I'm done

[CouthyMow]

DD school refused this morning. First she refused to give DS1 back his iPod that he had kindly lent to her yesterday because hers is broken.

I insisted she give it back. She then decided

I know, Math, the thought has gone through my head.

But still, it doesn't mean that I can stop myself worrying about her, does it?!

Couthy my advice to you is to go to bed as soon as they have been and gone.

I'm not her, so I can't just have no feelings or emotions about her being missing.

There is nothing that you can do and staying up is not going to do you any good at all. Or her.

Police still haven't contacted me about the premises search. No news on where DD is. Trying to take my mind off it with silly threads but it's not helping. Hoping I drop off soon, but want to know she's safe too.

I'm angry and worried in equal parts...

couthy try and sleep - there is an issue with absconders for police - and that issue is that on some occasions when there have been only 3 people on a shift where i work (and i know this is common now in the thick of the cuts) it takes one resource up for what can be an entire shift - in our force area they are classed as missing persons - and yet we know very often they are not missing per se - just didnt want to go to FC or childrens home, and the staff and FC have less power than the parent in terms of stopping them just walking out. FC cant touch their charges - so when they want to go there is sod all to do about it but let them.

its a huge strain on resources - at night officers are meant to work in pairs - so if there is only one car on then it leaves no one free to respond to 999 calls - it ties an officer (or 2) up for the duration of the time they are "missing" -
and often its like searching for a needle in a haystack. they always wander back when they have had enough of where ever they are.

its also a huge battle of wills between police and SW....once the child is located safe and well then it is no longer the remit of police to transport - now 9 times out of 10 they end up doing it anyway but sometimes on a busy night with limited resources inspectors have to put their foot down and tell SW to collect the child because SS do tend to think the police are a taxi service for them.

none of its ideal. Most cases like this are not classed as immediates and so dont get an emergency response. If 999 calls come in and do warrant an emercency response them she will keep getting bumped until a resource is free to deal.

you can bet she is safe and well and will be with the bf or friends and just doesnt want to go home.

try not to worry because im sure she will be fine.

Sound very much like me when I was 14. She's probably at some girls house getting drunk and just being a teenage. The best thing you can do right now is go to sleep. He behaviour does sound like mine when I was using drugs so I would watch out. I sore in one of you post you used weed and you would know if she was smoking it but have you thought she's smoking thought out the day at school and when she comes home she's on a come down sort of thing. I wouldn't put anything past teenage behaviour. If your mention to the people that she use to self harm and could be suicidal they will step up the search and get camhs involved not matter what! She also maybe be using legal highs so I would monitor her behaviour. See if there are any times when she's not the way she is. You said she's pasting her self around a group of boys? It sounds like she's hit the self destruct button. Have you had the thought she might have been abuses? Or have more mental illnesses than you realise. I know this all sounds extreme and probably upsetting to hear right now but I had to comment specially now she's a missing person. My nieces friends sister use to walk around town all night by her self when she needed space even in the rain! The police would pick her up in the end. If you don't want dd home then tell the police not to bring her home and they can't bring her back if you refuse to have her back. You no she's got alternative place to stay therefore you aren't neglecting her. She need a lesson and tbh putting your foot down and saying your not having her back will do it hopefully. If she does have odd then she will realise what she is doing wrong but she will enjoy it. I hope you the best and I hope your daughter will sort he self out!

She turned up here at 2.30am. Contacted police, who came out and corroborated her story that she was walking around the town centre on her own (the bouncers in town had seen her, and the had told the police - it was a bit obvious as DD was still in her school uniform!).

WHY would she rather walk around a freezing cold town on her own until 2.30am than go to the FC?! Or even knock here? She ONLY knocked here when she was desperate for the loo as she won't piss outside, she's funny about that.

Police were here within 5 minutes of me calling them, and they are taking her back to the FC's. If DD refuses to get out, she will spend the night in cells.

Now I know she's not in danger, I'm going to fucking sleep. I'm not wasting one more minute on her tonight!

She has HONESTLY been wandering the town centre alone all night. Around 10 different bouncers have noticed her. The car that came to me was going round town talking to the bouncers as I rang them. So yes, it did take a long time to actually send someone out to physically look for her, but after Vicar's explanation, I can understand it.

How can CAHMS say she has no MH issues when she would willingly put herself in danger (there was a teenage girl raped in our town only Wednesday, and the suspect had been bailed before DD went missing, and our town is NOT a nice place for grown women at night, much less a vulnerable 15yo...) by walking around the town centre till 2.30am for no real reason.

I would understand it FAR more if she HAD been drinking somewhere, but not many places are daft enough to serve a child still in school uniform, are they? (Obvious school uniform too, not a short skirt or anything). And she was seen, alone, by multiple bouncers.

I think she needs more help tbh. This ISN'T normal. It's not meeting your bf, it's not going round a mates house to get drunk, it's not even meeting up with an older man you know will get you told off about.

This is wandering around a town centre on your own with no phone and no money from 3.15pm to 2.30am, so over ELEVEN hours, not even thinking about how other people might be feeling.

