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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Plse HELP..now found innappropriate txts on 14yr olds phone from 18yr old

177 replies

febel · 09/09/2011 21:33

Hi, sorry to be asking again...am having a bad week this week and now found all my fears about 14 year old boyfriend are prob as nothing ...found VERY inappropriate texts from 18/19 yr old on 14 yr old daughters phone. He helps at her local watersports club and has just gone back to uni..and is doing a course in helping teach kids sports etc No doubt she is not been without blame..leading him on ..BUT the texts he hs sent are to do with her losing her virginity to him, with him licking...well..you get the general picture. She was asking me why her phone wouldn't send mms ..and thank god it wouldn't cos found out from her texts that she was goin to send him some of her as long as he didn't put em on f/bk etc (!!!doesn't she listen at school or to ME ever?!) What should I do..she is hysterical upstairs, made herself sick over it..saying she has ruined his career if I tell anyone etc.

I do know him from the club vaguely, and his dad..if I phone him (the lad) and have a word it doesn't solve the fact he may be back in the hols to help at the club...and I feel he can't come back and help..but his dad is so big in the club he will. I don't want to get him into loads of trouble but feel he shouldn't have done it..he has a duty of care to the youngsters he is dealing with even if they do lead him on at times.

Plse help

OP posts:

Report

ajandjjmum · 10/09/2011 19:44

I understand what your saying completely festi.

But I have an 18 yo DD and 19 yo DS and I know there are times they still need guidance - and I think that DH and I could still have an influence on their behaviour. Although I hope to God that it would never be on an issue so serious. When you think of a random 18 year old, you think of them being adult, but when you're their parent, you know that in some ways that can be like overgrown kids.

Not under-estimating the behaviour at all though, and I do think it needs to be treated seriously.

lisad123 · 10/09/2011 19:49

I had a 19 year old boyfriend at 15, and I dont think its that bog a deal in a normal situation HOWEVER, he is a teacher/tutor/mentor and has plently of access to young girls. He knew her age, he knew she was a child, he knew he was a position of trust. I would report him, clearly he has no proffessional bounderies, no qualms about insighting a minor for sex. This wasnt just kissy kissy texts, this sounds like very sexual full on texts with the idea that she may carry them out!

Anyone working with kids is warned about proffessional bounderies, I was a 18 year old working with kids and i fully well knew the guidelines, at 19 years ols and at uni, he would have been told countless times!

MangoMonster · 10/09/2011 19:54

It's a hard one, but what he is doing is illegal and he needs to be aware of that. When I was young I knew girls who were having sex at 13 an it seemed ok at the time but now I see that they were being taken advantage of. I would report him as he works in a position of authority with kids. He will probably just get a warning. Call nspcc, they will be able to advise you.

Talker2010 · 10/09/2011 19:56

Of course you have to report him

This is not a girl simply meeting an older boy nor is it someone who has been fooled into thinking the girl is older nor is it a case of innocent communication

He is an adult in a responsible position ... she is a child and he knows this ... the messages are sexually explicit

Report him

festi · 10/09/2011 19:56

I also think though at 18 and 19, I and some others young men included also where in a position working with young vulnerable people. If a matter of proffessionalism had arose, I would find it a bit strange had my employer or anyone else would have contacted my parents.

PinkWinged · 10/09/2011 19:57

Agree with electra, don't report him and ruin his life. Talk to him and your daughter find out exactly what has gone on and how close they are. The age of consent is just a number, it's about their maturity and ability to make responsible sensible decisions.
If after talking to them you think there is definite abuse or a power trip going on THEN yes report him; as that is likely to be a pattern for life. The chances are that the club will escalate it and it there will be a police investigation/ court case etc. Is your daughter strong enough for this?
If they are boyfriend/ girlfriend then leave it be and keep a much much much closer eye on your daughter in future.

lisad123 · 10/09/2011 20:02

i spent 2 terms on CP, bounderies, and safeguarding in my first year, trust me this would have been covered. Even if they are in a relationship clearly he would have known it was wrong from the start, and should have dealt with it, even if she was chasing him.
Its a police matter and tbh you shouldnt do anything further until you have spoken to them, you could screw everything up.
If he was a teacher in a school at 20 and she was 14 it would be cut and dry. His ina position of trust, he blew it, he knew it was. 19 is an adult, not like his 16 fgs

lisad123 · 10/09/2011 20:04

banana is right, sat rape is under 13years, however under age of consent is still rape, just a slightly greyer shade.

stripeybump · 10/09/2011 20:12

at people thinking a wee chat with his dad is enough!

OP you must report him. He's in a position of responsibility working with young teenagers regularly. He will have been CRB checked. He knows what he is doing - taking advantage of a young girl.

Taking her virginity? Licking her?

Report, report, report and keep all evidence of messages.

Your daughter is exactly where he wants her - scared of betraying their little secret. How would you feel if you found out she'd lost her virginity to this man, who may have targeted other girls before and even at the same time?

festi · 10/09/2011 20:54

yy stripeybump that is exactly how it is you have struck a cord in tha last paragraph..

Your daughter is exactly where he wants her - scared of betraying their little secret. How would you feel if you found out she'd lost her virginity to this man, who may have targeted other girls before and even at the same time?

BusyBodd · 10/09/2011 21:44

I'm a qualified Youth Worker with a degree in Youth Work, working in the field, with responsibility for Safeguarding issues. The fact that the contact with your daughter has come from an official organisation is the factor that means this is a safeguarding issue. If they had met at school and were going out he would be being incredibly stupid and ought to know better but it's a different category of problem.

