Plse HELP..now found innappropriate txts on 14yr olds phone from 18yr old

[febel]

Hi, sorry to be asking again...am having a bad week this week and now found all my fears about 14 year old boyfriend are prob as nothing ...found VERY inappropriate texts from 18/19 yr old on 14 yr old daughters phone. He helps at her local watersports club and has just gone back to uni..and is doing a course in helping teach kids sports etc No doubt she is not been without blame..leading him on ..BUT the texts he hs sent are to do with her losing her virginity to him, with him licking...well..you get the general picture. She was asking me why her phone wouldn't send mms ..and thank god it wouldn't cos found out from her texts that she was goin to send him some of her as long as he didn't put em on f/bk etc (!!!doesn't she listen at school or to ME ever?!) What should I do..she is hysterical upstairs, made herself sick over it..saying she has ruined his career if I tell anyone etc.

I do know him from the club vaguely, and his dad..if I phone him (the lad) and have a word it doesn't solve the fact he may be back in the hols to help at the club...and I feel he can't come back and help..but his dad is so big in the club he will. I don't want to get him into loads of trouble but feel he shouldn't have done it..he has a duty of care to the youngsters he is dealing with even if they do lead him on at times.

Plse help

[Smellslikecatpee]

The point here is that he knew her age, he's done a year+ of his course, this topic will have been covered in full and he still did it. So either he is actively pursuing her or he?s a bloody idiot, either way he shouldn?t be allowed to be in a position of responsibility.

As others have mentioned it might be a little different if they had meet in a different where they may have been a possibility that he didn?t know what age she was, but he did. (when I was 14 I dated a 21 year old, I ran with an older crowd due to an activity I was involved in, I assumed that he knew what age I was . To his credit the minute he actually found out what age I was he dumped me instantly, nicely but instantly!)

I think you have to be very suspicious of this young mans intentions

[Pan]

IT doesn't really matter in which guise you post in this issue. it's woefully inadequate either way , esp:
"as a bobby i would be seizing the phones and if he has any images on his phone of any underage child he would be getting arrested. simple as that. and yes his career would be ended.

as a bobby i would be dealing with this as the complainant wanted me to deal with it."

• he is grooming her for sexual purposes - he doesn't have to do it in images.
  
• you'd deal with it as is wanted by the mother/and or young girl? I 'd think a v. simple reading of your responsibilities re safeguarding practices would show that position to be inadequate.
  
  I wasn't looking for an argument with you, Vicar - I like lots of oyur other posts. Am just pretty shocked at your proposed response to this situation.

[stripeybump]

Vicar - do you not think that his role as her tutor, the fact that he is training to work with children and the fact that she is a virgin are not aggravating factors here?

They didn't meet as equals, he is responsible for her in a professional capacity.

When I was 22 and teaching 6th formers, no matter how good-looking, fun or flirtatious they could be with me - they were in my care and therefore I would never even consider allowing anything to happen.

I'm married to someone now 3 years younger than me, but we met on an entirely equal footing.

I know you don't have to post in a professional capacity but it does shock me that you don't see this as a totally unacceptable situation with potentially awful consequences for another young girl if OP doesn't report it properly.

[MarginallyNarkyPuffin]

He's 18 years old. He is at university. He wants to teach sports 'to kids'. He is sexually involved with a 14 year old girl.

Keep the phone. Contact the centre he works/worked at and report that you've found out he's involved with your child. Contact his university. Contact the police. The police are not great at dealing with this kind of thing. They don't tend to push it if it is consensual. This doesn't mean you shouldn't. A normal 18/19 year old male, particularly one that is interested in teaching, does not get sexually involved with a 14 year old virgin. It wouldn't make any difference at all to me if she were experienced, but to me it suggests a degree of predation that she was inexperienced.

[Pan]

Vicar - I didn't say youwere inadequate. Your proposed response is though, fpr all of the reasons given.

and ,no of course all of your posts aren't going to be scrutinised and seen through the prism of your job. BUT...when you come along onto a thread like this regarding child sex abuse, legality and Safeguarding children, and hand out advice in the manner you have then it is fair for anyone to say 'and I thought you were a police officer - you should know about these things'.