I've run away before, at just a year younger than DD is now, and I can tell you that you DO think about what is going on, you DO worry about whether people are looking for you, oh god I spent the night in a cold field so not that dissimilar but I was severely depressed and I tried to commit suicide just a week later. Fuck.

And outwardly there weren't any signs that I was that depressed until I ran away...

Shit. I mean, I was depressed because I was getting beaten the shit out of every night, which isn't the case for DD, but still, what if she IS that depressed.

I DID tell them about the self harm when I first reported it. But tbh, they said that they would be short staffed if they had 100% MORE staff, so extremely short staffed doesn't even begin to cover it. That's why what Vicar said makes so much sense.

I can't see who there would have been TO abuse her IYSWIM. Not that I discount anything with her current behaviour.

I am leaning more towards the drugs and / or MH issues. Probably both. But try getting CAHMS to see that she has MH issues severe enough for their help... They've done a full assessment and have decided that she isn't suffering from any significant MH issues. And while I know she IS smoking weed, it's NOT heavy use - though I'm frightened to think that it might be other drugs.

I doubt it would be anything using a needle given how phobic she is. She's too 'healthy' a weight for it to be speed unfortunate habit I kicked years and years and years ago so would recognise the hyper/comedown/lose weight cycle could be smoking brown I guess, but that's not that prevalent in this town.

The big worry is crack here. How would I know - that's arrived on the drug scene in this town AFTER I left the drug scene IYSWIM. What signs would I see? The aggression is one that I DO know - and she ticks that box...

Shitshitshitshitshitshitshit.

Weed would seem like a walk in the park...

Signs of drug usage is normally extreme mood swings. Violent behaviour. Stealing.. Old things going missing ie clothes, shoes, anything really. Things like tops go for £2/3 so it's easy to get £10 for a gram and normally groups share and go halfs or what ever... Maybe you should ring frank? Or speak to social worker? They normally have drug workers not joined on to yot or camhs. Maybe you could buy drug tests of amazon? They are about £4.50 for 5 tests and do random drug tests on her? My fc use to on me. Most often I would kick off if I knew I had been doing them. Now about the self harm... Is she still self harming? Maybe you could do her a little first aid kit? Just a couple of things to keep it clean? I know it's not stopping her but if she's gonna self harm she will and she will find a way. So glad she has turned up safe. Good luck!

Oh also a drugs that's around the teenages at the moment are mkat/bubble/drone/mewomewo. It use to be a legal high but it's become a class c I believe... The main sign I would look out for is things going missing and nose bleeds and rough lips. Yes I know rough lips sounds daft but when your on mewomewo you tend to chew you mouth/lips a lot so that's the main sign I would look out for. Also ketamine it's also popular with teens. Drone has a odd smell. It's a smell easily hidden by spray. Hope this helps. feel free to pm me for any questions :)

I don't think it's crack. Doesnt seem to fit tbh.

Doesn't help that it's all weed at the moment , in the olden days (lol!) when I smoked, it was all block, which just doesn't seem to have the same bad effects as weed. This stuff is just sooooo much stronger than what I used to smoke.

Maybe it's a lot of weed. Maybe it's one of those 'new' drugs. Maybe it's just depression / MH issues.

Who knows!!

Ketamine was the 'odd' drug of choice when I was 15. Wasn't my cup of tea though...

My IBS is bad again, with the stress. Means I'm not absorbing my meds properly.

I'm going to do a hunt for drugs paraphernalia later, I haven't sorted her room yet, or really ventured in there, so I'm going to brave that and see what I find.

Couthy - I have been lurking but have nothing to say - only that if I win the lottery tonight, I will be sending you some money. You are so intelligent - so switched on - and one hell of a mother. And I really hope, one day, your DD wakes up and realises what a gem of a person she has as a mother.

She went back to the FC last night, didn't kick up a fuss when the police took her back.

FC insisted she get up for school, and school are keeping her under lock and key under constant supervision. Whether DD gets in the transport back to the FC tonight remains to be seen.

And she is STILL adamant that she is going out on Sunday, and probably tonight too.

DD told the police that the reason she didn't want to stay with the FC is because the FC has taken her phone away and she wants it back because it's hers and it's theft...

She also told them that she didn't want to come back to me for the same reason. I'm going to get the phone back off the FC, because as DD seems so fixated on the phone, I'm concerned that there might be something on there that she doesn't want the FC or me to see. In which case, I kind of HAVE to look on the phone to see what it is, as it might give us all some clues as to WTF is going on with DD right now.

So we are just waiting to see if DD is going to get in the taxi at the end of school.

Hopefully it will be harder for her to abscond over the weekend as she will be in a rural location and has no money for bus fares.

I NEED to find out what is driving these behaviours, nobody can help her otherwise.

I spoke to the school as she has swapped her tie with the friend who WAS on a managed move to another school, which failed, so she's back at DD's school (this is the friend that is two years younger and indulging in the same behaviours as DD.) but it's for the other school, and I was worried about the strict uniform rules at the school, but they have given her a tie.

The HLTA chatted to me, and said that they were surprised at DD's recent behaviour in school, and I explained (patiently and calmly despite me having been saying the same thing for TWELVE FUCKING YEARS) that this is the same behaviour she has been displaying at home since she was 15 fucking MONTHS old, and they were shocked that it has taken this long to spill over into school.

