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Surrogacy

Has anyone ever had a baby through surrogacy?

95 replies

highsexdriveonhol · 20/08/2023 13:45

Disclaimer: this is NOT a thread about the ethics of surrogacy - please don't come here with posts about how you don't agree with surrogacy blah blah it's not what the thread is for and you'd be wasting your breath.

I'm exploring all routes of starting a family and to be honest, not convinced this route is for me but I feel only right to consider everything before drawing a line.

So I wanted to hear about positive and negative experiences of surrogacy from parents that did this to have a family.

Did it go well or not well for you, would you do it again?

Are there trauma issues for the child in your experience? Did you struggle to bond with the child?

Ideally looking for couple that used their own sperm and egg where possible.

Thanks in advance x

OP posts:
Immoralplant · 02/09/2023 00:51

So you want to buy a baby, but you don’t want anyone tell you why that’s morally repugnant?

drinktilisink · 02/09/2023 01:16

Didn't op have another thread loads of people replied to? It didn't go well

drinktilisink · 02/09/2023 01:17
AbsoluteYawns · 02/09/2023 01:19

Yeah well done OP.
Here for some baby buying tips eh.
What do you want to know about renting out a woman's womb?

TheLadyInWestminsterAbbey · 03/09/2023 07:31

Just copying the most recent post from the AIBU thread over to here as it seems to give an answer to the OP's question.

"I'm coming in late to this discussion but have read the whole thread. While I have a lot to say about what I see as the unethical business of egg selling and surrogacy, I won't repeat what so many smart women have already explained. But I will share a complicated but personal story. A friend of mine hired a surrogate mother and purchased eggs from another woman. Her main motivation was to give her husband biological children. While I disagree with her choices, I think she is a very loving and good mother.

However, her daughter is now a teenager and is really, really struggling with her identity and wanting to know her egg 'donor' mom (the children have had limited contact with birth mom who was the surrogate). This poor teen girl is dealing with the stress of having three mothers: legal, bio and birth and coming to terms with how much her father may have pressured her mother into this. She is often very angry at my friend, and I can't blame her. It's not an easy thing for my friend to contemplate, but surrogacy is no longer the rosy picture she believed it to be when her children were little. Any "success" stories of surrogacy should be suspect until the children are grown adults."

bulbarsaurus · 30/09/2023 18:33

With UK surrogacy laws isn't it the surrogate woman's choice whether they go ahead with the pregnancy or not and also the egg donors choice to donate their eggs. If people can come to an arrangement, have laid all their cards on the table and there is no financial incentive or cohesion then why shouldn't people be able to ask for help from a surrogate. I agree it's wrong to force people from deprived countries by bribing them with money to carry children but you can't stop a surrogate, in the UK that is sound of mind from making the decision to carry a baby for someone else.

preggo39 · 04/10/2023 15:57

I recommend you watch this OP:

Women's bodies are not commodities.

Edbr1 · 22/10/2023 11:34

Hi. Coming a bit late into this thread.

I might receive backlash but in all honesty I don't care (also... please note I will not reply to anyone who replies unkindly). We tried to have a baby for 8 years. Natural, IVF, all transfers failed, not a single positive. More than the physical side of it, it's soul destroying.

Surrogacy in the UK is altruistic as you probably know. People don't rent a womb, surrogates do it with the purpose of helping to build a family and are only paid pregnancy expenses, they are not better off because of entering a Surrogacy agreement.

After a long journey, we are now 16 weeks pregnant with our surrogate. However, we see her and her family as FRIENDS and from the beginning we were all aligned on expectations that this wasn't just going to be a transactional process (and it shouldn't in this country).

I cannot tell you how our kid will feel after it's born and once it understands it all. However, we do intend to be open and honest from the beginning with something along the lines of... mummy and daddy with all the ingredients for the cake and aunt xxx provided the oven. Obviously oversimplified but when they are 3-5 years old that's probably the best way to start.

There are MANY Surrogacy groups in FB (independent and from agencies) where you can receive advice on this type of question without backlash hun.

Wishing you the best,
πŸ˜‡

Immoralplant · 29/10/2023 12:15

When a baby is born, the only mother it knows is the woman it has been growing inside for nine months. Removing a baby from its mother is cruel.
Mothers are not β€˜ovens’, and babies are not cakes - they are human beings, and should not be bought and sold.