[Pan]

no Vicar - no-one is putting words in your mouth - there is no need to. And there is no need to shout either. Or claim that you are being called 'shocking'. You were handeding out really really dodgy advice, contrary to all professional guidance, and so it's fair to challenge you on it.

[febel]

Thanks for all your advise, but can i just emphasise , he hasn't actually HAD sex with her...these were just very inappropriate texts which came from him/his phone. Wrong, ill advised, weird, disgusting, possibley texted when drunk or by someone else...and sorry if I'm a bit innocent but I have been a little shocked by how pple jump instantly to the "phone the police" stage. I have reported him to the club, they will deal with it in the appropriate manner and the police may get involved. However, youngsters do do innappropriate and ill advised things at this age, I know , I work with them! No, he shouldn't have done it, it is wrong and immature and horrible.( and as my eldest daughter said, just plain WEIRD at his age!) Am not saying he shouldn't be reported, and it's out of my hands now.

[lisad123]

I hope club deal with this correctly and does not sweep this under the rug! His crb may be clear if they do and he could easily do this to another young lady, maybe younger than your dd and then it may go further
Lads his age may be I'll advised and stupid BUT not room for this in his job imo

[GoodrickeCBlock]

Febel Reporting him to the club isn't enough. Especially as his father may hold some sway there.

When I was teaching we had uni students come in and help out with after school clubs and holiday clubs. If they had done what this lad has done the only thing I could have done is report it to our child safety officer who would in turn reported it to the police.

If they had met in a social environment then it would be a totally different situation.

If he goes and helps out with some other club next year, in a position of responsibility, and gets a 13/14/15 year old pregnant you'll know you could have possibly done something to prevent it. But you didn't.

[Pan]

at the very very least, phone the NSPCC help line with the full story, for experienced, impartial advice.

[MangoMonster]

Agree with Pan, yes he may just be an idiot but equally the next girl could be younger or less mature. He works with kids, it's not on. I bet lots of young girls who he works with have crushes on him and he should not be abusing that. All teenage girls have crushes and fantasise but how far he would want to take it and how far these young girls would, is probably miles apart. Please at least call nspcc and get some proper advice.

[GoodrickeCBlock]

Mango " All teenage girls have crushes and fantasise but how far he would want to take it and how far these young girls would, is probably miles apart"

You are so right. I worked with a very good looking young teacher and the girls in the school all fancied him rotten. He did an after school club with the sixth form boys and when organising a tournament he gave out his mobile number for the parents to have. Of course the number ended up being passed around and some of the girls sent indecent texts and messages to him. He was mortified. He dealt with it excellently, but it goes to show what can happen with no encouragement, let alone what can happen if the person in responsibility encourages the children.

[Cynthia32]

I'm sorry but I think some of the posters on this thread are being way OTT. Yes, the 18 year old has acted irresponsibly and of course he needs to be made aware of this. But for those of you who are saying the 14 year old has done nothing wrong and is innocent in this, are incorrect. The 14 year old has encouraged the texts and has been responding in a suggestive manner. If she was that worried or scared by it she'd have told someone or at least wouldn't have replied in a flirtacious manner! She can think for herself at 14. For those of you who are saying he is in a position of authority, that's also a grey area because it hasn't been said he is in charge or anything, he is just helping out. And for those saying he isn't fit to work with teenagers he IS a teenager himself! The OP saying he is in his 2nd year at University seems a little odd to me as well if he is only 18 but I could be wrong. A lot of 14 year olds have sex when they are in relationships at this age. Of course, that doesn't make it right that they do, but they are not innocent little children, they often don't look like children in a puberty sense either at that age. This does obviously need to be stopped, but as the OP has already spoken to him that should be enough to scare him off! She could talk to the club too if she likes but personally I think going to the Police at this stage would be a bit unnecessary - the two of them haven't actually acted upon the suggestions in the texts as far as we know. Obviously, if the 18 year old continues to act inappropriately now the OP has spoken to him, then that would be the stage where you should report it to the Police. As those of you with 18 year olds and over know, 18 year olds are legally adults, but they can still be very immature and stupid as well. Some of you have said the 14 year old needs to be told she's done nothing wrong - well that would be silly as it would make it seem as though her replying suggestively to the texts is an okay thing to do! She needs to be made aware that this 18 year old is behaving inappropriately by texting her these things and that she shouldn't respond. But to be honest, she probably likes the attention and it would probably seem cool to her friends that she is texting an older boy!! But honestly - with that age gap and the fact the 14 year old is encouraging it means he is definitely NOT a paedophile.

