Gay surrogacy

[Queenieoh]

My male gay best friend and his husband are using an American surrogate to have a baby. I am anti-surrogacy and finding it so hard to be supportive about it. I want them both to be happy but I really don't think this is the right thing to do. I know my opinion won't change their mind and most of our friends think surrogacy is fine. I guess I am not looking for advice, just some solidarity in the fact that buying a baby (for a huge sum of money) is wrong! They're even choosing the sex which is just so creepy IMO. Also, they're both very busy professionals so will undoubtedly have a nanny to raise the child... Why do people think they're entitled to have children?!

And so many of the doctors involved in IVF have later been found to have substituted the donors' sperm with their own, leading to hundreds of people who are related to one another without knowing, as well as depriving the men they were supposed to be helping to father their own biological children and causing chaos and stress to so many families.

There is no limit to the male ego.

There are not plenty of disabled children abandoned by birth parents. This is not true.

Surrogacy has conversations about what happens is the child is born disabled as a dispute may occur as the purchaser does not want to buy 'damaged goods'. That does not happen with birth parents who realise this is their child for them to care for. Birth parents do not sign contracts with maternity wards as to who has responsibility for a child born disabled.

Your baby was reunited with you after a short period.

So your baby was reunited with you after 36 hours - that doesn't happen with the surrogate mother so it's a false equivalence.

My own father was removed from his mother's care in the forties as she was unmarried and he was put into foster care. Never knowing who his mother or father was damaged him for life and that damage became inter-generational.

A few happy surrogate babies does not make the practice of buying and selling babies okay. It's papering over the trading and profiteering from the sale of human beings.

Surrogacy is big business. It was valued at $25 billion worldwide last year alone and is on track to double by 2029... Once again, it will be the privileged benefiting from the desperation/vulnerability of poor women who are being treated like farm animals.

I absolutely hate surrogacy. There's so many children that need to be adopted

No decent person finds human trafficking right yet so many people don't find buying babies or renting a woman womb abhorrent. It is a vile trade and those involved should be shamed.

One of my friends used a surrogate as she was born without a womb. The surrogate was an older woman who wanted to help. I struggling to see the issue here. If you don’t like surrogacy don’t have a surrogate baby and don’t offer your womb for rent.
Surrogates in the USA are well paid (I find third world surrogacy more problematic. Just think each to their own. If you aren’t comfortable then distance yourself.

I’m surprised so many here find it so abhorrent. How about single mums who use sperm banks so the baby never knows its father?

On the same page as you. Some of the comments are ridiculous.

There are problems with the processes of surrogacy and reasons why so many look internationally. The essence of surrogacy doesn't conflict with my morals in any way!

I find commercial surrogacy weird and repulsive but I wouldn’t say anything to my friend about it. I can be friends with people I disagree with, perhaps on some topics more than others. That’s life innit.

www.theguardian.com/global-development-professionals-network/2016/sep/26/orphanage-locked-up-disabled-children-lumos-dri-human-rights

Disabled children are actually very often surrendered all across the world.
The UK has systems of support for parents of disabled children (although improvements are needed). Yet, many still choose not to continue with pregnancies that would result in disabled children, as is their right. Let's not pretend that only couples seeking surrogacy choose not to parent disabled children. Some intended parents may walk away in that scenario, and some would continue because they still view the child as theirs to love. Do not generalise isolated instances to all.

I imagine your fathers circumstances are truly harrowing to deal with. A parent who wanted him but societal expectations forbade it. Placed into foster care, likely without consistent caregivers and the security of a home. That must have lasting effects. But so different to surrogacy...

Fertility is big business. Much of social care is now privatised and big business. I have reserved about companies profiting extortionate amounts from surrogacy practices that exploit all parties involved. But that does not make me anti-surrogacy.

Ultimately, no one can change my mind that surrogacy can be wonderful and should not be made an illegal avenue to family life.

OP have you had a conversation with your 'best friend' and asked them why they are going down this route? To try and understand their perspective a little better. Maybe sharing your views on some aspects? If you still don't agree, and feel you can't be friend with them because of it then crack on.

Firstly, you’ve had to look outside the UK to ‘developing countries’ to try to make your case. That’s pretty weak. You know full well we are comparing western couples with western couples.

