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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

16 year old son got visit from police today over allegations from ex girlfriend

121 replies

LadyWottinger · 04/10/2013 20:00

My poor nerves are ripped to shreds after a visit from two coppers today. My 16 year old son rides a moped and was out at the time so you can imagine my thoughts when I saw them through the window.

It turns out his ex girlfriend from more than a year ago is saying that he has inappropriate photos of her on his phone. It was a nasty break up, she was driving him mad with possessiveness, not letting him spend time with his mates and throwing hissy fits so he ended it. After that she started to get nasty, trying to get him into trouble at school. The head of year sorted it all out, having seen it many times before, and that was the last of it. Or so we thought...

He hasn't spoken to her for over a year and has nothing to do with her of her friends. He is now at college and she is still at school in Year 5. The whole experience left him so upset he has had nothing to do with girls since then.

He called her best friend to find out whats going on and the best friend doesn't have a clue. The best friend tried calling her but no answer. There are so vary vague status updates about 'disgusting people' as it appeared I was still friends with her on Facebook but I have been blocked as of an hour ago.

He is angry and upset and so am I. We are going through a difficult time with my MIL's dementia taking a nosedive and my FIL's depression. Last thing we need

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyWottinger · 04/10/2013 20:01

Year 5, meant 11. Shows my age...

OP posts:
dexter73 · 04/10/2013 20:09

Tbh I think the police would just have a word with him about the implications of having these sort of photos on his phone. There was a big hooha at my dd's school as a girl had sent pictures of herself to certain boys which then got passed on to others. The police came into the school to talk to those concerned. They had to delete the photos and got told that it was an offense to have them and share them, but that was the end of it.
Glad to hear she is in yr 11 not 5, that would be a whole different matter all together!

Original poster
LadyWottinger · 04/10/2013 20:26

Thanks for putting my mind at rest. They said they wanted to have a word with him, so thats probably it. They are probably obliged to follow anything up and talk to the teenagers concerned. Didn't have anything like that in my day, everything had to pass by the lady at Boots' eyes!

I still get the years confused. They call it year 11 and then next its 6th form like in the old days!

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dexter73 · 04/10/2013 21:13

I think it happens so often now that unless there is something more to it then they just wouldn't have the time or the manpower to keep up with it. It seems fairly 'normal' now for teenagers to send each other explicit photos which seems like madness to me but not to them.

Original poster
LadyWottinger · 08/10/2013 10:25

Time for an update. To be honest with you, I am absolutely fuming about all of this.

The police returned on Saturday evening and this time DS was home. My DH was also home and answered the door to them. When they started on about 'wanting to speak to DS' he told them how upset I'd been when I'd seen them walking up the path the day before, seeing as DS rides a moped and was out at the time.

We then hear what this is all about.
DS' ex girlfriend texted a naked photo of herself while they were still going out. DS kept it on his phone and deleted it when the split up. This is what he says and I'm inclined to believe him as he couldn't stand the sight of her after their breakup but with teenagers you never really know. 6 months ago and friend of DS got sight of this photo on when playing about on DS' computer, DS had not deleted it off his computer apparently. The friend then told another friend what he had seen and it went round the school, the ex ended up getting bullied at school (DS in no longer there, now at 6th form college) and this is how we have ended up with the police on our door.

The police were very keen to tell me that this wasn't the ex running to the police but the school had brought it to their attention. They also said that the ex and her mother did not want DS to get a criminal record over this. Gee thanks. The daughter sends my son a naked photo and her mother kindly says that she doesn't want him to get a criminal record about it!!!

All through the conversation they were making out that there was a photo in circulation. It was only towards the end when I pressed them they said nobody had seen the photo but the ex had said that DS had it on his phone and that people had seen it because they were talking about it at school. So there is no photo on the internet. I have the police on my door over a photo that they haven't even seen.

DS and myself had to sign a disclaimer to say that he didnt possess any naked photos of his ex. He also got read his rights even though the police assured me this woudnt go on the national database.

I am very angry. First of all, why did I not hear about this before it escalated? DS was still at the school 6th months ago. I was friends on Facebook with the mother until very recently. I wondered why I'd been dropped! I feel some teenage stupidity over a photo has been criminalised. They have been both stupid, her for sending it and him for keeping it. However, did the police really have to be involved. The school have my address and phone number. Her mother has it too.

