Plse HELP..now found innappropriate txts on 14yr olds phone from 18yr old

[febel]

Hi, sorry to be asking again...am having a bad week this week and now found all my fears about 14 year old boyfriend are prob as nothing ...found VERY inappropriate texts from 18/19 yr old on 14 yr old daughters phone. He helps at her local watersports club and has just gone back to uni..and is doing a course in helping teach kids sports etc No doubt she is not been without blame..leading him on ..BUT the texts he hs sent are to do with her losing her virginity to him, with him licking...well..you get the general picture. She was asking me why her phone wouldn't send mms ..and thank god it wouldn't cos found out from her texts that she was goin to send him some of her as long as he didn't put em on f/bk etc (!!!doesn't she listen at school or to ME ever?!) What should I do..she is hysterical upstairs, made herself sick over it..saying she has ruined his career if I tell anyone etc.

I do know him from the club vaguely, and his dad..if I phone him (the lad) and have a word it doesn't solve the fact he may be back in the hols to help at the club...and I feel he can't come back and help..but his dad is so big in the club he will. I don't want to get him into loads of trouble but feel he shouldn't have done it..he has a duty of care to the youngsters he is dealing with even if they do lead him on at times.

Plse help

The concern about his career being ruined doesn't really factor here.

If this does ruin his career then it will have prevented him from possibly thinking in the future that he got away with it, and future 'temptation' (in his eyes) could probably lead him to do the same thing again.

My overriding concern here is the explicit nature of the texts he sent her and what he was asking her to do.

And you can bet that if she had managed to send him a picture of himself, that image would have been put on Facebook in no time. Once it's out there, it's out there forever.

Actually, I think having an image like that on your phone is illegal? Especially of a minor.

This isn't to the OP as I think she's acted appropriately, but I wonder how many other men (women?) in powers of trust over vulnerable children in their early lives did stuff that were warning signs of things to come, but someone who knew about it did nothing about it in case it was overreacting, or worried about how it would affect their career and then that allowed the said person to go on to systematically abuse.

Just a thought.

Sorry, a picture of herself, not him self.

Doh.

Report him. His career etc. are not what matters. he has no right working with children.

The pedophile thing is a red herring, in my opinion. Even if the op's daughter was 16, the man would still be acting completely inappropriately. He is using his position of trust to exploit vulnerable people, and should be reported for doing so. The fact that the op's daughter is only 14 makes it worse, but even if she wasn't, his actions were very wrong.

No, the 18/19 yr old isn't her boyfrnd..her byfrnd is 14, same year as her at school. (and apparently been ignoring her a little this week..as 14 yr old lads can!) Since yesterday have found out he has also put my neice on his fb and she is 13..however no explicit messages just hello (my d's name) cousin. This has put wind up me but still don't think he is evil..just v mis judged and immature...and this is backe up by his fbk. Am going to check with other mums at club to see if their daughters involved.. but having checked his fb can only see one and am q friendly with her mum so will talk today.
Sorry electra, I AM going to speak to sports club, if only so when they have other older kids help they really emphasise that the helper SHOULDN'T be adding the kids to their fbk or texting them. (and yes he does have a full and clean CRB check..for all that's worth) He should be grateful am not reporting him to police. Think if I speak to the club, they know him better than me cos he is a long term member, as is his dad. Also means they won't try and persuade him to help again with the younger ones in university breaks. Not speaking to his dad cos he is v loud,over bearing and a bit scarey! Would imagine the bloke I tell will perhaps in a round about way talk to his dad.

It's an abuse of trust, he should be reported to his employer and the police.

And to those screaming 'paedophile', make an effort to learn what the word means before you use it. A 14yo is not pre-pubescent.

And an 18yo having consensual sex with a 14yo is not rape ffs, it's 'sexual activity with a child', a completely different offence.

Report him to the police.

God, quite aside from the legality aspect the guy is a weirdo and a perv. He is university age and she is a child.

I wouldn't report him. You will ruin his career. He's 18, he fancies someone 4 years younger and has acted on it. Yes, it's stupid, but he;'s young and probably hasn't thought through the implications.

I think ringing him and giving him a piece of your mind was a good idea. Give him the chance to back off. If he doesn't - that's when you involve the coach etc. Don't ruin his life when it's not even begun.

I think you are wrong. Read those messages again. What would have happened if you hadn't seen them?

Cumbria his career won't be ruined. He'll get a warning, a caution at the very most and will learn not to be so stupid in future.

I would hand everything over to the safeguarding person at the club. And then let them do their job. regardless of the big shouty dad, they have procedures to follow and at the very least, this will stop this ever happening again with another young lass.

Dont try and second guess what will happen next and whether the police/authorities should/shouldnt be involved. Just hand it over and let them make all these hard decisions about who should be involved, whose career will be effected etc. DO NOT MAKE THIS DECISION YOURSELF - you are already ensnared in guilt and worry and cannot be objective. Let those in a position of authority make that call.

At the very least, the club need to ensure that this young man is not allowed to do this again, but they also need to determine how many young women have been contacted. You standing on the side of the pool/pond asking parents is just going to cause more damage as it becomes a big scandalous gossip and will do more to destroy this young mans career than letting safeguarding do their job.

I'm always amazed in sexual offences why everyone cares so much about the offenders 'career'

If it had been my daughter who had been preyed on like this, i would have no hesitation to contact all the relevant authorites.

