Gay surrogacy

[Queenieoh]

My male gay best friend and his husband are using an American surrogate to have a baby. I am anti-surrogacy and finding it so hard to be supportive about it. I want them both to be happy but I really don't think this is the right thing to do. I know my opinion won't change their mind and most of our friends think surrogacy is fine. I guess I am not looking for advice, just some solidarity in the fact that buying a baby (for a huge sum of money) is wrong! They're even choosing the sex which is just so creepy IMO. Also, they're both very busy professionals so will undoubtedly have a nanny to raise the child... Why do people think they're entitled to have children?!

Commercial surrogacy is illeagal in the UK and most of Europe for good reason

Maybe being in a gay couple shouldn’t be a barrier to having a biological child, but the reality of nature would say otherwise.

We can’t always have what we want.

You seem to think that because you know one person who was born through a consensual experience it is a universally wonderful thing and the cases of exploitation are either insignificant in number or are somehow emotionally and consensually the same as the case you know of.

I can see that consensual surrogacy, between women who have an existing and ongoing relationship can be positive, but they are entirely different to entitled adults placing an order for a baby with no real consideration for anyone else involved in the process.

I would imagine consensual, altruistic surrogacy where the "carrier" is potentially a part of the child's life (eg sisters) is far far outnumbered by commercial surrogacy, which is more of a business arrangement where a baby is ordered and purchased, and the "carrier" is the discarded packaging.

This is an interesting article. In it Kim Cotton, the UK's first surrogate, explains how she closed down her agency due to the overwhelming demand from prospective parents and lack of prospective surrogates. As she says, opening up the market to gay couples doubled demand overnight. But also, as you can see, women generally won't do it if they aren't paid. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/aug/29/its-overwhelming-woman-who-was-uks-first-surrogate-closes-agency-as-demand-soars

I don’t think any person has a ‘right’ to create a child.

There’s a reason why evolution needs a man & a woman to have a baby together. A child should have genetic links to both its parents.

I know someone who was an altruistic surrogate three times and it seemed like an very positive experience. She had older children and they were happy with it. She still stays in touch with the families.

I also know friends using a surrogate who are very involved in the process and close to the surrogate. They are paying her expenses but not paying her.

I'd be a surrogate for my sister (if I was better and being pregnant etc) if needed.

Mumsnet is completely anti all surrogacy which I can't get behind the logic of.

Surrogacy is a big spectrum, from an act of sisterhood at one end to women being trafficked and babies being abandoned or given to paedophiles at the other.

But it's all part of the same industry. And it all means a baby being removed from birth mother at birth, increased dangers to the surrogate's health, and the ethical issues of using a woman's body for personal reasons.

It is banned in lots of countries, like Italy, where yes they DO believe that all surrogacy is wrong.

This sounds far-fetched.

Women don't just have babies for someone else and hand them over at the end of 9 months unless there is a specific motivation, usually monetary and sometimes a very close family member (which I personally don't agree with either as it can tear families apart later on).

Why would anyone's children be "happy" for their mother to have babies for other families? It's bizarre behaviour.

Mental illness masquerading as kindness.

I’m a POC whose ancestors were slaves. Please don’t compare slavery which resulted in rape, murder, assault, and broken families and many more atrocities carried down for decades with surrogacy.

I'm also a POC and you don't speak for me. Surrogacy is EXACTLY like slavery. That's a fact.

If you read the article Arran2024 links to, you’ll see the issue. The demand for surrogates leads to commercialization of surrogacy, leading to reduced regulation and rights for surrogates either in home countries or by outsourcing to countries with few/no rights for surrogacy and more poor women who need the money. All this blows out of the water the idea that this is a business based on altruism and kindness.

And 15k to 20k payment for surrogates may be called ‘expenses’ but it’s clearly not. Being pregnant in the UK does not cost that for the mother. And as the article makes clear, the surrogacy businesses and potential purchasers have been lobbying to be able to advertise openly for paid surrogates, who will get paid more. How is that not an open commercial market?

It’s indeed bizarre. It’s also deeply traumatic for the baby that’s being removed from its mother after spending 9 months growing inside her and bonding with her.

Women that use sperm banks are just as morally lacking as those that rent a womb and remove a baby from their mother at birth.

Rescuer syndrome. I accept that some women may feel completely fulfilled by acting as surrogates, but it's probably due to unresolved issues which might be interesting for these women to delve deeper into.

But it’s not about the woman’s need, it’s about an innocent baby being removed from its mother after 9 months in her womb and having bonded with her.

Just talking about the women who say they love being surrogates.

Most people are the descendants of slaves at some point or other in history - plus there are still an estimated 50 million people living as slaves today.
70% of Icelanders are the descendants of female slaves kidnapped from Scotland and Ireland as one example.

There are an estimated 14 million slaves in India, 6 million in China (possibly an under-estimation), 2.5 million in Pakistan, 7 million in Africa of which 1.6 million in Nigeria alone and Nigeria is a surrogacy hotspot in recent years, so there is a direct parallel between slavery and surrogacy in different countries around the world.

Well it's true. Some women really like being pregnant (I'm not one of them) but don't want lots of kids. Some see it as an altruistic act. I'm not saying everyone should do it but it's not always exploiting the surrogate.

Not exactly altruistic for the child though

But it’s not altruistic towards the poor baby that is bonding inside the woman’s womb for 9 months, only to be removed at birth - that is traumatic as well as confusing for a child growing up.

Then we have our own opinions of what slavery is. And I didn't say that for all black people - for ME it is not the same.

Some women have serious mental health issues which causes them to develop a form of addiction to being pregnant. It is abusive to use these women as factories for gay men who can't have children without a woman.

It is unethical and utterly selfish to deliberately bring children into the world without a father and a mother.

My views on surrogacy vary. My sister used a surrogate for her baby boy, and under the circumstances she used a surrogate I think it was all right. She and her husband of nine years had been trying for three years, two failed rounds of IVF. They then tried adopting for four years. All their matches wound up falling through, then a family friend who already had three children and willingly offered to do it suggested surrogacy. They were uncertain at first, but pursued it because they really did want a child, and were prepared to raise a child full-time. Their son knows about it, and they have been honest about it from the start. He has met his birth mother and calls her his Aunt. They are now looking to have a second (their last), and opted to do surrogacy once and are pinning their hopes on foster-to-adopt. I quite agree that these instances in gay parenting aren't right, and somewhat inhumane. If you are willing to go to all that trouble to have a child be a present in its life, unless forced to do otherwise (death, illness). I have gay friends who adopted both their children and are loving full-time parents. That I think is right, men taking in a child in need to fulfill a dream they are prepared to work for, and becoming incredible parents. The use of surrogacy mentioned by the poster, I believe, is deeply wrong as men paying a woman to rent her uterus for 9 months, then cut off contact and basically have the child be raised by someone other than themselves is wrong. Especially since in many of those cases, the biological mother is often the surrogate.