Immoralplant · 29/10/2023 12:28

bulbarsaurus · 30/09/2023 18:33

With UK surrogacy laws isn't it the surrogate woman's choice whether they go ahead with the pregnancy or not and also the egg donors choice to donate their eggs. If people can come to an arrangement, have laid all their cards on the table and there is no financial incentive or cohesion then why shouldn't people be able to ask for help from a surrogate. I agree it's wrong to force people from deprived countries by bribing them with money to carry children but you can't stop a surrogate, in the UK that is sound of mind from making the decision to carry a baby for someone else.

It seems that in the U.K. β€˜expenses’ are quite vaguely defined.

https://brilliantbeginnings.co.uk/how-much-can-a-uk-surrogate-get-paid/#:~:text=In%20the%20UK%2C%20which%20is,compensation%20of%20%2430%2C000%20to%20%2490%2C000).

Β£25000 would be a substantial incentive to many women.
If all the β€˜surrogates’ in the U.K. are motivated purely by such selfless altruism that they are willing to risk their lives to make babies for someone else, wouldn’t they be just as willing without a monetary reward?

How much can UK surrogates get paid? - Brilliant Beginnings

UK surrogates do get paid. This can range from out-of-pocket expenses covered, but more commonly, UK surrogates agree to be paid a lump sum, including expenses.

https://brilliantbeginnings.co.uk/how-much-can-a-uk-surrogate-get-paid/#:~:text=In%20the%20UK%2C%20which%20is,compensation%20of%20%2430%2C000%20to%20%2490%2C000).

Edbr1 · 29/10/2023 15:30

Immoralplant · 29/10/2023 12:15

When a baby is born, the only mother it knows is the woman it has been growing inside for nine months. Removing a baby from its mother is cruel.
Mothers are not β€˜ovens’, and babies are not cakes - they are human beings, and should not be bought and sold.

So two homosexual men cannot have a baby together because they would be "removing a baby from their mother"?

Also... mother is not only the person who grows a baby. But none of this conversation will resonate with you because you definitely haven't had issues getting pregnant.

FannyCann · 29/10/2023 21:28

"So two homosexual men cannot have a baby together because they would be "removing a baby from their mother"?"

Two men cannot have a baby together because neither of them is a woman.

Women are not a breeding service for men who want babies on demand.

Immoralplant · 30/10/2023 16:34

Edbr1 · 29/10/2023 15:30

So two homosexual men cannot have a baby together because they would be "removing a baby from their mother"?

Also... mother is not only the person who grows a baby. But none of this conversation will resonate with you because you definitely haven't had issues getting pregnant.

I haven't had kidney failure either, but I still think selling kidneys is wrong.

SilverSunday · 03/11/2023 15:03

In all honesty the harsh judgement on this thread makes me nervous about Mumsnet as a newcomer.

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 03/11/2023 15:08

Edbr1 · 29/10/2023 15:30

So two homosexual men cannot have a baby together because they would be "removing a baby from their mother"?

Also... mother is not only the person who grows a baby. But none of this conversation will resonate with you because you definitely haven't had issues getting pregnant.

A person's sexuality does not entitled them to a baby no.

The only mother a baby knows is the one who grew it.

Surrogacy is similar to adoption in that it causes a trauma to a baby.

Edbr1 · 03/11/2023 15:17

SilverSunday · 03/11/2023 15:03

In all honesty the harsh judgement on this thread makes me nervous about Mumsnet as a newcomer.

I would just say that Mumsnet is not a forum where surrogacy is understood and it lacks sympathy towards people who have probably been in pain for years.

If you have questions in Surrogacy in UK and on what groups you can have more meaningful conversations without being judged, feel free to message me directly β€οΈβ€πŸ©Ή.

I do think that many people don't reply to these threads because it can just be emotionally draining. The UK surrogacy groups are welcoming towards surrogates and intended parents.

Wholelotagrey · 03/11/2023 15:17

Op… I was a surrogate please feel free to message me should you have any questions.

