prepare to be shocked;but at this moment in time, i wish i could throw my teenage dd out , ive reached breaking point.:-(

[canttakeanymore]

this is long, im afraid.
im a regular with a namechange.
my eldest daughter has been a handful since she was 18 months old, she started having violent rages which have just got worse and worse.
when her brother was born, she took her rages out on him and i never dared leave her alone with him.
by the time she was 9, her behaviour was so bad that she punched me in the tummy when i was 9 months preg with ds2, just because i told her off for hitting her brother.
her father and i seperated when she was a baby and he has been no help, he always made it clear that he couldnt care less how she behaved in my house.
the last couple of years have been really bad, the trouble is, when shes calm, she can be lovely, and also puts forward a very convincing act of being a little angel, so previous attempts to seek help have fallen flat on the ground as no one beleives that anything is wrong.
she will usually errupt into a rage because shes told she cant have/do something, she will attack my other children, throwing things at them, shes smashed her bedroom door on the inside and chunks are missing from the walls.
the last time she went beserk, she went to a friends and told them i hit her!!!! the mother threatened to phone social services, it took a while for me to convince her otherwidse and im sure she thinks im cruel to dd.
i cant touch dd otherwise she screams child abuse.
this week shes grounded as she had an explosion a few days ago, i also took her phone away from her.
today she started kicking off demanding her phone back, i ignored her and she went beserk, she terrified 2 year old dd, and i dread to think what my neighbours must think.
she smashed her room up, then stormed off to her friends, i was powerless to stop her, shes probally down there now telling lies that i abuse her....i cant stop crying..where did i go wrong...ive even considered suicide because i seem to be in a no win situation..today is the final straw, i just want her out of my house, i refuse to let her terrorise my other children, but shes ponly 15, so i cant make her leave, but if i could i would....

anorak-i was battered by my father as a child and promised myself i would never be the same as him.
dd has hot out at me too, she hit me in the stomach when i was 9 months preg with ds2.
shes the same height as me(we are both 5ft) and is perfectly capable of hitting back, we had a big explosion in my old house where i shoved dd out of the way(not hard) because she was in my face saying, "you're a crap mum, i bet you wish you had never had me, you are not fit to be a mum etc, etc, " when i pushed her, she screamed out of the window, hep, help, im being attacked!!

I have skimmed the first few threads only but just had to reply.

It is clear that your daughter has more going on than just a temper tantrum. this behaviour is unaceptable and is also extremly harmfull for your other children.

i would suggest contacting your local social services department and discussing your problems with them.
I wold also advise going back to CAMHS.

The easiest way to get help wul be for her to be honest about what is happeneing but that can be difficult with a young girl who is set against gettign help.
her self harming strikes me as someone who is angry and blames themselves, that may be why she is so reluctant toa dmit what is going on...becasue she thinks she will be to blame for it all.

call SS. you will get a duty officer who will (hopefully) talk to you about whats going on. be as honest as possible, tell them that you have gotten to the stage where you cannot take anymore and you are considering kicking her out. explain that you know this is not possible as clearly she is far too young but you need helop before it gets to that stage.

bascily the more you lay it on the line the more inclined they will be to help you.

Also another tip would be to hide a camcorder and record her in full scale tantrum. that way you can show that to the proffessionals so they get to see what she is really like.
if it helps maybe ask your mother to sit in whilst you speak to SS as she can also back up what you have said.

SS get a pretty poor rap and we are often branded baby snatchers, its unfair. it is always the primary concern to keep a child with its family so they will do all they can to help sort out hats going on.

good luck

Yes, we've experienced a similar scene. DD1 was in my DH's face screaming 'fuck off' and he pushed her out of the way.

Her biol father said in a court application that he wanted my other daughter because 'there are concerns about violence from the stepfather'. I've just lost the custody of my second daughter on the strength of this and other manipulative behaviour from their side.

sorry FM that post was in response to SC.

anorak, thats awful

Did I hear someone say "call the police out to a family brawl"?! Yes that was me a few months ago. Dd is much bigger and stronger than I am, and she had me by the hair and wouldn't let go. The time when a good smack would sort her out has long gone. I have a feeling that if I had taken a more custy approach to parenting a long time ago then we wouldn't be in this situation now!

SC it sounds like you're dealing with this in the best way you can. I know there'll be no magic solution, but you can count on support from us when things are bad X

FM-the thing that worries me is that i will just come across as someone who cant cope, dd will put on one of her award winning perfomances and the nest thing i know, my children will be on the at risk register.

molesworth, i emailed you did you get it?

I didn't get it space, but I think that's my fault ... the hotmail account had gone into hibernation, but it's working again now - can you re-send?