Secondly, there is a very clear difference between legal abortion and abandoning a living child you have paid to procure as it does not meet what you think your money should have bought you.

The comparison is between birth parents and surrogates. Not between surrogates and legal abortion. Though whether or not the purchasing parents can force an abortion may also be written into contracts, I would guess. All these legal and moral issues are products of the surrogacy system.

Where exactly are these countries with utopian surrogacy systems full of protections and free of exploitation that you keep imaging? Because from what I have read, countries with surrogacy do not have these protective, exploition free systems and, like the UK, are seeking to weaken protections and increase the commercial aspect.

Maybe there should be a legal requirement for surrogacy agencies to have proportions of surrogate women from each socio economic class in line with their proportion in society to try to ensure it all is altruistic gift giving, as you fondly imagine it is. Because I notice you never respond to it being pointed out that it’s richer people purchasing poorer women’s wombs. This fact seems to be a bit inconvenient to your case, and hence ignored.

Ultimately no one can change my mind that paying a poor woman money to put her in a medically very dangerous position in order for her to grow a baby that I can pay for can be wonderful and should not be made illegal
The truth doesn't have quite the same ring to it.

If you don’t like surrogacy, don’t have a surrogate babe and don’t offer your womb for rent

I think this sort of argument is very weak when you’re talking about an issue where people have concerns from a welfare point of view.
For example, I am very pro choice. But I don’t think “if you don’t like abortion, don’t get one” is a good argument. I think it’s facile. If you’re talking to someone who believes abortion is murder (a genuinely held view for many people), then of course “if you’re against it, don’t get one” is absurd and completely refusing to engage with the substance of their views. Similarly on this thread, people have raised concerns about the wellbeing of babies, and the exploitation of vulnerable women. So “well don’t do it if you don’t like it” is missing the point being made.

Good point ,the impact of finding out your very being was potentially just for money would definitely leave it's mark.

Lots of celebrities seem to be pro-surrogacy.
But coincidentally none (of the women) pro in a way that they wanted to be the surrogate mother....

@MeridaBrave I’m not happy about sperm donation either. At least they have changed the rules now so it can’t be anonymous in this country. But people will go elsewhere so that it can still be anonymous which is abhorrent, and shows that they have absolutely no thought about their child

And the argument about not using a surrogate if you don’t agree with surrogacy but let others carry on, well thank god others eventually stood up for the children and the birth mothers in the Magdalene laundries, and didn’t just let that carry on. Adoption became very much what is best for the child not let’s just make a family for childless couples, and ignore what is best for the child and also the birth mother.

The rules about anonymous sperm donation eventually changed because people realised it wasn’t fair for the children to not know their genetic background and who their dad is.

Unfortunately with surrogacy we seem to be going backwards

God, I would. My mother hated me from birth. I was entirely my dad's child and I have never had the remotest connection to my mother.

So OP first you should just walk away from your "male gay best friend and his husband" because a best friend wouldn't accept your attitude towards the situation. Simply save them the hassle of learning your true feelings, unless of course you talk out your arse, and then you're just a hypocrite. Secondly, in 2025, there were 81,770 children in the care system, procreated by heterosexuals (clutching pearls here). but only 2,940 available for adoption. Outside of procreation, there's a license/training for everything, so for all of the anti-surrogacy supporters, this couple is doing what they have to do in order to create their own family. Unlike the 2.7 million UK households who are held by single parent households (85-90% led by mothers). Let's not even think about how a two-parent household lowers the chances of arrest and/or prison. So please let this couple a chance of raising a child, which obviously they're going through a massive amount of hoops to achieve because they can't do it the natural way. Unlike the nearly 278,000 abortions performed in the UK in 2023, which is a hard sell on responsibility by doing it the old fashioned way.

YANBU.
End of friendship for me. It’s abhorrent and should be illegal

Yes, single mums using sperm banks so the baby never knows it’s father is just as terrible as surrogacy!

It’a all about what an adult wants rather than what’s best for the child.

I totally agree. OP this guy is not your best friend and if this is what you think then you are not his. He doesn’t need you in his life. Walk away now.