[seeker]

Cynthia, would you say the same if then18/19 year old had sent texts like that to a 14 year old boy?

[Cynthia32]

Yes I would. I know a 27 year old woman who is in a relationship with a 19 year old man. That's a bigger age gap and I find that far weirder than this, even though they are both adults! Some 14 year old boys can look/act very mature for their age! They can be hairy and their voices can have broken and I'm sure they'd be VERY pleased to get some attention from an 18/19 year old girl! However I doubt an 18/19 year old girl would be interested in a 14 year old boy because of the maturity difference. In general, girls mature more quickly than boys. So I don't find the OP's situation that shocking if I'm honest.

[acrunchieandacupoftea]

electra, standing up for a guy who wants to take a 14 year olds virginity by saying he is still like a child is SO scary and unhelpful. If he were a virgin, and so, more childlike, and sending sweet, romantic texts it may be a different matter, but even so - inappropriate given that he met her at work, he has chosen to work with young people, hopefully for the right reason.

[MangoMonster]

I'm sorry but when i was 14 and living in a dream world where bad things didn't happen to me... I would have acted the same as the ops dc. The point is, luckily the guys I fantasied about didnt hold me to it, thank god. Sex is a minefield for an adult let alone a 14 year old. I really don't care about alll this "shes mature", " she's wants a physical relationship". She's never had one, so how the hell would she know.

And why the hell is a guy who is at uni trying on with a kid. I'm sure there are lots of girls on his course. Come on, he's taking the piss.

I went out with a 19 year old when I was 15, but he never sent me shit like that. Although he was most definitely after one thing only and when he realised he wasn't going to get it, it finished.

The point is, if he hadn't been found out, they probably would have had sex unless the girl in question could stand up for herself.


Plus doctors aren't allowed to have relationships with patients for this exact same reason. Power and vunerability make for a bad combination.

[festi]

well febel I think you are handeling this in the wrong way, but I suppose just my opinion, you did request....help!!!, So I would not be so shocked nor judgmental about the advice people have posted here. It most definatly is not out of your hands and I find that a very sad statement when considering, the wellbeing, dignity and respect that this attidude will convey to your 14 year old Daughter, very very sad indeed. Dont be surprised when she rocks home pregnant or worse god forbid, some time soon.

[Pan]

Don't we have countless threads that indicate " it isn't the convicted ones you have to worry about, it's the one's with clean CRBs that are more convincing."?

or, "child abusers aren't monsters with informative labels on their fore-heads - it's that bloke next door, or the mate of your dh/dp, or the bus driver, all of whom look niceand safe?"
Well, here's one and some of the posters here don't wish to recognise it for what it is - a clear abuse of trust for sexual gratification from a child.

But the OP has decided on a course of action, so best of luck with it.

[MarginallyNarkyPuffin]

Again, He is 18/19. He wants to work with 'older kids', teaching sports. He has been sending very inappropriate sexual texts to a 14 year old.

He may be an idiot. He may also be a predator in the making.

[deemented]

Wow OP, i think you are being incredibly naieve.

It wasn't a silly immature prank - he knew exactly what he was asking her to do. I am really shocked that you aren't going to take this further.

If it were my child i would be absolutely livid and wouldn't stop until appropriate action had been taken. I know that in all good concience i couldn't not do anything in case it happened again to another girl. I couldn't live with myself.

[Cynthia32]

Urgh..read my post above deemented.

[Pan]

cynthia - I think we've all read your post. IMO you are very very wide of the mark.