

anorak-..it wouldnt have ever occurred to me to attack my father or speak to him the way ive been spoken too,(my parents were divorced and i lived with my father)even when he was hitting me repeatedly..even if id been as big as him, i was brought up to respect adults.
if only she knew how precious she was to me, she was born afdter id lost a son and i was so overjoyed, i never would have dreamt that things would turn out this way..i want my baby back

runkid · 27/08/2006 23:02

my daughter has been in all sorts of trouble she is fourteen and recently come out of a secure unit.social services seem powerless to help and the police never find her when she goes missing.i am a single parent and also have a two year old son and a job. her temper is awful swears all the time and is very abusive. i am so fed up i am setting up a support group website.it seems parents have no power and the kid have it all. i just cant see an end to it

orangegiraffe · 28/08/2006 08:07

Poor you spacecadet, hugs to you.x
My dd is going through the same and we as a family are at our wits end.

Runkid-let us know when you set up support group on web
[email protected]

runkid · 28/08/2006 08:45

xenia:I have tried many things with my daughter and tried everything i have been asked to do by social services. She just doesnt care she is totally out of my control and does what she wants when she wants.I agree that punishing her doesnt work only because she doesnt care.Any ideas

alibubbles · 28/08/2006 10:20

anorak, sorry to hear of your problems with DD2. I thought as I hadn't seen any posts for a while that things were okay.

Reading on here what some of you are going through that my problems with DS (19) are not so bad. In comparison he is an angel, but I can see that if things are allowed to slip what could happen.

I do have and have had a lot of confrontation with him as we are so alike, I respect that he is 19, and adult etc, but have told hime if he expects to treated as an adult he has to accept all the responsibilities that go with it. he has threatened to leave home, I said fine, leave your car keys and go in what you are standing up in, as that is all you own, everything else belongs to us.

He has to pay for his keep, change his own sheets, (which he does at least once a week) and let me know if he isn't going to be in for dinner by 6.00pm.

I have stopped asking him where he is going, who he is with and when he'll be home. He says not to worry about what time he is home as if something has happened to him, I'll find out sooner or later. And you know what, I accept that and I find it a lot easier to sleep at night now. he is the reason I have been taking prozac for years!

Take care all of you, a big hug as well.

anorak · 28/08/2006 10:37

Hi alibubbles!

ggglimpopo · 28/08/2006 10:45

Message withdrawn

runkid · 28/08/2006 11:55

My DD has just arrived home after being out all night very abusive throwing her weight around.She threw a fork across the room because i asked her to watch her swearing in front of DS then she smashed a glass on the floor what the hell am i supposed to do its crazy and uncalled for.As soon as my website is set up i am hoping that lots of families and parents will come together to support each other because it has been a very lonely four years for me.

cazzybabs · 28/08/2006 12:17

I am really worried about posting this because (a) I have no experinence and (b) i am praying I never experience what you are gong through]

while I agress with everything evyerone has said on here - you need to tell your daughter that you love her and that no matter what shit she does you will always love her but that you at the moment you don't like her because evyerhting she is doing is to get your attention and I think you need to keep telling her - I love you but...I am doing this because I love you etc.

losingdd · 28/08/2006 16:26

Message withdrawn

runkid · 28/08/2006 16:26

Thankyou cazzbabs ive told her all that she doesnt seem to listen and says that i should put her in care if i dont like but i know that wont do her any good and it isnt really the answer it would just be giving into her. At present i am trying tough love to see if she will come to her senses.Nothing else is working and ss and yos have no answers either.

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