If this man is on a course where he is learning how to work with children in any capacity, he should have been taught about issues like Abuse of Trust within the first week or so. If he is being employed by any kind of organisation working with children, he should have been given training by that organisation, given policies, and CRB checked. These two things mean he should know that what he is doing is not allowed. If either the course provider or the sports organisation has failed to do either of these things then they share responsibility.

You must report him, and yes it will ruin his career, but that is why those of us who work with children and young people work so carefully to be transparent and above reproach, so we are demonstrably accountable for our actions. If an 18 year old male youth worker starts to receive texts from a 14 year year old girl he should have immediately told his supervisor, shown the texts, and you your daughter should have been spoken to and asked to ensure the texts stop. In reality he shouldn't even have given her his mobile number, nor asked for hers.

The other thing I would say is that you should report him to his organisation through official channels (Ask to speak to their Safeguarding Officer - they should have one) so that there cannot be a cover-up. It is a complicating factor that his father works for the same organisation, but the organisation shouldn't be allowed to be swayed by that. You should keep all the texts, and not make any further attempt to contact either the man or his family again.

To be honest I'm wondering whether it's a police matter - I've just sat here for the last 40 minutes pondering what I would do at work - I think if a young man on my team was reported to me for this I would want to take some very high-level advice about whether the police should be involved, and I suspect the advice would be that they should. If you wanted some other advice you could ring Childline (parents can ring too) or your local social services Duty Officer, which you can do anonymously.

When your daughter has calmed down you need to explain that she hasn't done anything wrong - that this man who she trusted was misleading her and shouldn't have been behaving this. You could talk about how adults who work with young people should be trustworthy and protect them and what he has done has betrayed this trust, and that he might be doing it with other girls too. I know she might have been a bit unwise in what she did, but don't bring that up until the dust has settled - the main thing is that she knows that she wasn't to blame, despite what he said, and that she hasn't been harmed beyond having her feelings hurt and her trust dented.

Sorry - immensely long post, I hope it helps you as you and your family go through this.

electra · 10/09/2011 22:16

I am on a course with a lot of girls who are about 18-20. They are not like adults - they are like children, relatively. Those of you who say he's 'grooming' her are ridiculous imo.

4 years age difference is not a huge amount. That doesn't mean he doesn't need talking to and telling to keep away if necessary but I very much doubt he's a pedophile, imho

t0lk13n · 10/09/2011 22:23

How did he get her number? She needs to be careful with that and tell her not to give her number to people she doesnt trust [who may give it to people she doesnt know] and then shut off fb for a while.

festi · 10/09/2011 22:24

he does not need to be a pedophile to be grooming her, of course he is grooming her he wants to have sex with her, he has been found out and is openly upset about the consequences, she is worried about the effects of her and her mums behaviour on his carear, she is relativly vulnerable in comparison to him. That is grooming dehaviour. If he was still in contact with her he would be telling her everyone is over reacting, what they have is special normalising his behaviour.

stripeybump · 10/09/2011 22:27

This isn't about 'arrgh he's a paedophile' it's a serious abuse of trust and is illegal. They're not peers - he's her tutor fgs. If he wants to date 14yos, he's in the wrong job and knows he's breaking the law and risking his career and a prison sentence by this behaviour towards the OP's daughter.

stripeybump · 10/09/2011 22:30

When I started teaching, I was 22. I taught 18yos. It would have been a horrible abuse of trust and illegal for me to have done anything - the thought makes me shiver. Anyone trained in working with teenagers has training to ensure they know the law.

To me the moral case is obvious, and the legal one clear.

lisad123 · 10/09/2011 22:30

all pedophiles have to start somewhere

LoveBeingAMummyAgain · 10/09/2011 22:31

If he is working with children in this club the chances are he has had a crb check, why do you want to protect it?

festi · 10/09/2011 22:33

and if he gets away with spongy bounderies in this matter who is to say it will not be 12 year old next time. its vile and so is his behaviour. for one reason or another he does not have the presence of mind to be persuing such a carear and so should be reported.

stripeybump · 10/09/2011 22:34

Essentially, you're protecting him if you don't report him. It's not your job as your DD's mother to tell him off - it's the police's job to decide how it should be handled. How would you feel if he moved on to a 13yo, a 12yo and sent similar suggestive texts? This isn't just about your DD.

MangoMonster · 10/09/2011 22:50

Please just call the nspcc and get some advice.

Talker2010 · 10/09/2011 22:57

I am still amazed by those people who are saying this should not be reported

The OPs daughter is a child who has been in his care ffs ... he is training to be in charge of children in a sporting environment

He has not become intimate with a girl thinking she was older

He has targeted a girl that he knows is 14, that he knows is sexually inexperienced, and that he has met through a situation where they were unequal in terms of power and responsibility

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MumblingRagDoll · 10/09/2011 23:02

You need to report him because in two or so years he will be 20...then will he still be after 14 year old's? What about 12? 13? Is there much difference? No. He has broken the law which is THERE FOR A REASON!

Jut because people on here are saying it's not much age difference...doesn't make it ok at all. She's VERY young.

MumblingRagDoll · 10/09/2011 23:03

That;s right Talker She was in his care ffs!

Pan · 10/09/2011 23:16

OP - you do need to report him. To the police and not is dad. I've years of experience in child sex abuse, and you must report him for all of the v. good reasons listed above, so I won't repeat them.
This isn't a case of peer's 'young love' - he knew exactly what he was doing but despite the inputs required for his position, he obv. thought none of it applied to him.
(this may well end in a prosecution and you really don't want to muddy the evidential waters by talking to his dad, IMO.)

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