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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

16 year old son got visit from police today over allegations from ex girlfriend

121 replies

LadyWottinger · 04/10/2013 20:00

My poor nerves are ripped to shreds after a visit from two coppers today. My 16 year old son rides a moped and was out at the time so you can imagine my thoughts when I saw them through the window.

It turns out his ex girlfriend from more than a year ago is saying that he has inappropriate photos of her on his phone. It was a nasty break up, she was driving him mad with possessiveness, not letting him spend time with his mates and throwing hissy fits so he ended it. After that she started to get nasty, trying to get him into trouble at school. The head of year sorted it all out, having seen it many times before, and that was the last of it. Or so we thought...

He hasn't spoken to her for over a year and has nothing to do with her of her friends. He is now at college and she is still at school in Year 5. The whole experience left him so upset he has had nothing to do with girls since then.

He called her best friend to find out whats going on and the best friend doesn't have a clue. The best friend tried calling her but no answer. There are so vary vague status updates about 'disgusting people' as it appeared I was still friends with her on Facebook but I have been blocked as of an hour ago.

He is angry and upset and so am I. We are going through a difficult time with my MIL's dementia taking a nosedive and my FIL's depression. Last thing we need

OP posts:
NellysKnickers · 08/10/2013 11:49

I just hope that the girl was also spoken to by the police and told off for all the time SHE has wasted by sending the photo in the first place.

ProphetOfDoom · 08/10/2013 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

macskater · 08/10/2013 12:19

Schools must get organised with policies re dealing with digital media abuse or mis-use which should include making sure all pupils and parents are au fait with the law regarding same.

All parents and pupils should be aware of the law re digital media and how it impacts across age barriers in a child protection context.

All pupils must be made aware of their responsibilities concerning their own safety which may persuade girls not to send naked photos of themselves.

They should also be made familiar with school and local authority safeguarding procedures and how and when they are invoked.

Maybe parent groups should be raising these points with their schools and local authorities as priority as this topic is not going to go away any time soon.

I am not a parent of school age children so do not have access to parent councils, PTA etc. Those who do, should take the opportunity to raise these points which may prevent further distressing incidents such as the one described by the OP here.

BoomBoomBap · 08/10/2013 12:42

The OP looks as if she was unaware of child protection procedure. I completely understand, when we were teens this digital media issue did not exist. Most things were dealt with within the school with the exception of drugs or alcohol abuse. Police tended to be called in when the school could not handle it in house anymore and parents of troublemakers had fair warning before the fuzz showed up on their doorsteps.

So OP is angry and confused and feels like her DS has been scapegoated. Macskater is right, schools needs to make sure that everyone knows about the safeguarding procedure and how it works. These are difficult and sensitive years for our children, parenting is a minefield and emotions run high.

I feel some of the early replies to OP were a little harsh. She was obviously upset and confused. It may not hurt to tread a little lightly sometimes..

sweetiepie1979 · 08/10/2013 12:52

OP your sounding massively defensive and that's understandable it's your son. But he had a naked picture Of a girl on his computer I find it hard to believe he forgot it was there! He let someone see it that person told other people and now a girl is Been bullied. Those ate the facts thank goodness it has all been dealt with and everyone has learnt a lesson. No one on here trying to make you feel worse its just the facts from an. outsiders point of view that matter

BoomBoomBap · 08/10/2013 12:55

Just out of interest, does anyone know what the law says about underage pregnancy in schools? If an underage girl becomes pregnant by an underage boy in school then a crime has been committed and are the school then obliged to report that to the police?

YoureBeingADick · 08/10/2013 13:04

Yes schools should make students and parents aware of safeguarding procedures- aswell as following those procedures. Telling students what the law is does not absolve the school of their responsibility to act when they are made aware that the law has been broken wrt a child in their care. The school acted correctly.

DameFellatioNelson · 08/10/2013 13:06

He hasn't been scapegoated

Nothing has happened, he is not harmed. He has done nothing wrong and they have ascertained that. It is now over and the school has followed procedure.

He was read his rights by police. Not nice. He will now be 'known to the police'. It might not go on the national database, but at the local station his card will be unofficially marked; they keep a record of all visits I am sure. He has been accused of something, and she hasn't, although the inappropriate behaviour initially came from her.

The whole thing was an easy mistake for him (and her) to make if what Lady says is true, but I think if the situation had been reversed an a teenaged girl had received unsolicited photos of a boy's genitals on her phone you might be saying something rather different Laurie - especially if police had arrived on her doorstep and accused her of doing something inappropriate!

DameFellatioNelson · 08/10/2013 13:07

You'd be yelling 'victim blaming' I imagine. And you make unfair assumptions to say he was unharmed by it because he was a boy. you would not have said that about a girl.

LaurieFairyCake · 08/10/2013 13:09

Every word you said was wrong Damefellationelson.

