Plse HELP..now found innappropriate txts on 14yr olds phone from 18yr old

[febel]

Hi, sorry to be asking again...am having a bad week this week and now found all my fears about 14 year old boyfriend are prob as nothing ...found VERY inappropriate texts from 18/19 yr old on 14 yr old daughters phone. He helps at her local watersports club and has just gone back to uni..and is doing a course in helping teach kids sports etc No doubt she is not been without blame..leading him on ..BUT the texts he hs sent are to do with her losing her virginity to him, with him licking...well..you get the general picture. She was asking me why her phone wouldn't send mms ..and thank god it wouldn't cos found out from her texts that she was goin to send him some of her as long as he didn't put em on f/bk etc (!!!doesn't she listen at school or to ME ever?!) What should I do..she is hysterical upstairs, made herself sick over it..saying she has ruined his career if I tell anyone etc.

I do know him from the club vaguely, and his dad..if I phone him (the lad) and have a word it doesn't solve the fact he may be back in the hols to help at the club...and I feel he can't come back and help..but his dad is so big in the club he will. I don't want to get him into loads of trouble but feel he shouldn't have done it..he has a duty of care to the youngsters he is dealing with even if they do lead him on at times.

Plse help

[stripeybump]

Cynthia - your argument of the girl 'asking for it' is pretty common in underage rape cases. You'd get on with some of the most senior judges in the country.

However, I respectfully disagree.

[Cynthia32]

Pan, please explain why you think I am very very wide off the mark? Stripeybump, not saying the girl was asking for it but saying that she spurred him on by replying to the texts in a sexual way. She never discouraged it.

[deemented]

I did , cynthia, and IMO it's a load of shite.

The fella knew exactly what he was doing. He didn't accidently text a 14 year old child and accidently say 'I want you to lose your virginity to me, and i want to lick you out', now did he?

He is an adult in a position of huge responsibility. What he did was entirely inappropriate.

I sincerly hope he never crosses my daughters path.

[Pan]

cynthia - ~I see deemented has started! the girl is a child, and so is extremely vulnersable sexually. He is abusing his position to proposition her for sex, at 14 years old. This isn't a shared responsibility.

We have laws to protect young people from sexual advances, until they are old enough to deal with them emotionally. He is taking advantage of his age/position to 'groom' her so he can have sex with her. Don't see how plainer it can be.

[TheOriginalFAB]

I think you are wrong and are playing this down.

If it was my dd I would be phoning the police, not calling his place of work.

[fortyplus]

Can't believe those who say don't report him!! He's in a position of authority. If he's working at a Sports Club he should've been on the standard Safeguarding Children Course that all sports coaches undertake. He should be very aware that he must have no physical relationships with anyone under 18 for whom he has responsibility. In fact he shouldn't ever even be alone with them!

[Cynthia32]

He knew what he was writing to her yes, deemented, but do you think he would have suddenly just come out with that? From what the OP says there are quite a few texts which probably lead up to that one. Its likely that it started out with far more innocent texts which gradually got more flirty (and the OP's DD probably got more and more sexually explicit as well, encouraging him to think it was ok). He is legally an adult yes so he should have thought more about what he was doing. Pan - it is certainly a shared responsibility. He should take the blame more than the DD as he is legally an adult but she must take a small amount of responsibility. As other posters have said, he's 18 years old, he's not 'grooming' her.

[festi]

yes cynthia...indeed classic groming behaviour.

[fortyplus]

Cynthia32 the fact that he's a sports coach means that he is 100% to blame. My son is 17 and we both coach at a sports club - he understands perfectly well what responsibility is entailed. We can't even use the changing rooms at the same time as our same-sex students

[deemented]

I do see what you're saying, cynthhia, but reguardless of wether she was 'leading him on' he should a, firstly not be texting her, and b, certainly not be texting her with sexually explicit suggestions.