Then i'd have to stop manshape going after him.

This may be a little bit controversial bu I used to do this kind of thing at that age - at least she knows him and it isnt some random off the internet, OK she is young but it sounds as if she is a bit more mature for her age - I know it sounds tough but I think getting in touch with the club is a bad idea, you could be ruining his whole life over some texts that to be honest (and I'm talking from experience and knowledge here) are probably encouraged and recipricated by your daughter

I think a quick phone call to this lad and a bit of a "You do KNOW its illegal don't you" talk will probably go a long way, then remove his number from your daughters phone and tell her she has had her chance now and if you find it happening again then you will go higher!

I think the problem is that young lads get the rap for a lot of this but imagine having all of that attention from pretty young ladies - they get the automatic pervert badge - But in reality 4 years is not that big an age gap, it is just entirely innapropriate at these ages, you just need to explain to both of them that it is not on

Good luck!

Excellent post HattiFattner - the safeguarding procedures are in place so that when emotions are high, the relevant people know what they should do and can make clear, rational decisions.

OP - don't take this into your own hands and then worry whether you've done the right thing or not. I'm sure they'll be a written document for parents saying something along the lines of 'if you have any concerns about anything, please contact...'

The club need to know and they will take appropriate next steps.

Bloody hell! An adult in a position of trust sends texts to a 14 year old about taking her virginity and having oral sex with her and people are saying ' Oh pool lad, he probably didn't mean it and it was a misjudgment and anyway she probably led him on"

Listen to yourselves, people! Oh, and just as a little experiment, think what you reaction would be if these texts were sent to a 14 year old boy, rather than a girl........

BusyBodd - excellent post.

OP your daughter has not done anything wrong.

Do not blame her.

My year 6 teacher at primary school was an avid sports coach too, he did gymnastics etc etc with the kids after school and took over the running of the P.E plans for the whole (small) school.
Fast forward to me becoming an adult, opening the local paper, reading a story that he's been caught and sentenced to prison as his computer had thousands of images of young children (babies to early teens) being abused, tortured and raped. He too started out at around 17-18 helping with sports clubs, and he admitted in court that his disgusting interest in children started at puberty for him.

Obviously they are different people, but in these days of enlightenment and vastly increased awareness of what is right and what is wrong, why the hell would you even take the chance? Ring the police now if you havent already.

I'm having to post again because I really am furious about this actually- I have two daughters and if something like this occurred in our household, the FIRST thing we would have done is contacted the police. Not shielded a potential future paedophile like you are doing right now. Be ashamed, you have let your young and clearly vulnerable daughter down in a big way. Fuck the big shouty dad- as if that matters! Defend your CHILD against this MAN.

im with you twopeas, who cares about his career! its not your worry.
He is an adult incharge of children, use your young people, who trust him. He has managed to get your dds phone number, then managed to get her to hide it from you, then sent her sexual messages and looks as if it likely would have ended in action if you hadnt found out!!
Trust the poster on here that say very clearly that you learn about safe gruarding and child protection and proffessional bounderies very early on in ANY course you do about working with kids.
I have worked with sexual abuse victums and abuser in my previous job. It not something that only starts when someone hits 20/25/30 ect, most start very early on.
He knew what he was doing was wrong, he knew he was in a potision of trust, he knew her age.

Would people make the same comments if he was 23? 40? 35? years old. He IS an ADULT!

BusyBodd- excellent post

OP, you have to report him.
As a helper, I am sure he is well aware of safeguarding proceedures and if he isn't, then this is a reallt good example of why he bloody well should be.
He is an a position of trust, and is an adult preying on a child. It doesn't matter if he is 18 or 28. He is still in the wrong.
If you don't want to report him to the club, please ring the NSPCC for some impartial advice.
NSPCC
the number is 0800 800 5000

Please do report.

It's so wrong what he has done. Three children from his club on his facebook- he's either a fool or a paedophile. Let the police decide.

There is a reason his CRB is clean - he hasn't had anyone report him yet....

Stop trying to make the decisions yourself. Hand it over to people whp do this for a living (the police -and the sports club). They can decide whether to persue it or not. I think I know what they will do...

If he was at school, the texts are still too explicit... He is abusing his position of power. At the very least he need a very big wake-up call.

Im shocked actually at the lastest posts, it is disgusting that this young man has preyed on and is in the proccess of grooming this young girl, and Im disapointed that people, actually women aqnd mothers are taking the view it is inoccent and not to report as it may affect his carear. You are colooding with this behaviour in normalising it. It is not normal nor acceptable, what he is doing is taking advantage and exploiting his position to gratify his sexual desire, fucking vile.

Op you must take this to the appropriate authorities and if you do not then IMHO opinion you will be partly responsible for any thing else he becomes involed in, ffs what if a year down the line he takes this further with another young girl your neice for instance you say oh yeah I knew what her was like he sent pernopgraphic texts to my dd, can you imagine the reaction.

Im not sure many posters have actually said he is a paedophile.

I would assess the situation and act the same as you, OP. I hope it all goes okay.

To me a pedophile is into children below sexual maturity; like it or not, a 14yo is usually reproductively mature (above the age of marriage/consent in many places & traditions, including Europe until the Industrial Revolution). The 18yo is an idiot but not a pervert in my book.