No ones 'card is marked'. He is not 'known to police'. He was read his rights as part of an investigation from which no further action was taken.

He wasn't 'accused' it was investigated.

I wouldn't say anything different if it was a boys genitals he stupidly shared.

Hth

BoomBoomBap · 08/10/2013 13:10

There's no question that the school acted correctly but the fact is the OP was not aware of these procedures and was shocked to find the police on her doorstep.

DameFellatioNelson · 08/10/2013 13:10

Hmm. I'm not so sure, but I'll have to take your word for it I guess.

BoomBoomBap · 08/10/2013 13:14

It has obviously had an effect on the boy and his family and they are upset. Nobody is belittling what the girl have family are going through but I think a little tact should be used when talking to OP about her situation and her son.

BoomBoomBap · 08/10/2013 13:15

*girl's family

PatPig · 08/10/2013 13:16

So did the police investigate the girl for producing the illegal image?

LaurieFairyCake · 08/10/2013 13:18

I'm sure they will visit her about producing the image.
It's standard.

But since the whole thing would be confidential we won't know.

SoupDragon · 08/10/2013 13:18

Anyone who has or passes on indecent images of someone under 18 is actually breaking the law. Both having and distributing these images is an offence under the Sexual Offences Act 2003.

I wonder if the girl had a visit from the police for distributing indecent images of someone under 18.

YoureBeingADick · 08/10/2013 13:19

Without meaning to be harsh, i think op not being aware of the procedures is something OP should address herself. As horrible as it must have been seeing two police officers arrive at your home, they didnt do anything they shouldn't have and everyone really should take personal responsibility for knowing or not knowing about safeguarding and how it is dealt with in your child's school and by the law. It just seems that OP is blaming the police and school for her being upset.

Floggingmolly · 08/10/2013 13:19

He didn't just have the photo she sent him; he let it be seen by someone idiotic and immature enough to spread the news of its existence round the entire school the girl attends.
However "accidentally" it happened, it happened and he played a very real part in it.

He'll know better in future.

BoomBoomBap · 08/10/2013 13:20

I don't think we'll find out unless OP comes back to the thread. She sounded quite upset.

SoupDragon · 08/10/2013 13:21

Hopefully she'll know better too.

LaurieFairyCake · 08/10/2013 13:22

There is no reason the OP will have been told that information anyway.

It's what would usually happen though.

macskater · 08/10/2013 15:34

I don't think OP will be back to this thread and I don't blame her. Look, for example, at the aggressive tone and the foul language used by the poster Madamecastafiore on page 2 of this thread. Her approach is not helpful to the OP or to any other parent or adult who is at a loss where digital media developments and safeguarding procedures are concerned. Schools, parents and parent groups should be looking at educational strategies with a view to preventing incidents such as those described by OP.

It is a fact that schools and parents are struggling to keep up with developments in digital media. Last week I came across a member of senior management in a high school who had never heard of snapchat. If school staff and parents are not even aware of what apps are out there how can they possibly protect by proactively educating young people on the minefield surrounding this subject.

DameFellatioNelson · 08/10/2013 15:48

He didn't just have the photo she sent him; he let it be seen by someone idiotic and immature enough to spread the news of its existence round the entire school the girl attends.
However "accidentally" it happened, it happened and he played a very real part in it.

And again, that assumes that the girl is somehow a victim in this, and that there has been absolutely no crime committed against him. Even though we have no evidence to show that he deliberately and maliciously 'let' someone see it as a bit of a jape, or whether it innocently popped up as part of a slideshow on his memory card. The fact is, she sent him what, in law, was an indecent image of an underage girl. She did it, not him.

Of course it is crap for her if it got seen by anyone other than the intended recipient, and I am sure he did not feel especially assaulted or violated by receiving it at the time, as they were an item, but the assumption that by default he is the aggressor (or at least a passive bystander with has not been in the least harmed by it) and she is the potential victim in this is totally unfair, and the same would never be said if there was a gender reversal in this story.

I'd like to ask Laurie and MadameC what their advice to the OP would have been if she had had a daughter who received (aged 14-15) unsolicited photos of a boy's genitals. I doubt very much they'd be saying 'nothing happened, she is not harmed, it's over now'.

I doubt it very much indeed.

BoomBoomBap · 08/10/2013 16:29

I was shocked at the tone of some of the previous posters, some of it which included swearing. I'm new on here and I really hope this isn't usual behaviour.

I've been doing some research and this is a good leaflet to read. The incident that OP describes seems to fall into the 'experimental' category and schools are advised to not call the police in on every incident of sexting.

www.parentsprotect.co.uk/files/Sexting%20in%20Schools%20eBooklet%20FINAL%2030APR13.pdf

I think OP does have a point in questioning the schools safeguarding policy and how it was handled.