It doesn't matter a jot if she text him first - if that was the case then as soon as he recieved a text from her he should have gone to a supieror and have them deal with it - ie, someone have a quiet word with her that would leave her in no doubt that it was completely inappropriate and not on. He's obviously encouraged this though, and hell, what hormonal 14 year old girl wouldn't have her head turned by the attention of an older man? She probably finds his attention exciting and is thrilled by it - but that doesn't mean she's 'asking for it'. She's still a child and he is the adult and he's abused his position of trust by engaging in this with this girl. Can you not see that?

[seeker]

Cynthia, you miss my point. Would you feel the same if an 18/19yeqr old man had written such texts to a 14 year old boy?-

[MangoMonster]

Agree with demented,

It doesn't matter a jot if she text him first - if that was the case then as soon as he recieved a text from her he should have gone to a supieror and have them deal with it - ie, someone have a quiet word with her that would leave her in no doubt that it was completely inappropriate and not on. He's obviously encouraged this though, and hell, what hormonal 14 year old girl wouldn't have her head turned by the attention of an older man? She probably finds his attention exciting and is thrilled by it - but that doesn't mean she's 'asking for it'. She's still a child and he is the adult and he's abused his position of trust by engaging in this with this girl. Can you not see that?

[MangoMonster]

Sorry to bang on OP, but you did ask. At least you have managed to intercept all this before your dd got too involved.

[deemented]

Thinking more on it - if she text him first then he should have gone all out to make sure his own ass was covered. Surely that's what most men in this line of work dread most - a young girl having a crush on them and them being seen to have encouraged it?

If on the other hand it was him that texted her firat, well that opens up a whole other side of this. What business does an adult male have with texting a fourteen year old child?

[AnyFucker]

Dee, I think it quite clear what business an 18/19 yr old would have in sending texts of a sexual nature and asking for (I assume) pics of genitals from a 14 yo

Using a position of (perceived) authority in this way is calculating, and stupid and shows a worrying lack of boundaries which would have been made quite explicit to him during his training. He may not be "in charge" but there is probably a gaggle of teenage girls in thrall to him, hence the position of "power"

I wonder how many other girls he is grooming ?

Those he say he is merely making an understandable mistake are very, very naive. He isn't a paedophile but he is a sexual predator. This is how it starts.

OP, what do you think might have happened if you hadn't put a stop to this ?

[ajandjjmum]

So we all have different opinions. For what it's worth I'm sure that the OP will keep a very close eye on her DD, particularly in relation to this sports club - which the boy helps out at, doesn't work at.

festi - I think your comment is just nasty. Any of our DD's could roll up pregnant, we just have to do our best.

[seeker]

This is not a mqttter of opinion. An 18 year old in a position of trust snt inappropriate texts to a 14 year old. Then, after being warned, added another young girl on Facebook. This is a matter for his supervisors, not for the 14 year old.

Why has nobody answered my question aout Wyeth pop ould be so foriving if it was an 18 year old man texting a 14 year old boy? I suspect because our misogynist view of the world makes it easy for us to say that girls are culpable in the the bad behaviour of men

[AnyFucker]

I agree this isn't a matter of opinion.

it is a matter for The Law.

[Pan]

no aj - excepting one or two only, ( Cynthia, Vicar I think ) we are all of the same opinion. Anybody on the thread wit hexperience of htis sort of thing is urging OP to report, for v. good reasons.

[Pan]

no missed electra, who doesn't think he is grooming her for sex.

[LittlePushka]

I would report because of the position of trust AND also when does it cease to be ok in your opinion....13yrs, 12.5 years, 12 years.

The law is 16 for a reason. At 18/19 he is well aware of the law and of his position for trust. If he is not aware of either or both, then his club certainly are aware and should be advised.

Statutory rape applies to chilldren under 16.

[fortyplus]

seeker I for one didn't answer your point becuase I would think it was neither better nor worse for an 18 yo man to be texting a 14yo boy. Nothing to do with misogyny in my eyes.

[fortyplus]

The sports club should have a welfare officer who will have been trained to deal with such cases. They have an obligation to pass on the facts to whichever authorities are relevant.