I'm done

[CouthyMow]

DD school refused this morning. First she refused to give DS1 back his iPod that he had kindly lent to her yesterday because hers is broken.

I insisted she give it back. She then decided

DD behaving at the FC. No apology for yesterday, that'd be a step too far, but at least I've had a more peaceful evening knowing where she is.

Shame my Maths lesson was on the one bit of maths I can't do! Bloody graphs of quadratic equations. Now normally the tutor doesn't ask anyone for the answer until I've put my pencil down. She looked quite concerned when I was still constructing the table when everyone else had finished the graph, found the line of symmetry, found the solution (s), and found the maximum point...

My problem is that I do even simultaneous equations in my head, but when it comes to quadratics, it's like I look at the WORD quadratic, and my brain just says "the answer is PURPLE" and switches off!! I need to write things down with this, and my brain goes faster than my hand, and then I try to backtrack in my head, and get lost.

I've got to try to practice that over half term, as well as do a past paper.

Mary. You are so right about not wanting to spend money. The trouble is that when many of these children enter the criminal justice and prison system it costs over £1000 P WEEK to Jail people.It surely would be far better to spend this kind of money at 14-18 YR Olds who with the right intervention could become constructive and responsible members of society.

Even if the costs were £2K P WEEK per child it would still be far more worthwhile than Jailing them from 20 or so and seeing these kids being dependent on Benefits, Drugs and Mental Health though out Adult Hood
in that order....

DD is playing up again today.

At the FC this morning, DD was told she can't go out this evening as FC's are busy, at their FDS's school play, so she can't be picked up as they need the car there. One of the FC's would be waiting at home for DD, but without the car and they are quite rural.

DD tried to take outside clothes with her to school this morning. She won't need outside clothes if she's going in the taxi straight back to FC...So FC made her leave them behind.

It's quite clear that DD is unlikely to get in the taxi back to the FC, as SHE wants to do what SHE wants to do, and screw the fact that she might disrupt the FC's other FDC's school play by absconding.

DD is being a selfish arse because all that ever matters to her is HER.

It's embarrassing. I haven't brought up my DC's to behave so thoughtlessly, it's worked with the other DC's, but it's never sunk in with DD, despite not having been treated and taught any differently.

When is she going to get with the program? When is she going yo get RL.

In July, if she isn't in education or training, nobody will have ANY MONEY TO FEED HER ON. And she won't be able to get a job unless there is training offered as part of it. Which will severely limit employment opportunities.

FFS, I was running my own fucking home, paying all the bills, doing all the housework, doing the shopping, working, at College two nights a week (typing quals) at the exact age DD is at now.

What the fuck is going on with her that she thinks the world owes her...something? Everything?

I just don't get it.

I now have a duty SW, the allocated SW AND Dbit ALL saying that DD is totally irrational and totally impossible to reason with. All I could say in answer each time us "Yes, well, I've been trying to get that message across to everybody for 15 fucking years."

What else can I say?!

She is a different person altogether, Couthy, and she has underlying problems that make your parenting efforts irrelevant. She is not you.

From your description of her behaviour and attitude, and her inability to do anything other than please herself and to apply reason to any situation, I think you should reassess your hope that she will be a suitable candidate for training or holding down a job.

It is surely a good thing that the duty SW, and Dbit are all saying the same thing you have been saying for years? Plus there is now an experienced FC witnessing it all too. Vindication of everything you have always known and said is a hollow victory for you, but when people who are qualified to assess her can see what you are seeing perhaps (slim chance I know) something can change?

I know, I know, my ex has been trying to gently tell me for years that she will never hold down a job, but I saw it as my responsibility as a parent to try to do everything possible (and more, in DD's case, I've often performed fucking miracles to get her help that the LA doesn't want to give, I've even got her Secondary offering TWENTY bloody hours a week now in learning support, on school action plus where you are only meant to get a maximum of 15...) to get her to the point where she might be able to gain employment.

My efforts were bloody pointless.

Couthy. Your efforts are not pointless, in two or three years time, your DD will realise that she needs employment.

When your DD sees her friends earning money and buying things, the penny will drop . Your DD can become employable it could just take a few years though and that is well the country and education services should allow for this.

The education authorities should allow children like DD to stay in full time education (PAYING THE RIGHT BENEFITS) up to the age of 21 to give them at least half a chance.

Couthy what I did was lower my expectations to zero. Now I'm ecstatic if dd manages a whole day in school! In the unit she is in, she's the only one who chooses to ever go.