Maybe if the HLTA had actually LISTENED TO ME SAYING THIS at the CIN meetings last year, they could have done something to bloody help!!

Or at any number of school meetings I have had since DD started preschool!!

I have an EP report from when DD was FIVE YEARS OLD in Y1, stating exactly the issues I was having at home, with her being unable to process the fact that her actions have consequences.

That was TEN BASTARDING YEARS AGO.

They sent me on yet another parenting course, despite the fact that I'd already BEEN on three since she was born. The techniques from those parenting courses have helped me massively with the DS's, but have never had any bloody effect on DD's behaviour.

It's SO frustrating.

Social Services today have admitted that even THEY can't keep her safe.

Financially, I have until Tuesday to inform Tax Credits and Child. Benefit that DD is no longer resident with me, as it will have been three weeks at that point, and I have to do it within 28 days.

I will also have to inform Housing Benefit. So I will become subject to 'Bedroom Tax' too, as I will be in a house larger than my needs. The fact that it is an adapted property, and there are NO suitable, EMPTY correctly adapted THREE bedroom properties will not matter a jot.

So my DS's ARE going to lose out through this, as I will have less money to pay for things for them once I am subject to Bedroom Tax AND have a reduced income.

She won't be able to come back.

Even SS have admitted that it looks likely that DD may remain in FC long term. At least when she bothers to go there. And they admit that nobody can actually keep my DD safe from herself and her self-destructive behaviours.

Thanks for the update Cowthy. I was just wondering what was going on at your house on another crappy, wet cold miserable morning !

If she is out of the house now and back to Foster care, she is in a safe place. I would just let some things go. Don't get stressed searching for evidence of drugs. Forget about the phone ( when is the contract due for renewal ? Don't bother ).

Focus on yourself and your other children and make the most of her not being around this weekend.

It's not a contract - I would never be able to trust DD not to go over a contract, it's PAYG. I just need to see if there's any evidence on the phone of anything that may have contributed to the way DD is behaving right now.

I had a seizure, tbh I was electing one in the next few days.

Stress sets off my IBS, which means I don't absorb all my epilepsy meds. Combine that with the lack of sleep last night, and I had a seizure.

Thing is, I slept through my back-up really LOUD alarm, and was late picking up DS3 from preschool. I didn't wake up until they rang me, at which point I was already 15 minutes late. By the time I had walked there, with my bad joints, it was 1.25 before I got there - a full 40 minutes late!

I then had the SenCo there rip me a new one for something unavoidable, and not totally predictable, that is the fault of my disability.

I can understand, a) it puts them over numbers, and b) they have to cover his 1-2-1 for longer, which costs them money, but just fucking charge me then instead of having a massive go at me when I can't help it and I'm already at the top of what my stress levels can cope with FFS!!

They told me I MUST have a plan B - I pointed out that the only emergency contact I have got available to me is my Ex-MIL, who doesn't drive and lives on the other side of town, 2 buses away, and I will get there before she does.

They then told me that his Dad would have to get him then - so I pointed out that he is AT WORK, WITHOUT A PHONE, and even if they could get hold of him, HIS work is on the other side of town, two buses away, and he doesn't drive, so I would still get there quicker.

They then told me I MUST come up with a new plan B. What am I meant to do? Magic up some mythical person who can pick up my DS3 in an event that maybe happens twice in a school year, and is unpredictable due to the nature of my disability??!!

There IS NOBODY ELSE!

So then they said that if I was late again, they WILL be charging me the staff costs AND the costs of DS3's 1-2-1. AND they will be phoning SS.

Fucking go for it. I can't shit miracles FFS.

Who says being disabled doesn't cost you more...

Is there a local support group for parents with children of disabilities ?
You need to meet parents with similar problems and find out how they tackle child care/ respite care/emergencies.

Super. DD has absconded again. And the FC are refusing to have her back, so the placement has broken down. I am refusing to have DD back as she is not engaging with the support and I have to protect the DS's.

Have just phoned SS, but they're on the phone right now, my SW has Fridays off, and they are covered by some bloke who seems totally useless, just flipping it all back to me, unlike the usual SW who understands how impossible DD is being right now.

So I've got to wait for a call back. Been told it will be I'm the next few minutes, but if it's not, then as they close at 4.30pm (WTF?!) I will call THEM again at 4.20pm.

FUCK SAKE WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO DO THIS ON A FRIDAY AFTERNOON??!!

There's no support groups for those with older DC's with disabilities, they are all only covered for primary age DC's in their remit. The only one that DID cover older DC's folded when it became too much for the lady that was running it due to her OWN DC with disabilities, and none of us had the energy to take over. I thought about it, but then realised it would be monumentally overstretching myself given my current situation.

Did annoy me that those who were 'only' dealing with one DC with disabilities and were fit and healthy themselves didn't do it - but then I gave myself a huge kick up the arse and realised that just because I might be struggling MORE, it doesn't mean that they aren't struggling too, so I gave myself a good talking to and put myself on the naughty step!