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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

16 year old son got visit from police today over allegations from ex girlfriend

121 replies

LadyWottinger · 04/10/2013 20:00

My poor nerves are ripped to shreds after a visit from two coppers today. My 16 year old son rides a moped and was out at the time so you can imagine my thoughts when I saw them through the window.

It turns out his ex girlfriend from more than a year ago is saying that he has inappropriate photos of her on his phone. It was a nasty break up, she was driving him mad with possessiveness, not letting him spend time with his mates and throwing hissy fits so he ended it. After that she started to get nasty, trying to get him into trouble at school. The head of year sorted it all out, having seen it many times before, and that was the last of it. Or so we thought...

He hasn't spoken to her for over a year and has nothing to do with her of her friends. He is now at college and she is still at school in Year 5. The whole experience left him so upset he has had nothing to do with girls since then.

He called her best friend to find out whats going on and the best friend doesn't have a clue. The best friend tried calling her but no answer. There are so vary vague status updates about 'disgusting people' as it appeared I was still friends with her on Facebook but I have been blocked as of an hour ago.

He is angry and upset and so am I. We are going through a difficult time with my MIL's dementia taking a nosedive and my FIL's depression. Last thing we need

OP posts:

macskater · 08/10/2013 16:39

I really hope OP comes back to the thread if only to read.

In her shoes I would arrange a further appointment with the school and the police (maybe jointly), where the process followed could be clearly explained to her as well as the rationale behind it. She should ask to see the school's and the local authority policies on safeguarding or child protection and use/mis-use/abuse of digital media.

YoureBeingADick · 08/10/2013 16:39

Madame said "its got fuck all to do with the school getting their act together"

If that is the swearing you are talking about the. Yes that is normal for MN and HQ dont have a problem with swearing as long as it isnt a personal attack which that wasnt. This is a website for adults not children.

YoureBeingADick · 08/10/2013 16:43

The schools safeguarding policy should be available on their website. The law on safeguarding from the police's perspective should also be available online- there really is no need to take up police and school staff time with this. I personally would be furious if i thought police officers were being taken from their duties to explain the law to every tom dick an harry who was upset by that law being enforced!

BoomBoomBap · 08/10/2013 16:43

Fair enough, 'You'reBeingADick' but I think OP will be less inclined to take advice from someone who resorts to swearing to get a simple point across.

I hope she does come back on here, even just to read but I can understand how she was put off.

BoomBoomBap · 08/10/2013 16:45

I think you should reserve that judgement until you are being visited by the police, 'You'reBeingADick.

Did you read the PDF I linked to earlier? It does seem that the school in question were being heavy handed in this case but of course, you will probably disagree with the booklet.

DameFellatioNelson · 08/10/2013 16:47

I was shocked at the tone of some of the previous posters, some of it which included swearing. I'm new on here and I really hope this isn't usual behaviour.

Oh dear. You might need to toughen up if you intend to stick around then. We are wonderful, feisty, argumentative, intelligent (mostly) and compassionate (mostly) but boy, do we swear.

YoureBeingADick · 08/10/2013 16:52

I think i'll decide what i reserve my judgement on thank you very much. ( how on earth do you know my dealings with police to know i cant make that judgement?)

BoomBoomBap · 08/10/2013 16:53

so far I've only seen the feisty and swearing but hopefully the rest should follow on soon...

BoomBoomBap · 08/10/2013 16:54

macskater, excluded who has made some intelligent points rather than jumping on the 'don't question the school/police bandwagon'

BoomBoomBap · 08/10/2013 16:57

and if this is the place that starts picking on people's grammar and spelling when they've lost an argument then I'm off to the other mums site. Tbh, I don't think will be any different as all forums grant anonymity and therefore all the usual polite social norms used for face to face contact go flying out of the window!

YoureBeingADick · 08/10/2013 16:58

If youve already decided you wont like it here then why bother?

BoomBoomBap · 08/10/2013 17:09

Never said I've given up on it yet, Mrs Dick. And despite what you may say, it does look like OP has grounds to be unhappy with they way it was dealt with. It looks like I've met one of MN's trolls and your name kind of suggests it too! Anyway, nice chatting with you.

I will be back.

YoureBeingADick · 08/10/2013 17:10

Wtf just happened?

YoureBeingADick · 08/10/2013 17:11

Not only am i troll but im married? News to me

DameFellatioNelson · 08/10/2013 17:13

It can take a while BoomBoom. I left in a huff after a few weeks then got inexplicably drawn back in. I think I have fully blown Stockholm Syndrome now.

It is largely unmoderated so it can get pretty hardcore and fighty at times but there is no other forum like it for all the good things you want from a forum. You just need to get the measure of it first.

Orchidlady · 08/10/2013 17:13

soup dragon you make a fine point. Nobody made this girl send naked pictures of herself, bet no one has been to her house to caution her. She is a silly girl and hope she his sorry. I personally think it was very heavy handed by the police, sorry but I feel boys are often dragged through the coals. Sorry op you felt you had to leave the thread, I would feel outraged like you.

noddyholder · 08/10/2013 17:16

I understand how you must feel but this is procedure and necessary in some cases to be furtive as they may find more iygwim.If it was the other way round and was a picture of your son you may think differently. Let it go and show your son that you re with him and advise him never to get involved in anything like this again. Delete pics like this This is where the internet is dangerous

TeaAndSconesTwice · 08/10/2013 17:43

If she didn't want people to see naked pictures of her maybe she shouldn't go around sending them to people in the first place!

noddyholder · 08/10/2013 17:45

That doesn't really matter as this is about the action the school took really. Which was right if you look at it dispassionately

BoomBoomBap · 08/10/2013 19:55

Do you think involving the police was over the top though?

From what we know, the image has never been circulated beyond the boy and the girl and a friend who saw it. Nobody was co-erced or groomed, the girl sent the boy the photo voluntarily while they were in a relationship. Yes certainly a strong talking to them both and making sure that any image has been destroyed. Maybe a good talk to the whole school about this issue and what can happen. But the police seemed a bit much in this instance.

YoureBeingADick · 08/10/2013 20:00

But boomboom the school dis t know any of this! All they knew was what they heard from other students that an ex student had a naked picture of an underage girl at the school on his computer- they have a duty to inform the police- they cant take it upon themselves to find out the full story in a case like that. They have to act immediately to alert the police to a possible crime.

YoureBeingADick · 08/10/2013 20:01

didnt

Madamecastafiore · 08/10/2013 20:09

My swearing was not attacking the op but done in exasperation as she is just not listening.

The police shouldn't have to call people in advance in case a family member happens to be out on a dangerous mode of transport nor does the school have to warn people if they make a safeguarding referral.

As for saying the girl shouldn't have done it, that is all well and good but lots of kids are coerced into doing this sort of thing and protocol just has to be followed for their protection.

If this was in AIBU the unanimous answer would be YABU and the op would be flamed for not accepting popular opinion.

Madamecastafiore · 08/10/2013 20:14

They followed procedure set down by professionals who know what they are talking about. They don't have to set procedures up to keep hysterical parents happy.

HaroldLloyd · 08/10/2013 20:14

I think the police had a duty to go out to be honest.

I suppose the girl didn't KNOW he wasn't distributing it, they came out, he explained, no further action was taken.

It's certainly something teenage boys and girls should be wary of before sharing such intimate photos.

I can't see what good can come from taking this further, I would imagine the girls parents were less than impressed, plus she must be pretty mortified about having to tell everyone she sent it.

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