She HAS absconded again. But the FC can't pick her up. Spoke to Duty SW, who has said that they WON'T pick her up for refusing to go back to the FC, and the police won't come unless there is an immediate risk of PHYSICAL violence.

I said so basically, as I still have PR for her, I have no choice but to let her in or be in trouble for neglect, all weekend, regardless of any emotional effects it has on my other DC's.

He said yes.

The only time the police will pick her up is if she is ACTUALLY violent towards one of my other DC's or me, or is smashing up my house again.

And SS can do NOTHING if DD refuses to go back to the FC, and I have been assured that despite repeatedly absconding, DD does not meet the criteria for a secure placement.

I pointed out that if a partner of mine was emotionally abiding the DC's, there would be all the help in the world for me to get that person removed from the home to protect my younger DC's, but when it is one of their siblings, frankly nobody gives a crap.

I have the option of getting into trouble for neglect (was the implied threat during the phone call - I wouldn't want to do anything that might jeopardise my younger DC's being resident with me over this weekend were the words used... - if I leave her outside in February, or of putting my other DC's at risk of emotional and physical harm if I DO allow her in.

WHAT A FUCKING CHOICE. I basically have to choose between my children. In order to protect my children.

The police won't even look on her as an abscond until 9.15pm, 6 hours after she should have got in the taxi at school. So she will probably be at my doorstep before she is even treated as an abscond...

There is no protection for me or my younger DC's...

Any way you could be 'out' all evening until 9.15?

I've been informed (after texting and calling round her friends) that Dd has said that she isn't going back to the placement tonight (in their defence, they DID try to persuade her to), and that DD has said that she is going to Big town 30-odd miles away. She isn't with any of her friends OR her boyfriend.

God knows who she's with...

She could be with some 40-year-old pervert.

Well then she will be in the hands of the police once 9.15 rolls around and you can be pretty certain that she won't come knocking on your door (always the possibility that she will change her mind of course).

You are not going to be able to save her from her own terrible judgement, Couthy.

Once she is out of the house, truth be told she can go off with a pervert any day she chooses if the thought pops into her head. If nothing else, her behaviour shows that nothing and nobody can control her or even mitigate the effects of her behaviour on others.

Fucking bloody useless police!!! (Sorry Vicar, not you!!)

I spoke to the FC at 10.30, to see if they had had an update. They hadn't, but suggested I rang 101 for an update. So I did. The police told me they had closed the case as the FC had 'given DD permission to go to the roller rink". I pointed out that I had just been on the phone with the FC, and I highly doubted that.

The police said they'd get someone to ring me back. They haven't yet...

I texted the FC to relay this and ask if they had in fact given that permission, and the FC had bloody kittens and went to ring the police...

God knows what happened at the police's end, but they've only just started to go to look for my DD.

The only thing I can figure is that the FC was giving some suggestions of where DD might have gone. But none of DD's friends have gone to roller rink, they are going tomorrow.

DD's current boyfriend doesn't know where she is, her last (scary, threatening to beat her up for dumping him) boyfriend has messages her on fb (not knowing I'm the one logging in) asking her to please message to say she's ok as everyone is worried for her, and even her Ex-ex from the children's home is trying to find out where she is!!

Will be back in a bit, got yo trawl her fb for names

They've sent someone out to get details from the FC, and they will do the same here at some point.

Nobody has a fucking clue where my DD is, I'm really stressing about what could be happening to her.

I'm worried that she could get herself into a situation that she can't get out of, she has no money and no phone with her. It's 25 past 12, it's really cold outside. What if she's being passed around a group of grown men or something? I'm not naive enough that I don't know things like that go on. I'm shitting bricks for her now. U

Wow. Look at all the attention she's getting from her friends and also from you and the FC. And now the police too. She's the star of her own mini-series. So many people, focused 100% on her.

I've either spoken to or text messages al, of her friends. Some I can discount - there's no WAY the twins or one of her other friends will be keeping her there, as the twins parents are too strict to allow that, without speaking to me, and the other ones mum has spoken to the FC already tonight. I can't see many of the young lads that she hangs around with being able to hide her from their parents, it's a bit more obvious with 14-16yo's.

OK there's the scary ex that threatened to beat her up, but he's sent a fb message earlier that would seem to suggest that DD isn't with him, as he was asking her to get in touch as everyone is worried about her.

One of the friends I would be concerned might be hiding her, it would seem unlikely as she is two years younger than Dd, and surely her mother would bloody notice?! (I've met her mum once, she didn't seem like the sort that WOULDN'T notice IYSWIM)

Police have been to FC, done a premises check, am waiting for them to come here to do the same.

DD officially classed as a missing person now.