I want to take this further. I feel my son has been scapegoated by the school because he is no longer a student there. They should deal with the bullies who are bulling the girl, not my son. He has had over a year as a single lad again, she caused him hell in the last weeks of their relationship. All this is being dug up again for him and us.

I will start by writing to the school.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 08/10/2013 10:29

He hasn't been scapegoated Confused

Nothing has happened, he is not harmed. He has done nothing wrong and they have ascertained that. It is now over and the school has followed procedure.

LaurieFairyCake · 08/10/2013 10:30

I'm sure you've already had a word with him about deleting the photo from his computer and how unwise it was of him to keep it and allow it to be seen by someone else.

YoureBeingADick · 08/10/2013 10:44

Tell him in future to immediately delete any naked/semi naked photos underage girls send him of themselves whether he is dating them or not. And to tell the girl he doesnt want to be sent them.

Original poster
LadyWottinger · 08/10/2013 10:51

So procedure is getting the police involved in every matter involving teenagers these days? No wonder they're over stretched. What happened to getting them in to the office and having words with them both?

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Original poster
LadyWottinger · 08/10/2013 10:55

Its the way it was handled by the school. He only left there in June and this bullying has been going on for 6th months although he didn't know about it as he has nothing to do with her, she was in the year below.

If this is 'procedure' it is bad procedure IMO. The police should be the last resort and certainly not the first people to contact those involved.

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dexter73 · 08/10/2013 10:56

I would imagine if the school find out that a naked photo of an underage girl is doing the rounds they have a duty to report it to the police, which is absolutely right. Tbh I would just leave it now. The school won't accept that they are scapegoating him as they will just mention that he had the photo and so was in the wrong.

YoureBeingADick · 08/10/2013 10:58

Of course its procedure to report to the police allegations of indecent images of children being circulated! Shock

YoureBeingADick · 08/10/2013 10:59

Btw he is not being scapegoated! He did have an image of her and he did let someone else see it. That wasnt made up.

dexter73 · 08/10/2013 11:02

The thing is by just having this image on his phone (which you say he kept until he split up with the gf) he has actually broken the law. The school have to report these incidences and the police have spoken to him about it and it hasn't gone any further and there will be no record of it. The bullying is a separate thing and is for the school to deal with.

Original poster
LadyWottinger · 08/10/2013 11:07

He never 'let' someone see it. He was foolish enough not to check it was deleted off his computer. He was wrong to keep it in the first place and has been told quite strongly by myself and my husband to never keep photos like that anywhere again.

You seem to be missing my point which is why did I not hear about this before the police were involved?

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Madamecastafiore · 08/10/2013 11:07

Do you really think the police can ring everyone they are going to visit in advance just in case a child or spouse is out on a moped?

Original poster
LadyWottinger · 08/10/2013 11:08

A phone call from the school wouldve been nice before two coppers suddenly appear on my doorstep at the end of a very difficult week involving dealing with a MIL with severe alzheimers, a depressed FIL and many other issues!

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Madamecastafiore · 08/10/2013 11:09

He did 'let' someone else see it or the friend would never have had seen it.

You did not hear about this before the police were involved because it was probably treated in a the way a safeguarding matter would be and it all had to be done officially.

Original poster
LadyWottinger · 08/10/2013 11:10

Again, why did I not get a phone call from the school months ago before the involved the police. Blimey, how many times do I have to repeat myself here??

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dexter73 · 08/10/2013 11:10

I suppose the school contact the police and then leave it up to them to proceed how they see fit. as it has been taken out of their hands at that point.

Madamecastafiore · 08/10/2013 11:10

No - the school should not ring anyone involved in any matter to warn them that the police would be visiting.

Imagine if there was an issue of abuse or neglect - do you think people should be forewarned in these cases?

Original poster
LadyWottinger · 08/10/2013 11:11

He did not give his friend permission to use his computer. Therefore he did not 'let' him see it. The fact he was foolish to have the image on there in the first place is another matter.

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YoureBeingADick · 08/10/2013 11:12

A phonecall from the school to allow him to delete evidence before the police arrived? Your son is innocent but some of these callouts unearth some very dangerous individuals and a phonecall in advance would mean the police dont have the evidence to get them off the street and keep them from preying on young girls. They have to follow protocol- they dont know who is innocent and who isnt beforehand.

Original poster
LadyWottinger · 08/10/2013 11:13

I don't agree. This is not the same as abuse or neglect.

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YoureBeingADick · 08/10/2013 11:13

By having the image on the pc he 'let' his friend see it.

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