Mumofteenandtween · 03/11/2023 15:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SilverSunday · 03/11/2023 15:43

Of course I do not want to harm children. I just avoid seeing the world as black or white / good vs bad. I don't believe in absolutes. There will be people who have positive experiences on all sides as well as people who have negative experiences and every experience in between. I think the world is much more nuanced and I am interested to hear individual stories and experiences. It is of course much easier to judge, label and dismiss. But let's just agree to disagree. To anyone out there who has or is experiencing infertility that has lead to the path of surrogacy I wish you nothing but peace and love. And to anyone who can't accept that some people take this path and can't accept the actions of that person - I wish you peace and love too.

Edbr1 · 03/11/2023 18:08

SilverSunday · 03/11/2023 15:43

Of course I do not want to harm children. I just avoid seeing the world as black or white / good vs bad. I don't believe in absolutes. There will be people who have positive experiences on all sides as well as people who have negative experiences and every experience in between. I think the world is much more nuanced and I am interested to hear individual stories and experiences. It is of course much easier to judge, label and dismiss. But let's just agree to disagree. To anyone out there who has or is experiencing infertility that has lead to the path of surrogacy I wish you nothing but peace and love. And to anyone who can't accept that some people take this path and can't accept the actions of that person - I wish you peace and love too.

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Emken1878 · 05/11/2023 12:28

I am a surrogate, my beautiful surrobabe has just turned a year old, he has brought so much joy to his daddy and papa and to his grandparents, aunties and uncles uncles. Me and my husband and children gain so much joy from watching him grow and being part of his life.
I am not his mother, I don’t feel like his mother, I grew him out of love using my eggs and he was delivered into his daddy’s arms.
I haven’t been paid to carry him and I certainly haven’t rented my womb, I am an educated woman who works full time as a nurse, being a surrogate was one of my life goals, being able to help create a family has made me super proud.
The current evidence suggests children born through surrogacy and who are told about their birthday story from the very beginning do not suffer trauma and grow up to be very well adjusted children and proud of where they came from
families come in all sorts of different ways in todays world, and they should all be celebrated.

BitofaStramash · 05/11/2023 12:36

SilverSunday · 03/11/2023 15:03

In all honesty the harsh judgement on this thread makes me nervous about Mumsnet as a newcomer.

There are rabidly anti surrogacy people on this forum who jump on any thread about it.

Most of the rest of the forum is alright.

Pegsmum · 05/11/2023 12:47

Emken1878 · 05/11/2023 12:28

I am a surrogate, my beautiful surrobabe has just turned a year old, he has brought so much joy to his daddy and papa and to his grandparents, aunties and uncles uncles. Me and my husband and children gain so much joy from watching him grow and being part of his life.
I am not his mother, I don’t feel like his mother, I grew him out of love using my eggs and he was delivered into his daddy’s arms.
I haven’t been paid to carry him and I certainly haven’t rented my womb, I am an educated woman who works full time as a nurse, being a surrogate was one of my life goals, being able to help create a family has made me super proud.
The current evidence suggests children born through surrogacy and who are told about their birthday story from the very beginning do not suffer trauma and grow up to be very well adjusted children and proud of where they came from
families come in all sorts of different ways in todays world, and they should all be celebrated.

This is lovely.

juneybean · 05/11/2023 12:53

It's pretty shitty to read "the only mother a baby knows is the one that grew it" as an adoptive mother.

IfIcouldchooseagain · 05/11/2023 13:20

Hi @highsexdriveonhol . My friends did it, own sperm and egg. My friend was able to get pregnant, but all of her babies died halfway through the pregnancy, her womb just couldn’t carry them to term. After many losses they hired a surrogate in California as the laws there are helpful and the clinics good. The surrogate already had several children of her own and said she was doing it to help other women. She was paid $100,000 by my friends, and had done several other surrogacies, I heard her plan was to use the money to help her own children buy houses.

The couple were worried they wouldn’t feel related to the baby but their connection with him was immediate. He had been so desperately wanted for so long they felt like his parents from the first second. It probably helps that he looks just like them!

They considered having a second with the same surrogate who was willing to do so but they chose not to go that route again as the years of medical stuff had been so hard on the genetic mother and they wanted to focus on the baby they had and finally say goodbye to hospitals!

The hardest part for them (apart from all the injections, and the surgery for egg retrieval etc) was watching another woman carry their child. She was a bit of a party person and made some decisions they felt weren’t in the baby’s best interests, but they obviously couldn’t control her behaviour during the pregnancy despite knowing it was potentially affecting their baby. That was hard.

They have no regrets, their son is a few years old now and absolutely thriving.

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