Totally identify with your fears re: SS, but I have to say that they've been kind and sympathetic every step of the way with me so far (although they haven't offered any practical help apart from a very belated referral to CAMHS, which came too late). Social workers do get a terrible press, but the ones I've dealt with have been genuine in their desire to help. I think if you approach them to ask for help they are very unlikely to have a heavy-handed attitude towards you. At the same time there seem to be huge regional variations in the services available. More than one social worker has said to me that a 15 year old just doesn't come very high in their priority list when they are understaffed/underfunded and therefore have to prioritise younger children at risk

molesworth will try and resend, hope i sent the first one to the right address!

sorry to be a pain - it's not my regular email address, but I don't want to put my regular one here because it has my full name in it! I'll keep checking the hotmail one and send you a reply from my proper one straight away. Sending you big hugs in the meantime.

Anorak, I'm so sorry to hear that the situation with dd2 is as it is - I was thinking of you and hoping that she had come to her senses

Molesworth, you in a really horrible situation. My aunt is a social worker that specialises with teenagers. She sees some very trouble individuals and often can't help much but she does try and support the family as much as possible. Always trying to keep them together if possible. I think in general social workers get really bad press but does a very good job in difficult circumstances. By going to them yourself they can support you for the period you need it.

Good luck

It sounds to me that she is pushing your buttons and you are rising to the bait every time.
When she is in a good mood, explain your plan of action to her her - so that she doesn't think you have abandond her. Then -
Ignore, Ignore, Ignore!
Walk away - leave the house - whatever - do not argue with her. Exactly the same as you would do with a tantrumming toddler.
Take her stuff off her - take it out of the house - to gp's wherever - then ignore the tantrum.
Secretly film her tantrums for proof.

have tried ignoring-she just follows me round.
however, am sorely tempted to film her little hissy fits.

I think the filming idea is brilliant, have you got a camcorder space?

PS I have just replied to your email

Well if she is snooping on your e-mail, I have just given her a gobful.

i dont think you should afford her much attention at all. i would ignore her if at all possible. be uninterested for the main part.

i would shop smart. see i have all hte money. i would buy boring old food. no treats just meals.

she would get absolutley no money from me. none at all.

i would give up the shouting.

make a list of family rules - family -so shes not being singled out.

dont threaten whayt your not going to carry through.

i am sure social services would be very interested in a girl who got the litle bedroom.....errrr....not.

i think you should seriously get theis social services threat out of the way. sit down with her and explain that if she wants to get put ina childrens home - thats ok, whatever makes her happy - but she is misunderstanding her threat.

her threat is that she will call social services. she thinks she is threatening you with some kind of authority - a bit like the police. it neds explaining that what will happen is that she will get taken away. and you and your son will get to carry on. only you wont have the expense of another daughter, the fighting with the daughter, the physical and mental abuse of the daughter

it needs explaining that the threat she is threatening you with is only frightening to you because * you& do not want your daughter to end up in a place like that. becuase its a frightening prospect for a mother to have tosee her daughter go through such hardship. its not becuase you are scared for you

but for her

becuase the chances of her leaving school with any qualifications will be low
pregnant ats a teenager - high
there is the prospect that other children will beat her up or force her to do things she doesnt want to do.
she will have most importantly
no love. becuase what she has forgotten is that as her mother you love her you look out for her best interests.

ina childrens home people are paid to keep them as safe as they can.

no one loves them. there are no parents to care for them. but but there will still be rules.

dya think she could just ask for a tenner here and there? nah it oesnt work like that. holidays? well she will miss out on the family ones.

see. i think you are both misunderstanding the threat.

in many ways f social services did take her away you have been taken out of your parenting role, the resonsability now becomes that of the state.

you will have no screaming at home
probably save money
no horrible dsrespectful behaviour
no horrible behaviour infront of your son.

sounds good eh?

so why not do it?

i think you shoudl ask her that. why dont you want to get rid of her? ask her.

the only conclusion she can possily come up with is that you love her.

i think you have both forgotten that you love each other. its become a fight for superiority.

remember spacey - teenagers want money. you have it. ergo control. carry out your threats.

you must now remove her things like you sai you would and cange the rooms around.

you must - yousaid you would

molesworth, yes i do.
LGJ-lol, actually my yahoo mail is password protected, but its a pity you cant come and give her an earbashing!!!

Have you read it ??

I particularly liked the line about get yourself some dignity.

remember you can always put a password ont he computer.

she has access toa computer
??????

i think not!!!

i dont know how you do it. but you could, a mnetter could tell you.

why does she have inernet access? shes bein a shit?

access to house phone? well we have NTL and have just bnanned outgoing called becuase my teenage dd is costing me a foturne. so do that. ban outgoing calls - get yourself a mobile.

really these comforts are something she is much taking for granted. how dare she look at your e-mails or mumsnet.

change yur e-maila ccount and password.

custy-you made exactly the point ive tried to get across to dd, that i love her, if i didnt, i wouldnt give a damn what she did.
she is swapping rooms, shes lost her phone, ive stopped her allowance, i do intend to stand by it all and i intend to have the ss threat chat with her, as you say, its no skin off my nose if she contacts them, the only person who will get hurt is her.

welld one spacey xxxx

custy-ive stopped her internet access at home, but trouble is, she checked mn when she went to her dads, but everything is password protected here.
lgj, will just read your email now.

he he, like it LGJ!

molesworth, did you get my email?